Monday, July 5, 2010

Grief as Thick as This Humid Air

First of all, what is up with this weather! EW! This girl is NOT a fan of heat and today was a HOT one! Heat is the PRECISE reason our family would never survive any further south! :)

It has been one of those days. You know the kind where you just want to hide under the covers, go back to sleep, and try again tomorrow? Howard let me sleep in this morning because I have been up with Hope a lot lately as she is still recovering from her ear infection and antibiotic allergy attack (she is doing MUCH better). I got up and everyone was having breakfast so I poured myself a bowl of cereal and sat down. I had had a rash of several short odd dreams last night. I was trying to shake them off and just start new. As we began to eat, Howard asked if I was ready to finish the basement today. We are trying hard to simplify and get rid of all the "stuff" in this house and we are preparing for a big yard sale in a couple of weeks.

I said that I would love to get it done and out of the way, but with the kids I wasn't sure how much we would accomplish before bedtime. One of my dreams last night was that our basement flooded. We have had issues with our sump pump before so I figured it was just me reliving that nightmare and thought nothing of it since we haven't had much rain around here, it was well into the 90's today with humidity of about 500% and there would be no reason for a flooded basement. I got Hope down for a nap and the kids headed over to Grandma's and I headed down the steps to help Howard sort and price the rest of the "stuff". I have been struggling with a lot of the baby clothes stuff as I had shared before, but decided to put my big girl pants on and just do it.

I got four steps down when Howard yelled "Don't come down here!". I could hear the water sloshing all over as Howard walked and tears began to well up in my eyes. Over the past few weeks I have sorted and priced nearly ALL of the kid's outgrown clothes and going through the 3T and 5T stuff has been torture. It makes Isaac and Asher's absence so tangible that I feel I can barely breathe again.

Wouldn't you know that those very sizes of clothing are the ones that I just finished going through a second time?! I had to rewash and resort and price all of them because I had packed them in cardboard boxes that ended up soaked. As I sat there in the damp basement alone, the sounds of the washer, dryer, dehumidifier, fans, sump pump and blaring Ipod as I folded the John Deere tshirt that Asher would most certainly fit into today, I lost it. I sat there tears streaming down my face, missing my boys so much it physically hurt. I looked at the bin of clothes I was packing away for Ben for next year thinking that there should be no gap in clothes, no reason to pack things away, we should just be continually handing things down Isaac should be wearing those 5Ts.

The grief began to consume me and I just sat there on that milk crate shaking and crying. I miss them so much. There really isn't a moment that goes by that I don't think of them. As I watched their brothers play and splash in their wading pool (filled with water Howard pumped out of the basement) this afternoon, my heart yearned to see four boys splashing instead of two. It has been a hard day. Some days are like that. Some days it is work just to breathe and put one foot in front of the other.

Then as it typically does, it dawns on me that this anguish I feel is something that Isaac and Asher will never know. I am thankful for that. I am thankful that I can grieve with Hope, knowing that one day I will see them again, that one day every tear will be wiped away and we will know only joy. Sometimes this world just seems so full of pain and confusion that it is hard to wade through and choose joy over all of it. Those boys knew only love. They lived short lives, but beautiful lives.

My heart hurts, but I know that joy is a choice. I struggle daily to choose joy over allowing my grief to get a hold of me and keep me there. Grief is a place I visit frequently, but I just can't reside there. My eyes are fixed on Heaven and the blessings the Lord has set before me today. I have had the privilege of carrying and birthing FIVE amazing babies. I have two waiting in Heaven who have changed me and taught me more than my seventeen years of schooling ever could have. I have two healthy boys who love each other and love life. They remind me to enjoy the little things and have fun every day. I have a sweet baby girl who we weren't sure would ever be able to live a "normal" life, and she is as feisty and "normal" as any one year old. I have a husband who is a wonderful provider and loves his family with a passion. I am blessed. I hurt, I cry, I love, I laugh, I grieve, I rejoice.

