Sunday, November 15, 2009

November 15th, A Red Letter Day

On November 15th 2007, already knowing the heartache of losing a child, and being all too familiar with the way an ultrasound can change your life forever in ways you never imagined, we walked into a dark ultrasound room. Expecting our fourth child, the air was filled with joy, yet laced with fear. We laughed nervously and joked, all the while choking back tears and fright. We found out we were expecting our fourth boy and minutes later we were told we would likely not have the chance to raise him. His brain was lagging in growth.

The days that followed were filled with confusion and desperation. We prayed and prayed for our sweet boy, who we lovingly nicknamed "Happy" to be born healthy. I wasn't sure I could handle the loss of another child. I was not ready for the "options" that followed his diagnosis the following week. The only thing we were sure of was that this baby, our Happy, was a perfect gift from the Lord and we would trust the Lord with Happy's life. We dedicated our son to the Lord, knowing that though what was to come would likely be painful, his grace would be enough.

The diagnoses proved to be correct. We loved on our Asher for 35 beautiful moments that I will never forget.

Fast Forward 2 Years...

This morning, November 15th, 2009, aware of the significance this day held two years ago, I dressed our FIFTH gift from God in her Sunday best and stood on a stage in front of our church family and dedicated our Hope to the Lord, acknowledging the perfect gift she is. I cannot even wrap my mind around the emotions that filled me today. As pastor Bill placed his hand on Hope's head and said, "Lord, we are so thankful for Hope,..." Tears stung my face as I thought of the dual meaning of what he had just said. I stood there on that stage holding on to Hope, in that same worship center where I have so many times in the past few years held on to hope.

This is not a story of redemption or restoration. I do not believe the death of my sons will be redeemed or restored this side of Heaven, and I am learning to be okay with that, redemption and restoration will come. Hope's life does not make up for the loss of her brothers' lives and our hope does not lie in Hope. This my friends is a story of God's all sufficient grace. He gives and he takes away.

And as I stood in the back of the worship center this morning praising the God who gave me five amazing children, and took two of them away, I sang the words

"Your grace is enough for me
God I see your grace is enough
I'm covered in your love
Your grace is enough for me
For me"

I could not help but be amazed by the truth in those words. In the past several years there have been times that I was so deep in a pit that I never thought I would see the light of day again and times on the mountain tops that I just want to shout with joy to all creation. He has been there through it all. He provides grace enough for each day, never more never less, just enough for the day so that you wake up the next day needing Him just as much as you did the day before.

I am a HUGE fan of David Crowder Band (understatement of the year) and lately the song I OVERPLAY is "How He Loves Us". It is almost like I daily need to hear those words to remind myself that even on the hardest of days, God is there, He holds each of my tears in the palm of His mighty hand and He loves us with a passion we cannot even fathom. He never deserts us, even when we feel like he has, and his grace is always there and always sufficient.

I have no idea what you are going through as you read this tonight, maybe you are in the pit of despair, or maybe you are on a joyful mountaintop, either way, I can assure you God is there, his grace is sufficient, and He will not let go.


Michelle said...

Oh Kristy, I am so glad you shared this post with us! What a significant day of God's grace and hope!

mrsrubly said...

just got chills. this morning we sang that same song in worship!!! still thinking about Asher today! and praying for the whole bolte family!

Emily said...

My turn to Amen.

Whew. And what a wholehearted AMEN it is.

Love you and love watching God carry you over mountaintops and through valleys, too.

Can't wait to witness true redemption with you.

~*~ Allison ~*~ said...

What an amazing blessing... He gives & takes away.
I love how He gives us the songs we need to hear so we can make them our prayer & anthem.

Blessings to you & your family!

KK said...

He is good, indeed.

Stephanie said...

Without knowing it , you have spoken to my heart.Confirmed what I know, but need to hear so often... He will not let go!
Thank you, for your words.
Hope is beautiful, just as beautiful as her special day was!
God Bless!

Charlotte Ann said...

thank you! I sit here in tears, knowing that God has showed me a way that I can come out of the valley that I am in. That He alone is guiding me through with open arms. I needed this today.

Praise God for all that He does. Amen!

Again I say Thank You!

Faith said...

Love, LOVE that song!

Heather said...

Awesome post! I find it amazing sometimes how things can happen on the same dates. Thank you so much for sharing the pix of Hope's dedication. How beautiful! I pray that each day His grace covers you in a tangible way.

Laurie in Ca. said...

Another beautiful post Kristy. Your family's balance is perfect in His mighty hand. I love witnessing Him pouring His love on you. Love you too.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Unknown said...

Thank you for this post. I have had a rough year, including the miscarriage of a baby. I have felt like God has abandon me. I know it is not true but the feeling is still there. I got dealt another bought of bad news today so I really needed some uplifting. Thank you so much for sharing.

Unknown said...

Thank you for sharing this. I have had a very tough year, including the miscarriage of a baby. I have felt like God has abandon me. Although I know that is not the case, the feeling is still there. I got some more bad news today so I thank you for lifting me up.

Jason and Vanessa said...

Kristy what a great post! I have been having a hard few days thinking about Melody and Madison and your post was just so refreshing. To know pain but know that God is still good is such a blessing.

I don't know what I am trying to say but I praise God for your family. The Lord has used your boys and their stories to bring so much hope to us, knowing that God is enough. Through the pain, tears and doubt God is enough we don't need anything else.

Love you guys!

Mommato4miracles said...

God truly does walk with us through it all. The struggles we face and the heartaches we feel, are felt by Him too. He does love us so amazingly that He feels our pain as His own. Thank you for reminding me of this tonight as I struggle. May God bless you and your beautiful children. AMEN!!!

Rebekah said...

Im sitting here on this beautiful Saturday morning, to my left a window showes a beautiful sunset, and in front of me was a beautiful story of hope and happy...and I am crying my eyes out. LOL Thank you for this post and for the reminder of Gods all sufficient grace.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

So beautiful, heartwrenching and beautiful...what a picture of His grace (that indeed is enough)...

You are such a blessing...and the hope you have placed in Him (as well as the Hope) is truly inspiring...

May He continue to bless and carry you and your family...

By the way...I love the header...looks great...beautiful pictures of your beautiful family...

natalie said...

I've been reading your blog for a while now. I'm not sure if I've ever commented before.

Thank you for this post. I'm in a valley--a deep, deep valley of questioning and doubting and wanting so badly to TRUST, but not finding it within myself to do just that. We're struggling with secondary infertility and have lost two babies early in pregnancies. My deepest heart's desire is to carry another child to term and to raise him/her to love the Lord. But it doesn't seem to be His will for us and it's so, so painful right now.

Thank you for the amazing reassurance that His grace is sufficient all the time.

In Him,

Geri Kelly said...

Thank you so much- it has been a hard week and your post helped brighten my day.
Happy Thanksgiving.

Sheryl said...

Loved this!! Oh how HE loves us. If only we can truly grasp that.

Love seeing Hope being dedicated. I cannot even imagine the emotions that came over you and howard. She sure is precious. As are you.

God has brough beauty from your ashes. I don't mean in Hope, I mean in the way that you share Christ with others through your pain. You are a blessing to me and many others.

Praying that this season is one of indescribable joy!! Love you.