Celebrating Life

Six years ago today I was sitting in a hospital bed with stitches, aching as I held and said good bye to my fourth born son. February 22, 2008 was one of the most remarkable days of my life. The loss was great, but the LOVE was so much greater. I had never felt such tangible love, by my Heavenly Father through all of the people around us. I miss that boy terribly and can't help but wonder what a six year old Asher would be like, but I am so very grateful he got to be mine at all. He blessed me in ways I never could have imagined. My life is different because he lived.

Today, six years later I sit in my bed with stitches, aching from surgery last week. I have a large incision on my outer left arm and one under my arm where the lymph nodes were taken for biopsy. So much has happened in the last six years but God's goodness remains the same. I never imagined I'd be sitting here writing about my cancer, but God knew. Last night around 7:40 pm my cell phone rang and I looked and saw that it was the doctor. I answered with a lump in my throat wondering why they'd call so late on a Friday. The physician's assistant explained that my pathology report was in and that they showed clear margins (meaning they got all the cancer) and that my lymph nodes showed no signs of cancer.

I think I breathed for the first time in almost a month. I immediately began to cry and thank her. She said,"I am so glad you are happy, and you should be but please know this is not over. We still need you to come in this week to see the oncologist, we are going to have to STAY ahead of this cancer." Melanoma will be something I live with forever. I will have frequent scans and check ups and while it is scary, I am grateful. I am grateful for the shift in perspective, the renewed gratitude for life and all the little things, and the awakening that I need to take care of myself.

We got GOOD news. The best news we could have asked for and I am so grateful, but I am determined not to waste this opportunity. I intend to let this experience continue to shape me and grow me and I need to show you something. It is tough to look at and not for the faint of heart, but THIS was the result of a mole no bigger than a pencil eraser....it had regular borders but was a little "dark"...and it could have cost me my life...and still could come back to haunt me and I pray we are armed and ready.

Today, as a way to honor my sweet Asher, I am asking you....to NOT let this happen to you.  GET your skin checked and protect your skin.  IT is your largest organ...take care of it.  While SOME sun is good for us, sunburn is not, stay out of the tanning bed.  PLEASE make an appointment with your dermatologist and prevent this from happening to you.  Melanoma is VERY treatable when caught early, and very deadly when it isn't.  Today I celebrate Asher's life and also my own, I pray I am able to live it to the fullest....and I pray you are too.  Life is a gift...open it and live it!

Surgery

Yesterday morning we arrived at the hospital at 8:00. I got my bracelet, did some paperwork and at about 8:30 I was called back for the lymph node mapping. The doctor and nurse were so great. The nurse walked in with this metal box that was locked with the radioactive symbol on it and capital letter RADIOACTIVE. They explained the procedure to me. They'd be injecting four vials of radioactive material into the site of the cancer and they they'd put me under the gamma machine to see which lymph node basin the cancer drains to. I asked if I could expect to turn into the Incredible Hulk or if I might walk out with Spidey Senses. They assured me I wouldn't.

It is difficult to describe the pain of having radioactive material injected just under your skin, but I think it is safe to say I am tough enough for that tattoo I've been wanting. Once the injections were done and the doctor was finished apologizing profusely seeing how I flinched with each one, they raised me into the machine for pictures. I just had to lay still for several sets of images. The lymph node basin that lit up was under my left arm which was expected so they marked it, sent me with some pictures and I was off to the next adventure.

We headed to the next building for the surgery. They were waiting for me and got started right away. I was whisked back to pre op where they started paperwork, ran a pregnancy test (NEGATIVE), and got my IV going. I can say without a doubt they were some of the most amazing nurses ever. I was anxious and teary and they were SO reassuring and sweet. Getting an IV placed is one of my most dreaded things. The nurse started, I felt a tiny pinch and then nothing else. I looked down and said, "Did you NUMB my hand before doing that?" and she said, "Girl I am giving you all I've got." :)

As I looked around the pre op/post op area it was a little surreal. I was in the plastic surgery department so most of the people were so excited to get their surgeries, face lifts, lipo, breast augmentations....then there's me. The doctor came over to mark my arm and talk to me and I started crying. He assured me it would be ok. I told him I wasn't afraid of the surgery, moreso the big picture of all of this. He grabbed my hand and said, "We see LOTS of people cured. I see no reason why you won't be one of those people, you are a little higher risk because of the depth of the tumor but we're going to get you through this." I breathed and thanked him. Having a confident doctor is SO important.

