Saturday, January 31, 2009
Friday, January 30, 2009
I can honestly tell you that I have been more than blessed by their story and their sweet mommy. I know that they would covet your prayers as I do. Please take a moment and stop over to their site and let them know you are thinking of them.
Thank you all!
***to visit them you do have to register first...it eliminates the anonymous issue. :-) I promise it is worth the extra minute!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
I struggle with the idea of hope. We use the word freely. "I hope the results are good." "I hope we get to go on vacation." " I hope we get to sleep tonight." We use the word when we don't fully expect something to happen but we want it to. The word hope in the Bible is used differently. It is used as a word to describe something we fully believe but cannot see.
I fully believe that God has a plan for my life. I fully believe that that plan is good. I have struggled with the idea of hoping for a healthy baby. When I use the word hope in that context I have been using the worldly definition of the word hope. I truly want this baby to be healthy, yet in all honesty, I am not confident that it is truly what will happen. I am still struggling with that. I mean God has allowed two of my children to die in my arms. Why would he spare me this time? There is no indication that anything is wrong, I know God is doing something new, that is certain. Each of my children have been a new blessing from God. Each of them similar yet so different. I know this baby will be no exception to that. I am just not sure how to be confident that God will allow me to bring this baby home. I am certainly not exempt from more suffering.
The truth is that I LOVE being the mommy to boys. I also love being the only girl in the house. That said, I would love to have a Cabbage Patch Doll in the house and play Barbies (though the teenage girl part...scares me a little, okay, a lot). If I got to choose boy or girl...I am not sure I even could. So I am okay with waiting, that part will reveal itself in time whether at the next scan or not until birth, we are just thrilled that this baby is growing and developing on track. We have found out the gender of each of our children through ultrasound but we are well aware of the fact that finding out the gender is not the purpose of ultrasound nor should it be.
Regardless of what the future holds, we know God is sovereign over all of it. He knows what is best for us and we are just trusting in his plan. Thank you all so much for praying for us. I am overwhelmed every day by the number of people loving and praying for our family. I am so thankful for each of you.
"I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Psalm 31:14-15
I am so glad that this scripture is true.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The funny part was that the technician kindly did the brain and head measurements first so I could then breathe and get through the rest. She said that everything looked perfectly normal! Then she went on to measure the other things and get a few pictures and peek at the gender. It is a good thing she did he important stuff first because cooperation is not a strong suit for this little one!
This child is proving to have a personality all his/her own. We were not able to get ONE picture of a profile or face. We got one picture and it was of a foot! We also were not able to confirm the gender...you will have to keep guessing! :-) We got the important info though. The baby looks to be about 12 ounces and is doing just fine.
The doctor we met with after the scan said that this was all very good news and very reassuring. He then asked what he could do to make me rest easier. I asked why with Isaac the issues were not found until 37 weeks and he said that one reason is probably that they were not looking for anything and the bigger reason probably was that they have updated technology since then. The scans they do now are more detailed and able to catch things much earlier. He said that we should feel very reassured.
We go back in four weeks for another scan. SO today we are rejoicing and praising our God for the good news we have received. We never know what tomorrow holds, but we are sure that God is good and he is doing a new thing!
See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland. Isaiah 43:19
God never ceases to amaze me.
My verse for yesterday was "I have begun to deliver...Now begin to conquer and possess." from Deuteronomy 2:31
The devotional goes on to talk about the idea that sometimes God does call us to wait. Then sometimes he calls us to step out. To act in faith. We miss out on blessings if we continue to wait in fear. He calls us to boldly step out and claim the blessings that are ours. The words in that book I am certain were written for me in this moment. :-)
Once I emerged after pampering myself just a little my boys were sleeping peacefully and my husband was waiting for me. We sat on our bed and talked about what was going through our heads and it was just so great to hear that he too was stressed and thinking about the ultrasound. We talked it out and then he prayed over our family, and there is just something so calming about a husband praying over his family. My heart was put at peace.
