Waiting for Happy

Florida "Fun"

2012-01-29T14:26:00.001-05:00

Once upon a time, a crazy family made a last minute decision to drive through the night from Pennsylvania to Florida to visit the children's long lost Auntie after Christmas. The family's van broke down about an hour from their destination and required a RIDICULOUS amount of work and money to fix. Thankfully they were rescued by AAA and made the most of their trip!

On the way home they got to meet the fabulous Jonah Williams. A highlight of the trip for SURE!

Ask and You Shall Receive

2012-01-21T20:55:00.002-05:00

This week, feeling all too comfortable, and almost complacent, I prayed for God to break my heart. I asked him to open my eyes to what He sees and break my heart for what breaks His. I desperately want to follow hard after Him and long to be used by Him. I don't want to fall into the trap of being lukewarm, I want to do as He commands.

Today it happened. This afternoon I sat through a class in preparation to be a foster mom. I sat through course on child abuse. Tears fell silently as the social worker shared a few sample cases and I had a hard time trying to understand how this world got so broken.

The worker warned that the slides she was about to show were graphic. She also went on to say that if we needed to get up and leave the room she would think no less of us. Sitting there...visions of my own dying babies in my head my body wanted to run...to turn my head and run as far and as fast as I could. I closed my eyes and I prayed. I prayed for the Lord to use this. My heart shattered to pieces as I gazed upon one of His children who had bruises covering his entire back from being beaten with an electrical cord. I asked God for permission to get up and run. It was too much...too much pain...made too real.

I felt his embrace and his nudging of my heart to enter. To allow myself to enter into the pain I feared. To enter in to the pain of His children who were hurting so much. Tears continued to fall as the reality of a parent burning the soles of their child's feet with cigarettes, or making their child stand in boiling water leaving burns on the feet and legs of a sweet toddler burned into my heart. I thought of my own sweet toddler and how she trusts me and knows I would never hurt her. I wondered what must go through the heads of these innocent kids as they are tortured and belittled. My heart broke. I can no longer turn a blind eye. It is hard not to listen to the whisper of Satan, telling me I cannot save them all. My God reminds me constantly that He isn't calling me to save the world...only He can do that...all I can do is love and if we are able to pour the love He has so graciously given to us into the life of even one hurting heart, we are following Him...one at a time is what He is asking...He will do the rest.

My heart also broke for the parents who just don't have the tools to parent...who try the best they know how and yet still fall short. Don't we all? Today, God broke my heart. He broke it for the hurting families out there...the hurting children AND the hurting parents. We live in a world so very broken and for some of these families all hope seems lost. Tonight I praise God that all hope is NOT lost. I believe He is calling...he has broken my heart for what breaks his. He has opened my eyes and asked me to enter into their pain, to put my own heart on the line and love unconditionally and with reckless abandon. Love one another...He commands this. How different the world would be if we could all love one another with reckless abandon...I am heartbroken, and excited to get to love His children...for a few moments, a few days or a lifetime. I know this journey is going to be hard, and I know He will be with us each step of the way.

34 “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. 35 By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35

Have you asked God to break your heart lately?

Bolte Family Christmas

2012-01-17T14:25:00.000-05:00

Highlights from our Christmas. In NO particular order...Blogger uploaded them all crazy. :) Hope you all had a wonderful Christmas! We sure did!

Nativity scenes helped us get our hearts ready to celebrate Jesus' birthday Christmas Morning!

Before we opened presents we first opened the gift of baby Jesus from each of our Nativity sets and read the Nativity story from the Jesus Storybook Bible. (Hope slept in her new snowboots)

I made homemade cinnamon rolls!

Christmas Eve Reindeer feeding

Christmas Eve gift of Pillow Pets for all!

Opening gifts and Grandma and Grandpa Bolte's House

Christmas morning at our house

How do you choose it?

2012-01-12T07:13:00.000-05:00

I have been very sick the last week. Strep throat to be exact. In the time that I was sick, I actually had a lot of quiet time. Time to read and time to reflect are rarities, and they were mine for three days while I recovered. I am struggling with a few things and am wondering YOUR thoughts. God calls us to a life of radical obedience. He calls us to love Him above ALL else. He even goes so far as to say

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26

I believe this verse calls us to love God above all else. to love him SO much that compared to our love for Him, the love for our family resembles hate. I believe God gives us a family and calls us to love them so I don't think he wants us to literally hate them...I "think" it is a comparison thing in this verse.

Anyway, as a mom, wife, woman, I struggle with this..I have let go of two of my own children and while I can praise him through that...I would not choose it. If I were Abraham, and God called me to sacrifice my own family by my own hand, to take the life of the child I prayed for and desperately wanted, part of me wants to say that I would do it in trust and obedience, yet in honesty I am fairly sure I wouldn't. Now we all know how the story goes. We know that God in fact does not allow Abraham to take the life of Isaac, but he was ready to do it...it was IN MOTION.

I guess I feel kind of stuck on this...like where do I go from there? What does it mean if I want to follow Him radically, but if I were given the choice between God or one of my children or husband, I am not sure what I would choose if I am being honest. Do I love my own life too much? How doe one get to THAT place of trust and obedience. It is easy to trust Him when it has already been ripped from your hands and you had no choice in the matter, but how do you choose it?

Are you a Sheep or Are you a Goat (Repost)

2012-01-11T23:33:00.000-05:00

On January 17th of last year...I wrote the following post...I've got to be honest as I examine my OWN heart over the last year I am questioning which category I fall into. I desperately want to follow God, BUT do I love Him above all else? Do I surrender ALL control to Him? If I were Abraham, would I have gone so far? Am I bearing good fruit? I guess I am in a season of self examination, but I've got so many questions about what LIVING all of this should look like. Anyone else struggle with this?

I will be honest. I have had it on my heart to write this post for weeks, and yet I have been dragging my feet because it is hard. I have committed to reading through the entire Bible this year and the plan I am on has me reading from the New and Old Testament daily as well as Proverbs and Psalms. I have never been really good at making myself sit down and read the Bible each day but I have to say somehow this plan has me motivated. Anyway, in my daily reading, I am finding myself challenged each day often by things I know I have read before, but it is hitting me differently now.

My heart has been so broken lately. After reading Matthew, there were several verses that hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart is so stirred and my hunger to devour His word has been reignited. That said, my heart is also broken. Broken because many of us live with a false sense of security. We think that if we say the "Sinner's Prayer", and are basically a good person, our ticket to Heaven is guaranteed. This could not be further from the truth. God is very specific in warning us that this is not the case.

It is a hard message to deliver, but I feel this intense sense of urgency to get this message out. Too many of us are living under a false sense of security. We are talking the talk but not walking the walk. God is really pressing these things on my heart, both for MYSELF and for you.

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Matthew 7:13-14

He is telling us here that there are two gates. A narrow gate, and a wide gate. The narrow gate leads to Heaven, to eternal life and the wide gate leads to destruction. He also tells us that MANY find the wide gate and yet few find the narrow. Kind of unsettling isn't it? I mean, I think that today in Christianity we have created this "Middle Road" because we are "basically" good people, you know, we aren't going around stealing and killing people, BUT we also don't want to submit ourselves to radical obedience like the Lord calls us to, so we kind of take this middle road. We go to church, we tithe what we can, we serve on committees and pray before meals. Surely God will look upon us with favor right? Not so much. There is NO middle road. It is either RADICAL obedience or destruction. He doesn't care if we are "basically good people who go to church". He calls us to obey his command.

"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 5:17-20).

Here we are being warned again. It does not matter how our lives LOOK on the outside. God has no use for Pharisees. We are called to be righteous, to choose the commandments of God over the Commandments of men. We are called to surrender ALL, not part, but ALL of our lives to Him. ALL of our day. As I sit and reflect on my days, I can say with great certainty that most days I do not live out radical obedience to the Lord. I think mostly about MY comforts and MY wants and My needs and let's be honest, TRUE Biblical Christianity is not about self. In fact it is about the opposite, it is about denying self. It is about giving beyond what makes you comfortable, it is about taking risks. It is about TRULY loving others MORE than you love yourself. I can also tell you that through my time with the Lord and my reading of His Word, I yearn to live my life the way HE wants. I want to wake up daily and die to myself. I want to pick up my cross and follow wherever He leads. I can tell you there are going to be some BIG changes in the Bolte Household in the coming year as we take the focus OFF of ourselves and aim it directly at the ONLY ONE who matters.

“Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord, Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.” Matthew 7: 21-23

What this verse is telling us folks is the cold hard truth. One day, we will all sit before Him and he will separate the sheep (righteous) from the goats (wicked), and the scary thing is that the Bible tells us that many who think they were sheep, will in fact be called out as goats. Choosing Christ is not about a man made "sinner's prayer" it isn't about going to church or tithing your leftovers.

31 “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. 32 All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. 33 He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, 36 I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

37 “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? 39 When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

40 “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

41 “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. 42 For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, 43 I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

44 “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

45 “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

46 “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”
If we have TRULY given our hearts over and allowed the Holy Spirit FREE REIGN, we can't help but be different people. We live differently and we act differently. We should WANT to obey his EVERY command and not find excuses for not obeying them. IF in fact our hearts are changed, our own sin should cause us to mourn. It should cause us to repent and make the changes needed to live a righteous life. I am not saying anyone is perfect here and I will be the first to admit that it is easier to type these words about what you should do than to live it out myself. But the day is coming. The Bible warns us that many of us are living with a false sense of security in our salvation, we think we are basically good people who are living a good life. We think the Kingdom of Heaven is ours, and yet He tells us we have to give it all. We have to TURN FROM SIN. We have to CHOOSE to follow Him and not man. It is a narrow road. There is NO middle road, it is RADICAL obedience or disobedience. PERIOD. No in between, and when the day comes, will you be a sheep, or will you be a goat?

2012 The Year of the Free

2012-01-06T18:12:00.001-05:00

“Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” John 8:32

So I know a lot of people like to pick a word to help them set goals and define the upcoming year...I have never done that but as I have been praying and thinking about the upcoming year, I am thinking that writing down the areas I hope to grow and spend time focusing on them will help me be more successful.

As I thought about the things I'd like to see change in my life in the future there was a theme running through all of it. I have allowed myself to become shackled despite all that I know to be true.

“For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1

This verse above...I have read it many times...I know it is true...and yet I feel like I keep submitting to that yoke of slavery. There are so many aspects of my life that have become a weight that I feel chained too.

He HAS set us free. It is done. What an amazing gift. Yet, I keep refusing to graciously accept that gift.

My word for 2012 is FREE. I am going to make every effort to accept the gift my Father has given and REALLY receive it. I have struggled lately with anxiety. I feel shackled to financial burdens, educational burdens, church stuff, and just all around expectations that I hold for myself and NEVER live up to.

Expectations are huge for me. I see in my head how lets say, homeschooling should look...and guess what...NINE times out of ten it doesn't look the way I had imagined. I plan a picture perfect family fun day and it is wrecked because I am disappointed that it doesn't look how I had imagined. My house is never clean enough, meals never perfect, children well behaved enough. That isn't freedom...it is slavery...slavery to expectations...I resolve to accept my freedom in Christ and break the chains that bind me to my own expectations.

We carry a significant amount of debt, some from the stuff of life that no on expects and in the moment you just have to take care of, a huge portion for our college educations, and some just from poor decision making. This year, I resolve to break the chains this debt holds on us. This one has been huge for me. I never really thought it was hat big of a deal, and God has really shown me that our money cannot be used as His money when it is all tied down to debt. We are on a quest to financial freedom and we have made a plan.

We have struggled for several years now with the bondage that church can sometimes bring. Don't get me wrong...I am not here to bash any church or tell you that churches are bad, we have been blessed to be a part of a couple of really great church families with some really great people, but as I grow closer to the Lord I find that I am saddened by what the institution of church has become. I yearn for something authentic and convicting and we are praying through what that means for our family. I resolve to be open to whatever the Lord has for us in this area. I know that fellowship, teaching and worship are very important and we have been lacking in those areas.

Homeschooling, is an area where I feel especially chained. I think a large portion of that bondage comes from fear. I fear that I won't be adequate or that I won't have the tools to help these amazing kids be all that they can be and so I stick rigidly to a curriculum that just isn't really working for us...resulting in frustration as we merely go through the motions and just get by. This year I resolve to be intentional in my teaching my children and to have FUN with them. I pray to overcome the insecurities and cling to the truth that God CHOSE me for this. He chose me to be their mom and He will guide me in what is best.

Food, food is a struggle for me and let's be honest...it is a drug of choice for many of us. I am an emotional eater and since having Isaac I have packed on the pounds and while fretting about appearances is a bondage in and of itself, allowing myself to become unhealthy is not what God wants from me. This year I resolve to go to God first. I resolve to pray before putting anything into my mouth that it may be to nourish my body and not to numb my pain.

So I choose for 2012 to be the year of the Free for me! This will be the year that I break away from the things that are holding me back from what God wants me to be. I have to admit...sometimes I just want to take the easy route...I just want to be comfortable...and I am learning that God really isn't interested in my comfort...growing hurts.

God offers us freedom in Him. He has paid the price and given us a gift we don't deserve and I have been an ungracious receiver. I pray that 2012 is the year that I open my hand, receive His freedom and break the chains that are binding me.

“Now then, why do you try to test God by putting on the necks of the disciples a yoke that neither we nor our fathers have been able to bear?” Acts 15:10

“For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” Romans 8:15

“We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and He will deliver us. On Him we have set our hope that He will continue to deliver us.” 2 Corinthians 1:10

“In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and He answered by setting me free.” Psalm 118:5

“Since the children [are human], He too shared in their humanity so that by His death He might destroy Him who holds the power of death– that is, the devil — and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death.” Hebrews 2:14-15

What is your word? What are your 2012 goals? How can I pray fr you?

2011 Memories

2011-12-25T11:01:00.001-05:00

Wishing You a Very Mery Christmas!

2011-12-23T10:59:00.001-05:00

The Joy is in His Presence Not Presents

2011-12-16T10:57:00.000-05:00

Last year we tried to be very intentional about keeping Christ at the center of Christmas. This year I feel like we have done that but n a different way...instead of constantly doing activities we have been a bit more quiet, a bit more prayerful and a lot more peaceful. Going into this holiday season I set my mind that anything that stressed me out as we prepared for the holidays wasn't from the Lord. If it was stressing me out...He wasn't in it.

We decorated the house and continued with our homeschooling lessons, finished up our fostering homestudy work, and just genuinely have enjoyed each other. I haven't had time to bake a bajillion cookies and we haven't done half of the traditional things we typically do, but there is a peace and a joy about our house that has been lacking for far too long.

I firmly believe the decision to homeschool our kids this year was from God. I do however believe it was less about their education and more about refining me. It has caused me to take a look at my selfishness and really die to myself each day. It has brought me to focus on truly doing everything as unto the Lord and to find joy and gratitude in all situations. I am coming to realize that I do not need validation and praise from my family (though it is nice). I know He knows my heart and He sees. I am ever so thankful that His grace covers me in all of my shortcomings and am learning each day to be sure and extend that grace.

A week or so ago as part of our Advent Challenge we decided to sponsor a child from World Vision. We typed in Isaac's birthdate and up popped the picture of sweet Samuel, (who we later found out when we received our information that his last name was Happy...Thank you Lord!) and Luke read from the Bible and as we talked about giving to "the least of these" as a way of giving to Him for His birthday, my sweet 8 year old looked up and said..."Then mom, are WE the least of these? Why do we get toys for His birthday?" Um...I had nothing. I rationalized all kinds of things about celebrating and wanting to give to the people we love (which is somewhat valid) but largely...I was at a loss.

Howard and I discussed not getting the kids presents this year but I wasn't ready for that...I'll be honest...I LOVE to see their faces on Christmas morning, and we don't go crazy, they each get a gift from each of their siblings and one from us and we do one family gift from Santa. I just love the joy of the kids on Christmas.

A few days later we were again discussing our Advent Challenge and decided to let the kids pick something from the World Vision catalog to buy for Christmas. They decided on chickens. We told them that for every dollar they contributed we would match it. That afternoon, Luke asked if he could go to my dad's garage to stack wood to earn money. (Grandpa pays well and I had seen Luke eying up a Star Wars Lego set) So he came home a couple of hours later and opened his hand and showed me that Grandpa had paid him SIX dollars. I told him to go put it away and he said, "No, mom...it is for the chicks." I stood there feeling guilty for taking his money. He assured me he wanted ALL of it to go to the "chick fund" he had done the math and he knew with his donation we were halfway there.

That night as I tucked him in he was GIDDY. I mean seriously crawling out of his skin and jumping for joy. I asked why he was so happy and he said. "Mom, I never knew giving everything I had would feel so good. It seems like it would make me sad but I am just so happy I could do that. It is so fun to give. This must be why Jesus gave up everything for us." My eyes filled with tears and I kissed him good night as tears fell down my cheeks. I had forgotten. I had forgotten that allowing and even encouraging our children to GIVE WAS A GIFT. My gut reaction when he handed me that money was to give it back to him and tell him to save it for his Lego set. Had I done that, I would have robbed him of an even greater gift.

I am not sure what Christmas will look like next year in our house, but I am so grateful for the reminder that joy doesn't come from opening gifts. Joy comes from the Lord. It comes from gratitude and giving. The world teaches us that Christmas means presents. This Christmas I am thankful for his constant presence in my life through those I love most. Luke astounds me and makes me want to be a better me. I am so very thankful for all of the amazing gifts I have been given...not one of those being "things". What are you thankful for this Christmas? May your holiday season be filled with His presence.

Schooling Dilemmas

2011-12-02T06:18:00.001-05:00

I come here looking for tips, tricks and advice from my fellow moms who school your kids at home...I have been at this for three months now and have tried a variety of different things to make school work best for our family. I have tried the, get everyone up early and work on a schedule type day, the do school with one child while the others play and then alternate kids day, and the relaxed let them take all day kind of day. I have yet to find something that works perfectly for raising and educating a 2nd grader, a preschooler and a toddler.

I had been feeling defeated and pulled in so many directions that I feared I might lose my mind. I prayed and prayed that God would give the clear direction, and I think He has. Yesterday I woke with some strong convictions. One about ME getting up early even if and especially if no one else does. A typical morning here has me getting up with Howard to send him off and make sure he has his coffee, breakfast, lunch, then I typically go back into my bed and read subsequently falling back asleep only to wake when Hope (who has yet to realize she can get out of her big girl bed herself) screams my name like the house is on fire. I have to admit...waking up to that doesn't set me up for success. Then Ben typically wakes to the alarm of hearing Hope yell MOOOOOOOMMMMMM! We snuggle and watch Dora and wait for Luke to get up and then we have breakfast, get dressed, brush teeth, make beds and begin school.

The Lord has reminded me yet again that while I love my warm bed in the still dark morning, that my days go better when I get up early, send Howard off, get myself dressed, get a cup of coffee and pray and read before the children get up...when I have had he opportunity to start my day with Him in the quiet peace of the morning it definitely has an impact on the entire day, yet that soft warm bed entices me.

Another conviction I believe He is alerting me to is my use of the TV. Obviously during school time we can't have the TV on but I have been so guilty of leaning on the TV to entertain Hope while we do school in lieu of finding her appropriate activities to do. Yesterday we spent the day TV free and it was so fantastic.

I also need to stay off the computer myself. I am often times lured by the computer to check Facebook or a deal site and then find myself snapping at the kids when they want to steal my attention from my laptop. They deserve ALL of me not just my leftovers.

So, I've set some goals for myself for the next few weeks...I've written them down so I can reassess in a week or two. Here they are:

1. To get up early no matter what and get my day started with God and prayer so that I can be fresh and ready to greet the three blessings He has given me the way they deserve to be greeted. To greet them with a smile, a hug and a prayer for the day each morning.

2. To have ALL meals planned out to avoid the chaos of what's for breakfast, lunch or dinner, and to include the kids in preparing the meals.

3. To not rush through school and take a more "team work" approach...allowing the kids to be included in all lessons if it interests them and allow them to teach each other more.

4. To include the kids in more of the chores of the day to allow them to take ownership of our home and see first hand the work that it takes to keep things up.

5. To include family devotion time each day as we do our Advent Challenge.

6. To stay off of my computer during the day...allowing for time checking messages and blogging in the morning before the kids wake or in the evening after they are in bed.

I hope to check in at the end of next week and see if our days are more peaceful and if I've followed through. :) What are some goals you have? What helps your day go better and more peacefully?

Sweet Sydney

2011-11-30T09:31:00.001-05:00

Today marks four years since sweet Sydney Grace Byrd came into the world. She was born still. She never took a breath but has accomplished more for God's Kingdom than many people who have lived for many years. I know you will be blessed by her amazing mom's words and the incredible song written by her loving dad and mom. Please take a moment and meet Sydney and see and possibly contribute to her legacy. Hallelujah! He gives and takes away...BLESSED BE HIS NAME.

Praying for a Heart Like Hers

2011-11-30T08:14:00.000-05:00

It has been just over four years since I started this blog. Just over four years ago, I came here to document EVERY thought, feeling and moment I had with our precious fourth born boy. Each year since I come back here and relive it as I read through the raw heartache, not because I am obsessed or morbid, but because I don't want to forget. I don't want to forget how far I've come and I don't want to forget one single moment parenting Asher the only way I know how.

Four years ago I longed for a book called "What to expect when you are expecting a baby who is expected to die". There isn't one. It was uncharted territory for me and I danced the grief dance for months before even meeting Asher. Grief wasn't unfamiliar to me, but my grief with Asher was very different from my grief with Isaac.

As the snow begins to fall and the Christmas tree goes up I am reminded of the journey we began four years ago as we did these same things in hopes of a miracle. In hopes that Asher would prove all of the doctors wrong, that he would live and that we would get to see him grow. There are still times that the grief and anger surface, but mostly I have peace. Each day I wake up and my heart aches for my boys in Heaven. Sometimes it hurts so much I can barely breathe and then God gently reminds me that His grace truly is enough...that I don't get to understand all of the whys...I have to accept the path He has given and keep on walking.

Lately I've been feeling the heartache more as we are in the season of excitement and family pictures and two pieces of my heart are missing. All I can do is pray for a heart like Mary's. I am so thankful for the Magnificat. It brings me such comfort and peace and shows me I am not alone in this and reminds me of the Truth I know but sometimes lose sight of in my own grief.

The Magnificat
My soul proclaims the greatness of the Lord,my spirit rejoices in God my Savior for he has looked with favor on his lowly servant.
From this day all generations will call me blessed:the Almighty has done great things for me,and holy is his Name.
He has mercy on those who fear him in every generation.
He has shown the strength of his arm,he has scattered the proud in their conceit.
He has cast down the mighty from their thrones,and has lifted up the lowly.
He has filled the hungry with good things,and the rich he has sent away empty.
He has come to the help of his servant Israel for he remembered his promise of mercy,the promise he made to our fathers,to Abraham and his children for ever.

Praying this morning for a heart more like Mary's, a heart that gives thanks for even the heartache and praises Him for ALL He is and all He gives...and thankful for each and every one of His promises. As Sally Lloyd-Jones says it best in the Storybook Bible, "One day He will make all sad things come untrue." MAN I look forward to that day.

Talkin' About My Girl

2011-11-15T15:13:00.003-05:00

I've had a few people message and ask how Hope is so I figured I'd take a few minutes and write a bit about our girl. (Especially since keeping up with baby books is NOT my strong suit)

She is two and is still a peanut. She wears 18-24 month clothes and LOVES all things girly. She more often than not is wearing a tutu, sparkly shoes, and is dripping in jewels.

Her speech astounds EVERYONE. She's got spunk and can verbalize herself so well. She literally speaks in paragraphs.

She loves to have her nails painted and her hair done. We recently discovered she has enough for a ponytail! It was a momentous occasion, though I must say, it makes her look less baby and more big girl so it hurts my heart just a little.

She is a mover and a shaker. She loves to get out and explore. This was her first trip to Starbucks where she got her OWN drink. :) She thought she was big time. Oh how I love her.

Her BIGGEST obsession is Dora, which drives her brothers insane. It is all she wants to watch or play. She loves to find a piece of paper and pretend it is a map and create her own missions and adventures.

She still prefers mama above ANYONE else and I have to say I am eating it up. We do everything together. The boys often go fishing or go play baseball and she and I get to go shop, paint nails and cook! SO very fun. We are so blessed!

She recently had her first dental visit. I was a bit nervous because I had never heard of a two year old sitting through a cleaning and exam. She did it. We go to a STELLAR pediatric dentist and he was wonderful with her. She got glowing reviews and was a rockstar!

