Sing A New Song

May has been a whirlwind month thus far in our crazy household, between social worker visits, baseball, therapies for both babies, doctor visits, baseball, specialist visits, sickness, baseball, daily household chores, school, baseball, (did I mention baseball?), we have been going nonstop. It has been hard. The kids have been wired, they are ready to be all done with school and outside, the babies are growing and into everything and well, life with a 9 year old a 6 year old, 3 year old, 15 month old, and 8 month old is shall we say, BUSY.

Most days I barely have time to shower or pee let alone anything else. I am a person who likes to have unscheduled time to just go with the flow and enjoy life with my family and this month I have something and most days multiple things written on every single date on the calendar. There are times where I feel like it is suffocating me. Foster care has stirred my heart in a way I didn't see coming and my intimate knowledge of the brokenness of the world some days threatens to consume me. A couple of days ago I had a day where I was pretty sure it would end with me in a straight jacket in a mental hospital somewhere.

It was nine AM on Monday, and despite my every effort I have yet to become a morning person. I had already fished an entire roll of toilet paper out of the toilet, changed four diapers, changed the sheets on a bed where someone had an accident, fished a barbie out of a different toilet, hung laundry on the line, burned breakfast, put dinner in the crockpot, swept floors, wiped tears, wiped three different behinds, text messaged with two bio moms, and it was almost time for a meeting to discuss some speech and communication issues that Jacob is having. I could feel my heart racing and I was grasping for some assemblance of sanity. I sat down to spoonfeed the tiniest mouth (that doesn't really care to be fed, resulting in me wearing more of the food than she eats).

I could feel every muscle in my body tense as Hope proceeded with her incessant demands and the boys began to bicker, Jake found himself atop the table next to the couch and was ready to toss the lamp we got for our wedding to the floor. Many friends and family members that week had taken the liberty of expressing their lack of understanding for why we'd take on kids that are "not our problem" and it had been weighing on my heart all week. As much as I try not to be a people pleaser, a running commentary was playing in my mind: "It is too much for you Kristy, take it easy for once", "Don't you think life would be easier if you sent the boys to school?" "You've already adopted one child, why even consider adopting another there are far too many families out there who'd just like one kid, you've done your part", "Finances will be too tight", and the list goes on. They'd been playing in my head all week, stealing my joy and robbing my kids of the mom they deserved. Doubt set in and I wondered if it all WAS too much, if it WASN'T time to take it easy for a while.

I sunscreened the older three and sent them to play in the sandbox, got Jacob settled with a basket of books to throw, and turned the TV to Pandora while I sat down to feed baby girl. One spoon of food in, one spoon of food sprayed across my once clean shirt, hearing the doctor's words of, "Adding feeding therapy, Shriner's Hospital, Pittsburgh Children's Hospital for feeding evaluation" all came to mind. I began to tear up and then...I heard a familiar tune. God was about to use Pandora to get my attention and change the course of that day and the days to come.

I breathed in the music as it played and through tightly pursed lips I began to sing, "Everyone needs compassion, a love that's never failing, let mercy fall on me..." I breathed deep and felt Him begin to fill me up, tears began to brim over..." Jeremy Camp's voice flooded my home as God bathed us in a mercy that was tangible. I sang louder and louder and the tears streamed down my face..."Saviour, He can move the mountains,My God is Mighty to save, He is Mighty to save." The words rang so true that peace came over me like I hadn't felt in days. I'd been so busy I'd been neglecting the ONE who could move the mountains and make it all possible. My priorities out of whack, I don't think I'd taken a moment to worship or sing in forever, my heart was parched and dry and seeking acceptance...trouble was...it wasn't HIS acceptance I'd been seeking.

"So take me as You find me,All my fears and failures,Fill my life again. I give my life to follow everything I believe in,now I surrender." I meant every single word as I sang...it was the most heartfelt worship I'd had maybe since, standing in church and forcing a weak voice through pursed lips as I sang "He gives and takes away, He gives and takes away...my heart will choose to say blessed be Your name" at Asher's memorial service. I am ashamed to say I'd forgotten the power of letting the words wash over me and just offering Him my whole heart and allowing Him to transform it.

I won't tell you that my life suddenly got easier that moment, but the peace I'd been missing was returned. My heart was full and His grace and mercy were so very evident. Perspective came, and I was reminded to find joy in the hard stuff, eucharisteo where to others it may not make sense. I know unequivocally that I am where God has placed me. Each of these children in my home are GIFTS, not burdens, GIFTS and it is an honor to love and serve them...and it is hard, and I am tired and sometimes I just want to hide away, but the truth is He has called me to this. I get to be the mom to two sweet boys and heaven, three boys and two girls HERE today, right now.

