Like most of us, I sometimes struggle with being judgemental. I don't always allow the words to come out but often times the thoughts are there. Lately God has really been convicting me that when I find myself thinking about the shortcomings of others, that I probably have some self examining to do myself...you know that whole get the plank out of your own eye kind of thing? We all have struggles and we all have shortcomings. We have weakness and sin and feel unworthy, and the truth I am learning daily is that in our weakness He truly is strong if we just get out of the way and put our focus on Him.
I have shared before that I am an emotional eater. Isaac died...I ate Oreos...Asher died...I ate ice cream...and now many pounds and many months later I sit here weighing about as much as I did nine months pregnant. I have contemplated diets and I have started work out programs only to give up and fail.
I have recently talked with Howard about wanting to jump back on the wagon and he keeps saying, "I will support whatever you want to do...but I am going to tell you right now that if your motive is to fit into smaller pants you will just fail again. REALLY search your heart and find your motive." I felt defeated. That seemed like about the worst thing he could have said. He sounded unsupportive and he expected that I would fail.
I have continued to do some heart work lately and as I have I have found that this love of food and hatred of exercise has become a shackle for me. It is holding me back. When I am sad I eat...before I pray, before I get into the Word...I split open the box of cookies and dive in. Subtly food has become an idol. When I feel broken I crave food...not God. That is an issue.
God has given us the gift of his unconditional love. In Him we are free and to continue to shackle ourselves to our sin is robbing us of the amazing gift we've been so freely given.
So friends...I am doing it...not to fit into smaller pants or to look like a super model because Howard is right. Those motives are superficial and won't change my heart. I am making a change. I am going to seek God before I seek the pantry. I am going to take charge of my life and break free from the chains that are holding me back from being all God wants me to be. This doesn't mean you won't ever see me have a treat...but it won't be a response to stress, sadness or joy! My plan is to seek God first and allow Him to fill me instead of food and see what that does to my craving for cake and Oreos.
In addition, I have decided to begin the C25K running program. If you know me you likely just laughed out loud. My children will be the first to tell you that when it comes to running, "Mommy, only runs when chased by someone scary who has a weapon." :) I have decided that I need to become a runner...I will never have the money to buy a gym membership or equipment. I am going to have to go back to the basics. I have 5 K plans for next year in honor of my boys and in honor of a friend's mom. I am going to do it...hold me to it.