Then the anesthesiologist came in. In my experience, they are a quirky bunch always in fun scrubs, he was no exception. He was an older grandfatherly type man. He stroked my cheek and said, we are here for you, "whatever you need, physically, emotionally, spiritually we are here. I have a friend who just went through this same surgery and she is doing great. You are going to do great too. I can just tell you are going to beat this." I cried. He hugged me and they walked me to the operating room.

I got up on the table and my friendly anesthesiologist said, "Are you ready to go to Margaritaville?" I nodded and he injected some lovely something into my IV. Then I remember a nurse saying "we are going to take VERY good care of you and get you home to those kids". Then I remember an oxygen mask....and waking up in recovery.

I'd say the worst part of the whole ordeal was waking up and being told I needed to eat something. They brought me Snackwells cookies and due to the cottonmouth of anesthesia, I struggled to choke them down. I think I drank six cups of water. I got up and used the bathroom and they let me get dressed.

I got home around 4 yesterday, ate dinner, took my meds, watched a movie with the kids and struggled to get comfortable enough to sleep.

I am feeling pretty good. Groggy and sore but overall good, glad this part is behind me and looking forward to good test results next week. Thank you all for your prayers. I can truly feel them. I am so grateful for all the love being poured out upon my family.

Surgery Tomorrow

Tomorrow morning we'll get up before dawn, take our sweet foster girl to a respite home (of dear friends), pick up my dad, and head to Cleveland for my surgery. First I will have blue radioactive dye injected into the melanoma site (which I am secretly hoping gives me some kind of super power) and they will watch where the dye drains to. They will make note of which lymph node basin and which is the sentinel node and I will head to a different part of the hospital to have a node or two removed and sent for biopsy (we are believing and trusting God that the results will be good), after the lymph nodes are on their way, my melanoma, which a friend has appropriately named "assmole" will be evicted with two centimeter margins in all directions leaving me with a gnarly scar, which I will proudly wear.

Overall, I am not sure if I feel overwhelming peace, or just numb, but I feel positive and hopeful and truthfully I've been taking such good care of myself that I haven't physically felt this well in quite some time. The plan is to get some rest tonight, rock this surgery tomorrow and be home by dinner. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little nervous about the pain, the possible drain for lymphatic fluid and the idea of letting other people take care of my sweet kids, but I'd also be lying if I said I didn't have a list of books, TEDTalks, and Netflix movies all ready. In the past few weeks I've seen quite a bit of growth in myself. It sounds a little crazy but I am grateful. I am grateful for the perspective this cancer has brought.

I am enjoying my days, my family and my friends, I am eating well, exercising and spending time in my bible. I am healthy and I have EVERY confidence with Him, I can BEAT this cancer. I'd appreciate your continued prayers on this journey because I can truly FEEL every one and it has done MUCH for my heart. The outpouring of love has been amazing. I am a blessed woman.

It's JUST Skin Cancer

Interestingly, even I was kind of of the thought that skin cancer was just something that you had cut out and then you moved on and never really had to deal with it again. Unfortunately this couldn't be further from the truth. Here are some statistics about Malignant Melanoma, my particular brand of skin cancer.

From 1970 to 2009, the incidence of melanoma increased by 800 percent among young women and 400 percent among young men.

One person dies of melanoma every hour (every 57 minutes).

An estimated 76,690 new cases of invasive melanoma will be diagnosed in the US in 2013.

An estimated 9,480 people will die of melanoma in 2013.

Melanoma accounts for less than five percent of skin cancer cases, but the vast majority of skin cancer deaths.

Of the seven most common cancers in the US, melanoma is the only one whose incidence is increasing. Between 2000 and 2009, incidence climbed 1.9 percent annually.

1 in 50 men and women will be diagnosed with melanoma of the skin during their lifetime.

In 2009, there were approximately 876,344 men and women alive in the U.S. with a history of melanoma.


About 86 percent of melanomas can be attributed to exposure to ultraviolet (UV) radiation from the sun.

Melanoma is one of only three cancers with an increasing mortality rate for men, along with liver cancer and esophageal cancer.

Survivors of melanoma are about nine times as likely as the general population to develop a new melanoma.

