This is my FIFTH pregnancy, and honestly it is hard to believe that Howard still wants anything to do with me after enduring pregnant Kristy FIVE times! Luke was born at 35 weeks so for me my nesting instinct kicks into FULL gear at 32 weeks, just in case. This house has been a whirlwind of sorting, packing dusting, and organizing. One by one the projects are getting done and the house is becoming more "ready".
Yesterday I took inventory and made another list of things to be done before our little girl's arrival. As I looked at all that has been accomplished in the past 8 months it is hard to believe that a mere 15 months ago I stood in a similar place. Asher was born two days shy of 34 weeks because he was showing signs of distress in the womb. His little sister has already spent more time with me than he did. It is an eerie feeling. We are so very excited for her arrival, yet so very broken yet from his all too quick departure for Heaven.
The term "sorrowful yet always rejoicing" takes on new meaning. Emotions become so complicated I can't even sort them out. Hormones run high and I find myself walking a fine line between longing for Asher and grieving the loss of him and jumping for joy that our next little miracle is almost here.
The next week or two will be pretty big here. This weekend is my baby shower. I was reluctant to the idea at first, but I must say I am glad I have friends who know me well and pushed me just enough. I am really excited to celebrate our new blessing. It almost feels like I am cheating though. Like my overwhelming joy for the gift of her somehow takes away from the love I still hold for Asher and I know that this is simply NOT true, but it is just a tough line to walk. Each of our children, whether they live in Heaven or here on earth hold their own place in our hearts that only they can fill. Baby Girl, could no more fill Isaac or Asher's place than Luke or Ben could. They are each their own special gift.
The Lord makes it more and more clear to me each and every day that He is doing a new thing and yet in the dark hours of the night fear sometimes creeps in. I am at the point in pregnancy where I am up pretty much every hour or so for a bathroom break or a TUMS or a drink of water. Sometimes I lie in bed, unable to fall back to sleep, my mind racing with the what ifs and unknowns. My dreams often become more vivid and scary, though pretty out there and silly. Nighttime is often a constant battle of my mind. I obsessively do kick counts to reassure myself that all is well and the baby is fine. I have made one trip to labor and delivery so far to set my mind at ease and just see the lines on the monitor.
In so many ways I wish I could be pregnant forever. I really do love it. It is so amazing and I am more aware than ever of what a gift it is just to be able to carry a baby in my womb. And in many ways I cannot wait to hold this little ones in my arms. I am reminded of the reality of life when my sweet five year old son speaks of his sister saying " it is going to be awesome to have a baby in this house IF she lives". He too is aware at his young age that there are no guarantees and while that makes me sad for him, it also makes me glad to know that he does not take any of it for granted.
This coming Tuesday is my next and final "Level 2" ultrasound in Pittsburgh. Again, Howard cannot go. I am more at peace this time for sure but there is always that sneaking fear that creeps in. Part of me wants to skip it all together because it is tough to organize childcare and travel since we are still on only one vehicle, but I know that last time it did provide me with peace. So we will see.
Thank you all for continuing to check in on us and support us. We are so very blessed and we covet each of your prayers.
4 days ago