We then slept. Benjamin did wake up at 11:30 and we brought him in with us. We all slept all night long (albeit with a foot in my back and one in my ribs). Ben seems to be doing a bit better this morning. I think the sleep did wonders for him. He is now complaining of ear pain, which the doctor said might happen. He said he thought he may also have an ear infection, but the antibiotic he is on should knock it ALL out! (getting him to take the medicine is a different story...it is Augmentin and it is yucky. He fights me with every dose. If you have any suggestions for this I would love to hear them)
So anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that your prayer IS making a difference. We feel your prayers like a cozy blanket and are looking forward to getting another peek at our newest family member later. We will keep you posted.
Monday, January 26, 2009
The doctor's response to my concerns was "Well, you have already waited a few days...what is one more." "Call the office in the morning if you are still concerned. I doubt he is in any danger." Gee thanks doc! I got off the phone and had a bit of a breakdown. I feel like I am crazy if I call right away at the slightest sign of a fever and again...crazy when I wait. Bottom line...I am crazy. Luke is the only one in this house who has slept even a reasonable amount since Thursday and I am on the brink. I do not do well with sleep deprivation and last night was the worst. So this morning Howard stayed home and I called the doctor.
Our appointment was this afternoon. The very same doctor I spoke with last night sent us to the hospital for chest xrays, thinking my boy had pneumonia. It has been a crazy long day. About five hours between the doctor's office and the hospital. A missed nap and forced medicine. We are dealing with bronchitis and a very sick little boy. I would really appreciate your prayers for Ben and for Howard and myself as we are barely able to keep our heads up.
As most of you also know tomorrow is our 20 week ultrasound. It is at 4pm. I will be nearly 21 weeks and Asher's problems were diagnosed at 19 weeks. I would like to say I am cool as a cucumber, but that would be a lie. I am frustrated, sleep deprived and my nerves are shot. I will be spending any waking time once the children are put to bed on my knees begging the Lord for GOOD NEWS again tomorrow.
It would mean so much if you all could pray for peace and sleep for our household and for the health of Ben and new baby. We know that prayer makes a difference and we have been so blessed by each of you. I will let you all know how it goes hopefully tomorrow. (but don't freak out if it isn't until late...we are going out to dinner after the appt. I have no energy to cook.) Love you all!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Started your own blog
Slept under the stars (not a fan of bugs)
Played in a band
Watched a meteor shower
Given more than you can afford to charity
Been to Disneyland/world
Climbed a mountain
Held a praying mantis
Sang a solo
Watched a lightning storm at sea
Taught yourself an art from scratch
Adopted a child
Had food poisoning
Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty
Seen the Mona Lisa in France
Slept on an overnight train
Had a pillow fight
Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
Built a snow fort
Held a lamb
Gone skinny dipping
Been to a Broadway show in NY
Ran a Marathon (one of the things you couldn't pay me to do)
Been in three states at once
Ridden in a gondola in Venice
Seen a total eclipse
Watched a sunrise or sunset
Hit a home run
Been on a Cruise
Seen Niagra Falls in Person
Visited the birthplace of your Ancestors
Seen an Amish community
Taught yourself a new language
Had enough money to be truly satisfied
Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person
Gone rock climbing
Seen Michelangelo’s David
Sung karaoke (ha! Does Baby Got Back when I was in High School count?)
Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant
Walked on a beach by moonlight
Been transported in an ambulance
Had your portrait painted
Gone deep sea fishing
Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
Kissed in the rain
Played in the mud
Been to Grace Kelley’s grave in Monaco
Gone to a drive-in theater (one of my favorite summertime things)
Been in a movie
Visited the Great Wall of China
Started a business
Taken a martial arts class
Swam in the Mediterranean Sea
Served at a soup kitchen
Sold Girl Scout cookies
Gone whale watching
Gotten flowers for no reason
Donated blood, platelets or plasma
Gone sky diving
Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
Bounced a check
Saved a favorite childhood toy
Visited the Lincoln Memorial
Eaten Caviar (one of the you couldn't pay me to do it things)
Pieced a quilt
Stood in Times Square
Toured the Everglades
Been fired from a job
Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
Broken a bone
Been on a speeding motorcycle
Seen the Grand Canyon in person
Published a book
Visited the Vatican
Bought a brand new car
Walked in Jerusalem
Had your picture in the newspaper
Read the entire Bible
Visited the White House
Killed and prepared my own meat
Saved someone’s life
Sat on a jury
Met someone famous
Joined a book club
Lost a loved one
Had a baby (going on 5!)