The vast majority of mutations found in melanoma are caused by ultraviolet radiation.

Melanoma is the most common form of cancer for young adults 25-29 years old and the second most common form of cancer for young people 15-29 years old.

The overall 5-year survival rate for patients whose melanoma is detected early, before the tumor has spread to regional lymph nodes or other organs, is about 98 percent in the US. The survival rate falls to 62 percent when the disease reaches the lymph nodes, and 15 percent when the disease metastasizes to distant organs.

A person’s risk for melanoma doubles if he or she has had more than five sunburns.

One or more blistering sunburns in childhood or adolescence more than double a person’s chances of developing melanoma later in life.

Regular daily use of an SPF 15 or higher sunscreen reduces the risk of developing squamous cell carcinoma by 40 percent and the risk of developing melanoma by 50 percent.


MEN/WOMEN

Young men account for 40 percent of melanoma cases, but more than 60 percent of melanoma deaths.

From ages 15-39, men are 55 percent more likely to die of melanoma than women in the same age group.

An estimated 45,060 new cases of invasive melanoma in men and 31,630 in women will be diagnosed in the US in 2013.

An estimated 6,280 men and 3,200 women in the US will die from melanoma in 2013.

Melanoma is the fifth most common cancer for males and seventh most common for females.

Five percent of all cancers in men are melanomas; four percent of all cancers in women are melanomas.

Up until age 40, significantly more women develop melanoma than men (1 in 391 women vs. 1 in 691 men). After age 40, significantly more men develop melanoma than women. Overall, one in 35 men and one in 54 women will develop melanoma in their lifetimes.

Women aged 39 and under have a higher probability of developing melanoma than any other cancer except breast cancer.

The majority of people diagnosed with melanoma are white men over age 50.

Caucasian men over age 65 have had an 5.1 percent annual increase in melanoma incidence since 1975, the highest annual increase of any gender or age group.

The number of women under age 40 diagnosed with basal cell carcinoma has more than doubled in the last 30 years; the incidence of squamous cell carcinoma among women under age 40 has increased almost 700 percent.

Adults over age 40, especially men, have the highest annual exposure to UV.


TREATMENT

In adults 65 or older, melanoma treatment costs total about $249 million annually. About 40 percent of the annual cost for melanoma goes to treating stage IV (advanced) cancers, though they account for only three percent of melanomas.43

The estimated cost of treating melanoma in 2010 was $2.36 billion.49

THE BOTTOM LINE???

Cancer is cancer and it affects all of us. None of us are immune....so please consider having a skin check done. It could just save your life.

And Then There Was Cancer

I apologize for my lengthy absence here at the blog. We actually had a few month period of pretty normal life. :) In the past few months we enjoyed the holidays with family, celebrated Jacob's second birthday and did many fun things as a family. I will get to posting updated pictures of the kids soon.

On January 23 I went to the Cleveland Clinic to have a mole removed. I'd shown the mole to my Primary Care Physician a few different times and he was not concerned. I was. So finally I called around locally to find out when I could get in to see a dermatologist. It was a three month wait. I wanted it looked at immediately so I called the Cleveland Clinic on January 21st and had an appointment for the 23rd.

The doctor was very sweet, she removed the mole and said it was likely nothing to lose sleep over but she would send it out for testing just for peace of mind. We went on with our weekend and I didn't think much else about it.

Monday morning, January 27th, I had just gotten the big kids started on school work and the little ones were having a snack while I got myself a cup of coffee. Our home phone rang and I didn't get to it in time, then immediately after that my cell phone rang. I saw that it was a Cleveland number and answered. I barely remember anything else that happened after that. The Doctor herself was on the phone, which I knew wasn't good. She said that the biopsy came back as malignant melanoma and that I would need to be scheduled as soon as possible to see a surgeon to have the area excised and due to the depth of the tumor I would need a sentinel node biopsy. I remember just nodding my head and saying ok, ok, ok, meanwhile just wanting to get off the phone so I could bawl.

I got off the phone, took a deep breath and collected myself. I was to wait on a call from the Clinic's Melanoma Clinic at the Taussig Cancer Center. I just became a cancer patient. I called my dad and that might have been the hardest part of all of it. I manned phone calls for setting up more appointments and waited for Howard to get home.

