Monday, June 20, 2011

Shackled

Like most of us, I sometimes struggle with being judgemental. I don't always allow the words to come out but often times the thoughts are there. Lately God has really been convicting me that when I find myself thinking about the shortcomings of others, that I probably have some self examining to do myself...you know that whole get the plank out of your own eye kind of thing? We all have struggles and we all have shortcomings. We have weakness and sin and feel unworthy, and the truth I am learning daily is that in our weakness He truly is strong if we just get out of the way and put our focus on Him.

I have shared before that I am an emotional eater. Isaac died...I ate Oreos...Asher died...I ate ice cream...and now many pounds and many months later I sit here weighing about as much as I did nine months pregnant. I have contemplated diets and I have started work out programs only to give up and fail.

I have recently talked with Howard about wanting to jump back on the wagon and he keeps saying, "I will support whatever you want to do...but I am going to tell you right now that if your motive is to fit into smaller pants you will just fail again. REALLY search your heart and find your motive." I felt defeated. That seemed like about the worst thing he could have said. He sounded unsupportive and he expected that I would fail.

I have continued to do some heart work lately and as I have I have found that this love of food and hatred of exercise has become a shackle for me. It is holding me back. When I am sad I eat...before I pray, before I get into the Word...I split open the box of cookies and dive in. Subtly food has become an idol. When I feel broken I crave food...not God. That is an issue.

God has given us the gift of his unconditional love. In Him we are free and to continue to shackle ourselves to our sin is robbing us of the amazing gift we've been so freely given.

So friends...I am doing it...not to fit into smaller pants or to look like a super model because Howard is right. Those motives are superficial and won't change my heart. I am making a change. I am going to seek God before I seek the pantry. I am going to take charge of my life and break free from the chains that are holding me back from being all God wants me to be. This doesn't mean you won't ever see me have a treat...but it won't be a response to stress, sadness or joy! My plan is to seek God first and allow Him to fill me instead of food and see what that does to my craving for cake and Oreos.

In addition, I have decided to begin the C25K running program. If you know me you likely just laughed out loud. My children will be the first to tell you that when it comes to running, "Mommy, only runs when chased by someone scary who has a weapon." :) I have decided that I need to become a runner...I will never have the money to buy a gym membership or equipment. I am going to have to go back to the basics. I have 5 K plans for next year in honor of my boys and in honor of a friend's mom. I am going to do it...hold me to it.


10 comments:

Divine Mrs D said...

That's wonderful!!

I've been having the thought lately: my body is a temple to the Holy Spirit. I either need to 1) Make it a better temple, 2) Love myself for how I am or 3) a little bit of both.

Jenni said...

Hi, I lurk around these parts and in all honosty, I can't remember when I started reading your blog or why I've never commented before (except that I am horrible at commenting on everyone's blogs) but I do know that I am completely touched by your blog and read it regularly. I went through a spell where I completely cleaned out my Reader and left in only those that I regularly read (not just hit "mark as read") and that have a hold on me in a good way.

That said, you have gotten me to delurk as I have somewhat been where you are. Turning to food first. It's not an easy habit to break. I have lost more than 75 pounds and still have a ways to go, so I am no expert. But I delurked because I want to give you one word of advise that helped me break the habit:

Think of food as fuel.

Think about what you eat for breakfast and then determine when you will next be putting food in your mouth (snack? lunch?) and determine what you will need to get you to that point. Then, don't eat/nibble/snack on anything until that time. Repeat the thought process. Eventually, it will get easier.

Once you get that mindset, you can work in the oreos and other treats, but make food purposeful.

One other thing: you are a religious person, as am I, so pray a prayer of thanks for the food before taking a bite. It really helps to make the right choices and really makes me think about the "why" I am choosing to eat something right now. God provides us with that food (oreos included) and giving Him thanks for every bite makes thinking about what I eat so much more than "just food".

So, take my advice for what it is...advice. You don't need to follow it or anything; just words that I have learned through my long journey have helped.

everythingieverwanted said...

I have read your blog for years, but this is the first time I have left a comment. All I have to say is "wow".....you have given me motivation. I currently weigh about 20 pounds more than I want to weigh and have a big birthday approaching. I have been thinking about losing the weight and what you just said here is giving me the motivation. You are so right, it is about so much more than what pant size you wear. Thank you for motivating me.

Kim said...

Just wanted to say good luck with your C25K program. Take the runing parts slow, you're only "racing" yourself. :o) Let us know how your training is going. YOU CAN DO IT!!!

Liz said...

Hi Kristy, I'm one of your lurkers as well. :)

I just started couch to 5k as well and am loving it! I have never been a runner or really even an athlete, but find it fun and manageable. I feel *such* a sense of accomplishment when I finish a session.

Thanks for being so open about your emotional eating. I think a lot of women struggle with this (I know I have!), and it's great to be honest about why we turn to food to find comfort.

Good luck with the changes, and please keep us posted!

asplashofsunshine said...

From one needing-to-get-healthier mommy to another, I'll be keeping my eyes on you. :) I'm an emotional eater too. I know what it takes to get healthy, I know what it takes to feel better, but I just can't accomplish it. It's incredibly frustrating! You'll do fabulous! Don't forget, if you mess up, just pick yourself up, don't beat yourself up!

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

I am so with you, as you probably know. I have struggled and continued to struggle with emotional eating.Shackled is a good way to describe it..and I believe God wants us to find freedom and victory!

Praying for you...and for me!

Fridaypeach said...

A few things I think about in regards to my weight....I don't think about what size clothes I wear. I think about the following things:

1. Am I healthy?

2. Can I do all the things I want to do with joy and happiness without thinking I can't do that because (i.e. I am out of shape, don't fit, don't feel comfortable) - if my answer is no that is motivation for me.

3. I want to have children in my life time and I think about the future possibility of children and wanting to be there to run with them and play with them and not be sitting on the sidelines because I can't. Watching them grow up and part of that is taking care of myself so I can take care of them.

4. When I go to the fridge or cupboard ... I ask myself. Am I hungry? Or am I bored and just reaching for something to reach for something.

Rachel said...

You can do it. I printed this off and am going to try their program. I have been running about three times a week for twenty minutes, but I think I need a more gradual program and this sounds perfect. I want to run a 5k by October to show myself I can do it. I too always start a program and then quit a month or so later. You should post your progress each week so you can encourage all of us and I will post comments to encourage you. Good luck.

Rachel
ND

JD said...

Kristy, Please check out Made to Crave by Lysa Terkeurst. You will be blessed and the message will help you tremendously in your journey. Allison