Seen the Alamo in person
Swam in the Great Salt Lake
Been involved in a law suit
Owned a cell phone
Been stung by a bee
So now I am supposed to tag five others and I am tagging:
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
The thing is...I don't really have much to say! :-) We are doing well and keeping busy with typical family kind of stuff. We are just taking time to enjoy each other and the moment we are in. I will try to post some photo updates later. The boys are getting so big!
Sunday after church we decided to take them to the movies to see Madagascar 2. We were all sitting there and Ben and I were sharing a bag of Skittles and each time he would take one he would hold it up to me (in the dark) and say, "look ma, an orange one!" The first few times I praised him for knowing his colors (though they could really have been any color!) and then I began to just nod after about the 20th Skittle. Ben proceeded to grab my cheeks and turn my face to his and he looked right in my eyes and said "Mom, talk to me, use your words!" I almost peed my pants! It was too funny!
These are the kinds of things we are reveling in right now. Just the every day. Remembering to praise God and give thanks in all things. We are keeping our eyes fixed on Him and looking forward to what God has in store for us!
Many of you have asked when our next ultrasound is. It is a week from today, Tuesday January 27th at 4 p.m. EST. We would appreciate your prayers that day and the days leading up to that day. Asher's first birthday is quickly approaching and it is hard not to relive the memories of where we were at this time last year and not compare them with where we stand today. God continues to remind us that He is certainly doing a new thing and this little one who is dancing around inside of me is his newest gift to us. Our hearts still ache, but are filled with peace and hope.
Thank you all for loving us and for checking in. I promise I will keep you posted!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I ask that you would pray for these families today as they celebrate the perfect gifts they were given. They miss their sweet babies but have honored their lives so beautifully. If you have not, I ask that you click on each of their names and meet these amazing little ones. They have changed the world. You will be blessed by knowing them.
Monday, January 12, 2009
To love him with all your heart, with all your understanding and with all your strength, and to love your neighbor as yourself is more important than all burnt offerings and sacrifices." Mark 12:33
I have decided on my last post to disallow comments all together. I am so grateful that so many of you support me so much. I just felt that some of the comments were getting a little ugly toward anonymous and I want to make something clear.
When I decided to write about the comments I had received it was not in anyway because I harbor ill feelings toward these people. I guess part of what hurts me most is that I cannot respond and reach out to those who are obviously also hurting. My heart is broken because there are SO many people that hurt so much and it seems to be a vicious cycle. I don't want that cycle to continue with me.
Though the words said to me were hurtful, I could also hear the hurt behind them. I think we need to be very careful not to judge. We have no idea what hurt lurks behind those words and I am writing this post to ask all of you to join me in prayer today for those hurting hearts. Not just those who have written to me, but all hurting hearts. I also want to make it clear that I am not saying this in the "high and mighty", "I am superior" "Christian" way, I am saying it as another broken, hurting person who sometimes doesn't choose her words carefully enough either.
We need to be very careful not to be judging others. We do it so often (and when I say we, I certainly include myself.) and it is just not for us to do. We are called to love just as Christ loves us. He loves us even when we lash out at Him and hurt him and we are called to do that same thing. We are to leave the judging to him and we are just to love, we are all broken people who screw up and hurt others, none of us are blameless. So I am one broken screw-up who today will be praying for the other broken screw ups of the world, that we will end this cycle of hurting eachother.
2For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.
3"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:2-5
Saturday, January 10, 2009
I know that disallowing these comments will prevent some from commenting who truly do wish to lift me up rather than tear me down, and for those of you this applies to, I am genuinely sorry. I would ask that you shoot me an email instead at firstname.lastname@example.org. I have had to change my email as our other internet provider's email was somehow losing emails. I really need to guard my heart right now.
All of that said, there are two comments I have received in the past week or two that I feel I want to address and while I have said before that this is my blog and I do not have to defend myself, I feel the need to educate.
