Friday, January 22, 2010
In one month our sweet fourth son would be TWO years old. My heart is hurting and is just so heavy today. I am SO grateful for each of my five children and I love them each so deeply as they have changed me profoundly. Even almost two years later though the grief is enough to just suck the wind right out of me. Life has been almost painfully normal recently and for that I am grateful, but it sure doesn't heal the hurt. This kind of hurt will not be healed this side of Heaven. Some days are just too much. When I woke this morning I had a hard time even setting my feet on the floor. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and just hide for the day (But Luke already missed the bus once this week)
Sometimes it might look like we have moved on and have found redemption. The truth is that we have surely moved forward, we just have no choice, but redemption will not be found this side of Heaven.
Last night I was watching "Private Practice" (gasp, I know), but on that show a man spoke to a woman saying he could tell she had lost a child because she had the "dead kid face" and when she asked what that was, he told her that just by looking at her he could see that she had been to a deep dark place where no one ever wishes to go and many will never know, and that she had survived.
It got me thinking...does it show? By looking, can you see my "dead kid face". Is the sorrow always there, in my eyes, or do I really hide it as well as I try? Either way, it still hurts, some days it is an aching and other days it is pure agony. Some days I can barely breathe. Today, I would give just about anything to feel the weight of my sweet boys in my arms just one more time, I would do anything to breathe them in once more and lay my eyes on their precious faces.
Lord, thank you for each of my five children, for Luke's hugs, for Ben's funnies, for the MIRACLE of Hope and for the amazing love and lessons of Isaac and Asher, my heart hurts for Isaac and Asher, and while I know they are healthy and whole and with you, a piece of me is missing. Please help me find peace with that today and help me to see what it is you want me to do with this sorrow as I know it is not for nothing.
PS Do be sure to keep scrolling down for the next post of the cute pictures of the kiddos!
Posted by boltefamily at 11:02 AM