For I reckon that the sufferings of this present time [are] not worthy [to be compared] with the glory which shall be revealed in us.
Romans 8:18



As crazy as it is, though I know all of this, my heart is extra heavy tonight. It may just be shear exhaustion, but I would covet your prayers that I am able to stay focused, with Isaac's birthday drawing near, I am feeling fragile and like I said, I can't deny my grief, I have lost something(s) so precious and I need to acknowledge it and visit my grief, but I can't live there. Praying tonight for the Lord to fill the empty place in my heart with more of His Spirit.



15 comments:

Emily said...

Praying with you, my beautiful friend.

Erika said...

kristy, tonight was a hard night for me as well. with the anniversary coming up, it hits me even harder...it's just hard. just when you think things will get easier, grief swoops back in. praying for peace for your heart (and mine, too)! ((((hugs)))

GigglyMomma said...

I have been following your blog for quite sometime and I can't imagine the grief you go through having lost two of your beautiful children. Your blog today reminded me of a dear friend of mine who is dying of cancer. His "motto" of sorts is "choose joy". He has a blog about what he and his wife Kristin have been going through. I thought I might share the link with you. They could always use some extra prayers.http://judasforgiven.blogspot.com/
Just thought I would share this with you as it can sometimes be inspiring to read what others are going through and overcoming also. Stay strong and enjoy those beautiful babies. I have another on the way right now and two beautiful babes waiting patiently for their new brother....I will keep checking back in to read about how you are doing :)

Divine Mrs D said...

Praying for your heart

Laurie in Ca. said...

I wish I could give you a big hug and sit with you while you grieve. I will be praying for your heavy heart and ask God to be your strength and peace Kristy. I love you girl. So sorry for this time you are in and the flooding too.

Love and Many Hugs,
Laurie

Devon said...

i'm praying for you kristy...

thank you for being authentic with us....

Lori said...

Absolutely sending prayers...consuming is the absolute perfect word--grief just feels like it sometimes takes your whole body over to the point that you shudder uncontrollably and just have to wait until your body becomes your own again.

Thinking of and praying for you.

Heather said...

Keeping you in my prayers.

natalie said...

I'm so sorry your heart is so heavy. I lost two babies early in pregnancy, so I don't have the grief of carrying a baby to term and losing them, but the grief of miscarriage always shocked me. I would be doing better and then LOSE it just when I thought I had a handle on things. Have you read the book "Holding on to Hope"? It's a WONDERFUL book based on the book of Job written by an incredible Christian women.

{{hugs}} and prayers that tomorrow is a more joy-filled day for you.

Rob and Amy said...

Kristy- I Don't have any words, any thoughts- anything that will make this "all better", but I wanted to tell you that I'm here, and I'm reading. And I wish I knew what to say. But since I don't, I'm going to pray.

Fireflyforever said...

I haven't keeping up with many blogs recently. I've been struggling deep, deep grief and needed to just take a break.

I am so sorry you're hurting - I don't manage to pray very easily but I will make a special effort tonight - that you feel some relief from the heaviness of mourning your beautiful sons and feel the joy of them much more tangibly.

LeeAnn said...

Oh Kristy, I don't know the pain of losing a child, but my heart is in pain for you. I am so sorry life is hard and just not fair. Hang on to that hope and joy, even if you feel you are hanging by a thread. You are so loved by our Lord, your family and many, many friends. I'll be praying for you. Love, LeeAnn

Stacey said...

Thinking of you! Although I'm a mom of 2 lil boys, 13 angels and one baking in the oven that I hope we get to bring home, I don't know the right words to say. I understand the difficulty of 'cleaning house' as I have ALL of my boys stuff packed in plastic bins in the garage. I simply can't part with anything as I'm hopeful with my current 12 week pregnancy and I just don't know how to deal with the emotions. Just know that you're not alone...many grieving parents struggle with the same issues. Thank you for your willingness to open up and share.

Stacey from CA

Momma bear said...

I feel your pain. I understand that longing sometimes even begging just one hour, just one chance to see all my kids together to be able to tell all five of them how much I love them. My brains understands but how to may my heart understand is something I still sturrgle with 12 years later!!!!

Catherine said...

I am so sorry for your sadness. You are in my thoughts and prayers today:)