In all, she is the perfect addition to our family. She is all I ever dreamed of in a daughter and all I never knew possible. She amazes us all and reminds us of just how blessed we truly are. She loves Ben and Luke and loving refers to them as "her guys" or "her boys". She looks up to them and loves joining in when they allow. Just this afternoon she was running around the house with a tutu, camo boots, a pink Spiderman tshirt that her brothers got her and a giant flower in her hair. She was chasing bad guys alongside her "good guys" with her butterfly wand as "Princess Spiderman". My cup TRULY runneth over and I am enjoying EVERY MOMENT.

Do you?

2011-11-12T14:40:00.001-05:00

Just last week Howard and I sat down to have a heart to heart about some parenting issues we are having recently. As we got into things I told him that I felt like we have become pretty complacent. We have fallen into a comfortable rut and I am not sure God is still the center. His reply to me literally brought me to my knees. He said, "Do we want God at the center, do we REALLY?". I felt my face begin to burn as he seemingly antagonized me.

I assured him we DID. I told him that I was feeling overwhelmed, that my plate was full and I was having no time for God. I was finding it hard to find a few minutes to eat lunch let alone get into my Bible. Then he asked, "Well, WHY do we want God at the center? So things will go well for US? Is it all about US?" (He is a gem...I know.) I stammered and sputtered and tears began to roll. I came up with the several places in the Bible where God DOES in fact tell us that when we obey, when we are in line with Him, things WILL in fact go well for us. It was how he intended it.

Howard then went on to say that he felt like we had kind of become what we swore we never would. With no immediate crisis to face, we have found it more difficult to serve Him in all things...in turn we wind up serving ourselves. We find ourselves attracted by shiny things, and struggling to live IN but not OF this world. He then said that he felt like he wasn't sure we really WANTED to follow God and keep him at the center. In truth, when we follow hard after Him there is a lot of denying of self that needs to happen and for us, that can be hard.

I will admit that after my conversation with Howard I spent the next 24 hours praying harder, immersed in scripture and reminding myself of the grace I need to extend to EVERYONE. I can say with my whole heart that IN God's will is where I WANT to be. I WANT Him at the center of it all. I am well aware that sometimes that means intense heartache and pain. It also means peace and joy.

I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that the most difficult times in my life as I held and had to let go of Isaac and Asher, I felt the tangible presence of my Father. I knew He was there. I knew I had nothing to offer, I was helpless and oh so very broken. I was at the end of my own rope and He was all I had left. It honestly sounds like something horrific, but as I look back, I sometimes find myself longing for that. Not that I yearn for more tragedy, but I yearn for that closeness with Him. The peace I felt in those days was beyond anything I can describe with words.

I hope I never have to walk such agonizing roads again, and I miss my boys so much it steals the breath from my lungs some days, I have to try each day to try and find peace and joy in knowing that God's plan is bigger. I have to say though that I almost feel privileged to have walked the roads I have. I long for my babies, but I am so thankful for all they have taught me. They have changed my perspective on just about everything. I have known intense love and peace in the most painful of experiences...why don't I feel it every day?

As I have been reflecting, I am coming to realize that my belief that it takes some tragedy to feel that closeness again is a flat out lie. He has a plan for each of our lives and sometimes he places heartache in front of us and sometimes he places times of abundance and sometimes periods of ordinary. The important thing to remember is that where we are, is where He has placed us. He meets us where we are. So for me to believe that I need to find some ideal quiet oasis to have time with Him is a lie. He meets me as I wash dishes, as I teach my children, fold the laundry and mop the floors. He meets me in the chaos if only I keep my eyes turned upward. The things I see as blockades are likely just excuses. We are called to worship Him in ALL we do. Every single item on my to do list should be done for His Glory. When I can keep my focus on that, I find joy and peace in even the changing of diapers and raking of leaves. I choose.

I don't know about you. I don't know where you are right now, but I do know a loving God who desperately wants a relationship with each of His children. I know that where ever I am, where ever you are, He wants to meet us there. My goal is to allow Him to meet me in the chaos, when it all seems overwhelming and when my heart swells with gratitude. We do get a choice in all of it. We can choose Him, we can choose joy. He placed me here...He placed you there...in the circumstance we are in, how can we bring Glory to God? What are your goals? Do you WANT Him at the center no matter what that may mean?

I do.

Halloween Horror

2011-11-01T08:54:00.001-04:00

Last year I wrote my thoughts on Halloween and our new tradition of NOT trick or treating. This year when the topic came up, Ben REALLY wanted to dress up and Luke still wanted NO part in the holiday despite the fact that he and his brother are dressed like superheroes, cowboys, ninjas, etc more often than not. My fondness for the holiday was thwarted by a sucker punch while walking through a nearby mall and glancing over at the Halloween store to see a playground of dead baby corpses mechanically spinning and moving around. I literally nearly lost my mind right there in that mall. At what point have we become so desensitized that mechanical dead baby corpses is even remotely funny or even okay? Honestly, I don't think I am easily offended but that display brought me to my knees. I digress...we have super fun kids with super great imaginations and dressing up can be fun!

We debated what to do. We contemplated taking the little ones to a few houses and one of us just staying back and playing games or something with Luke. Then we were invited to a local church community celebration and figured it might be just the thing to allow Ben to dress up and Luke to be comfortable with things. At the last minute we decided to get everyone in costume and head out.

I will say that I think the church did a wonderful job reaching out to the community, providing hot dogs, snacks, beverages, games, and just stretching out a friendly hand and showing love. It really was a great event held by the church and my negative feelings toward the holiday and the events that followed had NOTHING to do with the church's efforts.

The event was held in a local business parking lot. Trick or Treaters were encouraged to join in the fun and i was so impressed by how many actually did. I did leave though feeling disheartened and frustrated. As I stood there looking around at all of the little ones running around I literally felt sick as I saw five year olds in fishnets, sexy seven year old devils, and more slutty (elementary aged) vampires than I care to admit. We also saw many little ones covered in blood and dressed as zombies, scary movie stars, and vampires. In the car on the way home, Luke asked if we could once again bypass the holiday next year as he saw several costumes that bothered him.

I sat last night with a broken heart praying and wondering what has happened to our culture. When did we become so desensitized to things? When did corsets, fishnet stockings, and fake cleavage become okay for sweet young girls. Innocence is lost so early these days and kids are no longer able to just be kids. Gone are the days of homemade costumes, superheros, princesses, and farm animals. I will note that I did see several REALLY creative and amazing costumes, but the vast majority were far from even PG rated.

I guess in the end this is a holiday, that for our family, we are just going to let go of. Even with good intentions, I had to explain a few things to my boys about modesty and appropriateness that I wasn't prepared to go into detail on at their ages. I don't feel this is stuff that should even be on their radar at 8 and 5. I am all for going out as a family and sharing the love of God with everyone and I thought this was what we would do, and I hope that we accomplished that goal. I do believe that God calls us to be the salt and the light in a world so confused and dark that values are lost and innocence is gone far too soon. For my family however, I think we are done.

While I don't believe any day can belong to anyone but God, Psalm 118:24 says, “This is the day the Lord has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!” I think we are called to glorify Him every day, even on Halloween. I think where we get blurred is where we start seeing cute witches, wizards, devils, vampires, etc...these things are evil. When we start to make them look cool or innocent, we blur the difference between good and evil for our kids. Ephesians 5:15-16 says. “Be careful, then, how you live – not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity…” Every day is our chance to share God with the world. We also must, however, be careful how we live – not unwisely conforming to the culture (Romans 12:2), but shining the light that we have before men (Matthew 5:16). Be a light in a dark world! And I admit, I am struggling between wanting to lock my kids up for the month of October and shield them from all of it ( I am kidding of course...kind of) and wanting to get out there and try to be a light, just as this particular church was doing.

Sometimes I struggle because while I know we are called to be that light to a dark world, I also know that my kids are still innocent and while they do need information and need to be taught to live in but not of this world, I wonder if they are ready to really understand...I am not sure I have equipped them yet for this. I hope that one day they can go out and shine their light, but right now they are so impressionable and easily confused, I need to be sure I am setting a solid foundation.

Parenting is tough stuff. The responsibility of shepherding these amazing little people is immense and I just want to be sure I am doing all I can to train them in the way they should go. I don't want to shield them from everything but I want to be the one introducing them and teaching them in small bite sized increments as they build their foundation. Satan is on the prowl and I don't want to give him a foot in the door. Halloween is just one of those issues that I find myself so conflicted on. I am praying that God gives me clarity on what he wants our family to do, because I don't want to hole up in the house and miss an opportunity to share His love, but I also want to keep our sights on what is good and noble and true.

So tell me...how do you handle Halloween?

Updates

2011-11-01T08:02:00.000-04:00

Wow! Is it possible I've been away from here for a month!? Yikes! Well, life has been full to the brim with blessings and busyness. We are in full homeschool mode which takes up the majority of our mornings and we've been exploring the world around us in the afternoons!

My sister blessed me with a trip to visit her in Florida for my birthday (which is actually today) and though I was hesitant to leave my crew, I found it wonderful and refreshing. I think one of the biggest struggles I had was worrying that something bad would happen while I was away and God so gently reminded me that He is in control of that, I am not. I am not the only person who can care for them and that was kind of a hard pill to swallow, but they did great and had a wonderful time with their great daddy, and I had some sister time and honestly feel like I got my groove back...

Can you tell? :) My sister was a fabulous hostess and I almost felt like a princess. I really had the best time. It had been a year since I had seen her and that is way too long! We went shopping, watched movies, went to dinner, sipped champagne in the hot tub, sat on the beach and drank sangria. It was a really relaxing weekend away and I am feeling like a new girl!

Not to mention she lives only about five minutes from THIS! :) I shall return. That is for sure.

The Afghan

2011-10-01T22:53:00.003-04:00

A couple of weeks ago I was going through some old things in the basement and came across an old afghan my mom made me when she was pregnant with me. It was big...it covered my twin bed for most of my twin bed days. Pastel, well loved and threadbare, I pulled it from the storage bin it had been in and decided it would cover Hope's bed since we haven't bought her bedding for her new bed yet.

This week our house has passed around some strange cold and everyone has had their turn being "down" for a day. Yesterday was Luke's day. As his fever broke he shivered and I turned to find him a blanket and there in the laundry basket, freshly washed and folded was the afghan my mom made. "I'd like that one, mom." he said to me pointing to my childhood blanket. I swallowed hard, opened it up and snuggled him into it. He fell asleep and I watched as he slept, thanking God for the gift that he is.

When he woke up he was feeling a little better and was chatty. He asked where the blanket had come from and why he had never seen it. I told him that my mom had made it and he just gave me a sympathetic look. I've always been honest with the kids about what happened to my mom and he knows her story. In that moment I was a kid again...just months older than Luke himself...hearing from friends at school the gruesome details they overheard their parents talking about.

He I am sure saw the emotion coming to a cusp and he began asking questions. He has asked about her before but this was different. He wanted to know her. The blanket was something tangible...something that proved that she lived.

In that moment as I told him some of the few things I remember, I realized that in my life, I have encountered great loss...repeatedly...and with Isaac and Asher, we are open and find ways to include them in our daily lives. Their pictures sit right next to their siblings and they are just a normal part of our family. I don't have pictures of my mom around...for so long I was just angry and didn't want them to know how broken this world really is...and quite frankly I didn't need the reminder.

After she died, my dad was so angry that most of her things were destroyed or donated...I have VERY few things that belonged to her...so the kids aren't used to having objects around that would trigger them to wonder about her and honestly, neither am I. I wasn't ready for what that afghan would bring, but I have found tonight that those woven, worn threads are weaving something more beautiful in this house...healing.

As I talked with my boy, wise beyond his years he was more compassionate than most adults I know. Tears rolled down his hot cheeks as he admitted that he felt sad that he never knew her. Then it dawned on him that I was just a bit older than what he is right now when she took her life...and she was just a bit older than I am. He hugged me tight and said "It must have been hard mom, to live without your mom, I don't know what I'd do without you, but you sure were blessed to have your Grandma to take care of you. I wish I had known her, but I am glad you had Great Grandma White. You missed out on a mom and I missed out on a grandma, but God still gives us what we need." (insert ugly cry)

He does. He really does. Sometimes this world is so unimaginably broken...sometimes we encounter loss, and it breaks us...changes our world forever and leaves scars that will never fully heal. God makes no mistakes and she is the woman God chose to be my mother, my kids' grandmother. She is an important link in the chain and for nine years of my life she was a wonderful mom. I ache to know her and I won't lie and say that I don't feel cheated. I can't just keep leaving her out though...she is a crucial chapter in my story. My heart hurts knowing that there are others out there hurting the way my mom did. Others who think that the best choice that they have is to just end their life to stop the hurting. There is such a taboo even still swirling around mental illness and depression...a shame that comes with it that saddens me. We were never created to walk this world alone. I am so thankful for the hope I have in the One who gives and the One who takes away. I pray daily for the mother out there feeling as my mom must have, buying into the lie that her children might just have a better life without her. Satan is a sneaky punk...he is on the prowl and he is doing all he can do destroy families...the good news is that God is greater...Satan might be a lion on the prowl, but our Lord has him on a leash. Beauty comes from our brokenness especially when we share it and put it out there.

Tonight, I sit here, tears streaming down my face thanking the Lord for this life He has blessed me with. I have known great sorrow and I have known great joy, and both of those have helped me to be the person I am today. Tonight, the gift He gave me in my 8 year old little boy has shown me the beauty coming from grief. I've never known a wiser, more compassionate little guy and I can only pray that the Lord continues the work he is doing in him and helps him become a wise and compassionate man. Tonight...Luke amazed me...God REALLY always does give us what we need. Sometimes it hurts like Hell. Sometimes it makes no sense and brings us in a puddle to our knees.

Tomorrow, in an act of healing that I NEVER thought would happen, when we get home from serving at the City Mission, I am going to walk the steps to the basement and bring up the bin of photo albums I haven't opened in years. I am going to share with my boys the grandma that they were cheated out of. I am going to help them to see what a wonderful lady she was and how hard she tried to be everything she could be. While sometimes I just wish I could shield them from the brokenness of this world, Luke has shown me that it is the brokenness that brings beauty...we take our hurt, our loss, our grief and we keep on moving through it in the hope of comforting others as the Lord has comforted us. We will be praying for those without the hope we have that they would feel His loving arms around them, warming them like a threadbare afghan. The world is so very broken my friends, but there is hope. There is always hope.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Romans 12:12 Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

GRAttitude is Everything

2011-09-21T22:11:00.003-04:00

Well, last week was "Fair Week" in our neck of the woods, which meant LOTS of learning opportunities and MAN did we take advantage of them. We saw goats being milked (the boys REFUSED to partake) ;) Cow milking, sheep shearing, horse pulls, tractor pulls, old fashioned cider mills, steam engines, and all the like. The week was filled to the brim and Sunday we were exhausted and "Fair Hungover" :) Each morning Hope got up and promptly went to the door after getting dressed for her mud boots and John Deere bow. :) Sunday was a day of rest...well sort of...since we had been gone so much of the week, there was much to be done so we plugged away at that.

When Monday rolled around, I was tired, the kids were tired and crankiness was in the air. I KNOW that attitude is important...I know that crankiness is contagious and yet I went into the week with a chip on my shoulder, feeling overwhelmed and cranky once again. (I'd like to also clarify that my house is fully in order...well as much order as one can have with three small children...you know...just for the record.)

I tried to share my frustration with my sweet husband which only infuriated me further. He always reminds me that there is no room for a bad attitude and all too often I am tired and weak and instead of hitting my knees I get irritable and cranky. He assures me that I am capable of anything God wants me to do and if I set my mind to it and move forward prayerfully His plans always succeed and yet somehow that often times infuriates me more, until I do hit my knees and see his heart and intention.

This morning I was buzzing around the house getting packed up to head out the door because on Wednesdays we meet up with some other fab families for playtime/mommy time/lunch and then I go work with my dad while my Grandma spends an hour or two with the kids. As I buzzed, I fumed. Dirty socks on the floor...not mine...not the kids. Dirty coffee mug in the sink instead of the dishwasher, and toothpaste in the sink. I thought to myself...wow, I am married to a neanderthal. Stomp stomp stomp as I pick up messes I did not make...a toddler fit because it just isn't fair follows. Just kidding...kind of.

Then in several conversations today with three different friends, as they shared marriage struggles with me, I realized I hadn't thanked Howard in a very long time. His minor little flaws are really nothing at all in comparison to the gift he is in my life. He is my very best friend, my biggest supporter, the most amazing father who LOVES having time with his kids, and a wonderful leader for our family. On top of all that he is a minister to many especially my own heart.

He is a wonderful and loving man of God and so tomorrow, when I pick up dirty socks and move that coffee mug from the sink to the dishwasher I will fight back the toddler fit and I will be trying to use those previous annoyances as a reminder to pray for Howard and give thanks for all he is to this family. If we take a close look we all have lots of flaws. I have more than I can count and yet he loves me in spite of and sometimes even because of each and every one. I am so very blessed to have found such a wonderful man of God and I know Satan loves nothing more than tearing marriages apart and so it is my goal from now on to stop when I find myself annoyed (one of Howard's famous lines to the kids is that annoyed is a choice)by the little things and give thanks for the MAJOR blessing God has given me in Howard Bolte. As my dad would say I "had an attitudinal problem that needs some readjustin'"(a quote from one of his favorite movies) Thank you Lord, for the gentle reminder of all you have given me. May I see this as another opportunity to lose the selfishness and die to myself. Attitude is of the utmost importance and as the wife and mother of this household I need to have an attitude of gratitude. Gratitude, much like ungratefulness is a seed...only each bears a different fruit. I pray to plant a seed of gratitude in this family where love and joy can grow wild. By grace alone.

American Idol

2011-09-09T08:41:00.001-04:00

Those who pay regard to vain idols forsake their hope of steadfast love. Jonah 2:8

So, last week was tough. I made it through each day by the skin of my teeth. Being responsible for the education of my children weighed heavily on me and I felt overwhelmed and underqualified. My fuse was short and I was not the graceful, patient mother I want to be. Howard was frustrated with me I could tell. He never said a word, just, encouraged me to seek the Lord and do my best. He left my Bible open on the counter each morning and left me a sweet note.

Sleep seems to allude me when there are lessons to be planned, floors to be swept, laundry to be folded, toys to be picked up, sinks to shine, toilets to scrub, children to bathe, you get the picture. Then I found when I did lie in bed, my mind raced thinking of all the things left undone. I shared my insomnia with Howard who assured me I needed to take it to God. He asked if I had prayed about it. Prayed about it? Huh. Gee, I guess I forgot to start there. And then it dawned on me. I hadn't REALLY prayed in days...I mean we gave thanks at meals and I prayed with the kids at bedtime but it had been days since I bowed my head, drowned the rest of it out and asked the Lord for the grace that only he can extend.

This week has gone considerably better. We are learning our curriculum and how to best use it for our family. We have gotten out and spent some much needed time with friends, but the real difference I believe is prayer. We are beginning each day with prayer and I find myself needing (after reading the little reminders I leave for myself all over the house) to bow my head and commune with the One who can make it all so much better. The One who knew we would be right here in this place and he orchestrated it all.

You see, I hate to admit it, but when I get busy, the first thing that tends to go is my time with God. In a world where becoming an "idol" is a great accomplishment, I want so much different for my family. He commands us to have no other God before Him and I have been so guilty of practicing idolatry on a daily basis. When I decide I MUST scrub the floor or shine the sink or do just that one last chore before I hit my knees, I am basically saying that these chores are more important. When I sit down and check Facebook instead of meeting Him, I am making Facebook an idol.

I grew up in a home where "cleanliness is next to godliness" was the theme. My grandma is an AMAZING lady and kept an immaculate house. We never had the nicest "things" or anything fancy, but what we had, we took care of and cleanliness was of the utmost importance, but at what point have I chosen to put it ABOVE the One who gave me all I have? I don't know. I still firmly believe that God calls us to be a good steward of all He gives, whether that is money, possessions, children, or spiritual gifts, and we are called to take great care of such things, but if we are missing out on our one on one time with Him, aren't we missing the point? Idolatry is sin. While I still want my husband to come home to a clean house, it is more important that he comes home to a wife who is right with the Lord and children who are learning what it looks like to live this life for Him.

My goal for the next week is to rise just a few minutes earlier, to hit my knees before I hit my feet in the morning and begin each school day with prayer and to weave it throughout the day, we are called to "pray without ceasing" and for some reason I struggle with this. I tend to compartmentalize my life and often forget that commune with Him should be a theme throughout. I knew money could be an idol, other people can become idols, and graven images can become idols, but housework? YEP! I am constantly telling my children "When we disobey, things don't go well"...humbling for sure. When we disobey, things DON'T go well. God calls us to turn from idolatry an to consecrate ourselves to Him alone. I am hoping that the shift in focus will make a difference in our school day.

The housework will still need to be done, but AFTER prayer, after a heart check with God. I am not sure what this is going to look like, but I am certain it won't look as it does, what with the frustrated slamming of cabinet doors and overwhelmed sighs of despair. Schoolwork will still need to be done, after meeting with our Lord for the morning and constantly throughout each day. Perhaps if we commune with Him and invite Him into every single thing we do, there will be more joy and less frustration.

I have been in need of an attitude adjustment. We started this school year and I was overwhelmed from day one. I felt like adding the role of academic teacher to the bajillion roles I was already juggling was ridiculous and if I am being honest, I was a little resentful that I felt like this was what God wanted me to do. I mean when would I have ME time? At what point would I get a moment to do what I wanted to do? What about me getting to go back to work one day? (Oh wait, my going back to work would me getting hired in a school, to educate other people' children. Should that desire be greater than my desire to shepherd and teach my own children?) He is refining, and it is uncomfortable and a little scary. He is moving me out of my place of selfishness and each day more into a place of servanthood and self-denial. If my children don't see me open my bible consistently and pray without ceasing, how will they know how crucial this is. Is that not more important than learning about subjects and predicates? :) I believe education is very important, but knowledge without God is futile. What am I putting first? OY! Reality check. This girl has some serious work to do.

Schooling Your Own Kids Isn't For Wimps!

2011-09-07T22:07:00.001-04:00

HOLY MOLY! What a whirlwind the past two weeks have been. If I am being honest, I ended last week in tears, certain I had made a HUGE mistake and that Luke might be back in school by Monday. :) I sat down and just cried and cried pleading for the Lord to just tell me what on earth He is doing here and what exactly He is calling me to. You see several months ago when we were pursuing foster care (which we still are and I will update you on soon)I felt the Lord pulling me in just a bit, He was reminding me that I needed to be intentional and invest all I could into the children I had already been given. I have this tendency to want to rush out and do HUGE things and change the world all the while missing the boat with the mission He has already set before me.

Just a couple of years ago if you would have asked me my thoughts on homeschooling I would have said, I thought it was nuts and that ALL children should be in school. I shouldn't be surprised that in the past two weeks when we have been out in public, I have had to field the question of why Luke isn't in school, but it has caught me off guard. I have been asked countless questions with varying intentions I am certain. I have had grocery store clerks ask why the boys aren't in school and then roll her eyes when I tell her we were done with school for the day because we are schooling at home.

Now, here is the thing...I am by nature people pleaser...all my life I have worried so much about what everyone else thinks, and this season in life is not allowing for that. We have had to stand firm on what we believe to be right for our family and just hold fast. We have had to think and rethink our position on things and we still believe without a shadow of a doubt that this is what is best for our family in this season. That is not to say that they won't return to public school and it isn't to say that they will. We have chosen to revisit the decision yearly and do what is best for each individual child. That is all we can do as parents right?

As a former teacher I was sure I would be a stellar teacher for my children and oh how they have humbled me. This homeschool stuff is not for wimps. It is constant and beyond exhausting. I have learned this week that I don't have to make "our school" look just like public school...in fact that kind of defeats what we are doing here. We have loosened up and though we re following the curriculum we are also focusing on experiences and not so many worksheets. :) I am learning more about my own kids and about myself than I imagined I would. I am finding that the Lord is refining me and pushing me beyond my limits in this and He is stepping in to fill the gap when I allow Him full reign.

This week has been such an improvement from last week. It is still hard. I am still barely awake by the end of the evening as I plan the next day's activities, but I can't describe the overwhelming sense of accomplishment and joy when I see progress with the kids. I have found that if I start my own day with asking Him to fill the inadequacies that are so glaringly obvious in me, and hitting my knees and asking for help the moment things start to get hairy, He is there, He steps in and He makes it right. Keeping God focused has helped my attitude go from, oh my word, "I feel like a pinball bouncing between three children barely having time to pee or have a moment's peace" to "Thank you Lord, for allowing me the opportunity to do this, to pour into their lives as you pour into mine. Thank you for your peace that is able to overcome all of the chaos and fill my heart with joy."

So, I wont lie and tell you the "Bolte School" is perfect, that tears aren't shed or that frustrations don't ever run high, but I will tell you that we are working on it...together, with Him and that He is refining and making beauty from a complete and utter mess...and for that...I am so VERY grateful.