To many in today's world of American Dream Mentality, five kids, homeschooling, adoption, foster care, and self denial seems like an awful fate. I can tell you without a single doubt that it is anything but awful. It is such an honor that it brings tears to my eyes. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but today...in this moment, He is choosing to use ME, broken, selfish and imperfect ME. I am only one person and when I begin to look too far down the road I become so overwhelmed that the anxiety sets in...but each day...he is reminding me...moment by moment, grace for each one and not a moment too soon...like manna from Heaven, He is there, we start with just loving His children, and he blesses beyond what makes sense. He grants us the patience, the love, the resources, the finances when the need arises and he guides our path as we allow our hearts to be broken for what breaks His and as we make a feeble attempt to be His hands and feet.

It is too much, it is hard, and it is much much more than I can handle...this life...it just is...but not for my God...no...He can move mountains...I have seen Him do it...he IS mighty to save. I am so grateful for this reminder...brought to me by Pandora...there really is something to the "make a joyful noise" business. ;)

Sing a new song to the LORD! Let the whole earth sing to the LORD! Psalm 96:1

Sometimes I Want to Run (But I Don't Run) ;)

When we decided to go into foster parenting, we went in full steam ahead, knowing that is what God was calling us to. Then Jacob came along, and threw an unexpected and amazing wrench in that plan. After we got him home and things settled we were still both feeling the pull to foster. We figured we'd do it for a few years at least and be His hands and feet to as many kids as we could. We signed our contract in September of last year. We've provided a home temporarily for four little ones and had several respite kiddos. While it is truly one of the hardest things I've done, the foster shoe has seemed to fit. I feel like we are tangibly doing exactly what God wants us to do and I have truly never felt more at peace in my path even in chaos.

I have been more of a homebody than ever lately partly because taking five young kids out is a lot of work, partly because naptime is sacred, and largely because I am still working on that part of me that cares too much what others think. We've had more than our fair share of rude and condescending comments while we are out and about and while I know I should just let them go, they bother me. It bothers me that people think we are out of our ever loving minds to do this and that they somehow have the right to ask personal questions about how so many kids, the last two being so close together, came to be in our family.  I crave normal. I want to be just the regular girl next door, and the funny thing is that I have never been and likely won't ever be her. Following Jesus is radical and I know I am told to expect the criticism and stay focused. That said, it is still hard and I still struggle.

I look at my three older kids. If I had stopped with them, we'd be done with diapers, bottles, and all the baby gear that has engulfed my home. We'd also be being disobedient and likely just struggling somewhere else and we'd be missing out on the amazingness of Jacob and our foster daughter. I think it is human nature to crave easy. I won't lie, there are moments in the middle of the night when I am up for the sixth time with two babies who tag team me all night long that I think of or dream of how "easy" my life would be if I had just stopped with Hope. The thing is, it likely wouldn't be easy because if it weren't foster care it'd be something else. The thing is, this is where God has called us. The thing is, Jacob is a challenge for sure but is the most amazing kid ever. He has taught me so much, has humbled me in ways I have NEEDED and opened my eyes to so many things.  The thing is that God loves these children...and He expects US to love these children.

Foster care has wrecked me, broken my heart and made me want to run screaming for an island somewhere to lock my family in a bubble. The thing is...we are changed. Once we see the brokenness, it cannot be unseen. We can't turn away. We can't run away, if we try, it will find us...it will haunt us. Foster parenting has opened my eyes to the fact that all that junk we see on the news and try to shield our kids from...it is happening...for real...to real people...affecting REAL kids...addiction, prostitution, abuse, neglect, violence, sexual predators, they are all for REAL, they are breaking people every day and once our eyes are opened to this reality, we cannot run from it. It becomes a part of our hearts.

Today, we live with not just the awareness, but the intimate knowledge that not all children are fed, loved and cared for the way children should be. We have always known that this is the reality but now our eyes have truly been opened and we cannot look away. Once you’ve seen the face of abuse so horrific you’re sure you yourself wouldn’t have survived it, or have held a tiny child who has not had even some of their most basic needs met let alone been appropriately interacted with, you cannot turn back. It burns in your heart and in your mind.

Our family has been blessed to be able to love and hold a few children in our nine months since we’ve been licensed and our lives have been forever changed by them. Survivors in their own right, these kids are absolute miracles, but nobody has told them that. We get to. We get to love them and feed them and rock them to sleep at night assuring them that they are safe and secure and the next meal is sure to be served. There is a chance our current foster child will be our last for a while anyhow...it seems God has more in store for our family than we bargained for! Guess I won't be running away anytime soon. :)

What a Difference a Year Makes

It is hard to believe it has been a YEAR since I got on a plane and headed to Phoenix  to meet our sweet boy.  I sit here in tears as I look back at ALL the Lord has done in the last year!  Jacob has come SO far in every way possible!  He amazes me each and every day!  As I look back at what the Lord HAS done I can't help but look forward to what this year has in store...I have a feeling He isn't done with us yet!  ;)

Jacob's First Mommy Bath, April 24, 2012

Our Cowboy April 2013

Handsome Boy Easter 2012

I am SO glad to be home!  