Howard called on his way home and I was still so stunned, all I could muster was "I have cancer" over the phone. He said, "ok. We'll deal with this. I will be right home. It is going to be ok." I walked around in a fog for a few days as I incessantly Googled melanoma statistics. (I should NOT have done that)

A few days later I got my wits about me, got my face back into my Bible and decided....that since none of us are promised tomorrow, I'd take it a day at a time and do all I could to take care of my body and help it beat this thing. I've switched to a primarily plant based diet, complete with supplements, juice and smoothies. I've lost 12 pounds and am exercising every day. When fear creeps in, I get that Bible back out and remind myself that He is where my help comes from. I feel better physically, emotionally and spiritually than I have in a while. I think I've been in autopilot for a while and this has snapped me out of that.

On January 30th I saw my new doctor at the Taussig Cancer center. Until this date, the genetics office was by far the most heartbreaking place I'd ever had to sit in, a cancer center beats that. Just looking around I could not believe this is where I was. We met with the doctor, he was very positive and upbeat but realistic. It is a scary cancer. It is the leading cause of cancer death in people my age, but he reminded me that I am not a statistic so to quit Googling. We scheduled surgery. He explained that I am currently, because of the characteristics of my tumor, a stage 2B melanoma patient which on the continuum is still better than many. We have yet to test my lymph nodes yet. That will be done the day of surgery. If there is no cancer found in the lymph nodes, odds are quite good, although we will still have to be vigilant because melanoma is a SNEAKY cancer and comes back frequently. Clear lymph nodes is what we are praying for.

My surgery is scheduled for Monday, February 17th. I will have lymph node mapping first to detect which lymph node the area of cancer is draining into, then I will go into surgery where they will excise a large portion of my arm flesh to be sure they get ALL cancer cells and I will have a few lymph nodes removed for testing. Recovery will likely be a little tough since I am a homeschooling mom of FIVE, but we can do this. Our friends and family have stepped up and been such a blessing. We feel peace about what is to come, knowing that God is in control and that He will equip us for whatever comes. If you wouldn't mind praying for all of us, we'd be so grateful. Please pray for clean lymph nodes, smooth recovery and for Howard as he takes on more responsibility, our family and friends who will be stepping in, and for our kids as this is a lot for them too. Please also pray for the doctors as they treat me and help me to get rid of this cancer, I feel good about the Cleveland Clinic and the doctors there and am confident they will help me to overcome this obstacle.

"For nothing is impossible with God" Luke 1:37

"With your help I can advance against a troop; with my God I can scale a wall." Psalm 18:29

"He will have no fear of bad news, his heart is steadfast trusting in the Lord." Psalm 112:7

Five Wishes For Our Baby Girl

We are in the process of creating a life book for our sweet foster daughter as her case moves toward adoption. My homework for last week was to come up with five wishes I have for her. We love her so very much and are so grateful to know God loves her even more and is in control of everything.

5 Wishes For Baby L

1. That you will always know how loved you have always been, and that you are SO wanted and are such a gift.

2. That you will one day find someone who will love you so completely it makes everything else in the world much less scary. That is how I feel about your "dada", don’t settle for less.

3. That you will never muffle that contagious giggle you have. That you will belly laugh without concern for what people think, and always be as happy as you are today. Your smile lights up a room, let that light shine!

4. That you will grow to have faith and love your God. He loves you so much and has been with you EVERY step of the way. You will never be alone and there will be grace for every mistake you make.

5. That you will learn earlier than I did that gratitude breeds joy. Searching for joy in anything else only breeds discontent. Give thanks in all things. Sometimes it doesn’t come easy, sometimes you have to fight for it. NEVER give up that fight. Choose Joy in all things, even and especially in the hard stuff.

We love you to the moon sweet girl!

If Not Us, Then Who? If Not Now, Then When?

Over the course of the past few weeks there's been a story of a young man who's been in the foster care system his whole life swirling around the news and internet.  This fifteen year old boy stood in front of a congregation of Christians and plead for a family.  I heard the story and it wrecked my heart.  A few years ago, I went to a conference in Chicago at Willow Creek Community church and Bill Hybels spoke of finding your "Holy Discontent" and how that would set you on your mission for life.  I think I've found mine.  I hear stories of children without families and it breaks my heart into a million pieces.  I get on my knees and I pray about what more I can do to help this crisis in our world.  The statistics are staggering.