I might also add that I am also so very grateful for the new friends He has brought into my life gradually over the past couple of years for this very season. While many are critical, I am so thankful for a group of friends who are right here in the trenches with us.

The Bus Stopped Here

2011-08-30T13:49:00.000-04:00

I shared earlier that we decided to school Luke (2nd grade) and Ben (PreK) at home this year, so when I was getting breakfast on the table and the bus stopped and honked at the end of our driveway at 8:20 this morning my heart sunk and tears began to flow. The kids were getting dressed and making beds so they never saw it, but it literally brought me to my knees.

I have shared my intense fondness for our local elementary school and at first I thought these feelings were just my grief over not being a part of such a great school this year. Then, it hit me for the first time. If Isaac were still here...HE would be getting on that bus. He would be starting Kindergarten this year. Sometimes these milestones cause grief for days of anticipation leading up to the event and sometimes they seem to sneak in out of nowhere and suck the wind right from my lungs.

Today I felt as though I had been sucker punched. Yesterday was our first day of homeschooling (which isn't real homeschooling so I have been so kindly informed because it is cyber school that we are doing, and it isn't REAL public school as I have also been reminded because it is by and large ruining the public education system) I digress. The day was a whirlwind of activity. I felt like a pin ball being whacked from one side of the board to the other. Three different voices begging for my attention all at the same time. By the end of the day I was spent. I was fairly certain I had ruined my children and must have been out of my mind when I agreed to keep them all at home.

This was when Howard got home. Always the voice of reason and wisdom, Howard gently reminded me that this was in fact what we were called to do in this season and that I needed to remain firmly planted in His word. Always my reminder that attitude is everything he held his half full glass of water up and gave me the look. :) (sometimes it is superbly annoying how right he is and how great his perspective generally is. I may have wanted to knock the glass out of his hand.)

I woke up this morning and Howard had left each child a surprise and love note on the table reminding them of their weekly Bible verse and for me. He left my Bible OPEN on the counter. When I sent him a text this morning about Isaac he replied, "Good thing the Lord had better things in store for our boy.". At first I threw the phone down. SERIOUSLY? I had sent him the message knowing that he too would feel the pang of grief and yet he gave glory to the Lord...I'll be honest...sometimes it annoys the daylights out of me that he never seems to allow himself to succumb to the human side of this grief thing, but I am also awfully thankful he doesn't always indulge me in it.

I then came across this nugget of wisdom from Ann Voskamp this morning:

"Rejecting joy to stand in solidarity with the suffering doesn't rescue the suffering. The brave who focus on all things good,all things beautiful,all things true even in the small,who give thanks for it and discover joy even in the here and now,they are the change agents who bring fullest Light to all the world. When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places,let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows."

Lord, Please help me to focus on the good. Please help me to always see that glass in Howard's hand as half full. Help me to be thankful in all things and continue to send reminders to gently pull me back to gratitude when my heart begins to shift to self pity. Please help me to allow the joy to soak in to all of my brokenness.

Today we got through school and it was picturesque. We sat on a blanket under the tree and read, we finished all of our work before lunch and had a great day. Perhaps perspective and prayer really are the key to it all. When am I gonna learn?

(pictures of our "first day of school" to come as soon as I can figure out why my camera blinks red and refuses to upload to the computer when I plug it in.)

Luke Love

2011-08-20T10:50:00.001-04:00

On August 19th, 2003 I was about 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby. I was furiously cleaning an prepping a special dinner for Howard's family to celebrate his Mom's birthday that we were celebrating that night (though it was her true birthday the next day). Howard had gone into the bedroom to lie down for a bit before everyone got to our home and I went in to the bathroom to get dressed. That was when my water broke. I stood there stunned and unsure of what to do. I couldn't tell if I had lost bladder control or if the time had come. I was certain it couldn't be baby time as I was still supposed to have five weeks to prepare for Luke's arrival.

I went to the bedroom to tell Howard what was going on and he popped up like a jack in the box and began running around like a mad man throwing my things in a bag. I called the doctor who asked me to come in to the hospital to be checked. We ran out the door as our dinner guests were arriving. We told them to help themselves, apologized, and off we went! I remember being terrified, not really knowing just HOW early five weeks was, I kept asking if he would be okay. The nurses assured me that from what they saw he'd be fine and hat he may need the NICU or a little oxygen but that we'd be just fine.

After about 21 hours of labor, the doctor came in and gave me the lowdown. I was exhausted and so my choices were to accept something for the pain and get an epidural so I could rest or risk exhaustion and ending up with a c section. They didn't want the baby to be in there for more than 24 hours with my water broken.

Two hours after the administration of the epidural (for which I could have kissed the doctor)the doctor came in and checked me. He said "Okay we are ready to push. This could take a while so slow and steady wins the race." I pushed, and the doctor put the nurse in charge while he ran across the hall to deliver another baby. With the next push the nurse asked me to STOP! She called for help and literally held the baby in until the doctor came running back into the room. He literally caught the baby as he ran in and he came out and handed him to the nurse. It was like something from a movie.

Then they handed me our boy. The boy I was certain would be named Noah or Benjamin. We looked at him and knew this was Luke. He came ON his Grandma Bolte's birthday! He was just over five pounds and the most miraculous thing I had ever seen. And to this day I look at that boy in awe.

Honestly, I can't imagine life without that awesome kid. He has grown to be the most amazing eight year old boy. He is responsible and respectful, loving and light hearted, he has a heart of gold and is as smart as a whip! I am so proud to be his mama. He's come a long way from that 5 pound baby boy we were terrified to even hold, but he captured my heart in a way I never knew possible. He changed me. He made me a mom. He has taught me so much and I am so excited to continue to grow with him.

He adores his little sister and has his nose in a book more often than not and if his nose isn't in a book he is likely climbing the maple tree in the front yard or riding his bike. He loves to help out and be given jobs. He is compassionate on level I never knew possible for an eight year old. He has a tender heart and cries easily. He has the ONLY Bolte sibling to have met each of his siblings on earth. He has learned about love, life and letting go. He is an old soul and makes me want to be a better person. He loves anything Lego, Mario or Star Wars and is pumped to have some of his best buds, two sets of twins, over tonight for a sleepover. For his birthday dinner tonight he has requested homemade stromboli and chocolate chip cookie dough brownies. I am so thankful that we get to celebrate eight years with him and I pray God gives us many more. Being a mom is the GREATEST gift I have ever known and it all started with our Luke! Thank you LORD for Lucas Robert!

Seriously. My heart is just overjoyed knowing that I get to be their mom.

Be Thou My Vision

2011-08-12T00:00:00.001-04:00

Last week our family piled in the car for our annual trip to the eye doctor. As I sat in the chair chatting with the doctor, I mentioned that all my life I have seen double and that recently, I have found that it hinders the amount of time I can spend reading. I had it checked as a teen and the doctor then told me that nothing could be done to correct it aside from "vision therapy and eye exercises" which my dad scoffed at. I figured it was just something I would have to live with so I have.

As I explained this to the doctor he looked at me with pity. He said, "You mean for as long as you remember you have seen two of everything and you have not done anything about it?" To which I replied, "I guess so...I didn't think anything could be done." He gasped and went on about how I should have brought this up in the past five years since I have been seeing him. I have prescription glasses but it is a VERY minor prescription as my sight is actually near 20/20, just needed a little fine tuning.

He assured me that he could give me glasses with prisms in them that would help me to see only one of everything. I was skeptical, and I don't much care for glasses on my chubby face, but I was also excited at the idea that the headaches might subside, and that I might be able to read for more than ten minutes at a time.

My glasses came yesterday and it was my first day wearing them. I put them on so the glasses fitter lady could adjust them and she asked if everything looked clear. I said that they did, she adjusted my glasses and I got up to leave with them on...which is when I nearly fell flat on my face. I sat back down and told her I didn't think they were working because my distance perception was awful. She assured me that they would take some getting used to and told me to just try wearing them for short periods and gradually increasing each day.

I wore them again today and it was better. It is CRAZY to me that I can see so clearly and only ONE of everything. :) As I was thinking about how crazy it is that I have lived 32 years and never knew this kind of clarity was even possible, it dawned on me...our coming to Christ is so much the same.

We walk through the world blurry and often dark unaware of the crisp clarity that is available to us. Once we get gutsy enough to ask for help or have someone gracious enough to teach us the Way, we seem unsure...the idea takes some getting used to. We try our salvation on and are amazed at the precision with which we can see, yet it still seems so foreign. It takes some getting used to. We may stand up and sit back down. We may stumble and fall flat on our face. We may have to try it for periods and keep coming back to it until we are certain, but it is surely a better way.

Prior to allowing our vision to be through Him, we are unaware of the glory and beauty that awaits...sometimes it is like seeing again for the first time. Sometimes though, we put it on and we look in the mirror and believe lies and think we look stupid in our new glasses (ahem) but eventually the clarity outweighs all of it. The beauty in the gift that has been given is so great that it trumps it all. We put those glasses on and wear them with pride, knowing that looking stupid is FAR better than living without them. Life has been taken to a whole new level that we never knew possible.

Tonight I thank Him for my vision and for His Vision. Without which, it would be a mighty dark world. One of my favorite hymns is Be Thou My Vision.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best thought by day or by night
Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light
Be thou my wisdom and Thou my true word
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord
Thou my great Father, I , Thy true son
Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one
Riches I heed not nor man's emptly praise
Thou mine inheritance now and always
Thou and thou only first in my heart
High King of heaven my treasure Thou are
High King of heaven my victory won
May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun
Heart of my own heart whatever befall
Still be my vision O Ruler of all

That last verse I have repeated to myself over and over, hidden in my heart when life hurts and makes no sense. I have often prayed to the Lord to be my vision despite the whole world crashing in around me. I have begged for Him to make my heart His own and for my limited vision to be sighted with His mighty Vision. Sometimes this world just makes no sense to us, but using His word as our glasses, we know we can trust His vision above all else. Tonight as I type this I am overwhelmed with gratitude that He has led my blind self into a place of beauty and clarity. I surely don't deserve the gift he so lavishly bestows upon me, yet He gives it anyway. I pray that He will continue to be my vision. I will (with the help of my new glasses) immerse myself in His word so that I may continue to see so clearly. I pray that I can help to be an eye doctor to a blind and hurting world, bringing clarity and joy to those who don't even know what they are missing...Lord...Be Thou My Vision. May I always seek Your Vision above my own.

Two Cardboard Boxes

2011-08-07T13:01:00.000-04:00

Yesterday, two cardboard boxes showed up at my doorstep. The appearance of those boxes in our home sent me deep into thought last night as I realized the magnitude of what is happening.

As a little background, I went to college to be an Elementary School Teacher, I graduated Magna Cum Laude with a BS in Education. I attended public school, I taught in public school and I believe very much in public school. My senior year at college I had to write a paper on a highly debated educational topic. My thesis was that homeschooling is actually a form of child abuse. (I know, I know). Howard is a public school teacher. Some of our very closest friends are public school teachers.

We happen to live in a school district with one of the best elementary schools around. Howard and I both attended this very school and we have nothing but good things to say about the school, staff and familial feel of the wonderful place. We are so blessed to have such a wonderful public school option. Seriously.

This is why, when the Lord started nudging me a while ago to research other options for our kids I shut Him out. I was content. I knew Luke was SO loved and so well cared for and it made it so much easier to let him get on that big yellow monster each morning. :) I love my kids. I love when they are all home and it was hard for me to say goodbye for such a large chunk of his day, but I figured it was an issue that was for ME to work on...I needed to start letting go. So I did.

Luke liked first grade and loved his teacher. She is one of the best there is for sure. Howard and I both had her as our first grade teacher and we were thrilled that Luke would be blessed by her also...and he was. This is why part way through the year when Howard asked if I would consider homeschooling the kids, I thought he was nuts. I had been feeling the Lord work on me in this area and it was all too scary for me. I shrugged it off and we kept on.

One night, Howard and I had a serious talk on the matter. He shared with me all of his concerns, as a parent and as a teacher himself. He was concerned that Luke was becoming lazy, that because he is one of the oldest in the class and is several levels ahead in reading, he is learning to do the minimum just to get by. Even the most wonderful teacher in the world, when placed in a room with 24 seven year olds can only do so much. She had kids who barely knew their alphabet...they needed her attention. She tried hard and gave Luke extra projects and work, but again she was only human and already spends countless hours on creating lessons for the kids.

I kept praying on what we were to do...I knew how strongly Howard wanted the kids to be schooled at home, yet he knew that unless I felt it too, it would not work so he just let it go and kept praying on it as well. Through my prayer time and scripture reading, I was beginning to really hear God calling me to this job that honestly for me seems impossible...THREE small children all depending on me for their everything. Let me just tell you that I do not have the patience of a saint so it is only by the grace of God that this could possibly work.

Last week we decided. My convictions became stronger and my fear of disobeying what God was calling me to do became greater than my fear of homeschooling itself. In a few short weeks, that big yellow bus will drive down our road and bypass our house as we begin to create a learning environment within these walls.

If I am being honest, I am excited but also terrified. The magnitude of being SO responsible for my children's education overwhelms me...to which Howard gently says "so why trust it to someone else...if it is so important...God will equip us". Oh, that man...so wise and yet sometimes so irritating. (I say that with love, I know how blessed I am) It has become a matter of just saying "Yes, Lord" and praying our way through.

Now, all this said, I have found that as we share this decision with friends and family we are coming up against a LOT of opposition and eye rolls, so just for myself, I want to explain a few things.

We are not doing this out of fear. We believe that we are to fear nothing but the Lord, Himself. We are not trying to shield the kids from the world or protect them from anything. We are merely trying to do what is best for OUR kids. That said, we also believe that public schooling is good and is what some families are called to. Our reasons for homeschooling are not religious as much as just trying to do what is best for our own kids. Our choice to do this is in no way saying that we have a beef with school or the teachers there...that could not be farther from the truth. It is also not saying that we think this is what is best for every family. Much like all other parenting decisions, families need to choose what is best for their own kids and their own families. For some, that is private school, for some, homeschool, and for others public school.

Proverbs 9:10
"The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom."

We have also been scolded for making a choice that will ultimately cause the demise of public schooling. Disappointment has been shown in our "not allowing our children to shine their Light into the public school system." To those I say...we are merely trying to be obedient and do what is best for our kids. Expecting my five year old to be a Light is a huge responsibility, and one that I must admit I don't think he is ready for...we have a lot of foundation yet to lay. I do hope and pray each day that our children will shine their lights for all to see...I just feel like I need a little more time to instill some of those things in them. We still think it is of the utmost importance to teach them to be a light and to love with the love they've been shown.

I want Luke to retain his love of learning. I want our kids to find learning fun and exciting and above all I want them to be kids. I want them to play and explore. For THIS year Luke will do second grade and Ben will do Pre-K at home...we will pray and make schooling decisions each year depending on what is best for each individual kid. I really think we will send Ben to Kindergarten next year, but we will see. I hope to remain open to whatever God has for us.

I welcome any advice on homeschooling (especially when you don't have a school room) and organization as I am new to this. I am excited and can't wait to spend all of my moments with these precious ones. I know that if the Lord is calling us to this and we continue to seek Him that we will all be blessed.

Those two cardboard boxes...are just a reminder to me...to never say never...and that God can change hearts in big ways. If you say so, Lord...I will.

Proverbs 3:5-6
"Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths."

Deuteronomy 6:5-8
"And thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thine heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy might. And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up."

Thank You Lord, For Benjamin Oliver

2011-07-26T16:18:00.001-04:00

As I sit down to type, words fail me. I stand in awe at the plan the Lord had for us when he gave us Benjamin. Three months after Isaac died, I became pregnant with Ben. In an effort I think to fill the large gaping wound in my heart, I threw myself back into pregnancy and all things baby.

The trouble is that when Ben was born I felt a huge disconnect. They handed him to me and I expected the hurt to heal instantly. It didn't. He wasn't Isaac. I wanted Isaac. Little did I know how much I needed Benjamin. The Lord knew. He wove this wonderful ginger haired babe together perfectly and just for our family.

He wasn't Isaac. Isaac was gone. We were given Benjamin. A bright eyed, red haired boy who would turn our world upside down in the best way possible. God knew we would need a little boy to make us laugh and not take life so seriously. We would need to have his personality added to our brood to help us to laugh again and enjoy all that we've been given. Daily Benisms have soothed our broken hearts.

Ben does everything he does fiercely. He loves fiercely, he plays fiercely and he fights fiercely. He is my polar opposite in so many ways and has been such a blessing in my life teaching me so much more than I could have imagined. He didn't need to live in his brother's shadow, or fill the hole left by him. He just needed to be Ben. God has used this boy in a mighty way. I love you buddy...for all you are and for all you've yet to be!

Don't for one minute think that because you are the middle child, you are forgotten or less important. You hold a very special place in our family and in our hearts and we praise God for you, son!

He has a unique place in our family...sandwiched right between his two brothers in Heaven and he is right where he was meant to be. He has been a tool used by God to show us how blessed we are in the midst of strife and in the midst of our daily mess. He reminds us never to take ourselves so seriously.

He came into this world quickly and intensely and he seems to go about life the same way. He challenges me more than I would like to admit and he blesses my heart more than I could have imagined. I thank the Lord each day for the incredible gift he gave us in Ben. Ben is proof to me that God really does know what is best. He knows what we need and he provides it. My heart overflows with joy in knowing I get to raise this little man. I can already see a work the Lord is doing in this boy and I am so excited to see what He has in store for Ben. Through the light bulb incident, to the numerous calls to poison control, ER visits and quirky Benisms, I can't help but overflow with gratitude that the Lord blessed us with such a precious boy!

Modesty...A Thing of the Past?

2011-07-18T23:35:00.001-04:00

I know that there is a chance that this post will cause some folks to roll their eyes or to argue against what I am about to say, but after the week I have experienced, I have got to get up on my soapbox here.

We have spent some time in the past few weeks at the beach, various swimming pools and a waterpark. I have seen more skin than I ever care to see. I wouldn't typically consider myself a prude, but maybe I am. I find it interesting that we look down on men when they falter with lust or have a wandering eye, but as women, don't we hold some responsibility for that too? I mean, if we aren't dressing to make men look, then why the plunging necklines and the mini skirts?

After a trip to the mall today I was floored. We don't spend a whole lot of time at the mall, but the boys had outgrown their shoes and Hope is about to potty train so we thought we would venture out for two new pairs of sneakers and some little girl undies.

Everywhere I looked as we walked through the mall I could see cleavage and butt cheeks. I found myself disheartened that this is what society has come to. This is what we value. A woman doesn't have to dress frumpy or out of style to be modest. I know many women who dress beautifully and very stylish without showing off what God gave them.

I know I am new at this raising a girl thing but I seriously flipped my lid today while underwear shopping for Hope. She is two. She is barely 20 pounds and I was having a hard time finding undies that were small enough. I ran into GAP in an effort to find something that would be just right as often I can find smaller things there for her. Much to my dismay, while I was able to find a pack of xxs underwear (for OVER 20 dollars) when I opened the package to hold a pair up I nearly lost my mind. The lack of coverage on those "bikinis" made for a two year old made me tear up.

My goal is to teach Hope about what is appropriate. I hope to teach her that she should do everything she does to honor God, even what she chooses to wear should please him. I want her to be able to be cute and express herself without selling out to this idea that more skin shown is better somehow. It is for this reason that, when I was pregnant with her, Howard picked out her first swim suit, that is a rashguard and little shorts. We hope to start now so that she knows that we expect appropriate. I have to wonder, why society has told us that one piece swimsuits are old fashioned. We have to start teaching them from the beginning and this is another uphill battle I am willing to fight because I think it is worth it. We set the example. We need to be more mindful of what we wear and what our true intentions are for wearing it. We had a horrible time trying to find her an appropriate swimsuit at 2 so I can only imagine how hard it will be at 12.

If I have to learn to sew so I can make her appropriate underwear, I will do it, but I'd rather not...anyone know where I can find tiny appropriate underwear for Hope? Help a mama out! :) And on second thought...maybe I AM a prude. :)

It is well

2011-07-15T00:25:00.000-04:00

Thank You, Lord for Isaac Matthew

2011-07-14T09:13:00.000-04:00

Remembering him today, and praising God for choosing us to parent such a special blessing. If you'd like to do something to honor him along with us, please consider making a donation to the Delgado's adoption fund. Isaac had EB much like Anton. Our arms ache to hold Isaac, yet we can't. Let's help to fill their aching arms with their boy!

One thing on our agenda during Isaac's days is to deliver "A Gift of Time" and "Holding On To Hope" to our local NICU in hopes it will bless other parents as they may face similar unthinkable circumstances. If you feel led maybe you could do the same for your local NICU.

My heart aches so much today wondering what Isaac would be like as a six year old. I want so much to hug him and see him blow six candles out. My heart is also comforted in knowing he made a difference and continues to do so. God has a plan and it is good.

Blissful Ignorance

2011-07-13T10:44:00.000-04:00

Six years ago today, I was a different person. I lived a different reality and I cried a lot less. Six years ago I walked the earth, belly swollen with child, assuming that very soon I would go into labor, give birth to a beautiful baby boy and take him home to live happily ever after. Visions of two little brothers close in age, being best friends, loving each other, fighting with each other and sticking up for one another danced through my mind. I dreamed of his first tooth, first steps, first day of kindergarten and dancing at his wedding.

Since that day those rose colored glasses have been shattered. I live a completely different reality. I live in a world where decisions like what color to paint a nursery don't matter because decisions like taking your child off of life support trump them. I have seen tiny urns and gravestones for babies. I have held my own children as they took their first breath and also their last. I have planned baby memorial services and sobbed until I was certain my c section scar would tear back open.

Somehow...today..the day before Isaac's birthday is often one of the hardest days for me. It marks the end of an era and the shattering of those rose colored glasses. An innocence was lost and while I sometimes wish for those days again. I am determined to count it all joy. I know that what the Lord has for me is greater than I could ever imagine. I know even on my darkest day He holds me in the palm of His mighty hand. Today, I will fight the urge to pull the covers over my head and sleep the day away. I will resist eating a gallon of ice cream and sitting in a dark room. Today I will put one foot in front of the other...breathe in and out, and choose joy. I know that my hurt pales in comparison to what the Lord holds for me. For today, as I struggle to exist, I will stand firm on that promise, knowing I am loved and that Isaac is right where the Lord planned for him.

Mission Motherhood

2011-07-11T23:02:00.002-04:00

Some days in the midst of wiping noses, refereeing, and kissing boo boos, I question my importance as a mother. I wonder if a day spent cleaning up spills, folding laundry, and pushing squealing children on swings really matters. It is far from a glamorous life I live. Sometimes I dream and I long to do GREAT things for the Lord...things like traveling to third world countries to help heal some of the hurt, risking everything for His glory. I wonder sometimes if what I am doing is enough. If God looks down and smiles as he sees my hands at work.

That Satan is a sneaky punk. He sneaks in, steals my joy and makes me doubt, but only if I let him. He is subtle, always lurking and ready to play on any insecurity and cause me to fumble. He fools me into thinking I am unworthy of doing great things and incapable of being all God calls me to.

The thing is, God tells me different. I look at the above photo on my camera and it is clear. Motherhood IS a mission. That is not to say that we should settle into a comfortable life and that we will never be called to add to that mission. God IS calling me to great things. I look at this photo of my baby girl, already dreaming of being a mother herself. I watch her as she sings the songs I sing, kisses her baby the way I kiss her and babbles on often repeating phrases I know I have said myself (sometimes mighty humbling).

She is watching. She is learning about what motherhood is from me. I think about what I came into motherhood with and much of it was taught by the mother figures in my life. When I think about this my mind begins to spin. Can you even imagine how much impact we have as mothers on our own children, but also on the generations to come? Our interactions with our children today will shape who they become and will also shape how they parent, good or bad.

For me, motherhood was something I always knew I wanted to experience. I have always wanted to be a mommy and I had great ideas of how things would go and what kind of a mother I would be. I have declared many times how "I would NEVER do that" only to find myself doing that very thing down the road. I think that we often times trivialize our role as a mom. The magnitude is scary. We are, every moment, investing in the eternity of the ones we love most. That gives me goosebumps and butterflies.

I will be the first to tell you that I love being a mom. My heart floods with joy in knowing that God chose five special kids specifically for my care and I stand in awe with the responsibility of what He has trusted me with. I don't take it lightly and I love being with my kids but lately my eyes have been opened to the real mission field of motherhood. Does this sound familiar?

The family sits down to dinner. Prayers are said, food is served and everyone begins to eat. Just as I pick up my fork, one child needs another drink, I get a drink and sit back down, then the next kid needs ketchup, sigh, sit back down and pick up fork, spill...now I huff of to scramble for kitchen towels to sop up the mess all the while complaining under my breath about how my dinner will most certainly be cold by the time I finally get to put it to my lips...then I can't help but wonder (aloud) how I can't seem to lose a pound despite the fact that I can't remember the last time I sat down and ate a whole meal from beginning to end.

