Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Good News!

I first want to thank all of you for your prayers and warm wishes...they were truly felt this morning.

I am very happy to say that so far, everything looks good. We have another scan in four weeks to monitor growth but as of now things are still right on track!

I have much I want to say but my head is just spinning right now so I will try to put my thoughts together later...I just wanted to keep you informed!

I am so very grateful for your support and am overwhelmed by the grace God continues to extend to us.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Praying for GOOD news tomorrow

Well, tomorrow is a big day. We have an ultrasound tomorrow morning at 10:30. I will be almost 17 weeks tomorrow so we aren't sure what if anything this scan will tell us as I have not had one quite this early before. The issues Asher had were discovered at 19 weeks. I will have another scan in four weeks to compare brain measurement and growth.

I know I am to be anxious about nothing and just giving it all to Him, but I must admit friends, I am struggling just a little. I do have peace about all of this and I can say I am not freaking out. I do however feel my anxiety level raise just a little when I think about it. Ultrasounds have taken on a whole new meaning for me. I am not concerned with getting a cute picture of my baby or with finding out the gender (though they would be a nice bonus). I just really long to hear that everything looks normal.

Though, I do know that if that is not the path the Lord has chosen for us, He will guide us through whatever comes. I know He has gone before me and has prepared me for whatever blessings this little one brings.

I also have to admit that I really can't hold back my excitement about this little one most of the time anymore...I hope, I dream and I pray. I know that children are a gift and whatever gift the Lord has for me I am open and willing to receive it as he sees fit.

I am asking that you pray for us. Pray for peace to continue to fill our hearts and minds, pray for the doctors we will speak with tomorrow, and of course for this little one growing inside my womb.

I am so grateful for each and every one of you who continue to check in on us and pray for our family! It means more than you could know and your prayers are felt in a big way!

We will keep you posted!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Pray for Dylan's Sweet Family

This sweet family has met and said good bye for now to their precious son. Please keep them in your prayers in the hours, days, weeks to come.


Dylan's Blog

If you can please take a moment to stop by their blog and let them know you are thinking of them...I know they covet your prayers.

A Few Christmas Highlights

Here are just a few highlights from our Christmas Eve and Christmas...the boys were SO much fun. They were so excited!
So exciting! Santa CAME!

The Breakfast of Champions! Christmas Waffles!

Happy Birthday Baby Jesus! This was just before Ben gave in and stuck his finger RIGHT in the cake!


The Boltes and the Moores
(Howard's sister and her family)



Feeding the reindeer





Reading books with Papa





MAJOR meltdown! Too much fun, too little sleep!




Us in our FABULOUS HOHOHO tshirts!





New Christmas Eve PJs








Saturday, December 27, 2008

Someone is Always Missing

Christmas is over. We made it through. We had a great time with our families, enjoyed TOO much good food, went to church, and opened gifts. This was our first Christmas without Asher. He was still kicking me and rolling around inside my belly last Christmas. That would be his only Christmas with us. It hurts. I think for much of this holiday season I have just numbed myself and the moment things began to get hard, I just would flip the numbing switch.

This is our fourth Christmas without Isaac and they do say that this all gets easier with time and that the first Christmas is the worst, I am not sure I agree. It rips my heart out thinking that this was the FOURTH Christmas spent without Isaac and our first without Asher. There was such an absence felt in this family that it took my breath away several times. Someone is always missing.

On Christmas Eve we met some good friends at Chuck E. Cheese for lunch. We had a great time, but I just kept looking around thinking that we were missing two children. Sometimes I even get that feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I forgot something, and then I realize that I haven't forgotten anything, half of my boys are missing and some days it sucks the breath right out of me. Someone is always missing.

We headed from lunch to church. This is where it began to hit me really hard. At our church we have childcare on Christmas Eve only for children 5 and under. I stood there looking at the sign thinking...wow...each of my four kids would qualify. After leaving the kids to play at Jesus' birthday party, we headed to service. I stood there as they played the usual Christmas songs and all I could do was cry. Tears continually streamed down my face. It took everything in me not to let it turn to the ugly cry.

I am not sure exactly why I was crying. I am sure it was partly that I was feeling the loss of my boys so heavily that day, it was also because all I could think of was Mary. She was chosen to carry a child only to have to let him go. Only her son did not peacefully enter Heaven minutes, or hours after birth, he lived 33 years. Then he died an excruciating death. I cannot imagine the overwhelming urge Mary must have had to take it all away from him. To run from the plan that God had. My already broken heart breaks for Mary.

I stood there crying with one hand on my swelling abdomen, feeling the baby moving inside where Asher moved last year and I wondered what God's plan for this child is. Fear began creeping in. My heart was already hurting so much, I was walking a fine line. I shoved it away and tried my best to get a hold of myself reminding myself that He is doing a new thing here.

