I am a 35 year old mom of five precious boys and one sweet girl. Four of our children are here with us and two are in the arms of Jesus. Our sweet baby girl Hope was diagnosed with Dystrophic Epdermolysis Bullosa and our youngest son came to us through adoption, and I've recently been diagnosed with malignant melanoma the Lord has shown us just how Faithful He is. We will continue to Journey and follow Him where ever He leads. We feel very blessed that God chose us to be the parents of each of our kids, and we look forward to what He has in store for us in foster care!
In one month our sweet fourth son would be TWO years old. My heart is hurting and is just so heavy today. I am SO grateful for each of my five children and I love them each so deeply as they have changed me profoundly. Even almost two years later though the grief is enough to just suck the wind right out of me. Life has been almost painfully normal recently and for that I am grateful, but it sure doesn't heal the hurt. This kind of hurt will not be healed this side of Heaven. Some days are just too much. When I woke this morning I had a hard time even setting my feet on the floor. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and just hide for the day (But Luke already missed the bus once this week)
Sometimes it might look like we have moved on and have found redemption. The truth is that we have surely moved forward, we just have no choice, but redemption will not be found this side of Heaven.
Last night I was watching "Private Practice" (gasp, I know), but on that show a man spoke to a woman saying he could tell she had lost a child because she had the "dead kid face" and when she asked what that was, he told her that just by looking at her he could see that she had been to a deep dark place where no one ever wishes to go and many will never know, and that she had survived.
It got me thinking...does it show? By looking, can you see my "dead kid face". Is the sorrow always there, in my eyes, or do I really hide it as well as I try? Either way, it still hurts, some days it is an aching and other days it is pure agony. Some days I can barely breathe. Today, I would give just about anything to feel the weight of my sweet boys in my arms just one more time, I would do anything to breathe them in once more and lay my eyes on their precious faces.
Lord, thank you for each of my five children, for Luke's hugs, for Ben's funnies, for the MIRACLE of Hope and for the amazing love and lessons of Isaac and Asher, my heart hurts for Isaac and Asher, and while I know they are healthy and whole and with you, a piece of me is missing. Please help me find peace with that today and help me to see what it is you want me to do with this sorrow as I know it is not for nothing.
PS Do be sure to keep scrolling down for the next post of the cute pictures of the kiddos!
Go ahead and mention my child, The one that died, you know. Don't worry about hurting me further. The depth of my pain doesn't show. Don't worry about making me cry. I'm already crying inside. Help me to heal by releasing The tears that I try to hide. I'm hurt when you just keep silent, Pretending she didn't exist. I'd rather you mention my child, Knowing that she has been missed. You asked me how I was doing. I say "pretty good" or "fine". But healing is something ongoing I feel it will take a lifetime. ~ Elizabeth Dent ~
"When I Lay My Isaac Down" - Carol Kent "The One Year Book of Hope" - Nancy Guthrie "Holding on to Hope" - Nancy Guthrie "Empty Cradle Broken Heart" - Deborah Davis "Waiting With Gabriel" - Amy Kuebelbeck "Streams in the Desert" - LB Cowman "It Takes a Parent" - Betsy Hart "I'll Hold You in Heaven" - Jack Hayford "Crazy Love" Francis Chan "Radical" David Platt