During an episode similar to this this week, I felt God grab ahold of me and make some things very clear. Motherhood IS a mission. It is an act of laying yourself down daily and putting other people's needs before your own (though we also need to teach those children to also respect the needs of others). It is grueling and honestly one of the jobs I would consider most closely correlated to the job Jesus did on earth. It is a mission in and of itself and one not to be taken lightly. It is a responsibility that carries more weight that we can imagine and affects the children of now and the children of the future.

God is speaking to my heart this week as it is shattered into a million pieces as I miss a sweet dark haired boy who is celebrating his sixth birthday this week in Heaven. He is reminding me that while it is okay for the tears to flow and my heart to ache, that here, in this valley, he holds me. He equips me and he grasps my quivering chin reminding me how much He loves me, how valuable my role is in the lives of each of my children, and how he has blessed me with each one. I am reminded again that we ARE called to do great things to further the kingdom of the Lord and being a mom is no small task. He has trusted us with the future and it is our responsibility to train them in the way they should go, grasping each moment and loving our kids the way He loves us.

I am missing Isaac more than ever this week, and while I wish he were here, I don't for one minute regret the journey the Lord has us on. I know He knows best, I know his plans for us are good and though I am sorrowful, I am rejoicing in the mission He has given. I get to be a mom to three kids here on earth and to two sweet boys in Heaven. I get to make each moment count and invest in their eternity and honestly I can't think of anything I'd rather do. My prayer is that as our children see us parent and as they long to emulate us, we will reflect the light of the Son and train them in the way they should go. I pray for the patience and the strength to be the Mom God has called me to be and to be intentional with each day we are given.

In an effort to do great things for the Lord, I vow not to miss the GREAT things He has placed directly in front of me. It seems the world has devalued a woman's role as wife and mother and so it would make sense that sometimes in an effort to put those things first it feels as though we are swimming upstream. Lord give me the strength to keep on swimming upstream.

Beauty Everyday

2011-07-04T15:26:00.001-04:00

As I sat outside a few nights ago, a Blue Heron flew overhead. While at the beach earlier that same day as the kids splashed in the water, a Bald Eagle circled above. Both times I spotted those majestic birds flying over head, it took my breath away. I stopped and thanked God for all He has given us and marveled at the work of his mighty hand.

As I sat down for quiet time that night, I realized something. I have been on this earth for 32 years. I have lived right here in this area for every one of those years (aside from during college) and until I met Howard, I never knew these birds existed around here. I was 20 when we began dating and his family is very into nature and bird watching so over the last twelve years they have taught me a thing or two about birds and identifying them. The boys are GREAT at spotting and identifying wildlife and trees of all kinds.

What stood out to me though was that these things had been a part of my surroundings for TWO decades before I ever even noticed them. It seems that we see them all the time now that we are looking for them. I can't help but wonder how on earth I never noticed them before. So wrapped up in my own world, I was missing on the beauty surrounding me.

Similarly, Howard and his family have opened my eyes to what having a relationship with my Heavenly father can be. The past few weeks I can't help but notice each day how a veil really has been lifted from my eyes since meeting Howard and I am overwhelmed with gratitude. Not only is he a wonderful father and husband, but he was a tool that the Lord used to help to open my eyes to all that I was missing out on. The blinders have been removed and I can see again and what a beautiful world it is.

While I can see a vast difference in my life and awareness, I still have to wonder what I am missing out on. I have spent so much time in my life in survival mode. I have just tried to live moment to moment, breathing in and out and putting one foot in front of the other. If I am being honest, I feel like I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Mundane is something I am not terribly familiar with. I feel like I am always looking for the next tragedy or dilemma instead of just basking in the mundane of today.

In an effort to merely survive, I am sure I have missed out on some things. I have spent a majority of my life in fight or flight mode, and right now, God has handed me a season of blissful ordinary, a season I have always longed for and I am not sure what to do with it. As Isaac's birthday approaches I am keenly aware of how my world has changed forever and I am intent on not wasting all I have been given and all I have been taught. I don't want to waste anything He has given and I am trying hard to keep my eyes fixed on Him. I am seeing beauty everywhere and my heart floods with joy as I sit here on this deck watching three amazing gifts crafted by God himself run around the yard.

Instead of looking for the tragedy that is looming around the corner I am trying harder than ever to look right in front of me, at ALL I have been given. I am determined to see the beauty in the mundane and look at the world with the wonder I see in the eyes of my amazing kids. July 14th through July 20th are the days that Isaac blessed us with his presence, the Lord gave us life and though it was also taken away, He gives good gifts and Isaac was no exception. My goal this year is to honor those days by finding things each day to celebrate the blessing God gave us in Isaac and bless others by pouring His love out from our cup that runneth over and to give hope to hurting hearts. My heart hurts and I long for my boy who would be SIX years old this month, but I have to know that God has a great plan and my only hope is to follow Him and to walk in obedience and love. I am more thankful than ever for the hope that Jesus gives by overcoming the grave. One day, one day...the tears will be wiped from every eye and our hearts will hurt no more, and for today let's try to get out there and help the hurting hearts everywhere because while we long for "someday", today is happening right now. If we can ease a hurt or just share hope and love, let's make a difference today and not just waste it away wishing for eternity.

The truth is that I don't want to wish a way a moment of this. I don't want to spend each day looking forward to tomorrow when today has already been given. Those who know the Lord and all he can do, are so blessed, but there are so many out there wishing their lives away because of the hurt they carry among other things. It is our responsibility to share what we have been given, and largely, it is love. We are called to get out there and LOVE our neighbors, even when it is hard and even when it is scary, and with God, we can do it! I have spent many a day just wishing Jesus would return so we could get on with Heaven and just stop hurting already, but I think that kind of thinking will get us into trouble. That isn't why we are here...we are here to love...we are called to help the less fortunate and to share Him and how he has changed us. Has he changed you? Are you willing to get out there and spread His love?

What are you waiting for!? Lets go!

For His Glory

2011-06-21T11:56:00.002-04:00

GOD CREATED US FOR HIS GLORY
(Isaiah 43:1-7)

As I begin this journey in taking better care of myself, Howard continually asks me what my goal is. More than once I have taken offense and thought he was being un-supportive. As I was running yesterday (yes, I followed through AND yes "I was running" are words I never imagined I would string together.) I had some time to really contemplate things and examine my heart (you know, as I was quite sure it would give out any moment).

As I ran and my legs began to ache I thought, why AM I doing this? What difference does it really make if I exercise or not? What difference does it make if I eat Oreos or apples? Does God even care?

As those thoughts raced through my mind, I plodded along and I feel like I was able to focus and really complete a thought (not always easy with 3 sweeties always around). I asked myself again, why I was doing this and I realized that if it isn't for His glory...it really is all for not. If I am running and eating better to be skinny, more attractive, admired, or to fit in my smaller jeans, it really is all for nothing.

Really, in anything we do, if it isn't for HIS glory, what is the point? The Bible tells us that God created us for His glory. If this is God's goal, then shouldn't all we do be aligning our lives with that goal? When I get frustrated or sad and I fill myself with cake instead of with God, is that bringing Him glory? Of course not.

I am sure it is no coincidence that yesterday in my reading I came across this gem:

Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. —1 Corinthians 10:31

WHATEVER we do should be done for the glory of God. This passage even says, whether you eat or drink or whatever you do...this confirmed for me that even in my diet I should be eating to fuel my body not medicate it.

All man's efforts are for his mouth, yet his appetite is never satisfied. Ecclesiastes 6:7

We can stuff ourselves until we can eat no more and yet we will never be satisfied. Satisfaction only comes from God. When am I going to get it?

This battle is not about looking a certain way or even feeling a certain way. It is about yearning to feast on the "Bread of Life" and not empty calories. It isn't really about whether we eat apples or Oreos. Oreos can be a gift from God. It is about filling ourselves first with Him and craving that above all else.

As I ran last night and felt my lungs burn, chest pound, sweat pour and body ache, I wanted to quit. Surely something so painful could not be good. Yet my mind was brought back to the one who's body truly was broken for us. He endured more than I can imagine and because God created us for His Glory and because his plans for us are good...beauty does come from the broken.

I can't say that after day one, I enjoyed running and I admit I am relieved that as part of the plan, I don't have to do it today, but I am looking forward to my time on the road tomorrow, more time for solitude and prayer, my body is a vessel to be used for His glory and if it needs to be broken and endure pain to fulfill his purpose, so be it.

A man's spirit can sustain his broken body, but when spirit dies, what hope is left?" Proverbs 18:14

"Why spend money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to Me and eat what is good, and your soul will delight in the richest of fare." Isaiah 55:2

Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

These shall be new additions to my index card Bible verses all over my home as a reminder...it is not about me...it is all about bringing honor and glory to Him. I also want to thank the many of you who have shared your experience and advice with me. I am honored to share in this journey with you!

Shackled

2011-06-20T09:56:00.000-04:00

Like most of us, I sometimes struggle with being judgemental. I don't always allow the words to come out but often times the thoughts are there. Lately God has really been convicting me that when I find myself thinking about the shortcomings of others, that I probably have some self examining to do myself...you know that whole get the plank out of your own eye kind of thing? We all have struggles and we all have shortcomings. We have weakness and sin and feel unworthy, and the truth I am learning daily is that in our weakness He truly is strong if we just get out of the way and put our focus on Him.

I have shared before that I am an emotional eater. Isaac died...I ate Oreos...Asher died...I ate ice cream...and now many pounds and many months later I sit here weighing about as much as I did nine months pregnant. I have contemplated diets and I have started work out programs only to give up and fail.

I have recently talked with Howard about wanting to jump back on the wagon and he keeps saying, "I will support whatever you want to do...but I am going to tell you right now that if your motive is to fit into smaller pants you will just fail again. REALLY search your heart and find your motive." I felt defeated. That seemed like about the worst thing he could have said. He sounded unsupportive and he expected that I would fail.

I have continued to do some heart work lately and as I have I have found that this love of food and hatred of exercise has become a shackle for me. It is holding me back. When I am sad I eat...before I pray, before I get into the Word...I split open the box of cookies and dive in. Subtly food has become an idol. When I feel broken I crave food...not God. That is an issue.

God has given us the gift of his unconditional love. In Him we are free and to continue to shackle ourselves to our sin is robbing us of the amazing gift we've been so freely given.

So friends...I am doing it...not to fit into smaller pants or to look like a super model because Howard is right. Those motives are superficial and won't change my heart. I am making a change. I am going to seek God before I seek the pantry. I am going to take charge of my life and break free from the chains that are holding me back from being all God wants me to be. This doesn't mean you won't ever see me have a treat...but it won't be a response to stress, sadness or joy! My plan is to seek God first and allow Him to fill me instead of food and see what that does to my craving for cake and Oreos.

In addition, I have decided to begin the C25K running program. If you know me you likely just laughed out loud. My children will be the first to tell you that when it comes to running, "Mommy, only runs when chased by someone scary who has a weapon." :) I have decided that I need to become a runner...I will never have the money to buy a gym membership or equipment. I am going to have to go back to the basics. I have 5 K plans for next year in honor of my boys and in honor of a friend's mom. I am going to do it...hold me to it.

On Father's Day

2011-06-18T09:35:00.002-04:00

I am more aware than ever of how blessed I am because of Howard. Words cannot do justice to how I feel for that man. I look at this picture of his strong arms holding Asher as he entered the arms of his Heavenly Father and it speaks volumes to my heart.

Those arms have held each of our five precious gifts as they entered this world and they held two of those babes as they left. Those arms held sweet boys as they tried to understand that their brothers would not come home. Those arms also held me more times than I can count when I carried each babe and was stricken with worry and fear. They held me as my broken body shook and trembled in grief. The muscles in those arms dug the fresh dirt at the cemetery where our sons bodies would rest in peace. To me....those arms are my sacred place.

Those arms also lift squealing children high into the air (nearly giving me a heart attack), spun me around the dance floor on our wedding day, and move furniture around incessantly when I insist on change.

Through the joy, through intense pain, and through the every day, Howard is the rock of this family. He is a leader and a role model for our children. He loves them fiercely, teaches them, disciplines them, prays with them and listens to them. He goes to work each day and pours into the lives of young men and women and comes home and pours out even more on our family. It is evident that he fills himself with God and pours it out onto everyone around him.

He values my role as a mother and places little value on material comforts. Howard reminds me daily to live in but not of this world and to just love above all else, and is a shining example of that to our children.

So, this, Father's Day weekend, I just want to praise God and thank Him for the gift he gave to our family when he blessed us with Howard. I cannot imagine a better husband or father and I am overflowing with gratitude for that man. He has his own struggles for sure, but is always seeking to be better and do better and follow God. I couldn't ask for anything more.

Beginning of a Blessed Summer

2011-06-12T09:35:00.002-04:00

Out of Nowhere

2011-06-08T14:57:00.003-04:00

Luke and the very best first grade teacher on the planet on his last day of first grade and the last school day of her career.

I am an emotional girl. I own it. I cry easily and wear my emotions like a hat. My emotions can change rapidly and I praise God each day that He gave me Howard who can just roll with the punches.

Luke was sick yesterday and had to miss his last FULL day of school but he woke up feeling much better this morning and really wanted to go to school today. I got everyone up and dressed...choking back tears all the while. My sweet mother in law came over to keep the little ones so I could pay attention at the last day of school Awards Assembly instead of chasing them. (So thankful for her)

Luke and I loaded into the van and headed to that little school where Howard and I each also got our start in education. I walked into the familiar doors, signed in, placed my bright pink visitor sticker neatly on my dress and headed to Luke's classroom. I have spent quite a bit of time in Luke's classroom this year and have enjoyed every moment. He belongs to a wonderful class of kids and has the best first grade teacher a kid could ask for. I have felt very at home in his class and more than welcome at all times.

You see, Howard and I both were blessed to have this very same first grade teacher. I couldn't love her more. Throughout the year as I would volunteer, I admit, I had to fight my OCD and NOT begin cleaning and organizing her room and I was able to sit back and see the beauty in 37 years of experience that spilled out all over that room.

As I walked into that very classroom this morning I could see a desk, shelves, tables, countertops and a floor. It seemed so empty. I couldn't hold the tears and they began to stream down my cheeks. Luke gave her her gift and again the tears streamed. We then headed to the Awards assembly where Luke was recognized for a few things (citizenship, good student, reader) and Mrs. Camp was also recognized. When she got up to speak, the tears began to roll...then she went on to talk of how our family had blessed her in her last year of teaching and the silent flow of tears became the ugly cry. Once she finished I left the room to gather myself. Yet every time I would pull it together, I would lose it again.

I WAS the crazy mom. The one that just keeps crying at school. It was awful. I stood there...looking around the cafegymatorium and wondering why I was such a basket case. We live in a small community and this particular retiring teacher attends our church...it isn't like we aren't going to see her again, we'll see her Sunday.

As I sat here reflecting on the morning wondering why I was such a lunatic, it dawned on me that it is perhaps because of the same reason I am struggling with the idea of homeschooling. I KNOW that I can teach my kids in a creative and fun way at home and get to be with them all the time and that it will be a fabulous experience, yet I love this little school so much it hurts to think of pulling them out. My reasons for wanting to homeschool are not about protecting our children from the world, or that I think the school is horrible. Just that as one mom with three kids, I think I can give him an education that one teacher with twenty three kids cannot, even if she is super teacher. I can't say enough good things about the teachers and staff at Luke's school.

You see, when I was in third grade, at this very school, my mom died. I remember my dad saying we could take as much time as we wanted from school after her funeral. I wanted to go right back. This school was my comfort, my safe place and my family. It was a constant in the world of a nine year old girl who couldn't keep up with how fast everything else was spinning. I was loved there and cared for. Even though we moved to the next town over to live with my grandma, my dad had someone drive us back to this little school for the second half of my third grade and all of my fourth grade year. He knew that this school had become my family. My security blanket was the old school bell out front, the brick walls and the love inside.

I suppose I have not let go of that. I have been so excited to have my children know the family of this little school. As I walked the halls today feeling those feelings of comfort and familiarity it dawned on me that there are only two teachers left from the family I knew when I was nine. Mrs. Camp was one and her sister Miss Porter (my 3rd grade teacher) the other. SO the idea that one more of those faces would no longer lovingly greet me and hug me as I walked those halls, that there would only be one person left in that school who knew my mom, knew me before she died and loved me after was overwhelming for me. I think that is where my comfort in recent times have come from. There are people there. Who really know my story...who really know all of the junk and they still love me fiercely.

I don't have a lot of memories of my mom or of my young childhood and that school and those amazing people who worked there were my family. They were my bridge over troubled waters and they grew with me and helped me cope when my mind couldn't even comprehend what had happened. They loved me before they pitied me for what happened. In that school I wasn't JUST the girl who's mom shot herself. They loved me before that and didn't just love me because of my sad baggage. I felt genuinely loved there.

So today...I am struggling...I never saw it coming...it hit like a brick wall out of nowhere. I am sad and grateful all wrapped into one. Please pray for my heart...it just feels awfully broken today. I have some big decisions to make about Luke's schooling and I want to be sure I follow God and not just get bogged down by my baggage. I completely apologize if none of this makes sense. :)

10 Marriage Lessons Learned in 10 Years

2011-06-02T08:43:00.006-04:00

Ten years ago today, Howard and I stood in front of our family and friends and promised to love each other forever. We had no idea what the coming years would bring but we knew that together with God we could handle whatever came our way.
Ten years of marriage cannot go by without learning a thing or two. I will be the first to admit that marriage is not always easy. It is tough living with someone else day in and day out, but it is also a blessing. Our marriage relationship is supposed to mirror Christ's relationship with the church. Those are some big shoes to fill.
I am far from being an expert and I am still learning every day as well as making mistakes each day, but here are ten of the most important things I have learned in the last ten years:

1. Forgive - We don't deserve it, but God forgives our sins, so should we forgive our spouse when they have wronged us. It doesn't do anyone any good to carry anger and frustration. Forgiveness is as much a gift for yourself as it is for your spouse. We should allow Gods love to overflow from us and onto our spouse.

"Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" Colossians 3:13

2. Settle disagreements quickly - I think it is perfectly fine to take a little time to regroup and cool off if you are really upset but allowing something to fester within your relationship only gives Satan a foot in the door. We are never promised a tomorrow so try not go to bed angry...it might be the last night you get.

"In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, " Ephesians 4:26

3. Let go of unrealistic expectations - this one is HUGE for me. We are inundated by romance and perfect relationships on TV, in books and all around. Nothing will kill any relationship faster than unrealistic expectations. I have found myself longing for Howard to show his love for me by setting up surprise dates, gifts and romantic gestures and sometimes I lose sight of the fact that he DOES show his love for me each day by caring for our family the way he does. I cannot tell you (and I hate to admit) how many times I have gotten upset with Howard for not reading my mind. I know what I want and yet I don't communicate that to him because I want him to just know. It isn't fair to him and it only sets him up for failure. I can try all my life to change my husband OR I can let go of my unrealistic expectations and love him for who he is and who God is making him.

4. Focus on the positive - you will see what you look for. If you are looking for shortcomings you will find plenty, but if you look for the blessings the Lord has given you in your spouse you will find them everywhere. We all have shortcomings and we all feel better when others notice our strengths so when you see a gift. Thank your spouse for it. Cheer them on and let them know you appreciate them. When you remove the plank from your own eye first you are able to see others a lot more clearly and hearts are changed. God has given us a gift in our spouse. We must commit to receiving that gift and unpacking it daily.

¹ “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ² For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

³ “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? ⁴ How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? ⁵ You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye. Matthew 7:1-5

5. Pick your battles - some things just don't matter. You like crunchy peanut butter and your spouse likes creamy...just buy both. Howard and I used to bicker about such things until we learned that sometimes both parties can be right. It isn't worth it. You can be right or you can be in a relationship. You can't always be both. Sometimes it is just better to seal those lips! (I struggle with this a lot!)

“Teach me, and I will be quiet; show me where I have been wrong. How painful are honest words! But what do your arguments prove? Do you mean to correct what I say, and treat my desperate words as wind? Job 6:24-26

6. Submit - I think often times we remember the part in the Bible where it says "wives submit to your husband" and think we have to be a doormat. This is not what God is saying. we are to be submissive and allow our husbands to rule the roost. The husband should be the leader of the home. This is how God designed it, but that in no way means that a woman's role isn't vital or that she should be disrespected. In a relationship it is important to submit to EACH OTHER. We are called to put the other person's needs above our own.

Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ. Ephesians 5:21

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers. 1Peter 3:7

7. Have sex and enjoy it - this is uncomfortable for me to even say as I sometimes tend to be a bit of a prude, but God designed the marriage relationship to include sex. Sex is a vital part in a marriage. I have been surprised at how much closer it really brings two people when a part of a marriage. I think as wives we are supposed to be sexually available and sometimes that is hard especially when raising young kids, but it is important. It is something I struggle with but am learning that God really does want us to enjoy this intimacy with our partner regularly. We need to see it as the gift it is though and NOT a duty. That said it MUST be done within the marriage relationship. When sex is used prior to marriage, or outside of marriage it WILL reek havoc on that relationship. (I have a whole post on my experience with this...but that is for another day.)

Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. Hebrews 13:4

¹ Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” ² But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. ³ The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 1 Corinthians 7:1-3

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth.
A loving doe, a graceful deer— may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love. Proverbs 5:18-19

8. Put your marriage before kids - GASP! I know, did I just say that? I did. I think one of the greatest gifts we can give our selves, our spouses and our children is to put the marriage before the kids. Kids thrive in homes where there is a great marriage relationship. Anymore it seems that kids don't have many opportunities to witness a good marriage model. That is not to say that anyone has the perfect marriage but it is good for kids to see that you make it a priority. I think that IN putting your marriage first, your kids will feel loved and secure and that is of the utmost importance. Again, this is a struggle as our kids are needy and precious gifts to be cared for, but so is our marriage.

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband. Ephesians 5:33

9. Pray together- This is huge. This is something we seem to do well for seasons and then fall out of. I am not just talking about praying at dinner, I am talking about praying for God's direction, for your children and just all things in general. Prayer helps to strengthen the relationship between a couple AND God and when God is the head, the marriage will survive anything, if both partners are seeking His will together. It doesn't give Satan even a chance. And Satan is on the prowl, trying to destroy marriage and take our eyes off of God.

Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. Ecclesiastes 4:12

10. Build each other up - We need to be encouragers for one another. We need to cheer each other on and help our spouses be who God intended. Take time to listen to one another...REALLY listen lift each other up and remember our tongue is a powerful tool. Compliments and genuine praise go a long way. Selfishness has no place in a marriage. We should always seek to build our spouse up. This also means that when we gather with other women we must be careful not to tear our husbands down to others either. This is sometimes tough, but it is essential in building a trusting and caring relationship.

The soothing tongue is a tree of life, but a perverse tongue crushes the spirit. Proverbs 15:10

Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. 1 Thessalonians 5:11

Like I said, our marriage is far from perfect and we are still working on all of these things, but I feel like we are headed in the same direction and I am excited to see where the Lord takes us! What have you learned about marriage in your relationship?

Living up to Her Name

2011-05-31T22:17:00.002-04:00

Two years ago we were blessed with one (of five) of the greatest gifts of our life. We thought we had it all planned out. Howard was scheduled to have his last day of school June 1, and we were planning on having June 2nd as a day to celebrate our anniversary and just spend time together. My c section was scheduled for June 3rd and we were so excited. Little did we know...this is not how Hope rolls.

As Howard got ready for work June 1, I remarked on how horribly I slept because I was having cramps all night. A couple of times I had to catch my breath as I helped pack his things for the day. He asked if I was okay. I assured him it was nothing...Braxton Hicks get stronger with each pregnancy and this WAS my fifth.

He headed to school and I went on with my day. As I got breakfast for the boys I found myself needing to sit down. My back was killing me. Then I had a flashback. I had no idea I was in labor with Ben but it did feel something like this. YIKES! I began timing contractions. We live about 40 minutes from the hospital so I was told as soon as they were every 10 minutes or regular at all really to come in and they would get me in for the c section. They were every 8. I called for babysitter help and called Howard, who had just gotten his school day started. He came home and we headed in so I could be checked.

I was put on the monitors for a while and it was confirmed that I was contracting regularly and pretty strong. (You know because you need monitors to tell you that) The nurse was ready to send me home to continue to labor. I began to cry and asked to see a doctor. I did not want to labor only to have to had a c section and was assured that if I was in labor the c section would happen. They obliged and squeezed me in for a quick check by Dr. J. She delivered Isaac and I swear my PTSD kicked in. She said that I was four centimeters and should probably just head over to the hospital.