Jacob meeting his Mommy, April 24, 2012

Jacob at the zoo with Mommy April 2013

Chaos

Yesterday I rolled out of bed, changed a diaper, fed a baby a bottle, put her down, fed the next baby his breakfast, made beds, got both babies dressed, got dressed myself combed my hair, brushed my teeth and greeted the older three children as they woke...they got themselves breakfast, cleaned up, got dressed and brushed teeth. During all of that, more than one child shed tears (I may have also), someone bled, someone peed on the floor and the UPS man delivered a case of toilet paper to my three year old daughter who was sure the package was for her...well...sure it is sweetie! ;)

We read a book, got math pages done, sunscreened children and sent them out to play. I tripped over a mountain of laundry the children had haphazardly thrown down the basement steps, picked up that laundry threw it in my only half working washing machine and set it to wash...put one baby down for morning nap, cleaned the aforementioned pee off the floor and took a deep breath.

I swept the floor, changed out the scentsy fragrance to give the scheduled occupational therpaist the illusion that my house was clean and serene. She knocked at the door as she has every week for nearly a year now and I greeted her, today proud that I was fully dressed in REAL clothes, not yoga pants and a tshirt. I had make up on and my hair was somewhat presentable. What I didn't realize was that my maxi dress, which was strapless had slid down below my bra and since my cardigan was only buttoned on the top button, well you get the idea. We laughed and she made a comment about how well I do with chaos. (at least I finally bought myself a NON Nursing bra?) ;)

She sees a snapshot. A small window into my world, we all put our best foot forward when someone else is watching, right? ;) The truth is that I don't handle it all that well, that I explode and mutter things under my breath and deny the grace that is so freely given to me most days. The truth is some days I allow the chaos consume me, but some days I don't.

The day continued and I took the kids to the zoo, all five by myself. I am certain some folks thought we were a zoo exhibit in and of ourselves, alas we had a fabulous time, the older kids were overwhelmingly helpful with the smaller ones and we stopped for milkshakes on the way home. We won't talk about the fact that I had to pull over, rearrange car seats and children because the smallest boy was beating the TAR out of the boys on either side of him and they were strapped in and defenseless. By the time we got home I felt like I used up all my "good mom energy" for the day, I threw some chicken sausages on the grill and got the boys ready for baseball practice. I could feel exhaustion starting to set in...it was that point in the day where you know if you sit down it will be ALL OVER. The boys headed to practice with Howard, I cleaned up dinner and fed a baby or two. I painted Hope's nails and brought clothes in from the clothesline.

Then...I sat down...with a book, while Hope was busy playing...and then my phone started buzzing, I looked and suffice it to say that there is just a LOT going on in our foster care case. I am praying hard for the family and have no idea what the outcome will be. We go to court next month and I am praying for wisdom and clarity as the time approaches...I find myself panicked with the prospective outcomes and my husband reminds me God provides grace for the moment but not for the future because it isn't here yet...trying to live in the moment is really hard sometimes, isn't it?

The truth is I don't do well with chaos. I like order and plans. The funny thing is that my life seldom if ever goes that direction...chaos, albeit organized chaos reigns most days. Foster care brings a chaos all its own and it is an infuriating, and sacred kind of chaos...like most things in life a paradox all its own. I want to plan life out and know what life will look like a year from now, heck, I'd settle for knowing what life might look like next week, I want to feel secure and settled, and yet God continually calls me to a state of uncertainty, gently pushing me to be reminded that my certainty comes from NO circumstance, my certainty comes from Him and it is a certainty I can always count on. I have got to do better about handing it all over to Him and residing in His peace and stability.

It DOES Hurt

If I had a dime for every time someone said to me, "I could never be a foster parent, It would hurt too much to give them back, I just couldn't do it.", well I'd be rich. That is the typical reaction when folks find out we are foster parents and for the most part I know that more often than not people just don't know what to say to that because in a large way it goes against the social norm. It extends beyond the American Dream of raising 2.5 kids in a big house with a white picket fence and retiring at 60 with a load of cash in the bank so you can travel and enjoy life then. It is uncomfortable, OY is it uncomfortable. It is uncomfortable as people stare as we wrangle five little ones into a grocery store visibly doing the math trying to figure out how we have some so close together, it is uncomfortable when the kids can't quite understand why her pictures can't be included on our Christmas card the way theirs can. It is uncomfortable when she has issues with the doctor or therapist and because I am not her mother I am not authorized to make big decisions.