I sit and I wonder how it is possible for an orphan to walk in to a church and humble himself with such courage and walk out alone.  Now, I know that in the time since that day, THOUSANDS of families have called and inquired on this courageous young man, and I PRAY that all of those thousands of people who do not end up being the boy's family will open their minds and hearts to a different child, because the truth is there are THOUSANDS of kids out there, not unlike this young man, who want nothing more than to know the love of a family....a love that will be there forever.

I wonder about the state of the "church" when statistics say that if only 7% of Christians adopted there would be no child without a family.  If ONE family out of every THREE churches adopted there would be no crisis.  I'll be honest here.  I am struggling to understand what on earth is going on.  There are over 116,000 children in the foster care system RIGHT NOW who are available for adoption.  I cry as I type this because "Christians" all over are spewing Bible verses and taking a stand on many things...some that matter...and some that maybe don't....this matters.  The Bible MANDATES us to act.  If we claim we believe what the Bible tells us, I don't know how we can turn a blind eye any longer.  If we as His body don't act, how does that reflect on Him? 

That said, adoption isn't easy, and it isn't something all people can do, although it is awfully easy to find an excuse as to why you can't.  These kids often come with much baggage and are so challenging, I am coming off of a day full of therapist and social worker visits, tantrums and tears.  It is no joke and if your heart truly isn't in it, you shouldn't do it.  Faith requires action and sometimes that action makes life harder and makes things uncomfortable, but we aren't called to live this life for only ourselves.  God tells us that "Children are a gift".  I guess I just think it is time we start believing that and treating them as such.  They are after all our future.  They are not a nuisance to put up with for 18 years so we can then retire and travel on easy street as empty nesters.  There are REAL kids out there hurting who need a home and a family to commit to them and show them unconditional love even when they aren't loveable (and especially then).

Jesus told Peter to "feed His sheep".  He didn't tell him to go out and crusade for and against all of the causes we seem to be crusading for and against.  He merely said, "Feed my sheep.".  I pray each day about what else we can DO, and currently most of our family doesn't understand why we'd "make life so much harder for ourselves by taking these kids in" but the truth is...while it is exponentially harder, it is also exponentially better.  Living in His will, and being His hands and feet are a privilege we can ALL enjoy....right now the harvest is great and the workers are few...I'd invite you to pray about how you can act.  Maybe you truly just are not in a place where you could foster or adopt, maybe you are, either way there is SOMETHING you can do.  Foster and adoptive families don't always receive overwhelming support, so if you can't foster or adopt, maybe offer to come along side a family who is, this is hard work, and we all could use a helping hand.  Maybe offer to do respite or babysit, cook, deliver some groceries,clean or fold laundry, even just delivering coffee to a weary mom does wonders.

Would you join me in praying for these children all over the world currently living without a forever family.  The truth is, the answer isn't just adoption.  Adoption happens as a result of a lot of other brokenness.  Adoption is a necessary thing but it is far from ideal.  Ideally kids would live forever with their first family.  So maybe your place is coming alongside a struggling family and helping them do just that!

I surely don't have it all figured out and I can certainly do more myself.  But we've got to act now.  Each day these kids spend feeling unloved and unwanted wounds them further.  Every kid deserves to know the love of a family.

Ten Things I've Learned in Ten Years of Parenting

Luke turned ten in August.  Ten years ago, I was a 24 year old new mom who had it all figured out.  Funny.  Ten years in.  I have it less figured out that a decade ago.  As I sat and reflected over my decade of parenting, here are a few things I've learned about being a parent.

1.  All of that "stuff" you get for your first baby, most of it...isn't really helpful and is completely unnecessary.  Aside from a good carseat, some clothes, a crib (not even that for a while for us)  some diapers, and a good baby carrier, all that fancy stuff you somehow think you NEED just weighs you down.  We went ALL out for Luke, had to have EVERYTHING and have slowly learned...less truly is more.  Baby stuff quickly can take up a whole house if you let it.

2.   Baby carriers are a gift from God.  My personal favorite is the Ergo.  I can wear two at a time, donning both babies and still take the older three out for a field trip.  I can also get housework done and grocery shop more efficiently if the babies are close by and don't need to seek my attention.  Keep them close, you can't spoil them.  You'll never be sorry for holding them too much.