We headed to my dad's for Christmas Eve dinner and gift giving. It was so fun watching the boy's eyes light up as they opened gifts and ate treats, but someone is always missing.

We came home and made reindeer food, opened new pj's, wrote notes for and set cookies out for Santa, heard Santa's jingle bells while reading Christmas stories and literally flew to bed. It was fun to see the excitement building in Luke and Ben, but there is always someone missing. Two someones.

It was very fun to play Santa but as we hauled out gifts I could not help but think of what the pile would look like for four sweet boys. Howard headed in to get a shower and I prayed to God just for peace and strength to get through the next day without two of my sons. He always provides.

Christmas morning was fun as the boys shook with excitement when they saw Santa had come. They tore through their gifts squealing with joy at each discovery. Two squeals were missing.

I made a big breakfast that mainly only Howard and I ate because the kids were just too excited to eat. We spent the day in our new PJs playing games and opening packages with a trillion twisty ties. We headed to Howard's parents for dinner and gift giving. Isaac and Asher's absence was almost too much for me there as I watched the cousins playing.

As I sit here today I wonder if I am the only one who felt the void, who noticed their absence.

There was ONE family who was sure to include Isaac and Asher in our holiday festivities and Greg and Ginger, I will be forever grateful for that ornament you made. You could never know how much it means to us. Especially that you remembered our boys this Christmas.

I suspect I am not the only one. I suspect others remembered, but weren't sure what would be appropriate as often times people are afraid to bring up sad feelings. I assure you those feelings are always there. They are just below the surface where usually I can hide them. The fact remains that there are two someones who are always missing from this family and we miss them as much today as we ever have. We know we are blessed and we are so thankful for each of our children, yet it sure does hurt to go on without two of them. Remember them with us and never be afraid to talk about them with us.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Christmas Letter


I have tried to get Howard to write here on this blog, but he has shown no interest in doing so. For the past two years he has found a creative way to write a "Christmas Letter" to go out with our photo Christmas card. Many of you will be receiving these in the mail probably today or tomorrow, but for those who do not, I wanted to share this year's gem with you! I wish I could send ALL of you a Christmas greeting, but this will have to do! I hope you all have a wonderful holiday! We love you all!


12/21/08

DEAR FRIENDS,
HO! HO! HO! MERRY MISSMAS! 2008, WHAT A YEAR... I TURNED 2. EVERYONE SAYS IT’S TERRIBLE, BUT I THINK IT’s BEEN PRETTY COOL. I’VE BEEN LEARNING MY SHAPES, LIKE CIRLCE, SQUARE, OVAL, HEART... I THINK I MUST BE BEST AT THE HEARTS, BECAUSE MY MOM IS ALWAYS SAYING HOW I’M GONNA GIVE HER A HEART ATTACK ONE OF THESE DAYS.


I’M ALSO LEARNING MY COLORS. MOMMY LIKES ORANGE; DAD LIKES GREEN; LUKE LIKES BLUE AND I LIKE RED... RED CARS, RED CANDY, RED POPSICLES, RED, RED RED. IT MATCHES MY HAIR YOU KNOW. I LIKE RED SO MUCH I CHOMPED A RED CHRISTMAS LIGHT YESTERDAY – RIGHT OFF THE STRING. I MEAN, IT WASN’T LIT UP OR ANYTHING SO WHO WOULD MISS IT RIGHT? THAT MUST HAVE BEEN QUITE AN ACCOMPLISHMENT; MY MOM WENT NUTS WHEN I TOLD HER WHAT I WAS CRUNCHING. IN FACT SHE CALLED MY DAD IN TO SEE. HE WAS SO EXCITED HE WANTED TO SEE IT IN MY MOUTH. MOM EVEN CALLED THE DOCTOR AND HE THOUGHT IT WAS SO GREAT THAT HE WANTED ME TO GO SHOW THE PEOPLE AT THE HOSPITAL. THE WHOLE WAY THERE MOM AND DAD COULDN’T STOP TALKING ABOUT IT. I MUST BE WAY COOLER THAN LUKE, ‘CAUSE THEY SAID HE NEVER DID ANYTHING LIKE THAT, AND I’VE BEEN TO THE DOCTOR MORE THAN ANY KID THEY KNOW. THE HOSPITAL WAS SO IMPRESSED THEY TOOK PICTURES OF MY BELLY TO SEE IT. I WONDER IF THAT’S HOW RUDOLPH GOT HIS RED NOSE.