Fostering is needed because of the brokenness of this world, much like adoption and because of that it can't be expected to be pretty or to feel good all the time. I will tell you however that there is a sacredness to holding a crying and scared little one and promising them that your home, now their home will be a SAFE place for them where they will have plenty of food to eat, clothes to wear, toys (gasp of their own), and hugs and kisses for however long they are there. There is a strange sweetness about rocking a sweet one in the wee hours of the morning, knowing that just for a moment you get to BE His hands and feet to her. I know that fostering isn't for everyone and that is okay. It just needs to be said though that most of the foster parents I know, don't do it because it is fun or it makes them feel good or for the money (hahaha!) they do it because it ISN'T about them. They do it FOR the children that God calls His. They do it inspite of themselves, because He calls us to. Sometimes it is beautiful, and often times it is ugly and it hurts like crazy.

I am still relatively new to this whole foster parenting world. We've only been in the trenches since the beginning of September, but we've seen four children placed here, all four leave, one come back and several respite children. Each time a child has left it has hurt. EACH TIME. Even when they were only here a few short days...they were ours for those days and we loved them as best we could. Most days between therapies, social worker visits, parent visits, doctor appointments, WIC and the like I am ready to rip my hair out, it is hard, it is time consuming and it often doesn't make sense, and yet I KNOW full well this is where he's called me.

Anyway, our foster girl, we've had for months now...of her short life she's only known a few weeks without us. The kids love her and we love her and she loves us. She looks for my face when she is scared, she screams like she's on fire if I walk out of her view. She looks at her foster siblings just as a little sister would look up to her big brothers and sister. She is our girl. In our hearts she will always be our girl. The truth is, that none of our kids are TRULY ours, none of them. Next month there will be a court hearing that will judge what happens next and who will be her mom for the next portion of her life. The mother who loved, carried, nourished, and birthed her will have to sit before a judge and answer hard questions, and this breaks my heart. This sweet baby has just this week begun visits with her mother and the father she doesn't know and to say it has already caused havoc on her sweet little self is an understatement, it is gut wrenching to see her have to go through such instability. She is freshly into the stranger anxiety phase and the next month is going to be hard on her, and gut wrenching for us...as we sit idly by and advocate for her as best we can. We know her mother loves her and that sometimes love isn't enough...we are trusting that the judge will see the whole picture and do what is right by this little girl, whatever that is.

I am the one who has been up countless nights when she just wants to party, I have been the one to take her to the ER when a cold grips her little lungs, I am the one who has worn her vomit when her belly hurts and her first mouthfuls of baby food as she sprayed them across my face. I have witnessed every single one of her firsts thus far and I am the one who sings her to sleep each night. It will hurt like crazy to let her go if that is what I am called to but I know loving her has been worth it.

If I were to tell you that my heart didn't sink each time she has to go and be with her biological parents, I'd be lying, though to tell you the truth though it would hurt, nothing would please me more than to see her family reunited and whole. I am not sure if that is possible but I do pray for it each day.

My point here is this. Even for those of us who are chosen for or choose this...it hurts a lot...we are not super human or unfeeling, we don't guard ourselves so that we won't be hurt and we aren't some kind of saint. We are every day broken people who know that sometimes God calls us to put it all out there...to lay our hearts on the line and allow it to be broken. Having Isaac and Asher taught us that no child the Lord gives is ever fully ours...they are His, and sometimes we have to let go...and it hurts...it always hurts...we serve a God who calls us to tough places and to serve Him and His people. This is our way of doing it...it hurts us just as much as it would you, we are just being obedient to what we are called to and trusting that there is a purpose that is greater than our pain because oh man...it DOES hurt.

Craving Easy

I sit here in tears as I type, feeling inadequate and exhausted. I am weak. Sometimes God calls us to thinks that leave us feeling overwhelmed and unequipped. Lately I have been feeling that he is calling me to things I am not capable of doing, things I am scared of and truly I want to run away and take a vacation somewhere, secluding myself with only my immediate family. While my heart wants to obey and say "Here I am Lord, send ME! Use ME!" my flesh screams "Uncle" and wants to give up.

Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. Matthew 16:24

Then I read this verse...I probably need to write it in sharpie on a wall or something, God calls us to follow Him...not to do what feels good or go with what comes easy, but to DENY ourselves and follow Him. Denying myself isn't something that comes easy to me. I look at my actions over the past weeks and I see selfishness, pride, lack of patience, misuse of words and insecurity. I've been ready to throw in the towel. God called us to fostering and I'll be honest and say I had no clue what I was in for. I figured it would be fun to take care of a baby for a while and love them while I could and then I could go back to my comfy life. The trouble is that once our eyes have seen...there is no turning back to a comfy life.