This one came in this evening:
Anonymous has left a new comment on your post "As We Wait Upon the Lord":
I'm not sure why you ask for emails because you do not respond to them and even out right ignore prayer requests. I guess it's ok to ask for prayer for your own babies and those you deem deserving.Well, every baby deserves to be prayed for if they are at risk of being very sick and possibly not making it requardless of the reasons. K
Well, K. First I am very sorry that you feel that way but I have to say that you are mistaken. I have earnestly prayed for EVERY SINGLE person who has ever come to me asking for prayer. I get dozens of emails a day and unfortunately I cannot sometimes fit it in to email each person that sends a request, but I do pray. I really do. You are right, EVERY baby deserves to be prayed for and I pray for all who ask. I am sorry you felt neglected. I wish I knew who you were, so that I could respond directly to you but sadly, this is the only way to do so because you chose to post anonymously
I hope you all know that when I ask for prayer requests and emails I do read each and every one and I pray for each of you. I do have a family though and a job so sometimes regrettably I do not get to respond personally to each one I am sorry. I am honored that so many have prayed for me and I do consider it a privilege to share in your lives and pray for you.
You chose to take this road so you have no right to ask for prayer. I really hope this baby is not sick so he/she does not have to suffer just because you feel the need to have more biological children.
Again, anonymous...interesting how no one ever owns up to these comments.
There are so many things to address in those two sentences, but I will keep it brief. First, I would like to say that EVERYONE has a right to ask for prayer despite who they are and how badly they screw up. I have screwed up plenty. I never came here claiming to be perfect. I am just as broken and flawed as any one of you. I am trying with everything I have in me to follow hard after the Lord, but sometimes I get off track. This pregnancy however, I do not feel is in any way one of those times, this child is a gift. God would not have given this gift if He did not intend for us to have it.
Howard and I prayed hard about how to grow this family and how we grow it is between us and God. He answered that prayer in the form of a pregnancy. I believe His Word to be true. When he tells us children are a gift from Him, he doesn't just mean whole and healthy children, he means all children, those who do not stay with us long and those who have special needs. They are each a unique gift. If God does choose for us to walk the road to loss again, we will know that He has gone before us and that though it hurts, His plans for us are good and this child is just as much a gift as any.
My desire has never been simply for "biological children". I just want Christ to be the center of my family and my life and where he leads, you better believe I will follow even if it hurts. He spoke to me through several scripture verses reminding me that I am to keep my sights set on what HE deems wise, not what the world does. I am trying hard to do just that whether it means more biological children, adopted children, foster children, or possibly even no more children at all. I am not the author of this story...He is and I love what he is writing!
Interestingly enough, it was comments like this one that made me wonder if we should ever try again to have children. And I can honestly say that God dealt with me hard on that one. He reminded me that HE is the only one I have to worry about pleasing. He often calls us to do things that the world may not understand and I knew this would be one of those times and I know you are likely not the only person who feels this way, but I am okay with that.
Ok...I have said my peace...I wasn't going to address this but figured maybe it would help people to see where I am coming from in case they aren't trying to be hurtful, they are just trying to understand...and maybe that is the case...so here is your answer! Someone once told me that hurt people, hurt people. So true ins't it?
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Sunday, January 4, 2009
This pregnancy is really really really showing me that I must wait upon the Lord and then take the next step. Months ago we were wondering how God would have us grow our family, we were praying about what He wanted us to do, and we found out we were expecting a baby! There is an answer! :-) Since then it has been one day at a time. I am not very good at one day at a time, but I am learning. I am learning to take each day for what it is and count my blessings. I know that for today I have a wonderful husband, two great kids on earth, two in heaven and one who is growing well inside my body. For that I will rejoice.
I do not know what tomorrow brings, and for today, I need only to think of the cares of today. After our last ultrasound it was really tough for me to walk out of that office and rejoice that for today things look great, I wanted to just tuck that away knowing that the next scan may say something completely different. But, that is not what God is calling me to do. He is calling me to rejoice in EVERY little thing, every little blessing, knowing that though I do not know what tomorrow holds, that He has walked before me and has created this path. He has plans for me and they are good. That is all I need to know.
Today as I stood in our church worship center singing "Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord, we will wait upon the Lord" tears began welling up in my eyes. Sometimes He grows our strength not by doing, but simply by waiting. "He is the everlasting God" he doesn't grow tired, but we do and so sometimes he calls us simply to wait while he acts in his time.