MAN, I AM GETTING BIGGER AND BIGGER EVERYDAY. I’M EVEN GONNA BE A BIG BROTHER AGAIN. “JUST IMAGINE WHAT IT WILL BE LIKE IF THIS BABY IS JUST LIKE ME” THAT’S WHAT MOMMY KEEPS SAYING, BUT I’M HOPING FOR A SISTER. I ALREADY HAVE TO SHARE EVERY SINGLE THING WITH LUKE. TOYS – SHARE! CLOTHES – SHARE! I EVEN HAVE TO SHARE A ROOM NOW. SERIOUSLY, CAN’T A GUY GET SOME SPACE AROUND HERE?


I SAW ON TV THAT ANIMALS PEE ON THINGS TO MARK THEIR TERRITORY, SO A COUPLE WEEKS AGO I FOUND MY OPPORTUNITY. MOMMY WAS SO HELPFUL, SHE LET ME WEAR UNDIES INSTEAD OF A DIAPER AND SAID (NO MORE PEEING IN THE DIAPER) SO I LOOKED FOR SOMETHING TO MARK AND I FOUND MY TOY TRACTOR AND WAGON IN MY CLOSET THAT LUKE KEEPS TAKING FROM ME, SO I FILLED THAT THING TO THE RIM WITH BRIM... IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.


WELL IF 2009 IS HALF AS ENTERTAINING AS THIS YEAR, THEN... UH... UM... WELL I AM ONLY 2! AND 3 SHOULD BE A BLAST, YOU REALLY OUGHT TO STOP BY AND GET IN ON SOME OF THIS FUN. I’M PLANNING ON GOING TO THE BAR SOME MORE. HOW MANY TODDLERS GET TO DO THAT? WE HAVE CHURCH THERE EVERY SUNDAY NIGHT. I HOPE WE SING (THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE) SOON, NOW IT HOLDS A WHOLE NEW MEANING. SO, FROM MY FAMILY TO YOURS, MERRY MisSMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR. I’M GONNA LET IT SHINE, AND YOU SHOULD TOO!


Benjamin Bolte


(I just love Howard! He really does have the best sense of humor. If you know him, you know he is a man of few words. He is a quiet type, but when he does speak it is worth listening! :-) )

Monday, December 22, 2008

10 Months Without Him









We are missing you so much sweet boy! This would have been your first Christmas. We cannot help but think of all of the could have beens though we know you are right where God intended you to be. We love you so much!

Seeing Christmas in a Different Light


I am finding that as we prepare to celebrate Christmas I am seeing the whole thing in a different light than before. Last year I wrote a couple of posts about this here and here. It is interesting how your perspective changes as life changes. I have for so long looked at the Christmas story and the immense Joy of Jesus' birth. Until last year I had never thought about what things must have been like from Mary's perspective.


A teenage girl, unmarried and pregnant. That in and of itself is frightening. That wasn't all though. God had CHOSEN Mary to carry His son. A son who would be a gift to all people, but who would ultimately suffer and die a painful death. Mary must have been in one way so honored that God had chosen her for such an important task, yet how overwelmed she must have been thinking of the magnitude of it all. After all she was human. She was a mom and she must have agonized over the idea of losing her boy.


Mary in no way felt ready to deal with any of this I am sure. I am sure she was confused and hurt and maybe even angry. Yet if we look at her prayers in the book of Luke, we know that though she did not understand she chose to praise God. She believed without a doubt that through the suffering she would endure, that God's mighty arm would bring it all around to good.


I guess I have always looked at Christmas as the joyous time, and Easter as holiday more lined with sorrow as Christ was crucified, yet now, standing where I stand, I look at the BIG picture of that story and though each of these hoildays are cause for celebration, I see more and more how suffering was necessary to bring blessing and though the birth of Jesus gives us great reason to rejoice, it also reminds me that sometimes the path we are chosen for is really tough, but God's mighty arm will always bring it around for our good.


I know last year I found it difficult to get into the Christmas spirit. I did not feel like celebrating as I had just received news that Asher (Happy) was not well. It has helped me to really fully celebrate Christmas by looking at the BIG picture, not just the joyous birth of Jesus, but the suffering that had to be endured for each of us to receive the best gift we could ever imagine. It helps me to remember that sometimes our greatest gifts come in packages we would never have chosen.


This time of year is hard. It is hard because two of my boys are not here to celebrate. There is a void in this family. The absence of Isaac and Asher in this home is so evident, but even though they are not physically with us, their gift remains. They have changed us from the inside out. We live life differently, we love differently, and we see the world differently. With all of that, we see Christmas differently. We can relate with Mary. We cannot know her pain, but we know we are not alone in ours.


My favorite Christmas song is Breath of Heaven, Mary's song. Each time I listen to the words of that song the tears begin to flow. I am certainly no Mary, but I relate. I encourage you all to take the time to look at Mary's prayer at a difficult time in her life, the Magnificat and I encourage you to go to my playlist at the bottom of this blog and play Breath of Heaven. I am in awe of Mary and though she likely did not know why of all people God chose her for this, she carried the cross she was given with incredible grace, praising God all the way!