The trouble is that it is breaking my heart. I want to run for the hills when I see the brokenness of this world. I want to find a place to hide and be safe and stay there. I want to run from the discomfort and heart ache and yet God keeps calling me back to that very spot. He is breaking my heart for what breaks His and that is what I've prayed for. I knew of many of the issues birth parents deal with in foster care but I had no idea it would personally affect me so much. Addiction and abuse are real. They are ruining lives and causing so much hurt. I want to be mad and shut that out of my heart blaming the addict or abuser, and yet God calls us to extend grace...the same grace He extends to my short tempered, hot tongued, prideful self.

When I share my feelings and struggles, people are quick to say, well, give her back and focus on your family...it is okay to do that...and for some people, maybe that is. The trouble is that I KNOW full well that God has called me to this very place...this place of heartache and struggle. He is holding me here and I have been wrestling with all I have in me. I look at the things he has placed before me in any given day and I just want to vomit. I feel overwhelmed and inadequate and attacked. I keep fighting it and praying for easy...and last night as I prayed something became pretty clear...something I have KNOWN but have overlooked many times...

”My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor. 12:9

Everything feels like a fight for me, I feel like it has been beat out of me and I just don't have any fight left in me...and here is where I've been going wrong...I am trying to do it all...I am hard on myself when I fail and when I can't meet the expectations I have set for myself. The problem in that previous sentence is the repeated use of "I". I am trying to do it...so much so that I've forgotten that I can do all things...THROUGH HIM. I am weak, but He is strong...His grace really is sufficient...He has proven this to me time and time again and yet somehow my flesh takes over and I fight until I am so tired I just cannot fight anymore. I come to the end of myself and only then do I hand it over.

Taking care of five kids is tough stuff...especially when two are babies and fully reliant on me for all things, I need to rely on my Father more. I need to stop fighting and just let go and enjoy. I need to stop with the expectations of myself and the pride and the martyr attitude and seek his peace and choose joy. I have lost sight of what I am doing here and denied the magnitude of what I am doing through Him. It seems like changing diapers and wiping noses all day is mundane and meaningless stuff, and that is a lie straight from Hell. God has brought each of these dear children into my home so that I can be His hands and feet to them...the has brought children from my own womb and children from the womb of other hurting women so I can pray for them and love them and be Him to them...children and mothers...I cannot change them or force change upon them...all I can do is love them the way he loves the broken me.

When things spiral out of control it is important to remember who holds the control. It isn't me. That is for DARN sure. While my flesh wants to justify giving up and taking a season of easy, my heart knows that sometimes residing in the brokenness and pain is where God calls us, and he calls us to find joy even there and it is hard to do and easy to forget. Sometimes though in order to do what he has called us to...change has to occur...and I am feeling that here...I have got to be more gentle with myself and with my family...I have got to let go of having a perpetually clean sink and let the dishes pile up sometimes...I need to get myself into my Bible and immerse myself in TRUTH each and every morning to arm myself against the lies that come at me all day long.

Because I love Him so much, I know it is worth it to deny myself and follow Him. I know that while I am SO not capable of doing all that is before me, that with Him I can do all things...and the miracle of that starts with choosing joy. Today, I WILL choose joy!

A little update

As I am sure you can guess, being a mom to five kids doesn't lend itself to being able to blog the way I'd like, but here is a quick update for those of you who are still reading!

Well, we made it through February. This year February was filled with birthday celebrations, excitement, sickness, puking, fevers, coughing, Asher missing, swimming, Build a Bear, and grace...lots and lots of grace. I can't say I am sad to see the calendar turn to March. I'd like to say that dates like my mom's birthday and Asher's birthday pass with ease, yet I found myself in tears even this year. I can't help but wonder what my sweet five year old would be like, what kind of cake he'd choose and what his prized gift would be! We took the kids to Build a Bear and made animals for his birthday and we found sweet Hope grieving the most as she never got to meet her other red haired brother. I still find it tough to get through February without thinking of where we were five years ago to the date...the sonograms, the tests, the hospitalizations, the results, the heartache, the joy, the grace, the love, and the tears. I am just grateful that we can continue to grieve with hope.

We are looking forward to spring and summer and getting outside more. Jacob is oh so close to walking and I know he is just going to love all of the activities that come with summer. He is coming into his own and his Occupational Therapist believes as of May he will no longer qualify for her services! This is great news, but we will miss her. He started speech therapy this past week and it was really intriguing. I wasn't sure what speech therapy for a one year old would entail but it was pretty cool!