As I think about the knowledge I have from His word I think of all of those in the Biblical record who have been called to wait. Waiting for the Lord to act in a seemingly impossible situation is an act of faith. Waiting for the Lord to act is not easy. It is tough, but I think it is necessary to strengthen our faith. By waiting on the Lord, we are admitting that we need Him, that we need His help, and that we cannot do it on our own.
Wait for the LORD; Be strong, and let your heart take courage; Yes, wait for the LORD. Psalm 27:14
Yet those who wait for the LORD will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. Isaiah 40:31
What I find myself needing to remember is that each step of my life has been planned, all of my days have been ordained, by One who knows so much better than I, and when I fail to wait and I move forward on my own timeline, I am often setting myself back. God is calling me to humble myself, submitting to Him, admitting that His ways are better than my own and sometimes pride and impatience get in my way.
I think many times I have failed this test...I have yearned to know what is next, I have mistaken God asking me to wait, for His silence, ambivalence, or inaction. I don't see Him working so I grow impatient with his "inactivity" and I take matters into my own hands, trying to make life work on my own. This only sends me further backward. I feel like in this season of my life this is something he is really trying to cultivate in me. A patience, a humbling of myself to wait upon him however long that may take. To rejoice in today's blessings and not worry about tomorrow.
I suppose that is my New Year's resolution in a way. Just to wait. To wait upon Him, the One who knows all. The one who created me for a specific purpose, I will wait on Him so that I can be used for that purpose.
I would love to hear about times that maybe you have or haven't waited when you should have and how you may have been blessed by your waiting or set back by not waiting. You are welcome to email me at email@example.com or just leave a comment!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
In one way I am a little sad. 2008 was Asher's year. He was born in February and his first birthday is fast approaching. He is such a blessing to us and part of me doesn't want to say goodbye to the year that we were blessed enough to meet him in. His birth date truly was the most amazing day of my life. I have never in my life SEEN the body of Christ in action as I did that day. I could physically feel the Lord's presence with us. On that day, his people, friends, family, nurses, doctors, photographers, all became His hands and feet. The love that day was unlike anything I could begin to explain. It was in so many ways a perfect day. I have to admit that my selfish human self wishes the outcome had been different, but the beauty of that day is just indescribable and it is a day I will hold dear in my heart forever and ever.
I am in awe at the love and support we have been shown in 2008. I am filled with sorrow that my boy is not here, but I am so grateful for each person who helped to carry my mat when I could move forward no further. I have been able to come to this place, my blog and be real, be honest, be me, without (much) :) judgement, even when the hurtful anonymous comments come there are dozens of uplifting encouraging ones to remind me of what it is REALLY about. Thank you all for not letting me lose sight. I am so thankful for each of you who have taken the time to get to know us, pray for us, love us.
I miss Isaac and Asher as much today as ever, but I have HOPE. My hope remains steadfast, knowing this is not the end. Sometimes it feels like the sun doesn't shine for weeks, but that hope is always there. He continues to guide us gently down this rocky path and I stand in awe at what He is doing. There is no way that I can comprehend what His plan is or why this was the best path for me, but I trust that he does. He is sovereign over all things.
As I welcome 2009, I do so with great apprehension. I have no idea what the year holds, but I know that I have hope. Today I have a sweet baby growing inside of me. I do not know what tomorrow brings, but for today I am more than rejoicing in the fact that things are going well and this little one is growing just as he/she should. 2009 will be the year that we meet this new Bolte. I am so excited to see the blessings flow from this new gift God has given us. I have an amazing husband who works so hard to be a good leader for this family. I have two boys in Heaven that I will get to hold again someday. Those two boys will never know the sorrow and pain that come with living in this broken world. I also have two boys who live in this house that fill my life with hugs and laughter, they teach me what matters and show me how to better live with a child like faith, I have an great family, the best friends a girl could ask for, and a wonderful support system here. Above all I have a Father who loves me with a passion that I cannot even begin to fathom. A Creator who I pray will use my family this year to further His Kingdom in any way he sees fit. I am blessed.
It is with a certain sadness that I say goodbye to 2008, but I do look forward to the hope of tomorrow. I know that my goodbyes are not forever and that He has blessed me beyond measure. Far more than I deserve. He continues to pour out His Grace upon me and I am excited to see what He has in store for 2009 for I know his plans for me are good because He says so!
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11