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Happy Birthday Howard!

I truly could not be more thankful for the gift God gave me when I met Howard. He is the best husband and father to our children I could have ever dreamed of.

Saturday, December 20, 2008

He Ate WHAT??!!

This afternoon I had a conversation I never imagined myself having. It went a little something like this...

Me: Hello?

Dr O.: Hi! This is Dr. O calling back. I got your message. Ben ate a what?!

Me: (in my totally mortified, I am a horrible parent voice) Um...he ate a Christmas light.

Dr.O.: You mean he pulled it out and swallowed it?

Me: Um, no. (that would not be Ben's style) He grabbed the strand and chomped it right off of it's socket.

Dr. O.: (in disbelief) Ok, what was it made of?

Me: Glass.

Dr. O.: Do you think it is in one piece?

Me: No, he chewed it up. That was how I caught him. I heard the crunching!

Dr. O.: Okay, well it is likely nothing to worry about but I want you to take him to the ER to be safe to get an X-ray and see what is going on. Take the lights with you so they know what to look for.

Me: Okay, thanks!

Yes folks, you read that right, my incredibly brilliant 2 year old child ate a Christmas light this afternoon, curtailing any plans we may have had to prepare for Howard's birthday tomorrow and Christmas that is just around the bend. Life is never dull a day in the Bolte household, especially not since Ben came along...that kid is going to be the cause of every gray hair on my head.

That phone call was followed by brushing and swishing glass out of his teeth (seriously who eats glass? AND did I mention there was not a cut in his little mouth?) two hours in the ER. Re explaining the story to a triage nurse, another nurse, a doctor and a radiologist. I felt like possibly the worst parent in the whole world, but come on, who thinks their kid is going to eat a light right off the strand!?

Those who know me, know I would make my kids wear a helmet 24/7 if Howard would allow, I am big on child safety and have childproofed my home (or so I thought!) I was mindful when decorating for the season of the fact that there is a two year old in our home. No one EVER warned me about a child eating a light right off the tree! Poinsettias, yes! Glass ornaments, YES! Hooks, Yes! It never occurred to me that he might think a light looked tasty and sneak a taste right from the tree!

I will say that I am so thankful for the triage nurse who did NOT look at us like we were nuts and just said "oh my son ate a couple last week". To which Ben said, "I ate RED!" and without missing a beat she said, "my son ate blue!". Even if she was lying to make us feel better...it worked! (although in reality, have other kids REALLY eaten Christmas lights?)

All of that said, despite the slivers of glass working their way through his digestive tract, he is expected to make a full recovery. We have to feed him lots of fiber, and "binding" foods?! I have cut the said light socket with the shards of glass he missed sticking out of it, out of the strand to tape into his baby book so he can remember what a "bright" kid he was! He gives a whole new meaning to "Let Your Light Shine" which is appropriately a verse displayed on the wall of our home! Maybe I should hang the broken light there!

Friday, December 19, 2008

Our Children...Our Future

Wednesday afternoon the boys and I ventured to Howard's school for the afternoon. They were so excited to see where their Daddy works and to go to big kid school. We packed lunches and headed out around 11. When we got there we ate lunch in the lunch room with all the big kids. Part of the reason Howard had invited us was because he was excited that a project he had wanted to try was coming to fruition that day. It was called "Mix it Up". It is an effort to teach tolerance. The kids were assigned different lunch tables from the one they typically sit at. They were forced to sit with other students they would not normally have hung out with and after lunch they did some discussion with that same group and a team building activity.

I was so proud of Howard when he told me with great excitement his plans for the day. I have to admit though that seeing it in action was much different than I anticipated. It has not been long since I was in the public school system teaching. Quite honestly, I do not remember kids being SO disrespectful, rude and hateful toward teachers and toward each other. I was especially surprised by the behavior of the girls. They were so cruel to each other and so disrespectful to the teachers. I was stunned. All I could think as I sat there was "no wonder Howard is so frustrated when he comes home each day!" and "there is NO way my kids are going to a school like this". Those were my initial reactions.

Howard met great resistance with this project. Yet he stood his ground and went on with the day. I could see the disappointment in his face, but he kept going. Some students certainly did not get the point and were just going to be belligerent, but others did. I am so thankful for Howard. I admire so much how he goes back into a school where his hands are tied in so many ways and tries to be a beacon of light if only to a few who respond. I was actually impressed by ALL of the teachers that day. They are an amazing group of people!

We then were blessed to stay for the band and chorus concert which Luke and Ben THOROUGHLY enjoyed! I am so glad we went, it gave me a whole new appreciation for what Howard does everyday. I think I had forgotten the battleground that is a middle school classroom.