We headed to the hospital where nurses once again hooked me up to monitors for a while. I was then told that they weren't sure they would do anything terribly soon. Dr. S came in. He is no nonsense and a God send. He breezed in and said, "Hey honey...you ready to have this baby?" I said I was and he said, "Get her ready...let's have a baby!"

From there things flew! I trembled in fear as I remembered my two previous c sections. Both ending with a dead baby. Dr. S had delivered Asher and was beyond fabulous. He had also been there after I had Isaac and was again STELLAR! I knew he was the best and more than competent. I cried as he came in to have me sign the forms, with all the crazy scary stuff. He grabbed my face and looked right in my eyes and said, "Kristy, you are going to be fine. NONE of this is going to happen to you. I promise."

She was born at 2:22 pm (Asher's birthday is 2/22) :) She was amazing and I had a bit of a hold up in recovery (that may have involved a nurse miscounting instruments and xrays having to be done to be sure i didn't have one sewn up in me) Holding Hope was magical. She was perfect.

The following day was tough. I felt attacked on all sides as we once again feared for the life of our flesh and blood. She was diagnosed with Epidermolysis Bullosa and her future was uncertain. Life was a roller coaster in those first few days. A baby's first week should not include bandages, biopsies, and wound care.

The truth of the matter that many people do live with EB. They endure pain and suffering and go right on living, probably more fully than most of us ever dream of. I have hated EB and what it took from us in those first few weeks. I am happy to say that though Hope's skin does seem more fragile than a typical child, she is doing awesome. I cannot complain. She does not have to endure painful baths, blister lancing and bandaging. She lives up to her name more than she will ever know.

My heart still breaks though because for some children, EB affects everything for them. For some children it means insane amounts of pain and limitations. The simple things we take for granted are not so simple for a person living with EB. While my heart breaks for them, I have been immensely blessed by the EB community. I am here to tell you there is nothing like it. In those first few weeks we were inundated with support, supplies and information. We were loved and taught what it meant to live moment by moment.
Hope has blessed us beyond what we could ever imagine. She has taught us so much and has opened our eyes to EB. It isn't a well known disorder and we have got to get the word out. EB sucks. We have got to find a cure. To do that money is needed and the word needs to be spread.

In honor of Hope's second birthday, I'd be honored if you would:

1. Consider donating to the Cannell family's adoption of two sweet boys with EB who live on the other side of the world and have never known the love of a family.

2. Consider donating to Debra to help support families who are affected by EB and help find a cure.

3. Get the word out. Tell someone about EB.

4. Pray for all of those affected by EB.

I would love it if you would consider choosing one of these things we can do to make a difference.

Happy Birthday sweet Hope Amelia. I am so thankful that I get to be your mama and I cannot thank you enough for helping to make me a better person.

Memorial Day According to Ben

2011-05-28T21:31:00.003-04:00

Friday I took my little ginger haired babes to the grocery store to pick up a few things for the upcoming Memorial Day festivities. Ben noticed that Giant Eagle was decked out in red, white and blue...here is the conversation that followed:

Ben: Mom, why exactly do we celebrate Memorial Day?

Me: Because it is a day to honor and celebrate the brave men and women who fight for our country to keep us safe and free. We remember the men and women who died for our county and celebrate and honor those who fight for us today.

Ben: Oh, I get it...like Jesus.

Me: Not exactly buddy, the men and women I am talking about are the soldiers who fight in wars to keep us safe.

Ben: Well I sure am thankful for them, but if you ask me, Jesus fought the most important war ever.

My jaw dropped and I gasped trying to think of what to add...I had nothing. Sometimes we wonder how much of what we are teaching the kids sinks in and then moments like this come up and remind us just how much they really are grasping. I am with Ben, VERY thankful for all of the service men and women who sacrifice SO much to protect this country, and also VERY thankful for Jesus who fought and won the most important war ever.

Must Read

2011-05-25T11:20:00.002-04:00

I have been reading and re-reading Ann Voskamp's book "One Thousand Gifts" for the last few months. It is not the type of book that you just read and pass on. It is a book that you rad and have to soak in...stop, re-read and really allow it to transform you. It has been a tremendous blessing for me and I am finding it changing my whole outlook moment by moment.

Since I have begun really putting some of Ann's perspective into my own and really trying to live a life of "eucharisteo" I have also started checking her blog each morning as part of my devotional. All I can say is WOW. Today' post was exactly what I needed today. You should check it out...you will be blessed!

Life Changing

2011-05-23T09:12:00.002-04:00

Five dollars...doesn't seem all that life changing to most of us. I mean, what's a missed Starbucks trip, run through the drive through or one less item at Target?

I am coming to learn that though we live paycheck to paycheck here, and we feel like we are poor. We are rich. While five dollars may not make a big difference in our budget it is powerful enough to move mountains for others when put to good use.

Carson and John are brothers in orphanages on the other side of the world. They have a family who desperately wants them to come home and the only thing stopping them is money. Both boys have Epidermolysis Bullosa and would thrive SO much better in the Cannell family's loving home. Won't you give up your coffee run just for one day to help bring them home?

Jesus tells us that whatever we do for the least of these, we do for him. Let's show these little boys what Jesus is all about!

Click HERE to donate. EVERY penny counts!

Good Intentions Aren't Enough

2011-05-18T14:45:00.003-04:00

The man answered, "'You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.' And, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

This verse just keeps popping up for me lately. Does that ever happen to you? You just keep encountering the SAME verse or concept over and over until finally you say, "Okay, God. I get it. You are trying to show me something here.". I shared before that I have been in a weird place lately. That I am trying hard to follow God but sometimes to my detriment. Sometimes I am so concerned with what I want to DO for God that I forget that more importantly I need to BE who God wants me to be. If I work on my character the "do" will come easily because I will be the person for the job.

I believe with all of my heart that God is sovereign over all things. I don't believe in fate or in chance. I believe God orchestrates a story that unfolds for each of us in an unbelievable way. He intricately weaves our story together in a way no human mind could comprehend. That said, sometimes we take wrong turns. We take our eyes off of God. We focus on our own desires and agendas and we (sometimes even with good intention) make choices that cause us to take the long way around. I recently watched a sermon by Francis Chan that likens this experience to a GPS. God doesn't yell at us for taking a wrong turn...he recalculates. It will likely take longer and may cost us a bit more, but f we continually seek Him, even when we make poor choices and take wrong turns He will bring us back to Him.
Can I tell you how thankful I am for this? Seriously. In an effort to do big things and be "Radical" I have lost sight of some things. Sure, in comparison with some my character is pretty good. I mean, I don't do anything criminal. I am generally a good person. But is that enough?? Lately the word to describe how I have been feeling is ineffective. God is showing me that in order to remain effective for His kingdom I have got to take care of my character.

⁵ For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; ⁶ and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; ⁷ and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. ⁸ For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. 2 Peter 1:5-8

Imagine that! God has already given us the tools we need and instruction against becoming ineffective. This verse tells us to make EVERY effort to add each of these qualities to our character...that we should be increasing these qualities within ourselves. Nowhere does it say...once you are "pretty good" it is good enough. Nope...continual growth and forward motion.

God is showing me that in order to remain effective for his Kingdom, I have GOT to stay focused on MY character. What I do won't matter a lick if I am not seeking Him first. We are called to love the Lord with ALL our hearts, souls, strength and mind. If we give it thought, because this is the greatest commandment it should be the thing we are working hardest toward and putting EVERY effort into, and yet when I examined my own life, I find this is not always the case. I spend a lot of effort on things that don't matter. I have a lot of distractions taking my mind off of God and onto the things of this world.

I am seeing very clearly that right now God is calling me to be present in this very moment. To soak it in, to be in His word and in constant communication with Him. I need to check my heart and be sure I am living a life of gratitude and giving thanks for all I have and not worrying about what I don't. I need to open my hand and receive the good gifts he is giving and make sure I am seeking Him first because even the best of intentions will cause me to fail if He is not the center. I need to be less concerned with what grand things I am doing for Him and concern myself with my own heart and character because I have three little hearts watching my every move each day. I am investing into them all that I invest into my own self and being the woman, wife, mom, sister, daughter and friend the Lord wants me to be. Sometimes it really isn't about what you are doing for Him...it is about who you ARE because of Him. Is He reflecting through all you say and do? I know I've got some work to do.

To my faith I need to add goodness. To the goodness I need to add self control ( a REAL issue for me). To self control I need to add perseverance. To the perseverance I need to add godliness. To godliness mutual affection, and to mutual affection LOVE. We need to be increasing these virtues each and every day. If we want to be and/or remain effective we have got to grow...we have got to move forward and we have got to increase! I sure have some work to do...how about you?

Spring Cleaning

2011-05-16T14:04:00.003-04:00

Though I love to clean, I am not talking about cleaning of our house today...I am talking about spring cleaning our hearts and our lives.

5 For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; 6 and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; 7 and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love. 8 For if you possess these qualities in increasing measure, they will keep you from being ineffective and unproductive in your knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ.
2 Peter 1:5-8

I have been in a funk lately. I tend to go through these cycles and typically good comes from the funk. :) I am not saying I am in a funk in that I am sad or depressed or anything like that. I am just in a constant state of unrest and confusion. I think that in many ways my desire to do God's will is my downfall. I know that likely makes little sense, but I feel like I often get gung ho about something and I desperately DO want to honor God and so I go full speed ahead...sometimes perhaps leaving God in the dust so to speak.

I want for God to look at my life and the things I accomplished and I want Him to smile and say "Well done, good and faithful servant". I want to please Him, but in all honesty I think sometimes in an effort to do just that I accomplish the exact opposite. I have always been a people pleaser. I got good grades, not because I liked school or learning, but because it pleased my dad. My whole life I have wanted to please others and many of the paths I have taken have been largely to please someone else. I have thus far approached my relationship with God much the same. I want to please him so He will love me more.

When am I going to get it through my thick skull that there is NOTHING I can do to make Him love me more or less? I have in effect been rejecting the gift of love He has given by putting conditions on it myself. He hasn't done this. I have. He loves freely and without condition or stipulation. It is so hard for my finite mind to grasp such things.

In an effort to be a good girl and DO what the Lord calls us to do I have neglected becoming WHO he wants me to be. I have busied myself with the things I think the Lord would have me do all the while busying myself to the point of getting snippy with my children, and not having time to listen to what my husband has to say and spend time with him. I have literally spun my wheels and gotten nowhere.

As I have taken some time to really seek out the Lord and to know Him better so that I can know His will, I have come to realize that while he does want us all to DO good things, he is more concerned with us BEING who he wants us to be. I have lost sight of that. Sometimes we need to realize that the state of our heart and soul matter. God commands us to (above all else) love Him with all our hearts, with all our soul, all our strength and all our minds. ALL. Not part, not what is left over after the world has its way with us. ALL of us.

"'You must love the LORD your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.' And, 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Luke 10:27

Last night Howard and I sat down and had a much needed talk about our family and our direction and while I found it disconcerting, I also know that God is at work. Howard is reading Watchman Nee's "The Spiritual Man" and claims it to be (aside from the Bible) the most profound book he has read. He said that he feels like our life is filled with too much distraction that is taking us away from God. That things, even if they are not bad in and of themselves, if they direct our attention away from God that they are not worthy of our time. God should be the center of EVERYTHING.

I have to admit...while I didn't want to admit to him initially that he was right. He was. Satan uses all of the chaos of the world to distract us from the One who brings peace and contentment. I am not even talking about things that are obviously inappropriate to spend time on...even things that seem innocent enough...if they are not done in a way that honors God or with him as the focus, they are not worthy of our time. Consequently, we can spend ALL of our time doing good and noble things, but if we are not seeking God first, none of it matters. We cannot put the cart before the horse. God first and then he will use us for good...not the opposite.

As we look forward to what the Lord really IS calling our family to do, we know He has a good plan for us. We know big things are to come. The thing is that it isn't about our plan and what WE can do for him...it is about what He can do through us and unless we make sure he is the central focus of it all we won't succeed.

In their hearts humans plan their course,
but the LORD establishes their steps. Proverbs 16:9

This verse hangs on an index card next to our family calendar and I try to take care when planning our weeks and days that we do not fill them up so much that we lose sight of what is truly important and what the main focus is. I have kind of missed it in the big picture though. As we work on spring cleaning our house we will also be spring cleaning our hearts, our souls and our lives. We are renovating at the Bolte house and trying to rid ourselves of the distractions that are cluttering up our lives and not allowing us to see God's will as clearly as we need to. God is not confusion. Satan is. Satan wants to sneak in subtly and steal us away...he wants to divert our minds to things that don't matter and we have got to be on guard. We have got to rid our lives of the distractions. Sometimes we have got to stop DOING and just BE. We need to work on our relationship with the One who matters most before we can know how He wants to use us.

What are some of the distractions in your life? Do you have any spring cleaning to do?

Sorrowful Yet Always Rejoicing

2011-05-08T09:18:00.005-04:00

When I think of the idea of Mother's day, the words that come to mind are "gut wrenching". I woke up this morning, after waking several times last night with various children and the "Mother's Day" wall hit. I pulled the covers over my head and began to cry, I then decided to jump in the shower where tears streamed down my hot cheeks as I tried to gain some perspective on a day that brings so much mixed emotion.

I have always for as long as I can remember dreaded Mother's day. To me it seemed just another made up holiday to make people buy flowers and candy and a day for some to celebrate while others hide in their closet and cry For some people to flaunt the relationship they have while others mourn what they don't. Kind of like Valentine's day.

It is true. My own mother took her own life when I was nine years old. She left me motherless and broken and I will never be the same girl I once was. My reality was changed forever. As a kid, Mother's Day for me was getting shuffled to another classroom while all the other kids made Mother's Day gifts, so that I wouldn't feel bad, they meant well, but it always magnified the loss for me. I have no idea what it would be like to have a mother to call when my heart has been broken, when I am not feeling well and need a hand or to go have coffee or lunch to celebrate life's joys. I try to imagine what that might be like because I desperately want my children to know what that is like, but sometimes I fear I have been so scarred that it is tough for me to be what I do not know.

As I sit here in bed at this moment typing on these keys, I am determined to turn this day around. It hurts to be without my mom and it hurts like Hell to be missing Isaac and Asher. My heart hurts...BUT, I have Luke, Benjamin and Hope here. The Lord has trusted me with training them and I have such a desire to do it well. The time I get to invest in them IS an investment in their eternity and I am so grateful that I get to be the mom to each of them. All five of my kids have blessed me beyond words. Being the mom to Howard's children has proved to be the toughest task of my life but also the most amazingly rewarding. These children have taught me so much and they really do inspire me to do better. They deserve all God intends for them and God has trusted me with making sure they know His love.

Motherhood is tough. Motherhood is exhausting and thankless and heartbreaking. Motherhood has stretched me beyond my own capacity and taught me what it means to trust in the Lord, it has taught me what love is. It makes me want to strive to be the woman God wants me to be for them. Because of those five little blessings, I want to be a better person. Motherhood has brought intense laughter and anguishing tears.

So, I guess, really why should Mother's day be any different? Motherhood is an amazing gift that entails all of the most intense emotions a woman can experience. It involves allowing a part of ourselves to be exposed, a part we never knew existed. For me, Mother's day is much the same. It is, like motherhood, filled with heartbreak and loss, but also so much more...it is filled with hope and joy and love. It is worth every tear and broken heart.

Our Father is orchestrating something so much greater than we even know. He chooses each mother for her children and each child for that mother. It is no accident that my motherhood journey has taken the winding twists and turns that it has. Each experience in my life is shaping me into the mother, wife and woman that the Lord wants me to be and for that I am grateful. I am beyond thankful for Lucas Robert, Isaac Matthew, Benjamin Oliver, Asher Joseph and Hope Amelia. They have each made me love deeper, live harder and cherish each moment. The gift the Lord has given me in those five little people humbles me to my knees. I don't deserve any of them and yet He has blessed me still. The idea of cards and gifts seems so insignificant in comparison to the gifts they give me every day. I am thankful to just get to be their mommy. I don't take the job the Lord has given me lightly and I pray that in the coming year I am able to honor Him and train them in the way they should go.

So I woke up crying, and tears will likely fall throughout the day, but the joy is there too. It is always there. I will spend the day rejoicing that the Lord chose me for this journey and I will give thanks that I get to live this life. For me the journey of motherhood is full of sorrow and full of joy and it is through sorrow and joy that I get to grow and love the family the Lord has blessed me with. Motherhood is beautiful, but sometimes it is finding the beautiful in the ugly. I am determined to seek out the beautiful and celebrate that today.

Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything. 2 Corinthians 6:10

This IS the day that the Lord has made, I WILL be glad and rejoice in it!

The Harder I Try The Harder I Fall

2011-04-29T14:23:00.004-04:00

Wednesday of this week was a beautiful day in Northwestern Pennsylvania. I woke up early, did some reading and hit the ground running. I got Howard and Luke off to school and then I got the rest of us dressed and sent the little ones out to play on the deck while I brought things outside for thorough cleaning. I spent the entire morning and early afternoon scouring and scrubbing. For me, cleaning is therapy. When my heart is unsettled, I take it out on the house. I find relief somehow in the scent of Method Cucumber Melon cleaner, it soothes me as I frantically scrub and scour tiny sticky fingerprints from everything.

I then made the kids lunch, got Hope down for nap and Ben settled for rest time and I got to work on dinner. Once I had dinner done I jumped in the shower and got myself ready for Luke's baseball practice and then church. I packed bags and got things organized and was feeling pretty darn good about things. I almost felt like I had it all under control. The house was sparkling, I was dressed and primped, the bags for practice and church were packed and by the door and I still had a few minutes until Luke's arrival.

I set the table and began getting things gathered for dinner. I had just pulled the bagels out of the oven for bagel sandwiches and was reaching up into a cupboard high above my head to get the deep fryer down when Luke walked in. I looked over and smiled at him. I felt accomplished. I asked about his day and as he began to talk I lost my grip. I had used the oil the night before and put he fryer away with the oil in it as it was still fresh. As I fumbled the fryer tilted forward toward me. And then it happened...the oil spilled out and hit the top of my head and began running down my face and suffocating my joy. There was oil everywhere. All over the counters, cabinets and floors I had JUST scrubbed, all over the stove I had just cleaned with a toothbrush, and ALL down my head, face, and clothes.

Luke stood there stunned and I stood there the world blurred by the oil in my eyes trying not to completely lose it. Luke looked at me carefully, trying to judge what I was going to do next. I laughed...not like, funny haha laugh, but the inappropriate, I really want to scream and cry but I am going to laugh anyhow kind of laugh...the I should probably be in an asylum laugh. I stripped down to my underwear so as not to track the oil through the whole house, grabbed kitchen towels and skated on them back to my bathroom carrying a bottle of Dawn. Luke laughed as I am sure it was quite a sight and asked if he could help clean up. I told him I would take care of it and that he should go start his reading.

I jumped into the shower for the second time that day, which has to be a record because usually I am lucky to get ONE. I washed and washed trying to get the oil out of my eyes, nose, mouth, hair. I stood in the shower tears streaming down my oily face trying hard to find something to thank God aloud for. "Thank you Lord, that Hope is sleeping right now so I don't have to worry about her running through the pond of oil on the kitchen floor. Thank you Lord, for soap and water...." I got out of the shower but could still feel a film all over me and I now had NO time to dry or flat iron my hair. I added some product, attempted to scrunch it. I threw on an old tshirt and shorts so I could go begin cleaning. I smelled like a salad and I felt defeated.

We were out of paper towels. I threw the shirts I had been wearing in the garbage as there was NO saving them. They were so saturated they would for sure not be worth the effort. I picked up my favorite pants and began to douse them with Dawn and put them in the sink. Howard walked in. He saw me on the floor, tears streaming and he knew I was struggling. He hugged the kids, came over and bent down and began helping me sop up the oily mess. He said, "Kristy, I know you are frustrated, I know this has to be very disheartening, but it is okay. I will clean up, please go take a few moments and collect yourself and get ready for church." I protested. "What about dinner." He assured me we would figure it out and gently nudged me toward the hallway.

I stood there in our bathroom looking in the mirror and wondering why on earth I fail so badly when I try so hard. Tears fell again,tears of frustration beaded up and streamed down my hot face. It was just an oil spill and it was minor in the grand scheme of life, but my heart was so broken. I had spent the entire day trying so hard to have everything just so, I wanted to be organized and I wanted Howard to come home to such a different scenario than what he walked in on. I was disappointed in myself. Who keeps a deep fryer on the top shelf? (A mom who doesn't want her kids to get into it) I breathed deep. Thanked God that there was no permanent damage to anything and for such a fantastic husband, and got myself ready.

We ran through the drive through (gasp) on our way to baseball and then headed to church. When we got home we gave the kitchen another once over to remove any remaining residue and we sat down to talk. I thanked Howard for how he handled things. He was just what I needed to defuse the situation. He is never easily frazzled and jumps right into my troubles with me. I am so blessed to have him.

As we talked, he asked what I was doing prior to the Bolte Oil Spill of 2011. I told him that I was just trying to have things ready so our evening could go smoothly because we had so much to do. He smiled. He said, I think God did it. I laughed. "You think God dumped a vat of oil on my head?" He insisted it seemed too random and coincidental. He told me to give it some thought. I had a vat of oil poured over my head there must be some significance there.

I sometimes feel like the harder I try to do things the harder I fail. I think sometimes I work myself into a frenzy trying so hard to make things perfect that I forget to include the Perfect One in my plans. I get wrapped up in myself and what I can do and my to do list and I forget what He is capable of and what might be on HIS to do list for me. I forget that I don't need to run around like a mad woman all the time. I need to rest in Him. I need to let him take the reigns and direct my path and yet as a "do-er" I tend to spin my wheels frantically trying to move forward on my own and in turn I get nowhere. I felt like the entire day I had spent ALL of my time working hard, preparing dinner, cleaning the house and primping myself. ALL of those things were undone in a moment. I felt like the entire day did not matter. I might as well have set on the couch and watched TV all day eating bon bons!

So, I am not sure if the Lord was teaching me a lesson in taking a breath and really enjoying my day and spending the bulk of my days doing things that cannot be undone such as reading, studying, playing with the kids and letting them make the fingerprints instead of frantically erasing them, snuggling with them and having fun, things that really matter or if he anointed me ;), but a lesson was learned and I am eternally grateful that He always gives me perspective and has given me the perfect person to walk this weary land with because Howard blesses me more than words can say.

You love righteousness and hate wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy.
Psalm 45:6-8

Oil of joy...yeah...let's go with that. ;)

Saturday: The Day Between

2011-04-23T15:52:00.003-04:00

We have been trying hard to really teach our kids the meaning of Easter and the magnitude of what Jesus did for us. I want them to understand that while bunnies, candy and Easter eggs are fun, they are surely NOT what Easter is truly about. Friday night I was sitting with Luke and we were talking about the events that happened on Good Friday. I said to him, "Isn't it crazy that Jesus would endure so much pain for us. He suffered so much and he never did one thing wrong. We are the ones who do wrong." an Luke said to me, "It isn't crazy Mom. It is awesome. I am sad that he had to do it but I sure am glad he did." I love that kid. He believes every one of God's words and never doubts. I learn so much from him.

As I sat last night in a quiet house reflecting and reading and worshiping, my heart broke. I sat here in the dark imagining the suffering He endured for our sins. I also found my heart very heavy thinking of Mary. As a mom who has watched as two of her sons died, I could only imagine the pain Mary felt as she watched the events unfold, as she watched the body of her sweet son broken and as she saw his blood poured out when he never deserved a moment of it.

I went to bed with a heavy heart, and today as I continue to try and really do some heart work and really try to accept the amazing gift the Lord gave to us, I can't help but think of what that Saturday must have been like. I can't help but think of how the disciples felt or how Mary must have felt. I can only imagine the mourning that must have taken place and the extent of their grief. I wonder about the anguish and guilt the disciples, especially Peter must have felt that they stood by helplessly and denied even knowing Jesus. Now he was gone.

I remember the eerie stillness and quietness of the days after Isaac and Asher's deaths and I wonder if that is what it was like. The tomb was sealed, the tears were still fresh and hearts broken. Bewildered and sorrowful, the world would never be the same.

I have said it before, that I struggle with the idea of being still, but Holy Saturday is a day for just that. To be still, and wait. It is a threshold day for sure...a day of waiting. I am reminded that on days like this I am to refocus. So often throughout life's twists and turns I have worried, become anxious and stressed. On these threshold days, where grief grips the heart, we are called to turn to the One who goes to those dark places with us and sits with us, the places so empty that no one and nothing else can reach. He goes in to those places with us so that He can bring us out.

