Friday, January 22, 2010

One Month



In one month our sweet fourth son would be TWO years old. My heart is hurting and is just so heavy today. I am SO grateful for each of my five children and I love them each so deeply as they have changed me profoundly. Even almost two years later though the grief is enough to just suck the wind right out of me. Life has been almost painfully normal recently and for that I am grateful, but it sure doesn't heal the hurt. This kind of hurt will not be healed this side of Heaven. Some days are just too much. When I woke this morning I had a hard time even setting my feet on the floor. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and just hide for the day (But Luke already missed the bus once this week)

Sometimes it might look like we have moved on and have found redemption. The truth is that we have surely moved forward, we just have no choice, but redemption will not be found this side of Heaven.

Last night I was watching "Private Practice" (gasp, I know), but on that show a man spoke to a woman saying he could tell she had lost a child because she had the "dead kid face" and when she asked what that was, he told her that just by looking at her he could see that she had been to a deep dark place where no one ever wishes to go and many will never know, and that she had survived.

It got me thinking...does it show? By looking, can you see my "dead kid face". Is the sorrow always there, in my eyes, or do I really hide it as well as I try? Either way, it still hurts, some days it is an aching and other days it is pure agony. Some days I can barely breathe. Today, I would give just about anything to feel the weight of my sweet boys in my arms just one more time, I would do anything to breathe them in once more and lay my eyes on their precious faces.

Lord, thank you for each of my five children, for Luke's hugs, for Ben's funnies, for the MIRACLE of Hope and for the amazing love and lessons of Isaac and Asher, my heart hurts for Isaac and Asher, and while I know they are healthy and whole and with you, a piece of me is missing. Please help me find peace with that today and help me to see what it is you want me to do with this sorrow as I know it is not for nothing.

PS Do be sure to keep scrolling down for the next post of the cute pictures of the kiddos!

17 comments:

Allison said...

thinking of you today, Kristy

our family said...

Praying for you as you miss your precious boys and love on your three precious ones this side of heaven. I love love love the pics. of Hope and Ben. I always crack up at the antics and outfits of Ben, I have thought for a long time he would be a great match for my Pearl (3 yrs) and she cinched the deal recently when she chomped on a Christmas light bulb and bit it off (while it was plugged in). (As far as we could tell she spit out all of the pieces and was fine but I immediately thought of Ben doing that last year and was going to look up on your blog to see what you had done. (bet you did not know your blog was a great place to research that;) She also has quite a flair for fashion like Ben. She keeps us smiling and is the most lovable snuggly of our three here on earth. So if you are interested in an arranged marriage... HAHA
Hugs and Prayers
Rachel (not in Pa anymore moved back to Nashville Tn where Rose was born and DH and I met)

boltefamily said...

HAHA Rachel! Sounds like Ben and Pearl are perfect for eachother! Funny enough...my eating a lightbulb post is one of my MOST popular because parents google what to do when a kid eats a light bulb and it pops up! LOL

Sara said...

Kristy, even though we have never met in person, I don't think people can tell just by looking at us that we have a child (or in our case 2). Its not something I tell someone new that I met, but there usually comes a time where they find out and are always surprised and say they never would know just by looking at me. I think they are also surprised that I am functioning as well as I am. A lot of people have told me (who have never lost a child) that if they were to lose a child, they'd never want to get out of bed. While some days that would be nice to stay in bed all day, I have other kids to care for, so its not an option!

Dana said...

(((Hugs))) Praying for you as you try to balance the missing with life.

PS: Love the pix of your beautiful kids!

Heather said...

I'm so sorry, Kristy. I agree with you that the pain will probably not go away this side of eternity. I always picture the babies I've lost worshipping around God's throne, and while it gives me comfort, it makes me cry because they are not in my arms.
Saying prayers for you today that you would find great comfort and rest in God's arms.

Rebecca said...

Hmm. I wonder the same thing about myself. I wonder if people think I'm 'all better' because it looks like I have moved on. But you're right. With other children to care for and love on, what choice to we really have other than to keep putting our feet on the floor in the morning?

Remembering with you.

Trisha Larson said...

Kristy-

My son Nate would be 2 on March 5th. I've been feeling anxious too knowing that March is coming and that I should be planning a bday party.

I too wonder if on my "bad days" I have the dead baby look. I know that I look different now but it's because I am different. I lost my innocence but I've gained a lot of perspective.

I'm still hopeful that someday God will answer our prayers and give us a healthy baby. But it's been almost 2 years so I just don't know if that's His plan.

Right there with you!

Hugs,
Trisha

Mommato2miracles said...

Kristy,
I can't begin to know the pain that you are feeling, or the heartache. My heart breaks for you. I pray that God can make your heart smile in celebration for the lives of these two precious boys. That the sadness will diminish, and joy will fill it's place. Praying, praying...

Mary said...

You are right, the pain never goes away, and has a way of sneaking back to us when we least expect it. They are whole and perfect, but we are not...not yet.

Rebekah said...

I know what you mean about wondering if it shows. I feel as though my entire being is heavier sometimes.

Jenn said...

I know how you're feeling about next month. Matthew's first birthday is in March, and it really makes me sad. Though I'm happy for him, that he is such a beautiful place with Jesus, I am selfish at times, and want him back- even if it's just long enough to hold him, run my fingers through his baby soft hair and kiss him on the forehead. Praying for you and next month, that God will ease your pain.

Jenn

The Bailey's said...

I don't know if I can accurately put what I'm feeling for you in to words, but I will try...

I don't think to the casual observer they would think anything as sad as losing two precious children could be found in your eyes... but I think it is something to, in a way, be proud of. Not proud that you lost your children, but proud that you leaned on the Lord to get you through (and I don't believe "proud" is the right word, but I just can't put my finger on what IS the right word). You understand the deepest parts of God's love for us. Just as he gave up his Son, you have given up two of yours. Now that my precious Clint is here, I fear every second how fragile this life is. I look in awe at women like you who have the faith to know that God has a plan much larger than us as individuals and can remember that in even the darkest times.

And Kristy, your boys are proud of you. They are beaming down from Heaven saying "That's our Mommy. She loves the Lord so much that she puts a smile of for our brothers and sister even when it hurts to show them the power of God's love."

Know love and prayers are being sent your way from Texas today! :)

Kenzie said...

Hey there precious friend! I wanted to thank you IMMENSELY for all of the prayers and sweet words over these last several days for Maddox's birthday. Also I wanted to thank you for celebrating his birthday with a cake!! When I read that I literally started crying... that means the world to me! I love you and your friendship is such a treasure to me- cheesy, but oh so true! I love you friend. THANK YOU!

crystal.z said...

((hugs)). i think you're right. there is no healing of the hurt that comes with losing a child until the day we are reunited in Heaven. i know your sweet boy had a beautiful birthday celebration in Heaven. it's just so hard not to be celebrating with our little ones, isn't it?

mrsrubly said...

kristy, you have been weighing on my heart today and i just felt the need to write and let you know. i know Asher is looking down and he is so proud of momma!

Vanessa said...

HI, I follow your blog often. My baby is severely disabled and i know deep in my heart she will go to heaven sooner than later....so i grieve daily for the child i should have had and the child that will one day leave me...I think other people that have truly suffered can see the "dead baby" or for the "the suffered" look. I'm a doctor too and i've gotten really good now at seeing this things. Those mom's pause when i ask how many kids they have...i can just feel it. Obviously i'm not right every time, but i have met so many people who have truly suffered since i have been faced with my own tragedy. I think it also brings bonds between people easily.