All that said, I have to say it saddened me to think of these students. I wonder sometimes how we got to this point. The point where it is acceptable to be rude to teachers and to eachother without consequence. The school makes attempts at discipline, but basically their hands are tied as there is little support from parents. Children learn by example, and I must say I am a bit worried about the example they must be learning from.

Now don't get me wrong, I KNOW this is not the case for all students. There were also great students who were respectful and kind. I know that some parents are involved with their children's schooling, but I think as a society we are dropping the ball with these kids.

Which brings me to another point...in the past week or so I have gotten a few "anonymous" comments asking why I don't just get a job. I had let the comments go thinking I didn't want to give a voice to those who are just trying to stir up trouble. I have since felt led to share with you honestly where I stand on that issue, maybe the questions were posed out of honest curiosity. Though I do not have to defend myself or the decisions Howard and I make for our family, I want others to know that there is great VALUE in choosing to stay home, value beyond the salary I would earn outside of my home.

When Howard and I married, I was the one with the good job. I paid the bills so he could go to school. I carried the insurance. I had a steady secure good job that I enjoyed. After finding out Luke was on his way, I assumed I would have him and head back to work six weeks later.

When Luke was a month old Howard got a teaching job in St. Mary's PA. About three hours from our home and we felt that it was something we needed to do so Howard could get some experience as teaching jobs are not easy to come by in Pennsylvania. I left my job and we headed to St. Marys and spent a year there. This was my first experience as a stay at home mom. I was in a town hours from anyone I knew. (and if you know the area, saying there isn't much to do, is a gross understatement). It was hard, but I could not imagine not being there for every one of Luke's milestones. I am so thankful God took us in this direction to force me into my new job.

The following summer Howard was hired where he is now and that was a complete blessing. We were able to move back home and soon found out Isaac was on the way. After having to let go of Isaac so soon, I knew that I would never go back to work again until my kids were in school. I became so keenly aware of how precious each moment with my children would be.

I have mentioned in previous posts that we struggle financially. This is true. When I sit down to do our budget, the amount going out is greater than the amount coming in and yet we always make do. I have asked God to show me what I am to do and I feel he has answered me loud and clear. He honors the decision we have made to be good stewards of the gifts he has given by always providing for our needs. He has also provided me with a "paying" job that I can do from home in the evenings to make the extra money we need to get by.

Money is a tough issue, but after doing the math, we would not solve our money problems by my working. I would be working to pay childcare expenses and I would not have the opportunity to prepare my children for life. Please hear me on this. I am not in any way saying that staying home is the answer for every family. I cannot pretend to know anyone else's circumstances or family. For us it was clearly the answer. My going to work would not answer our financial problems, in fact we are certain it would only bring on a whole host of other problems. If we have to struggle through this stage of our life, so be it. We will cut out extras. We live a simple life and we are happy.

1 Corinthians 3:10-15 By the grace God has given me, I laid a foundation as an expert builder, and someone else is building on it. But each one should be careful how he builds. For no one can lay any foundation other than the one already laid, which is Jesus Christ. If any man builds on this foundation using gold, silver, costly stones, wood, hay or straw, his work will be shown for what it is, because the Day will bring it to light. It will be revealed with fire, and the fire will test the quality of each man's work. If what he has built survives, he will receive his reward. If it is burned up, he will suffer loss; he himself will be saved, but only as one escaping through the flames.

Our children are the greatest gift God has given us. Howard and I are so very aware of the honor it is to be the stewards of these gifts and it is a responsibility we do not take lightly. God's word tells us to:

"train up a child in the way he should go and he will not turn from it." Proverbs 22:6

That IS my job for right now. It is the hardest most frustrating, exhausting, overwhelming job I could ever have imagined. I know it is not something that is possible for everyone and I am so grateful that we have been able to make it work. It has been more rewarding than any job I have ever had and my heart overflows with joy that I am the one training my boys. I am the one equipping them with the tools they will need to be a light to the world. We have had to make sacrifices, and it is a struggle every month to pay the bills, but it is so worth it. God has been so faithful.

Psalms 127:3-5 Sons are a heritage from the Lord , children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their enemies in the gate.

It saddens me that the stay at home mom profession is no longer valued. If a woman doesn't go to work she is often looked down upon. Like I said, I know it is not something all moms can do, but I do think it is a job that we should value and respect. Our children are our future, and if we don't train them up in the way they should go who will?

Deuteronomy 6:6-9 These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. 9Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

I have found great joy in things I had never imagined could bring joy. I love taking care of my home, cooking meals for my family, even changing diapers. I praise God that I have been blessed enough to have been given this family to care for.