As I sit and really grasp the magnitude of Jesus' death and suffering, I find myself bewildered that I continually fail to trust in Him. My worry, my stress, my anxiety, all of those are failures in trust. He never promises that the road will be paved and smooth. Sometimes it is gnarly and treacherous, but He does go before us. He paid the ultimate price. What else do we need to be able to fully trust Him? What more could he have done? Has he not done enough? We cannot accept the resurrection until we fully grasp the death. He died for us. He was blameless and perfect. He was whipped, beaten, and hung to die for OUR sins, not his own. How much more does he have to do to prove His UNFAILING love for us? He has earned our trust and yet we fail to trust again and again. I am guilty.

I am coming to learn that we cannot fully accept our gift of salvation if we are walking through life with a clenched fist...we cannot accept the gifts of love he has to offer unless we are willing to open the hand and receive. I tend to want to look back on the pain of the past and use those experiences to show that I cannot trust, but if I am being honest, even in those dark and sad places, He was there...He held me and He carried me. He died for me. I am working hard to change that habit and instead look back at all of the gifts of love he has bestowed upon me. I am uncurling my fingers, one at a time and learning to accept each and every gift, and look for the beauty and give thanks.

Cure for Frustration

2011-04-20T11:39:00.004-04:00

I have been reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Gifts for the past several weeks. It has taken me quite a while to get through the whole book because I had to stop and digest several times, but I cannot tell you how this book has changed me.

You would think that living through what I have lived through, that I would be grateful for each and every moment. That I would breathe it all in and live in the moment, but I don't. I have always struggled with that. Despite the fact that I know that we are never promised a tomorrow, I am ashamed to admit I fall into the trap of taking things for granted and always living with hopes for the future instead of choosing joy and gratitude n the moment I have been given already.

As I have been reading and digesting I have been really taking Ann's words to heart. I have taken time and prayed and written in my journal and begun my list of One Thousand Gifts. I have always been a person who felt unrest. At some level, even in a peaceful moment I have felt some form of unrest. I tried hard to be grateful and choose joy in everything but I was missing something. I feel like Ann's words and experience have helped me to put it all together and connect the dots.

One of the most powerful things I learned from this book is to give thanks aloud even when it seems there cannot be a single thing to be thankful for. There is. It is always there, we just have to be looking for the gift and not the negative. For example:

The other night, Howard was about an hour late getting home from work. I was making dinner for our family and another family who's daughter had just had surgery. Hope and Ben were sitting in the living room watching a DVD and suddenly Ben was crying. I had my hands in bread dough so I was washing my hands when I heard Hope hit the floor, hard. Hope was crying, Ben was crying and I had no clue what was going on. Then I noticed little wet footprints all down the dark wood floor leading to the bathroom. As I got closer to the trail and Hope who was still lying on the floor I noticed that Hope was lying in a puddle. I scooped her up and as I inspected further, I noticed that Ben must have been so into the DVD that he did not take the time to go to the bathroom so he sat right there in the bean bag chair and peed. He then tried to take care of things himself and got to the bathroom where he peed again and got his clothes off. There was a trail of pee from the living room to the bathroom, Hope was soaked in her brothers urine, and Ben was crying in the bathroom.

If you know me, you know messes are something that I don't deal well with. I took a deep breath and started bath water for both kids. No sooner did I get the bath started and I heard Luke come in. Before I could warn him about what was going on he too fell prey to the urine river that was running through the house. So now I have three urine soaked kids, a mess all over the floor and the bean bag and bath water running. I get two kids into the tub and ask Luke to jump in the shower in my bedroom and put his clothes in the basket in the hall. As I washed Hope and got her out of the tub, I realized I had forgotten dinner. I realized, because the smoke detectors were blaring wildly. Tears began to fall. Mine. I was overwhelmed and screaming inside because Howard was SUPPOSED to be home. Frustration and anger began to take over and I felt the urge to yell.

I stood in the hallway, holding Hope, took a deep breath and was determined to find a way to give thanks even though not ONE thing was coming to mind. Luke had just gotten out of the shower and I was standing there, in the pee soaked hall with the smoke detectors blaring. He looked at me wide eyed as I stood there and through my tears said, "Thank you Lord, that Ben is able to pee." I am pretty sure Luke was ready to call the loony bin to come and haul me away. (Ben has had urinary tract issues. We have had trouble in this area and he has endured 4 surgeries and is finally just fine in the urinary area.)

Now, it may seems silly and insignificant, but I swear to you as soon as those words left my lips peace came over me. I honestly felt joy. Joy comes through gratitude. When we accept the good gifts our Father gives us with a grateful heart, joy follows. EVEN when we give thanks for pee. ;)

This has been life altering for me. I often find myself overwhelmed and frustrated. When this happens I get irritable and I tend to get snippy and short with those I love. I don't want to be this way. I want to speak with love. I want to carefully consider the words that come out of my mouth because they are affecting these little people more than I realize. I want to be better. I want to practice gratitude in all things. I want to know joy and live life to the fullest in this very moment, not always looking forward to the moments to come. My kids deserve for me to be present with them NOW and so does Howard. They deserve all of me not just my left overs.

I have honestly found as silly as it feels that when I give thanks aloud when I am feeling the frustration coming, it is like a release valve. I admit, it is still hard. It is hard to take a breath and CHOOSE gratitude because man it seems so much easier to just allow frustration to take over and slam pans and cupboard doors, but it really doesn't do anyone any good, nor does it please the Lord. I am a slow learner, but I truly am finding joy more often than not and living in the moment and enjoying ALL of the gifts the Lord has given me today...look around they are EVERYWHERE once you are paying attention.

I cannot recommend her book or her blog enough. She truly is one of the most honest and beautiful writers I have read. She is a fresh drink of water and just the perspective I have been needing.

Too Busy To Blog

2011-04-13T12:38:00.002-04:00

We are preparing for Easter and that means Peggy Gray's Candies, bunnies, and Bible stories.

That IS a jawbreaker in Luke's hand.

We've been worshiping at church and being Spiderman.

We've been experimenting with hair products and just plain being cute.

And we have really been taking the time to slow down and just enjoy these amazing kids. We are so very blessed and want to live a life of gratitude. Things are hard, but we are amazingly blessed and very grateful. To God be the glory! He provides all we need and blesses our faithfulness.

Fun Night Out for Grandma and Papa's 40th Anniversary

2011-04-06T12:57:00.002-04:00

Silly boy! It is so hard to get a serious picture of this awesome kid!

They melt my heart!

Enjoying his dinner!

The kids with Grandma and Papa. (No those are not gang signs...Luke thinks he is Spiderman.)

This little boy is like a giant ray of sunshine in the lives of everyone he knows. We really are a blessed family and I cannot help but look at these people we love and praise the One who gave them to us. My cup runneth over.

Sassy Much?

2011-04-04T09:42:00.005-04:00

I cannot believe that my baby girl is almost two. She challenges me more than I would like to admit and blesses me even more. She LOVES to pick out her own clothes and accessories and LOVES getting her hair done each day. She is the epitome of girly girl and while I never imagined myself the mama of a girly girl, I sure do love it! Praising God for each moment he grants me with these precious kids. I am over the moon grateful that I get to be their mom.

Crazy Cuteness

2011-03-28T11:07:00.007-04:00

In the midst of all the craziness of life, I have neglected to share the insane amount of cuteness happening in our home. These kids bless us beyond belief. Each day I wake up and am overwhelmed with gratitude that the Lord has trusted us with these sweet gifts. Here is an update on three FANTASTIC kids. (I might be biased)

I am brought to tears to think this precious little girl is almost TWO! She causes my jaw to drop daily. She is speaking sentences and I am finding myself challenged already with taming the sassiness. She loves to give kisses and hugs and nearly loses her mind when she sees a baby. She LOVES babies! She carries a doll around with her pretty much everywhere we go and is a great little mama. It makes my heart melt to walk into her room and see her rocking and singing to her babies. She is obsessed with anything Dora. She loves her purple blanket (which we LOST Friday at a doctor's office and are hoping returns) and is sleeping through the night pretty regularly. She loves her daddy and has him pretty much wrapped around her finger. No one prepared me for the fact that sometimes girls are very particular about their wardrobe EVEN before they turn two! Hope loves all things girly and refuses to wear anything but dresses. Her dad started a nightly tradition where she chooses her own PJs and now she thinks she should ALWAYS get to choose. Needless to say we have got to get some more dresses. She loves bows and shoes and jewelry and purses. Her favorite foods are chicken, apples, and m&m's. I cannot help but look at her and praise God for his goodness. She is our constant reminder that we are NEVER promised tomorrow and we soak in every moment.

Luke can't wait to be 8 (which is about how many teeth he has left in his mouth)! He is doing awesome in first grade and is reading levels above where he is expected to be. He is self motivated and LOVES learning. He devours books and loves to draw. He also loves to play Wii. He is excited for Little League to start next month and has been practicing. We are amazed at the progress he has made simply due to growth and maturity! He loves fruits and veggies! His favorite foods are, fresh spinach, grapefruit, and pizza. He is SO much like his mommy. He likes to follow the rules and loves to have all of his things in their place. He is SO helpful with the littler ones and has a wonderful heart. He helps us teach Sunday school and is really determined to please God. It is so amazing to see him growing and developing into a wonderful young man and I pray he continues to follow the Lord.

Ben is almost FIVE! I cannot even believe it! I blinked and he was a big kid! He is one of the most fun kids I have ever met. His personality shines and his heart is so tender. He loves his baby sister and enjoys playing with her and teaching her everything he knows (when he isn't making her scream). ;) He loves Jake and the Neverland Pirates and anything superhero or dinosaurs. His favorite foods right now are oatmeal, stromboli, and cantaloupe. I am amazed each day by how much he is learning. He LOVES to play board games and would choose that above just about anything else. He is our social butterfly. EVERYwhere we go he makes friends. He has no problem walking right up to other kids and introducing himself and joining in. He is such a joy! He makes me laugh EVERY day. You just never know what he is going to say! He helps us remember to enjoy life and laugh at ourselves.

Speaking of laughing...these kids are such a riot! We are SO incredibly blessed!

Bottoms UP! This is one of Hope's favorite positions. Downward dog, tripod, whatever you call it, it is hilarious!

Monkey see...Monkey do! :)

Praising God today for all he has done in this family and all He's yet to do. So thankful for each of those little rumps! Some days I feel like all I do is wipe them, but I sure wouldn't want to do life without them! Thank you Lord for all of your gifts!

Love is a Battlefield

2011-03-25T09:35:00.005-04:00

I sit here, tears streaming down my face at the magnitude of what is going on in our lives. We are at war folks. Spiritual warfare is rearing it's head in our lives and it is more obvious than ever.

Many of you have messaged me recently offering encouragement and advice and I can't tell you how I covet your prayers and kind words. Many of you have expressed concern that all of the obstacles we have been battling have been God's way of telling us to stop. Here is the thing. I am certain that that is not true. I have spent this week committed to resting and remaining quiet before the Lord and hearing what He has to say. I have cried a river of tears and pounded my pillow with my fist more times than I can count, just trying to understand just what He is asking of us.

I can say that I feel like I have more clarity than I have had in quite sometime. I have had several of you message with words of encouragement because you too have fought a similar war. I have been reminded that while yes, sometimes our roadblocks are God saying, STOP! It is also true that sometimes Satan is fighting harder than ever to get us to give in and give up. I know that talk of Satan in our culture is often taboo and makes people uncomfortable and there is a reason for that. Satan is real and he is on the prowl trying to foil any plans to carry out the will of the Lord. God said “put on the full armor of God so that you can stand against the tactics of the devil.” He wasn't kidding. He knew what we would come up against and this is what it takes for us to be victorious. This battle is not ours. It is God's. He will win.

If I am being honest, at the beginning of this week I was ready to give up and give in. I was tired of fighting and just had nothing left, but as I have sought refuge in His mighty arms I have found the will to fight again. And fight we will. Everything has been seeming impossible and insurmountable this week. Satan is at work instilling fear and doubt. He has put up a roadblock and whispered in our ear that we are unfit, unworthy, and ill equipped. He has dug into our lives and found the deepest hurts and fears and pulled them to the surface causing us to doubt. My heart has been sick and my spirit tired.

“So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death” Romans 8:1-2

We have sought council of some wise and Godly friends and they have reminded us that this IS in fact a war. The truth is that we have been extended grace that none of us deserve, we all fail, we all have shortcomings and sin, and we have all been made white as snow again. We may come from a broken past and have made mistakes, but that does NOT define who we are or what our future will be. Because of Christ's love for us we are free. Free from the bondage of sin and Satan will try to chain us down again and again and tell us lies, but the God we serve is so much bigger and He whispers the truth, that we are loved, we are free and our identity lies in Him. He loves us in spite of who we are not because of it. He has taken the shackles from our hands and though other men may try to pull us down and re-shackle us, He is bigger. There is NO condemnation. We are free to live Godly lives despite the fact that we all struggle with sin.

12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 6:12

Our spiritual battles are of will and of mind. We are not to go into battle without putting on the FULL armor of God. Paul tells us in Ephesians about each of the pieces of His armor that we are to put on BEFORE heading into battle, we are not to go in unequipped. The only way to combat the lies Satan sneaks in is to fill that mind with God's word, this is our sword. I needed this week to immerse myself in His word and fill my weary soul with His goodness and promise. I have been so thirsty for His truth and there is nothing like the quench that it provides. We HAVE been fighting unequipped and I believe God is right now calling us to take time to equip ourselves for this fight.

“Stand your ground, putting on the belt of truth and the body armor of God's righteousness” (Ephesians 6:14)

His TRUTH is our belt and body armor. God is incapable of lying so we can stand firm on his promises because he WILL make good on them. We can rest assured that if He promises it, it will be. The lies we are hearing are not from God. He has blessed us with his perfect truth to help us stand our ground and not be moved.

“For shoes, put on the peace that comes from the Good News so that you will be fully prepared” (Ephesians 6:15).

God intends for those shoes to MOVE we are to move forward in offense and not just sit back and fight defense. We need to be at peace with God and his call for us, trusting that He has GREAT plans for us and that if we are in His will we need not worry. We must have peace to battle in spiritual warfare. That peace comes from the Good News that Jesus died for us and that we are FREE.

“In addition to all of these, hold up the shield of faith to stop the fiery arrows of the devil” (Ephesians 6:16).

We can't head into battle without our shield. We are told here that our shield is our faith. Paul is telling us here to stay alert. Jesus won the battle by what he did on the cross, but Satan is not going to lie down and take it quietly. He is going to do everything he can in opposition. He won't win, but he wants to take down as many people as possible. The devil is angry and he is out to use whatever he can to make us stumble. He uses, fear, anxiety, lust, idolatry, doubt and the list could go on forever. The thing is that we need to stand firm in our faith, knowing that God is who He says He is. He keeps His promises and has great plans for our good.

“Put on salvation as your helmet” Ephesians 6:17

Spiritual warfare takes place in the mind so it only makes sense that Paul warns us to put on a helmet. The helmet of salvation. We are to fix our minds on what Jesus has done for us and the truth in the fact that we are made clean and righteous because of what he has done.“For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline” (2 Timothy 1:7)
We have to know without a doubt that God has our best interest at heart. We have to know that despite whatever we endure, he will never tempt us beyond what we can endure and he has a great plan for us. During spiritual battle the devil loves to tell us that we are not worthy, not children of God, not forgiven of all of our sins, not deeply loved by God, not called to do great things and live out the Gospel and that is what has been happening with us.

Paul also reminds us in Ephesians that when we are at ware we MUST remember to pray. “And pray in the Spirit at all times and on every occasion. Stay alert and be persistent in your prayers for all believers everywhere” (Ephesians 6:18). We are to pray in all things, because it is true that whatever we do WITH God's blessing will succeed. If we feel called to something we must remain in prayer to remain in His will.

I never expected this journey to be one of the biggest fights of our lives, but it is proving to be just that. We are preparing ourselves. We are putting on each and every piece of that armor and praying through each of our days knowing that where He leads us He will help us to succeed. We will press on knowing that he calls us to love others and care for orphans, widows and those in need. We will continue to try to live the Gospel as well as we can. We will fight with everything that we have for those who cannot fight for themselves, because this, in no uncertain terms, is what God IS calling us to do. There are hurting kids out there who need a safe place to be for a time and we long to provide that. We covet your prayers as we continue to seek His will for us and move when He says move.

Tired of the Fight

2011-03-22T21:12:00.004-04:00

My heart has been in a state of constant unrest lately. I find myself worked up about just about everything and anything. I am overwhelmed and worried. We have come up against so much opposition as we continue on our journey and there seems to be a road block at every turn. I cannot count how many times in the past month or so I have sighed and said "I am just tired of fighting." I have literally grown weary. I sometimes feel like life has deflated me like an empty balloon. I go until I have nothing left to give to anyone, let alone God.

I continually sit down with my Bible looking for guidance. It looks a lot like this: I sit, plop the book open in my lap, I begin to read and then pray to God, then a bird chirps outside the window and suddenly my thoughts are on things such as spring, flowers, Easter, gardens and fresh vegetables, laundry blowing in the warm breeze and before I know it I am doing laundry and my Bible time is a thing of the past and I have gotten nowhere.

I committed to reading through the entire Bible this year and I want to absorb and learn and grow, not just plow through. I find my concentration lacking and I am frustrated with myself. Yesterday I sat down once again with that Book, determined to soak in God's word and find some resolve for the unsettled feelings I have and I pretty much got slapped in the face. Like Jesus commanding the seas to calm, my anxious heart was at rest as I read these words:

The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still. Exodus 14:14

Here we go again. If you recall, this is a lesson the Lord has tried many times to teach this stubborn girl and I seem to never learn. He tried here, and here, here and even here and here. Seriously folks, this should not be something new for me and yet it is something I continue to struggle with. I fight and fight until there is nothing left, and that isn't what God wants for me. He wants me to be still and find shelter in His arms to rejuvenate and I am neglecting that part. He tells us to come to Him when we are burdened and weary and he will give us rest, and yet I am continually spinning my wheels and trying to find rest and resolve in all the wrong places. Trying to push forward when the Lord is clearly telling me to wait is a struggle I've had forever.

“God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble. So we will not fear, even if earthquakes come and the mountains crumble into the sea. Let the oceans roar and foam. Let the mountains tremble as the waters surge!” Psalm 46:1-3

I have excuses for everything, I mean how could I possibly find the time to carve out quiet time with the Lord when I have three young children to care for? God will excuse me for not giving Him the time of day right now, in this stage of life, He knows I am a mom and am caring for these little ones, right? He knows I take pride in my home and taking care of the house and meals, shopping and saving money and teaching the kids at church, going through the foster care process. He knows I am trying to do good things so he can excuse me for not taking the time to sit and be in His presence right?

Not so much. The Bible tells us that the God we serve is a jealous God. He wants all of us. It is true that much of what I do in my day is for others but in turn for Him, but that is a cop out. He has to come first. I need to give Him my best, not my leftovers. How on earth am I going to have what I need to give to those three little blessings or my wonderful husband if I don't let God fill me with those things? If I don't take the time to just bask in his glorious presence each and every day, how am I going to be able to serve the people he calls me to serve? How will I know if my actions are aligning with what He wants for me?

So after the Lord set me straight yesterday in my time with Him I read through the rest of Exodus. I may not have as much time as I would like to spend in solitude with the Lord, but I have some and I am not making the most of it or offering Him ALL I have. Much like Jesus was able to take very little food and multiply it to feed the masses, I have to believe God will do the same with the time I offer him. In comparison to God's greatness, what I have to offer is so inadequate, but that is no excuse I need to offer my best and trust he will multiply it enough to nourish me. I need to isolate a bit and focus on the One who's opinion truly matters, and stop searching for affirmation and approval from everyone else.

Howard is reading a book called, The Spiritual Man by Watchman Nee and he claims it is likely the most profound book he will read aside from the Bible. I was flipping through it this morning when I came across this quote:

“One quality which characterizes a spiritual person is the great calm he maintains under every circumstance. Whatever may happen around him or however much he may be provoked, he accepts it all calmly and exhibits an unmovable nature. He is one who is able to regulate his every feeling, because his emotion has been yielded to the cross and his will and spirit are permeated with the power of the Holy Spirit. No extreme provocation has the strength to unsettle him. But if one has not accepted the dealing of the cross upon his emotion, then he will be easily influenced, stimulated, disturbed, and even governed by the external world. He will undergo constant change, for emotion shifts often. The slightest threat from outside or the smallest increase in work shall upset him and render him helpless. Whoever genuinely desires to be perfect must let the cross cut deeper into his emotion.” (P. 429)

I have been anything but calm and serene. I have been running around lately like a chicken with her head cut off, running in circles and not getting anywhere. I am feeling attacked from all sides and I am losing the will to fight. I know I must press on and I want nothing more than to glorify God with all I have. I now know in order to do that, I truly need to take a time out and be still. He is sovereign over all of it. His timing is perfect and my yearning to press on does not negate that fact. His way is higher and I need to submit. So it is my intention to spend this week moving at a slower pace, taking time to breathe and regroup. Spending intentional and focused time with our God and knowing FULL WELL that He is here, He is good and He is MIGHTY TO SAVE. There is no mountain too high for us when he is by our side and though things seem impossible right now, NOTHING is impossible for those who abide in Him. Tonight I will go to bed resting on that truth. He will never let me down. Time to pick up that cross and carry it at a rate that I can sustain. This is a marathon we are running not a sprint. We have to be able to sustain so we don't just fizzle out. I have on the brink of fizzling. I am so thankful we serve a God who is bigger than all of this, who knows our hearts and intentions and extends more grace than we deserve. He loves us in spite of who we are not because of it. That is a love worth fighting for.

Must Read

2011-03-12T22:55:00.002-05:00

I stand in awe of a God who truly can bring beauty from pain. You have GOT to check out Patrice's version of the story. Though God's story isn't easily put into words (I surely fell short) she told it beautifully. You cannot help but be blessed by a story ONLY God could have written. If you EVER doubted there was a God, this story proves it UNDENIABLE. I am brought to my knees with gratitude that he weaved my little family into such a magnificent story, through heartache and pain, there is beauty from the ashes. Here is just a blurb from Patrice's blog tonight...seriously you have GOT to go read the whole thing. :)

"Sometimes, when we think that good could NEVER come from things so awful and we think we'll never come through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, God is working and orchestrating something so beautiful, we could never imagine it in a million years. Did God take our babies so Anton would find his family? I don't think so. Did God allow Jonah and Hope to have EB so Anton could come home? I doubt it. But He is able to do immeasurably more than we could ever imagine to bring hope and joy out of dark places."

Preparing our Home

2011-03-10T16:04:00.005-05:00

As we finish preparing our home for our inspection for foster care, I have really been thankful for CSN stores. They sell everything from LCD TV Stands to cloth diapers and shipping is free on most items. If you haven't checked them out you should! They are amazing and they are a one stop shop for sure. As a thrifty mom, I also have found their prices to be super competitive!

Like I said, our home inspection is coming up, Tuesday to be exact and we would really appreciate your prayers.

And God is able to bless you abundantly, so that in all things at all times, having all that you need, you will abound in every good work. 2 Corinthians 9:8

I cannot tell you how this verse has held true for us today. So much to share...when I get a minute. :)

Hope for Anton

2011-03-07T09:06:00.003-05:00

Somewhere, on the other side of the world a little boy with Epidermolysis Bullosa sits in a hospital, where he has been for over a year. He was born one of a set of twins by a surrogate mother. When the "parents" came to get the children, they abandoned Anton because of his condition and took the healthy sibling. He has been cared for in the hospital the best they can care for him but he will soon be moving to an orphanage. There IS a forever family out there that wants to adopt him and bring him home as soon as possible.

Would you consider helping to bring Anton home? Please visit this blog and see how you can help. I would love if you would join me in praying for Anton and for his forever family as they go through the process in adopting him.

Lets join in as His hands and feet and follow His example!

Breathing Down My Neck

2011-03-04T13:25:00.003-05:00

A few months ago, Howard and I were feeling led to plug in to a church within our own community and serve His people there. We had taken some time away from church after having Hope, mainly because the church we attended, though we loved, was about a half an hour drive away and with three kids it was becoming a real struggle. We also felt like though we made GREAT relationships there and felt loved, we were not building community around us that allowed us to "do life" with people on a daily basis because the distance was an obstacle. Our eyes were opened to the needs in our own community and our hearts were broken by the poverty we were seeing, both financial and spiritual. So, we decided to plug in to a local church, actually the church I grew up in. We knew it was not necessarily going to be a church that felt like a complete fit for us, but we felt like God was asking us to step outside our comfort zone. We talked about it and decided to commit to going for one year.

I can tell you that though we would much prefer a more contemporary type of service, changing our minds from the idea that we were going to church to be served to going to church to serve others has really made a difference for us. We are feeling loved and a part of a church family that is right in our back yard. Howard and I still work on doing church for ourselves at home, we worship, read and learn together, and on Sunday mornings we do Children's Church with the kids of our church. It has been an enormous blessing to us, it is so refreshing to watch little children worship God. It has helped remind us that Christ calls us to make ourselves like those little children and not worry about what those around us think.