3. Our kids are ALWAYS listening.  Even when we think they aren't, they really are absorbing everything, our words our attitudes and our demeanor, there has been  nothing more humbling for me than parenting.  Sometimes it is like looking directly in a mirror and sometimes the image isn't pretty.

4.  Development and milestones are not a race.  Every child truly does develop and learn on their own timeline and it doesn't do any good to compare children.  We need to just let them enjoy being kids and not push our own agenda on them...childhood is supposed to be fun, we need to relax and let it be so.

5.  No matter what parenting choice I make, someone will disagree and that is okay.  Just as all children are different, so are all parents.  We all need to truly judge less and go with what works for our own family.

6.  You can't be a good parent and a lousy spouse.  When I slack off and don't pour into my marriage, it directly affects the kids.  It is true that one of the best gifts we can give our kids is a healthy relationship with their other parent.  We model for them what a relationship should look like and that is more powerful than we give it credit for.

7.  Always stop and try to see the big picture.  In a chaotic moment, things might seem like the whole world is ending, I set a timer for 20 minutes and just endure in the moment and typically 20 minutes out, I can laugh, breathe and see that in the grand scheme of things that hard moment is just a moment and I am able to see the long view and show compassion and let go of anger and frustration.

8.  My house will never be as clean as I'd like it to be and it has to be okay.  A fellow foster parent shared her motto with me, "Trading sanity for love every day" and somedays that is how it feels for me as I do like order and a clean house, but in the grand scheme, the fact that we get to play a key part in helping to shape little people and love them is far more important than a house that looks like it belongs in Better Homes and Gardens.

9.  Trust myself and trust God.  Every one wants to chime in and give advice to a struggling parent, but the truth of the matter is that there is no one right way to do any of this.  We all just have to wade through and find what works best.  We know our own kids and we know what works for them.  I often feel like I must be screwing my kids up forever, but the truth is that we make mistakes, I make a LOT of them and what is important is how we deal with those mistakes and move forward.

10.  The biggest thing I've learned, that I am JUST realizing this year, is that God didn't give me kids because he wanted me to perfect them and make them better.  He gave me kids because they are a gift.  He is using them to perfect ME and make me better.  They are a gift to me, and it isn't my job to fix them.  It is my job to allow them to mold me and make me more Christlike. My kids have taught me SO much.

Okay, I had to edit to add number 11 because it really has been life changing for me:

11.  NEVER, EVER look at the clock in the middle of the night when up with a restless child.  Keeping score and adding up lost sleep is NEVER helpful.  You can't get it back and there is nothing you can do about it, keeping tally of lost sleep won't bring it back, it just causes anxiety, you can't fret over what cannot be changed...one day we shall sleep again, right?


Above all, I have learned that these precious ones are truly His children, and each day I need to pray and hand them back over to Him.  He gives the grace for each moment, even the really ugly ones if only we'll receive it, and our kids deserve for us to extend that grace on to them.  Kids will be kids and we should expect that.  I will probably never have this all figured out as I once thought I did.  You can read every parenting book on Earth and still not have a clue.  I've read most of them and I can finally admit, I don't have it all figured out, but I sure do trust the One who does. 

What are some things you've learned since becoming a parent?

Just Another Day in Paradise

So, reality is that with five children some days are better than others. Most days have their intense moments, and I have learned to just breathe and buckle down and get it done. Today...well...today is one for the books...so here's hoping that I read this one day and laugh.

After going to bed just after an argument with my dear husband over Fisher Price Little People (yes, you read that right). I was grateful for a new morning and a fresh start. I woke about two hours before the kids to get some chores done because today was a Occupational Therapy AND Physical Therapy day for our foster girl. (Trying to entertain four other children while giving my attention to baby girl and her therapist so that I can help her with exercises the rest of the week, makes me break into a sweat 24 hours in advance and have a bottle of wine chilled and ready to go.)

I digress. I went downstairs to toss a load of laundry in and stepped on about twenty pieces of glass...er...I mean LEGOS on the way while carrying a grossly overstuffed hamper of dirty laundry. I started the laundry and headed back upstairs to mop, get breakfast started and get dressed, and as I brushed my teeth, Jacob began to wail. Freshly dressed I picked him right up for a morning snuggle only to find that his diaper had malfunctioned and he was DRIPPING wet. Awesome. Got him changed, changed my clothes again, stripped his bed and got him in his high chair...at which point all other little Bolte children begin to emerge wanting breakfast.

