Yesterday I rolled out of bed, changed a diaper, fed a baby a bottle, put her down, fed the next baby his breakfast, made beds, got both babies dressed, got dressed myself combed my hair, brushed my teeth and greeted the older three children as they woke...they got themselves breakfast, cleaned up, got dressed and brushed teeth. During all of that, more than one child shed tears (I may have also), someone bled, someone peed on the floor and the UPS man delivered a case of toilet paper to my three year old daughter who was sure the package was for her...well...sure it is sweetie! ;)
We read a book, got math pages done, sunscreened children and sent them out to play. I tripped over a mountain of laundry the children had haphazardly thrown down the basement steps, picked up that laundry threw it in my only half working washing machine and set it to wash...put one baby down for morning nap, cleaned the aforementioned pee off the floor and took a deep breath.
I swept the floor, changed out the scentsy fragrance to give the scheduled occupational therpaist the illusion that my house was clean and serene. She knocked at the door as she has every week for nearly a year now and I greeted her, today proud that I was fully dressed in REAL clothes, not yoga pants and a tshirt. I had make up on and my hair was somewhat presentable. What I didn't realize was that my maxi dress, which was strapless had slid down below my bra and since my cardigan was only buttoned on the top button, well you get the idea. We laughed and she made a comment about how well I do with chaos. (at least I finally bought myself a NON Nursing bra?) ;)
She sees a snapshot. A small window into my world, we all put our best foot forward when someone else is watching, right? ;) The truth is that I don't handle it all that well, that I explode and mutter things under my breath and deny the grace that is so freely given to me most days. The truth is some days I allow the chaos consume me, but some days I don't.
The day continued and I took the kids to the zoo, all five by myself. I am certain some folks thought we were a zoo exhibit in and of ourselves, alas we had a fabulous time, the older kids were overwhelmingly helpful with the smaller ones and we stopped for milkshakes on the way home. We won't talk about the fact that I had to pull over, rearrange car seats and children because the smallest boy was beating the TAR out of the boys on either side of him and they were strapped in and defenseless. By the time we got home I felt like I used up all my "good mom energy" for the day, I threw some chicken sausages on the grill and got the boys ready for baseball practice. I could feel exhaustion starting to set in...it was that point in the day where you know if you sit down it will be ALL OVER. The boys headed to practice with Howard, I cleaned up dinner and fed a baby or two. I painted Hope's nails and brought clothes in from the clothesline.
Then...I sat down...with a book, while Hope was busy playing...and then my phone started buzzing, I looked and suffice it to say that there is just a LOT going on in our foster care case. I am praying hard for the family and have no idea what the outcome will be. We go to court next month and I am praying for wisdom and clarity as the time approaches...I find myself panicked with the prospective outcomes and my husband reminds me God provides grace for the moment but not for the future because it isn't here yet...trying to live in the moment is really hard sometimes, isn't it?
The truth is I don't do well with chaos. I like order and plans. The funny thing is that my life seldom if ever goes that direction...chaos, albeit organized chaos reigns most days. Foster care brings a chaos all its own and it is an infuriating, and sacred kind of chaos...like most things in life a paradox all its own. I want to plan life out and know what life will look like a year from now, heck, I'd settle for knowing what life might look like next week, I want to feel secure and settled, and yet God continually calls me to a state of uncertainty, gently pushing me to be reminded that my certainty comes from NO circumstance, my certainty comes from Him and it is a certainty I can always count on. I have got to do better about handing it all over to Him and residing in His peace and stability.