The boys are chugging along with school work and exploring and using their imaginations like I'd never imagined they would without school. They are growing and becoming such amazing little men. I am so grateful that I get to be home and witness their lives. They are such a help to me!

Hope is as spunky and sweet as ever, she loves being a little momma to the babies and giving her older brothers a tough time...she is trying to figure out this world and what is "true" and "real". She is writing her name and drawing up a storm.

As for foster care....baby girl is still here. It is unclear if she will be here beyond her court date in May, but such is foster care. I find myself infuriated with the "system" most of the time as it is broken and often doesn't do these dear ones the justice they deserve...all we can do is pray for her and her family and know that God is sovereign over all if it.

All that to say, it is exhausting. When the stomach flu starts in this house it takes a full week to work through everyone and by then we've started on fevers, coughing and the next illness. I spent the afternoon yesterday, soaked in puke waiting for chest xrays for baby girl. Four hours in the hospital followed by insurance drama at the pharmacy had me ready to throw up my hands! As I expressed my frustration to my sweet husband, he gently reminded me that THIS is why people "could never do this" night after sleepless night, germs, foster care frustration and insurance drama aside, I am still confident this is where God has placed us. It is so easy to just want to throw my hands up and say, "I quit, this is not my problem", but then I am reminded that it IS my problem, it really is all of our problem. Quitting isn't going to fix anything, and God surely never quits on me, so we will press on.

Truthfully after a little quiet time, I realized what a privilege it was to GET TO sit there with that sweet girl in the hospital making sure she got the care she deserved. Someone has to fight for that precious child, and I get to be that Momma. I have no idea what the future holds for her and that is really hard, but I know right now, today she is safe, and loved and cared for, and truly, that is all I NEED to know.

All in all we are hanging in there, by the grace of God. Some days are merely about survival, others I fail miserably and others yet, I feel a sense of great success. By and large we are more blessed than we deserve to be and are really enjoying life as a family of seven and trying to live in the moment instead of always looking so far ahead, that is one blessing of foster care, you kind of have to adopt that view or you probably go crazy. :)

One of my greatest struggles though is getting dinner on the table during the that hour of chaos when everyone is home, hungry and full of energy. I am finding my crock pot is a very useful tool to beat the chaos...what are some of your favorite crock pot recipes?!

Jacob Adam Bolte

Dear Sweet Jacob,

I sit here tonight reflecting on this past year.  Your birthmom was getting ready to give birth to you a year ago and we had no clue what amazing things the Lord had in store for our family.  Honestly, if I hadn't walked the road myself I'd find our journey almost unbelievable, but God moved mountains and brought you from Arizona right into our Pennsylvania home right where you belong.

You challenge me every day, Bubba.  You have more personality than your little body seems like it should hold and everyone knows it.  You flirt and smile at just about everyone.  You are truly happy most of the time and are more strong-willed and independent than I was prepared for. You love your brothers and your sister.  They make you laugh and cry and all emotions in between but you are most content when they are near especially when I come in to find one of them in your crib snuggling you.  I wish you could have known your brothers Isaac and Asher, as I am sure they'd be smitten with you as well, and I so look forward to the day we are all together again.

The Lord brought you to our family and we couldn't be more grateful.  You bring sunshine to each day as we look at you and see the miracle you are.  You are loved by more people than I could ever imagine and your family extends beyond anything I could have dreamed for you.  You have strengthened our faith in God and our family as a whole.

You've humbled me as a parent as you've brought parenting challenges I thought I'd never see having raised three babies already.  You scream and make yourself known when there is something you want and we are very eager to hear the words you desperately want us to hear from your screaming gibberish.  You gnaw your crib rails like a beaver so I've had to rig up make shift crib rail covers.  You are determined and once you make your mind up about something you don't give up, and while I do hope that you don't scream and chew your crib as an adult, I pray that tenacity stays with you.  You are so strong and have endured much and I cannot wait to see how God uses you in the future as He has already used your life in big ways in one short year.

You love just about all fruits except peaches and all veggies, especially sweet potatoes and avacado.  You've recently become much more independent in eating wanting to feed yourself.  You also love to play games with all of us as you throw everything on the floor and giggle while we pick it up.  I am eager to see what you'll do with cake tomorrow.  :)

You've got eight pearly whites with more coming.  You love to have your teeth brushed and you are going to be upset to give up that bottle.  You love your blankie and you nuzzle your face into it as  you go to sleep.  You are as mobile as any one year old I've ever seen, you are fearless and adventurous and will likely give me several heart attacks before you are even school age.