God is very clear about the importance of raising our children. On paper our finances make no sense, but I assure you God has been so faithful to us. We have not missed a meal, we have a warm home and our needs are all cared for. I said before that I am not telling you that I think all women should stay at home, I know it is not a possibility for some, but I would challenge you to pray about the situation you are in and ask God to show you what He has for you to be sure you are not missing out on His blessings. He IS faithful and if you earnestly seek Him, He will show you the way!

Tuesday, December 16, 2008

An Empty Crib

Last night in our home, a crib stood empty. Despite our circumstances it is the first time in a really long time that this has happened (and the children were not in our bed). Benjamin wants to be more and more like Luke each and every day and last night he moved into his "big boy bed". We had not planned ahead for this. I was working last night and while I was working, Howard took it upon himself to go and get a mattress from friends of ours who offered one a while ago and he prepared the bed for Ben, crisp sheets, blankies, pillows, even a bed rail.

I work from home teaching students online in the evenings so when I emerged from the bedroom after my four hour shift I was surprised by what I saw and a little taken back. I took a deep breath as this is something we have been talking about doing for a while. The boys were in the tub and I asked Howard if tonight would be the night we moved Ben into the bunk beds we purchased when we found out Asher would be joining us. We figured we would need the crib for him and we have a small home, so the bunk beds were a perfect choice.

Howard said it was up to me. He looked at me knowing that there was more to it than just having Ben sleep in different bed. When Asher did not come home from the hospital we did NOT come home to an empty nursery or crib. Ben's sweet little body slept sweetly in that space. There was not a physical emptiness in those places. One bunk bed stood empty but that was somehow easier to deal with.

After bathing the boys we PJed (I doubt that is a word) them and the four of us sat on the floor of Luke's bedroom and read a few Christmas stories. It was such a sweet time as Ben repeated "Do not be afraid! I bring good news!". Then Luke climbed to the top bunk and Ben cheerfully climbed into the bottom. He was so excited. As Howard and I said our goodnights and walked down the hall we heard "I love you Luke, good night!" "I love you Ben, Good Night". My heart melted. AAAAAAAAHHHH brotherly love.

Then as I got to the end of the hall and peered into the empty nursery where the crib also stood empty it hit me like a ton of bricks. Ben is growing up. He is such a joy to us, but my baby isn't still a baby, and the baby I had intended to sleep in this crib after him never will.

For now that crib, the crib we purchased for each of our children to drift off to dreamland in is empty. Two of our children have slept there and two of our children never will. I know this is how God intended it, but somehow it just doesn't seem right.

Monday, December 15, 2008

Honored


I am honored to announce to all of you that our family will be the March of Dimes Ambassador family for our area for 2009!
I cannot tell you how honored we were to be asked and how grateful we are that we will be able to share our children's lives with so many people. We were somewhat shocked when we were asked as the ambassador family is "typically" a family who's child has overcome great odds, usually was born premature and despite all of that is doing well. We are very excited for this upcoming year and what God has in store for us! I pray that this platform will bring glory to Him and the amazing gift he gave in the form of our children, all children for that matter.
Thank you to all of you who have supported the March of Dimes this past year in honor of our boys. It was your enthusiasm that drew the attention to our team.
We will be getting geared up for the March for Babies 2009 in January and we would love for you to join our team...more details to come....

Friday, December 12, 2008

A New Hope

I have been feeling unsettled lately. Some of it has to do with our finances, some of it has to do with the quickly approaching holiday season that I love so much, yet tugs at my heart, some of it has to do with missing Isaac and Asher, and some of it has to do with my hope for this new baby.

(One thing at a time Kristy!) So I have tried to remain in prayer about these things as I know I am to be anxious about nothing. Easier said than done I have to say, but I have made a bit of headway in one of those areas.

As I pray for this new baby I cannot help but be a bit confused as to how God would have me pray. So I just tell God that. I tell him that I know his plan for my life is perfect, but that I desperately want this baby to come home with us. I say that I know he will bring us through whatever comes and that I am so keenly aware of what a gift this new life is. He has blessed us. I know that He gives, He takes away, and yet we will praise Him. I am His daughter first, but I am also a mommy, a mommy that wants her children with her. Ultimately I do pray for His will to be done, but I also want my baby. That is the truth...that is what I tell Him.

As I struggle with how to feel about all of this, God is answering. He has several times in the past week reminded me of something.

At the support group I attend this past week a very wise woman reminded me that this baby is not Luke, Isaac, Ben or Asher. This is a NEW baby, a new life, and a new hope. God has given us children and he has taken children and that is our experience, but that does not mean he WILL choose to take away again. She told me just to remind myself that this is a different circumstance, that while I should continue to allow what God has done in our lives, shape and mold our future, I cannot continue to look back in fear.

In addition to her words, several people have brought my attention to a scripture that has also showed up in several of my daily readings. Coincidentally?? Not a chance.