Making toast for five kids with a two slice toaster (because I refuse to buy a new one because ours still works, it is THIRTEEN years old...it has to give up someday, right?) takes me, well...until lunch. ;) SO I sent Ben outside to dump the compost and grab the mail I'd forgotten to get yesterday.

He bounces in the front door with a jar of bugs with holes poked in the top, Ben is the bug whisperer so this was nothing new. In the jar he proudly announced were not one, not two, but THREE "snowy white crickets" he'd found in his journey to the mailbox! He deemed it the best day EVER as he proudly showed them to each of the other kids. I continued to bustle around trying to get everyone fed and asked Ben to please pour his cereal.

He set the jar down. A baby child, who will remain nameless...picked the jar up.  The lid was not properly screwed on the jar, and a wild cricket chase ensued.  Said, baby, won the wild cricket chase and well...crickets ARE a delicacy in some areas of the world so I'd say this baby was simply broadening his/her horizons.

Ben sobbed, mourning the loss of ONE cricket...the other two remained in the jar...I am guessing they saw the toddlers and decided to cut their losses and stay put.  I comforted Ben, we got the lid on the jar and took the crickets to the porch for safety.  When I turned back around Jacob had removed his diaper, and proceeded to pee all over the floor I woke up early and mopped.  I grabbed him and ran to get a towel.  I was not fast enough because in a split second baby number two found the pee pool and decided to have  some fun splashing in it.

Both babies make their way to the tub, babies washed, diapered and dressed.  I remind myself to breathe.  I actually set a timer from the moment of the cricket escape.  This is my coping skill.  I set a timer for 20 minutes because what seems like it must be the Bolte Apocalypse  happens daily, and while it seems like I am in it forever, in twenty minutes, typically life looks different and things aren't so chaotic.  It helps me focus, not become overwhelmed and just buckle down.  So I am in full buckle down mode.

Therapist number one is due at any moment. I still need to get tonight's pot roast into the crockpot so it is done in time for the boys to eat before heading to our local fair to enter their prized projects. I put the babies down to play and frantically search for the aforementioned Fisher Price Little People for baby girl's therapy session.  I hear a crash.  I turn and Ben has dropped his bowl of cereal, creating an organic O's BOMB all over the table, floor, sliding glass door and stainless appliances.  The timer begins to beep.  I sit down on the floor in the cereal carnage and begin to weep.  Ben sees my distress and brings me a tissue.  I look up and he says, "Mom, don't cry over spilled milk".  We all laugh and there is a knock at the door.  I wish it were a therapist for me.  I still can't find those darn Little People.

The moral of the story:  Don't cry over spilled milk, but it is PERFECTLY acceptable to cry over an ingested cricket friend.  :)

It Matters.

Tonight we celebrated our sweet foster daughter's first birthday. Sometimes the lack of support for our decision to foster children still catches me off guard and sucks the wind right out of my sails.

Tonight I am reminded of those who were there, and who are there. Those who make our kids a priority, all of them...treating each kid the same whether biological or not. I watched a few of my dear friends love and hold that one year old princess and I was reminded not to let those who just don't "get it" to make me overshadow those who are embracing it with us.

This fostering thing, it is hard, it is a roller coaster of emotion and activity. Appointments are many and downtime is scarce. I watched as a few close friends and family watched that sweet beauty light up as she opened gifts and was overwhelmed with gratitude that they chose HER today. They made her a priority and they celebrated the gift that she is with us and while my heart was heavy that a few immediate family members made a different decision, I know it is more important to focus on those who chose her.

We choose her. We love her as our very own, not knowing if she is here forever or just a few more months, we put our hearts on the line and though we've chosen this, our family and friends haven't. So, when a friend or family member goes out of their way to show love to her, we notice. We notice every effort made to come alongside us in this battle. We feel every prayer and appreciate each sweet gift.

When we see others loving her with abandon the way we do, it makes my heart soar. The fact that a friend calls to check in or stops by to visit knowing the enormous amount of effort it takes for me to get this brood out of the house, helping me feel not so alone, it doesn't go buy unnoticed. I don't send the thank you cards I once did, as I can barely find time to pee. But in case you ever wonder if I notice the little acts of kindness, the gifts of love or the loving support and prayer...make no mistake...I do! I notice and it matters more than you could ever know.