When we started this endeavor, Howard reminded me that in the past when we really try to live completely for the Lord and deny ourselves, we have been attacked from all sides. Whenever we do the work of trying to further the Kingdom of God we really struggle with the stuff of life. WOW, has he been right.

The past few weeks I have literally been feeling Satan breathing down my neck. Our family has dealt with SO much sickness since November that it blows my mind. Our basement keeps flooding, financial issues arise, marital squabbles and relationship issues surface, and we find ourselves hands raised, asking what on earth He is doing.

I can tell you that especially since we began the foster care process things have become even more difficult, with each class we have taken we have encountered, sickness, babysitter issues, and conflicts of time. As we move forward with paperwork and preparations, money becomes scarce, people question our motives, and doubt sneaks in.

More often than I can count I have wanted to give up. More often than I can count I have wanted to just forget the whole thing and retreat back into safe family life where we aren't taking risks and putting ourselves out there. Each time I feel completely defeated and exhausted I find myself making excuses, God gently (and sometimes not so gently) nudges me back on the straight and narrow reminding me that he is not concerned with my comfort. So often, my human nature wants to take over and play it safe. I find myself counting the cost when Jesus clearly tells us not to. As I see all of these things happening I FEEL Satan breathing down my neck. He is watching.

We as a culture typically shy away from talking openly about the reality of Satan and Hell, but my friends, he is alive and as sneaky as ever. Those doubts that keep sneaking in...it is him...those excuses, him...he is trying hard to get us to quit. He plays on our insecurities and sneaks in when we least expect it. Often times I have wanted to tell Howard that it just shouldn't be so hard and that if we are truly in God's will it should be easier, but I KNOW what he will tell me, that is a lie straight from Satan himself. He sees the trials and obstacles as Satan and he considers it a compliment that Satan is threatened by us. I am learning from Howard as he rejoices in the hardships, knowing full well that it is because we are pushing forward that Satan is paying attention and pushing back.

As we push through each obstacle, the blessing just beyond are unimaginable...we can't help but laugh. Fifty dollars short of being able to file paperwork? Push through...well, what do you know, fifty dollars in the mailbox. I am not even kidding...every step of the way He continues to affirm and provide. It would be easy to give up and let Satan have his way. He is subtle but sneaky. Each day, as I face what must be done, I have to make a choice to choose joy and choose the path of God. Sometimes, it is a minute by minute choice and one I have to return to many times a day. I must command Satan to back off and allow the Lord to take the reigns. The cost is great, to serve the Lord with all we have. We are called to DENY ourselves, to take up our cross and follow Him. We can't serve two Gods, and the one true God demands our everything. We need to let go of all of the things culture tells us are important and cling to the Word of God, because it is only there that we will find truth.

Jesus turned and said to Peter, "Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the things of God, but the things of men."

Satan is here...he is trying to cause us to stumble, but God is bigger, and we choose Him. Obedience is all or nothing...you can't pick and choose...we desperately want to obey.

Why Would You Do That?

2011-02-23T08:48:00.001-05:00

I recently shared our desire to be foster parents with a close family member, to which her response was, "Kristy, Why would you do that? You have three kids of your own to raise. That is hard enough." It made me think...she is not the first person who responded that way, we have gotten that response several times. Each time it causes me to pause and catch my breath. With all of the grief resurfacing with Asher's birthday I have really thought hard about my answer to that question. Here is what I came up with.

Howard and I are determined to take God at His Word. He TELLS us to care for the orphan. While that may not mean EVERYONE should take in orphans, it does mean we should ALL be doing our part to care for them, no exceptions. God's children are not burdens. They are gifts. Each of them. EVERY.SINGLE.CHILD, in the system and out is a gift. ALL OF THEM, no exclusions. How do YOU think God would have us care for His gifts? I am certain he would have us take them in and love them like our own. EVEN and especially when much is at stake and it is inconvenient.

We have a small home. The foster children will have to share rooms with our own children, and we have chosen for that reason to take only children under Luke's age for now. Only small children because, our children are also gifts and we don't want to put them in harm's way nor do we think it is appropriate to ask a teen to share a room with a four year old. We do have limitations and we are looking out for the best interests of everyone involved. We have chosen an agency that we feel very confident in and we are nearing the end of the process and can't wait to have more kids in our tiny home.

Another comment I keep getting is "You guys have already been through so much, maybe it is time to just rest and take it easy." My response is, "I don't think so." I don't think God calls us to sit and bask in our own comfort. He asks us to step outside of our box and live our lives in a way that honors him. We have been through much. God has prepared our hearts for this very moment. He has. I have no doubt that having children come and go will hurt. I have no doubt that it will stretch us to our very limits. In my experience, when we are stretched that far, we have no choice but to lean hard on God, and that is when blessings abound. God has given us five children and taken two away. We know all too well the pain of losing a child. That is not to say that it ever gets easier. Our hearts will break. I can only assume losing a child you have loved even when they are not your own flesh and blood will sting. We do know and stand firm in the fact that God has been good to us. He has picked up the shattered pieces and put them back together one chard at a time.

I know that sometimes we will have to give up a child who will be going back to a home that is less than ideal. I know it is going to be hard. I also know that no matter who you are, if you are a mother who's child has been taken, by death, by a social worker, or a stranger, your heart has to break. While it will be hard to let little ones go back to their homes, I have to take comfort in the fact that when a child is able to return to his or her mama, that is one less mama's heart that is broken from loss. Sometimes, that situation won't be good, and God will still be in control. We live in a broken world where awful things happen, our system is full of children who are living that reality in a way we cannot even imagine, God calls us to love them, not to ask the cost. The cost is high, but these kids our the future.

Why would we do this? Because we trust in the One who tells us to. Because we have seen first hand the gift that comes in each and every child. Because we know that there is beauty and blessing in pain and letting go, and simply because He commands us to. Obedience is not something we can do half way...either we obey or we don't. God is calling and we are up for the challenge.

Only our Lord could write a story where a grieving dad sits up for hours the night before his dead son's third birthday pouring over bunk bed plans so that the can, on his son's birthday begin to build the beds that will hold "the least of these". A dad who wants more than anything to honor his son and obey his Father. This family will spend this day, Asher's third birthday cleaning and preparing our home for His gifts that will bless our family as much as we hope to bless theirs. We have big hopes, big dreams and big plans, and his Word tells us that whatever we do, if it is His will, we will succeed and we know he is calling us to this. We know it will be hard, we know our hearts will break and we KNOW that he is ABLE!

Three Years

2011-02-22T09:22:00.004-05:00

Dear Sweet Asher,

While you were growing in my belly, we nicknamed you "Happy", I cannot think of a more fitting name. You have taught us so much, not just about happiness, but about joy. Joy isn't circumstantial, and you brought both happiness and joy. From the moment we knew you existed we loved you fiercely and we will never stop. Our time with you was some of the most sacred time I have spent. You have taught me to make the most of the time we are given, to love deeper and take risks. You have taught me that in the midst of the most unimaginable pain, beauty lies. You have taught me that God really IS capable of picking up the most shattered of pieces and gently and slowly piecing them back together into something useful.

Because of you, my life is changed. I thank our Lord each and every day that he blessed me with the gift of you, no matter how briefly. Like each of your brothers and sister, you have blessed me beyond measure and have helped to mold me into the person He wants me to be. You have strengthened my desire to live in a way that pleases God, to take the narrow road, so that one day I will kiss your sweet face again.

I can't lie, today, my boy, my heart is once again shattered into a bajillion pieces. The sting of death is so real to me as I wonder if you would have chosen dinosaurs, monster trucks or something completely different for your cake. Would you have the same fiery personality as your ginger haired siblings? I bet you and Ben would be the best of friends. He misses you, but looks forward to your birthday each year because we do something special as a family and he has only happy memories of your time with us. Luke has a sensitive heart and will often times out of the blue feel your absence so much that it brings tears. He loves you so much and talks about you often, and Hope, we are teaching her about you. She sees your picture in the living room and says "Baby Asher?". She loves babies. I know you would be her biggest protector.

Your daddy misses you something fierce. He is strong and holds it together most of the time for us, but you can see in his eyes how he longs to hold you again. Somehow I thought three years out, the pain would be much less intense and somehow today I can barely catch my breath. It took everything I had in me to set my feet on the cold floor this morning. I miss you so much it physically hurts sometimes. But I have also learned that grief ebbs and flows, it hurts so much, but we only grieve because we loved. You taught me so much about love, Asher, so much. Because of you, I have known a love that most never will and I have learned to praise God even when his plan hurts so much you don't think you will survive.

He tells us "blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" and this is so true. While we ache for you we also take GREAT comfort in knowing you are right where you were meant to be. You accomplished SO much on this earth in your short time with us and we are beyond proud to be your parents. You get to worship at the feet of our Lord for all of your days, you will never know the pain we feel, and that comforts my mommy's heart. You have changed us and we will never be the same, and honestly I wouldn't want it any other way. I would do it all again in a minute, even through the pain, because amidst this intense pain there is beauty, joy and happiness. Our God weaves all of that together to make beauty from the most difficult of circumstances, and I am grateful.

I am grateful for you sweet boy, grateful I get to know the privilege of being your mama. I will love you and grieve for you fiercely for all my days, and my life is richer because of that. You will never know what you mean to this family. Today, on your third birthday, my son, you are dancing at the feet of Jesus, and I can't think of a better place to be. One day, we will be together again, one day, and until that day comes we will continue to keep on keepin' on through the valleys and on the mountaintops. We will praise Him for all of it, because it is in the deepest of valleys that we sometimes find the greatest of gifts.

I love you more than words could ever express.

Forever yours,
Mommy

I will cherish February 22, 2008 in my heart forever. Click HERE for a glimpse of that sacred day.

2011-02-21T09:59:00.000-05:00

Three years ago today....we were here...Lord, may I never forget the mountain peaks along with the deep valleys...I pray that I can do justice to the incredible gift you have blessed us with..."Blessed are those who mourn, for they WILL be comforted."

Monday, February 25, 2008
Plunged into the Valley
I want to be able to write that I am at peace today. I want to say that I submit and accept God's good plan for my life. I want to affirm that my suffering will lead to giving God the glory he deserves.

I want to be able to do all of those things, but today, I cannot. This morning as I woke up I realized that my body was incredibly broken. My abdomen throbbing in pain from having Asher taken from me. As what seems like a cruel reminder of what could have been, my milk has come in and is causing incredible discomfort. With Isaac since I had already been pumping for him, I continued to do so and donated the milk to a Milk Bank for babies who needed it and allowed my body to gradually adjust to the change. I cannot bring myself to do that this time as I did not even have the opportunity to offer it to my own son.

Benjamin is unbearably clingy and just wants to be held and loved, yet I cannot lift him for an entire month. I am desperate to do something normal yet my physical discomfort prevents me from my daily "psycho cleaning" therapy. It all seems so cruel to me today.

Last night it dawned on Luke that Asher did not come home. He had some questions and we answered honestly and openly. He was wonderful. He cried yet understood at a level I never imagined. As a true child his first question was, "Well, what about those toys people got for Asher, he can't have them. Who should have those?" He had his eye on this little lamb that played "Jesus Loves Me." I told him I thought Asher would want him to have that one to keep in his room if he wanted it. He said he would ask him when he prayed that night. :-) That made me smile.

This morning as I was crying, Luke came to me and asked if I was missing Asher. I told him I was. He continued to comfort me and bring me a tissue. He said, "Well, Mom it is okay to miss him, but you know he is still with us in our hearts." What wisdom coming from a four year old. It did my heart good to see how much Luke truly understood.

It seems so strange to me that as I sit here, my world seemingly paused in grief that the rest of the world is going on as usual without Asher. It is as though I feel that the entire world should stop turning because mine has. I should be sitting here exhausted from being up all night nursing my son and insted I sit here exhausted from grief and physical pain.

We have gotten many messages of love and support and yet no words comfort me. I don't want to be told how strong I am or that I have "an angel". I know that Asher is with God, not an angel, but with God and I am so thankful that if I cannot be with my him, God is and I know that He is the only one who could love him the way I do.

It is weird, I do feel angry but not really with God. I don't believe this is from God. I believe that these circumstances and this suffering is just a consequence of living in a fallen world. There is suffering all around us. Defective genes are a product of living in a fallen world. That said, I also believe that God did choose us to be Asher's parents. I believe he was an amazing gift and he truly did bring "Happyness" to everyone. I miss him though, I miss being pregnant with him and feeling him move. He brought so much love to this earth and I just long to snuggle him one last time.

So, we are okay and we know God will hold on to us through all of this but we also need to grieve and grieving is exhausting hard work. That is where we are at right now. We are deep in a valley, but we know that God promises we won't be here forever. Though we will always miss our sons in Heaven, a day will come when I don't cry the larger part of the day, but that day is not today and likely won't be tomorrow.

Three Years Ago Today

2011-02-20T08:23:00.002-05:00

I am struggling a lot today. When everything happened on Monday it was almost as though I slipped into autopilot. I just nodded my head and let everyone poke and prod without much emotion or expression. I could feel myself zoning out but it was almost like a coping mechanism. The world was going much faster than my mind could process and so I basically shut down. I can remember this happening when Isaac was born also.

Today I am trying to take the time and process all of what is happening. Sometimes it all seems so surreal. Almost like I am just a bystander in my own life, watching from the bleachers. I am feeling so confused and frustrated right now. It seems that many times when I pray, God answers with the opposite answer. It was tough enough knowing that our baby was going to have such significant health issues, but now prematurity on top of that. My due date is not until April 6th so I was assuming he would likely come mid March but I never anticipated February. I feel cheated out of time. I remember with my c section with Isaac, feeling that he had literally been RIPPED away from me unexpectedly and I am feeling that same feeling now. I am not ready for this. But I guess God has a different idea.

I know that God's timing is perfect and I am praying that he continues to keep his mighty hand on all of this but I cannot help but question him. All of this said, my biggest prayer today is that God will give me the wisdom and courage not to waste all of what I have been given. I do still have a few days left to carry this precious boy and am very excited to meet him. I want to make the most of my time with him and not waste it being angry. This is something I am going to need God's help with though! Because I am angry and hurt and confused. I want to celebrate Happy's life and use these remaining days to prepare and enjoy being pregnant with him for just a little while longer. I mean, I don't even know if I will EVER be pregnant again...which is so hard to imagine.

I also am praying for Luke and Ben today. We have not told Luke yet about any of this. We felt we did not have enough solid information to tell him ahead of time and we didn't want to scare him. He is so looking forward to bringing his new baby brother home. He is preparing his room so that Ben can move in with him and everything. I am praying that God will give us the words and the widsom to explain all of this to Luke in a way that he can begin to understand and not be scared. He still speaks of Isaac with such love, yet will still cry at times because he wants his brother here with him. It is heartbreaking!

So my prayers today are for wisdom...wisdom not to waste even a moment of this experience with bitterness, wisdom to prepare our boys.

This was my blog post from February 20th 2008. My heart aches just reading the words back. Such a time of raw emotion. Praying for mercy today as we remember our boy. Howard is sick so the plans we had made for the next couple days to celebrate our baby are on hold.

Inconsequential

2011-02-17T08:33:00.003-05:00

I got online today to blog about our recent experience with Satan. Yep, he is a sly dog and he is at work...we have been attacked from all sides lately and I find myself growing weary. As Asher's THIRD birthday approaches, I find myself looking back at my blog from this time three years ago. Three years ago today, this was my post:

Tomorrow is our first of our weekly crazy doctor appointments. Tomorrow at 12:30 I will be having a non stress test to be sure that the baby is still doing well. I will be hooked up to heart rate and contraction monitors and they will monitor the baby's well being. I then will be having a sonogram to determine the baby's position to help us decide how to go forward with birth and they will also be taking measurements in this sonogram to determine if there has been any growth or change. Then we will be meeting with the doctor to discuss all of this.

Please pray that the baby is doing and continues to do well in the womb as we would like him to stay put for a few more weeks.

We are still not giving up on him, so please continue praying for growth and brain development as well as growth and development as a whole.

Please pray that God will give us wisdom in knowing what decisions to make about method of delivery.

Benjamin is again going through a really clingy time since he has been left with others lately. Please pray that he and Luke adjust well to this new weekly doctor appointment and spending time with family and friends who also love them.

Please continue to pray that happy stays put for a few more weeks, we do not need to deal with prematurity on top of any other health issues he may have.

Please pray for us to have peace as we continue on this journey.

Thank you all so much for your continued prayer and support. It is great to know we have so many people petitioning God on our behalf! We know our prayers will be answered!

Interestingly, putting things into perspective, all of my whines and moans and prayer requests for today seem so inconsequential, compared to the magnitude of what was going on in our family three years ago. My heart aches so much today for that sweet boy. I would do just about anything to hold him in my arms just once more. To kiss him on his sweet forehead and tell him just how much I love him and just how much I look forward to the day that all of this is made right.

February 17th 2008 was the beginning of the end for Asher, his health steadily declined from the stress test performed that day, until he had to be born on the 22nd. It was a time of such inexplicable peace through the pain. I am so thankful that the Lord granted us 35 minutes with that miracle boy...no, it will never be enough, but it will always be with me.

Each year we typically go to a hotel and stay overnight and just relax as a family for Asher's birthday, and though we would love to do that again, we feel called to use the money we had set aside for that to buy a set of bunk beds for whatever foster kids come into our home in the coming months and years. I struggle with how to celebrate him each year, but I do think our taking Jesus at His word, and stepping out in faith to take in "the least of these" would make him smile. He can't be here with us, but surely there is a little one out there that needs our home.

Something I LOVE

2011-02-15T21:39:00.001-05:00

Meet the Heart 4 Heart dolls.

What if you could change the world just by buying a doll? You can, with Hearts For Hearts Girls dolls! Each doll is a girl that wants to make a difference in her life and community. There are six beautiful dolls to choose from: Dell (USA), Lilian (Belarus), Rahel (Ethiopia), Nahji (India), Tipi (Laos), and Consuelo (Mexico).When you buy a Hearts For Hearts Girls doll, a portion of the purchase price is donated to children's causes in those countries through World Vision, a global humanitarian organization. Each dolls stands 14" high and comes with a hair comb, a girl-sized heart charm bracelet, and a mini storybook about her life. Quality details such as ethnic jewelry, cultural yet current outfits, and fully rooted hair make these dolls that any girl will treasure. In addition, Hearts For Hearts Girls also offers a fun, child-safe website full of stories, games, and activities. Change the world one heart at a time, with Hearts For Hearts Girls!

Okay...I know that the rage is the American Girl Doll and I know girls LOVE those dolls. Personally I will never be able to bring myself to spend that kind of money on a doll for Hope. Not saying they are bad, just not our thing. THESE dolls however I am in love with. They are GORGEOUS and each one comes with a story that teaches girls about culture, and details how each character wants to change the world. They are less than a quarter of the price of the American Girl dolls and they are awesome quality. I love that a portion of the proceeds benefit the kids of these countries through World Vision.

Maybe consider one of these for a girl in your life? They can be purchased at Target and I have seen them on Amazon.

Happy Love Day!

2011-02-13T20:56:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to my Mom

2011-02-12T13:39:00.003-05:00

February is always such a tough month on my heart. It is the month that marks my mother's birthday and Asher's. I have for so long carried so much anger toward my mom, and I can honestly say that I think that healing is happening. As God works on my heart he sometimes painfully forces these things to the surface and forces me to deal with them.

This month I had to write an "autobiography" for our Foster Care Agency. I put it off until the last possible moment. While I have NO trouble elaborating about my sweet Isaac and Asher, when it comes to my mom, it is a wound I prefer to leave bandaged. It isn't always a part of my life I feel comfortable sharing and it downright hurts.

As I look back on this past year, though her absence still stings with each milestone and hardship, I still long to be able to call my mom for reinforcement when I am spent or to just cry with her or have lunch with her, but I am able to see a lot more. Through my writing of my mother and her suicide on this blog, I have had a few women this year write me and thank me for sharing so openly. They too were struggling with the feelings my own mother must have had and after reading through the experience from my perspective they were able to make different choices because of the LOVE they have for their own kids. I have also connected with other women who have similar hurts. The thing is...it hurts, deep into the core of my soul it hurts, but the Lord has brought purpose to this suffering too.

So, while I do wish things could have been different and I long to have a mom of my own, I also have been able to find gratitude and joy where I am. The Lord is capable of redeeming all of our hurts. One day it will all be made right. Oh how I long for that day.

Obedience

2011-02-08T11:10:00.003-05:00

I have had a lot on my heart lately. I have hidden much from this blog and it just isn't my style. Typically, I am an open book and lately, as the Lord continues to work on refine me I find myself seeking seclusion and safety. He is working nonetheless.

For a long time my heart has ached. Ached for certain someones who are not physically in this house but take up a special room in my heart. For a long time I assumed that this aching was for my boys. My arms have literally throbbed in aching longing for those sweet boys and with Asher's birthday approaching, his absence is very real. As I have isolated and spent time with the Lord, He has shown me much. If I am being honest, I will say this has been a painful season of my life as the Lord has so clearly shown me areas of my life that I have been holding back.

He has shown me that when I chose to give my life to Him, He wasn't just asking for my extras. He demands more than my free time, my extra money (whatever that is), and a piece of my heart. He demands it all. He holds me accountable for EVERY moment, EVERY penny, and every dark secret in my heart. EVERY.ONE. As I have done some examining it has become all to clear what things I have been witholding. I have followed and obeyed, but if the cost seemed to high, I have copped out saying that it wasn't what God was calling me to do.

I think this is a lie that we often believe as followers of Christ. You know, the one where we believe that if God is TRULY calling us to do something, that it will be easy, that we will have a warm fuzzy feeling and affirmation that we are following Him. I am not sure I believe that exists. I believe that we are ALL called to follow Him in RADICAL obdeience. We are asked not to count the cost. Sometimes I think because I am trying so hard to get us out of debt, all I do is count the cost.

As I have spent more time in prayer and quiet time with God, I have found that he has opened my eyes to a few things. This aching I feel in my heart, is actually not for Isaac or Asher. I miss them, I do ache for them at times for sure, but I know they are happy and in the arms of their Heavenly Father. I know that they are where we all ultimately want our children to be. I do not have to worry about them. As I have gone deeper I have realized my aching is for OTHER children who belong in this home who are not here.

That said, one night Howard and I were talking...he was talking about how we have always said we would ONE DAY do foster care, but now was not the appropriate season of our lives. As we examined the decision to wait for a more "appropriate time" we looked at each of the reasons we were waiting. They were all about us. Every.single.one. was about our comfort and fears. Our home is too small, our bank account too small, we don't want to be tied down, we don't want to take away from our three sweet kids...and as we listed them we realized how selfish we in fact our and we know our God is bigger than all of that...SO we took the leap. God calls us to care for the orphan! He tells us that whatever we do to "the least of these" we also do to Him. We have finished our foster care classes which were NOT easy. We left Hope with a sitter for the first time which broke her heart and mine. We have our paperwork done and are waiting on CPR certification and First Aid...then we will have our home inspection and our home will be prepared for whoever the Lord has for us.

Satan has attacked on EVERY corner...babysitters have cancelled, sickness looms, money has been tight and as we force ourselves to push through each obstacle we have found His blessings on the other side. I have no doubt that this is going to be a difficult and often heartbreaking journey, but I also am confident that it will be laced with joy and blessings. I am white knuckling through it all knowing that I cannot allow myself to lose momentum. It is going to be an adjustment for all of us and I know as children come and go, our hearts will shatter, we have lived that reality before and we know all too well that the Lord can piece back together with beauty even the most broken of hearts. Beauty from ashes...only our Lord.

Snow Day

2011-02-03T08:30:00.002-05:00

BIG Kiss!

Watching from the WARM house.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

How DID he get so big?

Yesterday was a snow day here in NW Pennsylvania. Honestly we don't get many. We have adapted and can function quite well even in the midst of blizzards and several feet of snow. Yesterday's issue was ICE. After several hours of freezing rain everything was covered in ice. The boys had fun walking "on top of" the snow and slipping and sliding everywhere. Because Howard is a teacher and had a snow day also we got to spend an entire day at home as a family, sledding, watching movies, playing games, drinking cocoa and eating popcorn. It was good. We do laugh sometimes though...while the rest of the world was getting "The monster storm for the record books" and was paralyzed, we were just having a typical winter day. ;) It is all about perspective isn't it?

My Cup Runneth Over

2011-01-20T10:45:00.003-05:00

I have been told a lot lately that Hope looks a lot like I did as a baby and while I don't have much from my childhood, I did have a couple of Cabbage Patch dolls and one of them was wearing this dress that was mine as a baby. My heart leaps for joy.