You have a VERY special relationship with your Daddy.  You beam as he walks in from work and don't leave his side once he is home.  Most nights you worm your way in to our bed and secure your space there by sweetly saying "da......da.....da", (your dad is convinced you are saying his name, I say you are singing and am holding out for ma ma ma).  You love to hum and dance and you LOVE when the Wild Kratts comes on...you rock out to the theme song each day at 5 pm sharp!  ;)

Over all we are smitten with you and still have to pinch ourselves each day to believe God trusted US with YOU!  He has worked such a beautiful story in your life Jacob and I can't wait to live the rest of it out with you!  Your first year has been an absolute miracle and I have no doubt He has BIG plans for you and I am SO excited we will get front row seats.

So tomorrow we will spend a day celebrating you with family and friends, we will laugh, I will probably cry, and since the party is at naptime, probably so will you.  We'll eat good food and smash cake and eat open gifts, but the truth is, Jacob Adam, YOU are the gift.  A year ago we didn't even know you existed, and today, we couldn't imagine existence without you.  Happy Birthay, my son.  YOU are the gift.

You have taught me so many lessons I never knew I needed to learn and I thank God every single day for you sweet boy.  Your smile lights up a room and your sweet and strong spirit makes my heart swell.  You've grown our family in ways we could only have dreamed of and we are just honored and humbled to be your parents.  You are loved by SO many.

The February Funk

As we turn the calendar to a fresh page, the word "February" brings about an aching in my ever broken heart. Each year I think it will get easier and yet each year my heart sinks with the turning of that page. I suppose once you experience such profound loss it is normal to struggle with dates and months and yet the guilt that goes along with those feelings is often just as difficult. I wanted to be able to sit here and write a post about how the Lord redeemed our February as we will be celebrating our sweet Jacob's first birthday next week, and partly, that is true.

The Lord has blessed us and carried us through the Februaries prior to this one and I anticipate He will do the same this year...last year at this time on the other side of the country our son was preparing to enter this world and we had no idea of the miracle that was about to happen. I sometimes cry for the fact that I wasn't there when Jacob was born. We met when he was three months old and he spent those first three months in a hospital without me. I try not to dwell there though because that is not where the story ends. The Lord worked a magnificent story out last February, one that brought us a new son, the most adorable, sweet and spunky little man and I am so grateful and I cannot wait to celebrate him this year.

I guess the thing is that though we are grateful, though the Lord has worked so much redemption into our story, it just doesn't negate the loss. It gives us more reasons to rejoice, it reminds us of the fact that in Him we have hope, but it doesn't undo what's been done. Once again we are sorrowful yet rejoicing.

My mother's birthday is just two days after Jacob's. I am sure that it is no coincidence that our Father wove our story so that in each of the months we've experienced great loss, we've also experienced great joy and blessing. Isaac and Ben were born just a year and a week apart. This year has been really hard on me regarding my mother, as I have turned an age she never saw and I see the 9 year old I could have been in Luke, I am reminded that I never really got to be a nine year old, I was forced to grow up and fast, I lived the rest of my life without someone to call "mom" and I have a feeling that is always going to hurt. Therapy has been good for me.

February 22, 2008 we got to meet our sweet Asher, the boy for whom this blog was started. That same day he left Howard's arms for his Heavenly Father's and while that day was the most magnificent God filled, love laced day I have ever known, I can't help but wonder what my little five year old would look like. I wonder what the dynamics of this house would be like with a THIRD fiery red haired blessing. My arms literally ache to hold him just once more and know what kind of cake he'd pick.

For the past few weeks, Hope has been asking more about Asher as her brothers brim with excitement as his birthday approaches because we usually do something very fun as a family. The boys speak of Isaac and Asher frequently and we have a picture of each of them at home, but Hope never really paid much attention to any of it until very recently. She's had a lot of questions that I haven't been prepared to answer. Her little three year old mind is trying to wrap itself around death, something my 34 year old mind still struggles with. She asks hard questions about God, life, death and fairness, wide eyed and I just don't have the answers. We've tried hard to answer her questions honestly and directly without scaring her, yet there is so much loss, she is struggling.