This is the scripture He is reminding me of:

For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

I cannot pretend to know what lies ahead for this new little blessing or for our family, but this baby is a new life, bringing new hope. He/she does not in any way replace anything that has been lost, nor does our hope lie in him or her. Our hope lies in God. The God that is doing something new in our life, adding a new chapter. He is the author of this story and we do not know how the chapter will go, but what we can be sure of is that this is a new experience and that no matter what he will lead us through it giving us the grace and strength to greet each day with new hope.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

What's Behind the Photo


This picture was taken last weekend before church at our church. The Advent series this year has been titled "The Christmas Picture, What's Behind the Photo?" It has been a great series!
As I look at this picture, my heart aches, two of our children are missing from this photo, yet to someone who just looks at the picture it likely just looks like a normal family with an unhappy redheaded little boy! :-) At this time of year, many of us take family pictures for cards or gifts or whatever, and behind each of those pictures there is a story. Many times, a story that could not even begin to be told by the image in the photo. I want to thank the many of you who have shared your hurts, your pain, your joys and your stories with me.
Though the photograph above is incomplete, it is also a portrait of true blessedness, I rest in hoping that one day that photo WILL be complete!

What's in a Song?

Last Mother's Day, a good friend made a Starbucks run for me and dropped off with the cup of yummy goodness, a cd, a bright orange cd of songs she had put together for me that she enjoys worshipping to. (aww...Julie, you made me a mixed tape) :-)

Anyway, I wrote about the significance of that CD and a certain song on that CD a while back.
The song I referred to was by a fantastic group called Overflow, the song is called Cry on My Shoulder (it is likely playing as you read this because it is the first song on my playlist). It is literally one of the greatest songs and has had a significant role in my journey especially as a reminder on the hard days that though I feel alone, I never am. I now have that song on my ipod and Tuesday night I headed in to a support group meeting for bereaved parents and I put that song on repeat. I had been feeling so confused about life and how I should or shouldn't feel. I sang along over and over and over and over and over, it is a 30 minute drive so you get the picture.

That song has been such a comfort to me. It is such a great reminder that our Father's arms are always outstretched and there to hold us when we are weary from life. He will pick us up and help us put the pieces of life back together if only we allow Him. So, yesterday after listening to the song a few times I decided that it should now be the first one to play on my blog. It is the song that is pulling me through my days right now. So yesterday, I switched it. It had always been on there, I just moved it to the top spot.

I cannot tell you the comfort this song has brought and how even when I feel so frustrated with God, if I put this song on and just allow the words to take over, as I worship my God, it is like a sudden calm and healing comes over my heart. I am so grateful for this song. It is really a song of hope.

So I cannot even pretend I wasn't crying in my keyboard in amazement of our God this morning as I checked my comments and found one from the bass player of Overflow, who's wife apparently has been keeping up with our story and shared it with him. What an encouragement! (Thank you Josh and Anne!)

God is so good!

Monday, December 8, 2008

Permission to Dream

At this time last year we had just received news that there was likely something wrong with Asher. I was 20ish weeks pregnant and I was quickly seeing the dreams I held for my fourth son slip away. It was such a tough thing to spend the rest of my pregnancy trying to enjoy my baby yet not getting to decorate a nursery, prepare our home for another child, or any of the "normal" stuff a new mom does. In some ways that was excruciating. In others it was a blessing.

You see, with Isaac, we had no idea until the day we had him that anything was wrong. Our home was prepared, our hearts were prepared to bring home our little boy. That did not happen and when we came home empty handed, we came home to a home fully prepared for a newborn. It tore my heart out to have to put all of the baby stuff away after coming home. There was evidence of a baby in our home, yet no baby.

Now I find myself in limbo. Here I am again expecting a new baby. Yet I have NO idea what to expect. I have spent the last three months struggling with hoping for the best while trying to stay grounded and remind myself of the reality that we may be asked to walk that road again. We may yet again come home empty handed. That thought literally brings me to my knees.

I spend the majority of my days trying to push the idea that I am pregnant behind all of the other things I have to do for the day. It is becoming harder to do as my body is changing. This is my fifth baby and I have to say that with each of those babies my body has begun changing a bit sooner than the last time. :-) As I look down and see my growing abdomen the dreams begin to pop into my head, dreams of names, nursery colors, baby showers, and then just as quickly as they sneak in, I shove them away again. Afraid to get my hopes up.

I find myself wondering at what point I will allow myself permission to dream those dreams for my baby. I find myself longing for the blissful innocence of my first pregnancy. I want to be giddy with excitement at the prospect of bringing home another little blessing, and yet I am afraid to let my heart go there.