Can you believe she is NINETEEN months old? I can't. She is so amazing. She is still just over 18 pounds but is a feisty one! She is smart as a whip and is already speaking sentences and I can already tell you we are gonna have our hands full with her!

I praise God daily for her and the miracle He has done in her...AND she is finally OFF Prevacid! She has been on it since she was 6 weeks old and we have taken her off a few times to no avail...she typically quits eating and sleeping both of which are a struggle anyway and she cannot afford to lose weight. Her prescription (that is ridiculously expensive) was getting ready to need a refill and we thought hey, let's try once more and see if she still needs it...well that was two weeks ago and she has been mostly sleeping through the night since (which she was NOT doing before) and is eating like a champ!

Praising Him for the little things as well as the big!

Are You a Sheep, or Are You a Goat?

2011-01-17T20:48:00.006-05:00

I will be honest. I have had it on my heart to write this post for weeks, and yet I have been dragging my feet because it is hard. I have committed to reading through the entire Bible this year and the plan I am on has me reading from the New and Old Testament daily as well as Proverbs and Psalms. I have never been really good at making myself sit down and read the Bible each day but I have to say somehow this plan has me motivated. Anyway, in my daily reading, I am finding myself challenged each day often by things I know I have read before, but it is hitting me differently now.

My heart has been so broken lately. After reading Matthew, there were several verses that hit me like a ton of bricks. My heart is so stirred and my hunger to devour His word has been reignited. That said, my heart is also broken. Broken because many of us live with a false sense of security. We think that if we say the "Sinner's Prayer", and are basically a good person, our ticket to Heaven is guaranteed. This could not be further from the truth. God is very specific in warning us that this is not the case.

It is a hard message to deliver, but I feel this intense sense of urgency to get this message out. Too many of us are living under a false sense of security. We are talking the talk but not walking the walk. God is really pressing these things on my heart, both for MYSELF and for you.

"Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it." Matthew 7:13-14

He is telling us here that there are two gates. A narrow gate, and a wide gate. The narrow gate leads to Heaven, to eternal life and the wide gate leads to destruction. He also tells us that MANY find the wide gate and yet few find the narrow. Kind of unsettling isn't it? I mean, I think that today in Christianity we have created this "Middle Road" because we are "basically" good people, you know, we aren't going around stealing and killing people, BUT we also don't want to submit ourselves to radical obedience like the Lord calls us to, so we kind of take this middle road. We go to church, we tithe what we can, we serve on committees and pray before meals. Surely God will look upon us with favor right? Not so much. There is NO middle road. It is either RADICAL obedience or destruction. He doesn't care if we are "basically good people who go to church". He calls us to obey his command.

"Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them. I tell you the truth, until heaven and earth disappear, not the smallest letter, not the least stroke of a pen, will by any means disappear from the Law until everything is accomplished. Anyone who breaks one of the least of these commandments and teaches others to do the same will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven. For I tell you that unless your righteousness surpasses that of the Pharisees and the teachers of the law, you will certainly not enter the kingdom of heaven" (Matthew 5:17-20).

Here we are being warned again. It does not matter how our lives LOOK on the outside. God has no use for Pharisees. We are called to be righteous, to choose the commandments of God over the Commandments of men. We are called to surrender ALL, not part, but ALL of our lives to Him. ALL of our day. As I sit and reflect on my days, I can say with great certainty that most days I do not live out radical obedience to the Lord. I think mostly about MY comforts and MY wants and My needs and let's be honest, TRUE Biblical Christianity is not about self. In fact it is about the opposite, it is about denying self. It is about giving beyond what makes you comfortable, it is about taking risks. It is about TRULY loving others MORE than you love yourself. I can also tell you that through my time with the Lord and my reading of His Word, I yearn to live my life the way HE wants. I want to wake up daily and die to myself. I want to pick up my cross and follow wherever He leads. I can tell you there are going to be some BIG changes in the Bolte Household in the coming year as we take the focus OFF of ourselves and aim it directly at the ONLY ONE who matters.

“Not everyone who calls out to me, ‘Lord, Lord!’ will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Only those who actually do the will of my Father in heaven will enter. On judgment day many will say to me, ‘Lord, Lord! We prophesied in your name and cast out demons in your name and performed many miracles in your name.’ But I will reply, ‘I never knew you. Get away from me, you who break God’s laws.” Matthew 7: 21-23

What this verse is telling us folks is the cold hard truth. One day, we will all sit before Him and he will separate the sheep (righteous) from the goats (wicked), and the scary thing is that the Bible tells us that many who think they were sheep, will in fact be called out as goats. Choosing Christ is not about a man made "sinner's prayer" it isn't about going to church or tithing your leftovers.

³¹ “When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his glorious throne. ³² All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. ³³ He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, ³⁶ I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’

³⁷ “Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? ³⁹ When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’

⁴⁰ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’

⁴¹ “Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴² For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, ⁴³ I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.’

⁴⁴ “They also will answer, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?’

⁴⁵ “He will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.’

⁴⁶ “Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life.”

If we have TRULY given our hearts over and allowed the Holy Spirit FREE REIGN, we can't help but be different people. We live differently and we act differently. We should WANT to obey his EVERY command and not find excuses for not obeying them. IF in fact our hearts are changed, our own sin should cause us to mourn. It should cause us to repent and make the changes needed to live a righteous life. I am not saying anyone is perfect here and I will be the first to admit that it is easier to type these words about what you should do than to live it out myself. But the day is coming. The Bible warns us that many of us are living with a false sense of security in our salvation, we think we are basically good people who are living a good life. We think the Kingdom of Heaven is ours, and yet He tells us we have to give it all. We have to TURN FROM SIN. We have to CHOOSE to follow Him and not man. It is a narrow road. There is NO middle road, it is RADICAL obedience or disobedience. PERIOD. No in between, and when the day comes, will you be a sheep, or will you be a goat?

Schooled

2011-01-12T14:10:00.004-05:00

Proverbs 22:6 Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.

I first want to start this post, as a former teacher, with a husband who IS a public school teacher by saying that I LOVE the little community school that my kids are able to attend. It is the same little school that Howard and I both went to and I love it there. I volunteer on Wednesdays and am always blessed by being in the building. The teachers are TOP notch and their love for the children is so evident. The worries of political correctness seem not to apply to our little school and my heart leaps as I walk down the hall and hear "God Bless America" sung by little voices either along with a record player (I am tellin' ya...old school) or the teacher's piano accompaniment. Luke has the SAME teacher Howard and I both had and we LOVE LOVE LOVE her.

I LOVE this school. That said, I have a stirring in my heart that I just can't ignore any longer. Each year since we started sending Luke to school (two years) we have prayed on whether to send him to school or school him at home. Last year we even attended a Cyber School open house just to explore our options. We have always held the view that Luke should go to school because he could be a light and maybe be a positive influence on others there. God does in fact call us to be a light to a dark world. I have to say though, that I am feeling convicted that I need to equip him to be a light. He is not ready to be held to that kind of accountability yet. I will go so far as to say that in college I wrote a VERY convincing paper likening homeschooling to child abuse. I digress...it is funny how the Lord works on your heart.

Anyway, I am struggling with the decision of sending Luke to school next year. I have been feeling torn. Luke is in first grade and is reading above a third grade level. The teachers are doing all they can to accommodate him but let's be honest they have two dozen other kids some of whom cannot read at all to worry about. Luke is losing his zest for learning and is getting lazy.

Luke gets off the bus at 4:30 which gives me approximately 3 and a half hours with him in the evening. This year his only REAL homework is typically to read for fifteen minutes which we are cool with because we read to the kids every night before bed anyway so signing his agenda is just a formality. I do know that there is homework to come in the next grade. I spoke with some folks at the school today who confirmed my fear for next year. I am not okay with my child spending 8 hours in school and coming home to another hour of work. He is seven. He needs to play. He needs to run and jump and be with his family. We need family time.

Research shows that homework does not necessarily help a student gain academic success. The teachers I have spoken to have said that a huge reason for their assigning homework is to encourage parents to take an active role in their child's education. I get that. I do that. My issue is that Luke spends eight hours in school with 25ish minutes of gym class per week and 20ish minutes of recess which is held indoors largely through the months of December through March. So they aren't REALLY active. We wonder why students are obese. I digress. I want Luke to have time for play and imagination and family fun. Honestly by the time he gets off the bus at 4:30, we have dinner clean up, have baths and do the bedtime routine, there is really only about an hour of time left over. This year his homework consists of reading aloud for at least fifteen minutes which I am totally on board with and the occasional project that I also enjoy. Next year we are slated for a different course.

I have no intention of shielding Luke from this world which is the reason I assumed all people home schooled (which is why we shouldn't assume). I just really want to make the most of the time I do have with him. We all know that we are not promised tomorrow. I want to squeeze every ounce out of today. I LOVE being with my kids and watching them learn and creating new avenues for them to learn from. I believe that kids learn more from play and experience than anything else.

As a product of public school myself I have to say I think I am pretty well educated. I think the school system was good to me and school was my constant safe place to be. I loved school. Still do. One thing I DO wish is that someone would have said to me, "Kristy, it is okay to do whatever your heart tells you. It is okay to go to college, or not. It is okay to simply desire to raise a family one day" I struggle because I feel called to be home with my kids but am paying on student loans. The closer I have grown to the Lord, the farther I have gone from my desire to have a career and build a life for MYSELF. Life now is not about my own happiness or fulfillment. It is about my family and in turn I am happy and fulfilled. I LOVE being home with my kids and there is NOTHING better than being exactly where you feel God has called you. :)

I know that Howard struggles immensely with being a teacher in a public school. He feels his hands are tied in so many ways. He sees kids who need to know Jesus. Who need to know it doesn't matter how smart they are, how cool they are or how good looking they are. He loves them all. They need to know that it is not important to succeed and make lots of money. It is important to give it all to Him and be His hands and Feet. Howard struggles with feeling that he is doing his students a disservice by not telling them the Truth.

All this to say, I feel that God MIGHT be calling me to step outside my box and let go of my previously very judgemental views of homeschooling and follow Him as I teach and raise my own children. I am scared. This is just ONE facet of my life He is working on and I just want to be obedient. SO, I would GREATLY appreciate prayer on this. I want to do what He would have me do. I want to do what is best for Luke and for our family. If I can school him in a fraction of the time needed in school and spend the rest of the time instilling values, play and learning experiences, what am I so afraid of?

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 And these words, which I command thee this day, shall be in thine heart: And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. And thou shalt bind them for a sign upon thine hand, and they shall be as frontlets between thine eyes. And thou shalt write them upon the posts of thy house, and on thy gates.

Isaiah 54:13 And all thy children shall be taught of the LORD; and great shall be the peace of thy children.

Most of my reasons for dragging my feet on this seem silly. Have any of you struggled with this decision?

Christmas 2010 Fun!

2011-01-09T12:27:00.000-05:00

Christmas Eve PJs were a HIT!

Woody and Buzz

Woody ROCKED it out on his guitar on Christmas morning.

Daddy and Hope feeding the reindeer on Christmas Eve

My favorite four year old feeding the reindeer

Hope (on no pants Friday) watching Nemo

In front of the tree at Church

UGH! BOYS!

Vogue!

My two kings ;)

Motherless Mother

2011-01-07T09:11:00.003-05:00

This week marks 23 years since my mother took her own life. I have spent MORE than twice as long on this earth without her as I did with her. This morning I woke with a heavy heart. It is strange. I was nine years old when she died. I really don't have a lot of memories of her. You know how people say, "Your kids won't remember how clean the house was, but they WILL remember that you played with them?" Yeah, not so true. I remember a clean house. My mom struggled with mental illness for a long time I think. She was a perfectionist. Everyone knew that, they knew she drove herself nuts keeping a clean house, clean/well groomed girls, and did all of the mom and wife things to the extreme. Little did everyone know she REALLY was being driven nuts.

Sometimes it pains me to think that she was so tormented for so long and no one noticed. She was obviously hurting, trying to compensate and in turn losing herself. I really don't remember my mom as a joyful person, rather a stressed person. Sometimes I worry about being JUST like her. I try so hard to make the most of every moment and I want every moment to be picture perfect.

Growing up without her was tough. Every milestone seemed to sting with her absence. High School, College, dating, marriage, kids, loss...all of those stages in my life were laced with sadness that I did NOT have my mother to share any of those things with. I really thought things would improve over time.

Wrong again. Since becoming a mother myself, the loss of my own mom is so tough. As I sit up in the middle of the night rocking a crying baby, I often find myself crying, wishing I had my own mom to call for reinforcement. With every lost tooth, achievement and milestone her absence is felt. On the days when I feel like a complete failure and I am surely messing my kids up for good, and I just need to get out of the house to breathe, she isn't there.

Being a motherless mother has shaped my parenting it has made me realize that no matter how short I fall, my presence matters. I also have to admit though that with that comes a whole different fear. As I approach the age my mom was when she died I find myself fearing dying and leaving my kids motherless...it is honestly a fate I wouldn't wish on anyone.

That said, it is a fear I have been working hard to lay down before the Lord. I have to know that while I want my kids to have my love and support as they grow and experience life, I also have to know that in the grand scheme of things, His presence is what really matters. So while I grieve the loss of my own mom and pray to be a loving presence in the lives of my own kids, I pray even harder that my kids grow up to know HIM as their Heavenly Father. The parent who will never let them down, never leave them and never forsake them. He is the constant. All else is fleeting. I wish I had known Him as a child, but am eternally grateful that I do now. As I sit in the rocking chair crying and rocking my baby in the middle of the night, missing my mom, I am reminded that He is there. He is right there with us, He has blessed us and brought us to where we are. He is ALL we need.

The Bible tells us to love God above all else. Above our children, our mothers, fathers, wives and husbands. The Bible even goes so far as to tell us to hate our mothers, fathers, children etc. And while I don't think this is to be taken literally, since God commands us to LOVE one another, I think what Jesus is saying here is that in comparison to our love for Him, the love we have for our loved ones should look like hate. Our love for God should be SOOOOOOO far above all others that even our love for the ones we love most in this world should look like hate in comparison. That is a strong statement He is making.

“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his father and mother, his wife and children, his brothers and sisters—yes, even his own life—he cannot be my disciple." Luke 14:26

As I think about what Jesus is telling us here and I examine my life, I cannot say that I have been living this way. I do miss my mother and my boys and it is excruciating. But losing Him would wreck me. It is BECAUSE of Him that I am able to keep on keepin' on. It is because of HIS love for me that I desire to share that love with others for as long as He would have me walk this earth.

So while I grieve the immense losses in my life, I am also reminded that I have much. I have much to be thankful for and much to PRAISE Him for. It is sad and heart breaking to lose the ones we love, but it is nothing short of TRAGIC that there are people out there that do not know the UNCONDITIONAL, unending love of their Savior. That breaks my heart. To know that there are people enduring hardship without hope, people who are suffering and struggling and trying to go at it alone. A love that is so freely given to EVERYONE no matter what they look like, what they have done or what they will do is found in Him and yet so many out there are lost. Today I will praise Him for who HE is and for his unending love and I will pray for those who have not yet found Him, and pray for him to use ME to be His hands and feet. To take the Gospel and share His GOOD news!

Being a motherless mother is tough...life is hard. Loss is painful, and He is holding us through it all. We have one parent who will NEVER leave us or let us down. For that my heart leaps for joy.

Radical

2011-01-03T13:29:00.002-05:00

As a part of our reflection of 2010 and quest for growth in Him in 2011, Howard and I have committed to joining the "Radical Experiment". Radical is a book written by David Platt. I bought it for Howard for his birthday and he plowed right through it and I am working on it now. We have really been becoming more and more convicted of the idea that so many of us are caught up in achieving the "American Dream" that we are losing sight of why we are really here. We aren't here to store up treasures for ourselves here on earth. We aren't here to live a comfortable life full of material things and sunshine and bubbles. We are here to make a difference. Jesus came to earth and lived the example of how we are to live and yet most of us aren't doing it.

It is hard. We struggle with it daily. We desperately want to be more like Jesus, but shiny objects draw us in. As part of our effort to change the way we think and go all out for Him we will be joining this "Movement".

"The price is certainly high for people who don’t know Christ and who live in a world where Christians shrink back from self-denying faith and settle into self-indulging faith. While Christians choose to spend their lives fulfilling the American dream instead of giving their lives to proclaiming the kingdom of God, literally billions in need of the Gospel remain in the dark"
— David Platt

We are committed to five things for this year. Here is what they are:

1. To pray for the entire world.
2. To read through the entire Word.
3. To sacrifice your money for a specific purpose.
4. To give your time in another context.
5. To commit your life to a multiplying community.

I am going to try to blog as we do these things, about our struggles, victories and thoughts. I am so excited to see how God uses our family this year. We feel big things on the horizon. BIG things.

New Year's Resolutions

2010-12-30T23:18:00.002-05:00

We all make them, right? We want to be thinner, eat healthier, spend less, save more, yadda yadda yadda. This week has been a tough week for me. There has been some intense stirring going on in my heart and I am quite certain God is working on me and though I have to admit it frightens me a little, I am also excited, because I know His plans for me are good!

I have spent some time reflecting on the past year and what I hope for the future and I have to say that we have been immensely blessed in 2010. We have had our struggles but He has brought us through each and every one a little stronger, a little more refined and a little more focused on Him. I have to say, He has our attention. I spent a lot of time praying in 2010 for Him to draw near, for a hunger for him. In the days I carried Asher, His presence was tangible. I could feel his hand upon me and I cannot even describe the peace that came with his presence. I had missed it so much and was honestly a little afraid that the only way to feel it was to suffer so intensely. I have to say that in the past several months I have had a deeper hunger and thirst for His Word and His presence. I had no idea just praying for it could bring it. ;)

We have spent 2010 teaching our kids and learning from them. We have seen growth as individuals and as a family. Our love for God has intensified as has our desire to do His will. We have stepped out of our comfort zone and loved more deeply, given more, and forgiven more freely. Words can't even begin to tell you how each and every time we have acted in obedience, the Lord has returned to us an incredible blessing that leaves us gasping for air.

It is my hope that in the coming year that we can use our time to glorify Him even more. That we can be His hands and feet and get out there and do the things He would have us do. We want to give our whole lives to him, not in part, the whole thing. Our time is no longer our own. When we chose to give our lives to Him that meant ALL of it. My intention this year is to live with such intentionality that He can be seen in and through me. I resolve to wake up each morning (early) and give it all over to Him each and every day, I pray to keep an open heart so that I can go wherever he leads, even when it seems nuts and even when I don't want to.

"LORD, remind me how brief my time on earth will be. Remind me that my days are numbered-how fleeting my life is. Psalm 39:4

I want to live my life focused on Heaven and not on this earth. I want my time here to reflect Him. I want my kids to see how amazing life is when He is given the trust and honor He so fully deserves. I want them to know the JOY of giving, even when it makes thing very uncomfortable. I want them to know that He will ALWAYS provide for their needs even when all hope seems lost.

I have a feeling this coming year is going to hold some big things for the Boltes as we follow hard after Him. I am sure it will be a year of ups and downs, highs and lows and grief and joy. I know he will push us to our limits and grow us a little more, I pray we are able to love even more, give even more and seek Him in all we do. I pray that our lives are a reflection of Him. I don't know if we will be thinner or if we will exercise more, but I know we are here and we are feeling a stirring in our hearts, He is calling and we are wrapping our minds around what it is he is asking and praying for his guidance. Stay tuned...he isn't done with us yet. ;)

Job 42:2 "I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted."

2010-12-24T08:43:00.001-05:00

Merry Christmas, season’s greetings and “Police Mommy Dad” to you all, and hope you are enjoying the Christmas “spearment.” There are so many of you that surely we’ll miss out on many opportunities to visit and catch up with you over the holidays. The time and energy being increasingly drained from our families is certainly stressful, especially at this time of year. In fact, if by chance you had the opportunity to come visit our house and family recently, you would’ve quickly realized just how stressful and confining life can get, and in order to survive here, there are certain things you just can’t do. CAN’T… I mean, if you do, your life will be pained in some way.
For instance, you can’t call Luke “Lucas” or Ben “Benjamin,” and certainly don’t use his middle name (Oliver) or he’ll just go nuts. You can’t eat a warm meal, eat breakfast before lunch, or drink warm coffee. You can’t get Ben to finish any meal in less than an hour, go more than an hour without wiping a behind, wipe your own without an audience, and can’t help but be glad you aren’t in a public restroom, because inevitably every time you are you must say “Shhhhhh, nobody wants to know that.”
You can’t sing “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” without the proper intro (you know Dasher and Dancer and…), can’t say “stupid,” “dumb” or “shut-up.” However you can say “dang it,” but then so will Hope so just don’t. You can’t tell Hope to sit, ‘cause when she repeats that it just sounds very in appropriate, and it just so happens that she likes to say “sit” the most in the grocery store. You can’t get though a sentence… what was I saying?... without saying “STOP, STOP” or “NO, NO.” You also can’t say things only once, know why you ever ask anyone to do anything, or understand how a child’s mind works.
You can’t get a full night’s sleep, get to sleep in, watch anything on TV but PBSkids, Nick Jr. or Disney Channel until after 5:00 pm. You can’t watch any show or movie from start to finish, fold laundry only once, or get your clothes put into drawers before you need to change the ones you are wearing because of snot, spills or puke (that is not your own.) You can’t leave the house without hearing “I want to stay home!” or come home without hearing “I don’t want to go home!”
You can’t get through bedtime without wondering to yourself “could they go one more day without a bath?” You can’t tell anybody to do anything without having them whine grunt, growl, stomp around or ignore you. You can’t let Luke go first, keep the floor clean, the toilet seat dry or the table un-sticky. Can’t talk on the phone, well I suppose you could, but you won’t hear what the person on the other end has to say back. Regardless you likely won’t find the phone anyhow… or the remotes, the keys, wallet, or pretty much anything within 3 feet of the floor. And although Hope has developed quite a vocabulary, her memory is lacking… she can’t remember where she leaves anything. However, walk around long enough in the dark and you’ll find it… or at least your barefoot will… ouch!
Anyhow, you can’t keep any electronic devices with knobs, buttons, lights, cords, or anything breakable in good working condition, unless it is a toddler toy… those are all in mint condition. You can’t keep smudges off the windows, TV or appliances. You can’t argue with a 4 year old, even about simple things like what day of the week it is… well again, you can, but there are better things you can do with your time like getting a root canal. Oh yeah, you can’t keep teeth in a 1st Grader either… or wake him up in time for school… or get him to sleep in on the weekend. You can’t know what he did in school that day, help him with his homework (he knows everything) or know whether or not he actually ate his lunch. Can’t get him to play outside, yet can’t keep him from running, bouncing and climbing all over the house either.
You can’t sit down, open the door all the way, think, read, cry, be afraid, ask for help, concentrate, have a conversation, take a normal vacation, make sense, get sick, have pillows on the couch or rugs on the floor. You can’t remember if you are repeating yourself, and you can’t expect anyone else to ever want to visit this house let alone want to babysit the kids.
But…if you were crazy enough, brave enough and open-minded enough and actually did, then you would also know that you can’t enter this home and not be THANKFUL! You can’t help but feel loved. You can’t resist laughing, sometimes until you cry or pee (both of which I said you can’t do, but will do inadvertently.) You can’t ignore the Christmas spirit, or deny that children can know about Jesus… who he is and what he has done… sometimes even better than adults. You can’t help but want to do everything in your power to share this undeserving gift with everyone. In fact, this may be one of the most unjust situations in this world… that so many families are being denied a love that can be so freely given… our house is full to the brim with His blessings and love and we have to do better at sharing that gift with the world.
May you and your neighbors be blessed in 2011 and receive God’s goodness, and may we all become the hands and feet to go out and deliver it.

Much Love,
The Bolte Family
Howard, Kristy, Luke, Ben, and Hope
Isaac and Asher, always in our hearts

2010-12-20T08:21:00.002-05:00

So, here in the Bolte house we are SUPER excited for Christmas. This was our recent attempt at Christmas Card photos. :) You can see that any attempt to get a photo of all three children at once just turns into chaos. So this is a REAL life photo.

The Advent Challenge has been going GREAT and we are astounded at the understanding our children have shown about the TRUE meaning of Christmas. We have done lots of fun things, like paying for a stranger's dinner, adopting another family for Christmas, picked out gifts through World Vision, gone Christmas caroling at local nursing homes, made bird feeders, and lots of other super fun things...they are learning how GREAT it feels to give and are experiencing true joy!

I also have to say that in our Advent season we have been equally blessed, we have had a couple of visits from "Santa" and we just stand in awe at how the Lord provides for His people.

We did battle perhaps the WORST case of the stomach flu ever and are still feeling some ill effects. ALL five of us went down within the same three days and it wasn't a 24 hour kind of thing...I may never catch up on laundry. :)

Tomorrow is Howard's birthday and we are excited and planning a fun time for him providing everyone is well!

How is your holiday season going?