A recent conversation with our sweet girl: Hope: Mom, are you going to die tomorrow? Me: Well we never know when we are going to die, but God tells us we don't need to worry about it sweetie, I will always be with you and as far as I know, I will be here to kiss you when you wake up. Hope: Ok, but your mom died when you were a kid right? Me: Yes, but that was different. I am not going to die like she did. Hope: That is good, but what about me? Am I going to get to grow up to be a mom? Me: I sure hope so! You are going to be a great mom someday! Hope: Well Will I get to be four or will I die like my brother did? Me: You will not die like your brother did. He was made differently than you. His body was only made to live a short time, you will not die like your brother did. Hope: I wish I could have him here. I never got to know him

Each night since, before she can fall asleep, she asks me if she is going to die tomorrow. Obviously none of us know what tomorrow holds, and I am at a loss for what to tell her. My heart breaks that my kids know such heartache and know death so intimately, and yet I've seen such compassion in them stemming from it. I tell her that I know that everything is going to be okay and stroke her hair as she falls asleep. She is just now realizing a little of what death means and she just doesn't understand and I think she is beginning to grieve the brother who came before her. We are thinking of taking her to "The Caring Place". I am at a loss, we do mention the boys but I guess I never imagined they'd be something she'd have to grieve since she came after them, but I guess I was wrong.

So, that is pretty much where we are...grateful that the Lord HAS brought such healing to our home, the happy days FAR outweigh the sad and I am very much enjoying being home and teaching them and enjoying them each and every day. We are blessed beyond what we deserve and we are SO excited to celebrate our little Jacob! His new birth certificate came in the mail just this week and seeing his name and our names listed as his parents was so surreal! We are SO very grateful. We can't wait to spend the 10th just celebrating and honoring the strong, special and amazing kid he is! Stay tuned for an "All About Jacob" post as I can't wait to share the progress he's made and all the cool things he is doing.

We will pray and cling to each other and God for some of the hard days, we will celebrate "Love Day" and I will have jury duty, doctor appointments, and birth mom visits with foster baby, I wish I could shelter our sweet kids from what it is to feel loss, but it is reality and I want them to always be able to express how they feel and talk to us so we will spend lots of time talking and hugging. We will be sad and we will cry and we will laugh until we cry. We will do many fun things and learn a lot together. We mourn the loss of my mom, their grandmother, and our son and their brother, but we will rejoice in the family the Lord has given us to enjoy here on earth and look forward to the day we are all together again. I am so very grateful we can cry out to God and grieve while praising Him that we can grieve with HOPE! I know we are going to be okay because I know the Lord's plans for us are GOOD! Sorrowful, yet ALWAYS rejoicing. February...a month of bittersweet! Praying for the strength to roll with all of it!

It's Hard

We took respite for the first time this past weekend. We love our little foster girl like our own and we hadn't even thought of using the respite days we get each month. We were then nudged to take them to give us a break so we don't burn out. A wise and seasoned foster mom (who also wanted to get a baby fix as she is our respite provider)advised us that it would be wise to take the respite and just reconnect as a family unit. Though we love our sweet girl like she is ours...the truth is that she isn't and that it is more than possible that she'll leave us in the coming months.

We took a mini family vacation and I have to tell you I could not believe how much easier things were with only one baby. ;) We had a great time and yet I kept panicking because I had that sneaking feeling that someone was missing. She did great and we came home recharged from our fun time at the science center.

As I reflect, all I can say is that this foster care stuff, it is hard. It is hard to love with abandon knowing full well it is likely your heart will be broken. It is hard to pour your whole self out onto five small children all day every day. It is exhausting to tend to two sweet babies who NEED to know that someone WILL repsond when they cry who do not sleep through the night. I could continue to give you a laundry list of all the reasons why it is hard and tiring. Life WOULD be easier if we turned a blind eye and just did what was comfortable.

The thing is, our life is so rich. It is so hard but it is so very blessed. God provides every resource, money, patience, time, etc. that we need and we see His hand clearly each and every day. Loving a child that is not ours that likely never will be ours, who we will not get to see grow is a risk and it is a risk worth taking...because I look into her sweet face and I know she is worth it. Loving another without thinking about how you will benefit or be hurt is a gift. While things are hard, tiring and exhausting...I have never felt so at peace in knowing I am right where God wants me.

Sometimes much like the Laura Story song playing on this blog, I think for my hard head, a thousand sleepless nights is really what it takes for me to know He is there. Living at the end of my own rope has taught me to lean hard on Him and expect that he will come through. So while I think it IS important for us to take a break now and then and really focus hard on the children that ARE ours, it is also important to keep on keepin' on. We are seeing our kids grow and flourish through the struggles we encounter and we just stand in awe.

I haven't had much time to blog lately as I've been a little busy with our crew, that is where we are though...We've begun using Amanda Bennett Unit Studies for our school curriculum and we are loving getting to do the majority of our work together, we are exploring recipes and using healthy whole foods as much as possible and we are excited to celebrate Jacob's first birthday next month! It will be a bittersweet month for sure as we celebrate his first birthday and Asher's fifth. This life is always a dance...between chaos and calm, grief and joy, struggle and peace and we are just learning to move with it and be grateful even in the hard times. Easier said than done, isn't it?