I know that there is a good likelihood that everything will be fine, I know God can make that happen, I know he is capable of anything, and yet he has chosen the other path for us twice. I am still very confused as to how to pray for this baby. I know I need to pray for God's will, but as a mom, I cannot also help but hope that this baby lives. I cannot help but cry out to God and beg him to allow me to watch this little one grow up with his or her brothers here on earth.

Our next ultrasound is December 30, we will have another one four weeks after that. It is likely that we will have a good indication as to how God has knitted this little one together by then, but I am wondering at what point in this pregnancy I ill be able to breathe. When will I give myself permission to dream baby dreams?

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Adventures in Potty Training

Ok, so I didn't share this last week but as I think about the hilarity of the situation. It is a story too good not to share.

So, Ben is just over two and MY goal is to get him out of diapers before the next Bolte arrives. So a day last week I decided, this is it, we are going to put undies on. So I let him choose from the cool new underwear I had gotten him. He chose a Diego pair. He was psyched. So we talked about it all and how he needed to pee in the potty, NOT in his undies. He nodded, (This is actually something he does understand, he does it when he wants to). So I put the focus on having dry undies....

About ten minutes later I was standing in the kitchen and Ben came out grinning from ear to ear. "Mommy, I peed!" he exclaims! This sparked my curiosity because I was in direct line of sight of the potty and he DID NOT use it. So, I checked his undies, Diego was dry! YAY! So I said, ok, Ben where did you pee? "I show you" he responds. So I follow him into his bedroom. Do keep in mind we have ALL wood floors so I knew clean up wouldn't be a nightmare. That is until he leads me into his closet! Yes, his closet! I look and I don't see a puddle anywhere. Then, I saw it. He was pointing to his Little People tractor. There in the wagon it was. My son had pulled his undies down, aimed and filled his tractor wagon with pee! :-)

I could not help but laugh. He was so proud. I have no idea what led him to believe it was a good idea to pee in his wagon, but he sure did. So we talked about the fact that pee belongs in the potty and we walked the tractor and wagon to the potty to empty it and then placed it in the bathroom sink so I could disinfect it. I could see he was disappointed that I was not as enthusiastic about his accomplishment. He proceeded to ask for his diaper back. Ugh, maybe another day. He sure is a one of a kind!

Though I must admit I am encouraged by his accomplishment. He gets it, and if he can aim into a little three inch by three inch wagon, he is ahead of his dad and brother! :-)



Remembering During The Holidays

For those who have lost a loved one, a child, a parent, friend, spouse, etc the holidays can be an especially difficult time. It is often a time where we think about that loved one and how we had hoped to spend the holidays with them.

There are some things we do in our home to keep our boys with us at the holidays and I thought I would use this opportunity to share them with you and if you have any traditions or ideas, I would LOVE to hear them.

So, here are a few of the things we have found helpful....

~ We have ornaments we get each year for EACH of our kids so we still get ones for Isaac and Asher too

~One of the hardest things for me after Isaac died was filling out Christmas cards. It felt wrong not to include him in the signature. So....we for the past few years have done cards from the March of Dimes. They include a little card that says that money was donated to the March of Dimes and on that card I write in memory of ... and he is then included.

~Each year we "adopt" a child Isaac (and now Asher also)'s age. We purchase Christmas gifts for them and donate them to a family who needs help providing gifts at Christmas. This way, though we are not shopping for them, it fills that void and helps someone else.

I think there are a few more but that is what I can think of at the moment. Please feel free to share your ideas!



Monday, December 1, 2008

So Far So Good...

Well we had our ultrasound this afternoon, I did pretty well all day and just kept giving it to God, but when we got in that elevator and I hit the button for the third floor my heart sank. Every worst case scenario ran through my head. Then I again gave it to God.

It is still early. I am only about 13 weeks so we knew it was likely things would look good. They always have at this point. I am so thankful that the ultrasound technician took the time to read our WHOLE chart before coming out to get us. She was aware of what our prior problems have been and was great at reassuring us. She measured the baby from crown to rump, measured the nasal bone, the nuchal fold, the arms the legs, the belly and the head. Everything looked perfect. The heart was beating at 178 bpm (you can all make your own assumptions based on that).

So for now everything looks fine and for that I am so grateful. Our next scan will be December 30 and this one and the one following will be better indicators of head and brain growth, we now have a measurement to compare the next ones to. Asher was 19 weeks when a problem was suspected.

I am finding myself so excited and hopeful and yet I feel like I am guarding myself still. I want to fully believe that I will get to bring this baby home and know what it is like to be a mommy to a newborn again, but I know there are no guarantees. I am just continuing to pray for this baby and the development. We obviously do not know the gender yet, and that doesn't matter to me one single bit. I know God is knitting this baby together perfectly. My mommy heart though really wants to be able to watch this one grow outside of my belly.

We covet your continued prayers, we know that all things are possible with God! We are expecting great things from this little one!