An Emotional WRECK!

So I did really great all weekend (for the most part). I held a new baby for the first time since holding Asher which was kind of scary to me but he was just too cute not to cuddle! It was our friends Greg and Ginger's little guy Fionn and he is amazing. It really wasn't hard at all. Just natural really. It seems like it would be harder because my arms are aching because they are still empty but he is not Isaac and he is not Asher and so he does not fill that void he was meant for the Hites family. It was actually really great to see how well he is doing and to celebrate the blessing he is. It was a relief, though at times I saw people looking at me and I wondered to myself if they were thinking I might lose it and run off with him! :-)

As for the baby shower, again I did quite well. I could not be happier for Bill and Shelli! They are going to be great parents and they have a wonderful family who is anxiously awaiting their precious miracle! It was fun, I did find my thoughts drifting a few times, but was able to pull myself back in. I am pretty good at compartmentalizing, which isn't always good but for this day it was. I cannot wait to meet the new addition to their family!

Today on the other hand it is like EVERYTHING has caught up with me. I have been tired, cranky irritable and sad.

As always though God gave me the grace to get through another day.

I had mentioned before my amazing friend Julie (who is probably cringing as she is reading this because she is about one of the most humble people I know, I love you Julie!) brought me Starbucks out of the blue on Mother's Day just because she knew my theory is that Starbucks makes everything better. Well on that day she also dropped off an orange CD (I mention that because she and I have a particular affinity to the color orange). I put it on the shelf and actually had forgotten about it. When I have a yucky day I have a tendency to clean like a crazy woman or organize something because it allows me to control SOMETHING in this world that is SO out of my control. While I was cleaning I found the CD and stuck it in my computer to put the songs on my ipod. I played the cd and immediately began to weep.

The song was this
Cry on My shoulder
(Overflow)

You say you're falling apart.
Reached the end of the line.
Just looking for your place in an ordinary life.
No one calls you friend.
No one even knows your name.
You just want to feel loved instead of all the pain.
You no longer have to say.
No one's listening anyway.
Come here and cry on my shoulder.
I'll hold you 'till it's over.
I'll rescue you tonight.
Let my arms be your shelter,
Your hiding place forever.
I'll love you more than life
You're wearing a frown.
Given up on hope.
My heart is reaching out.
More than you will ever know.
Is your burden too much?
Is it more than you can bear?
I'll help carry the load if you're willing to share.
You no longer have to say.
No one's listening anyway.
Come here and cry on my shoulder.
I'll hold you 'till its over.
I'll rescue you tonight.
Let my arms be your shelter,
You're hiding place forever.
I'll love you more than life
You have had some hard times.
Had thorns placed in your side.
I know about what you've been going through.
Tears of pain are falling down.
It hurts so bad you're crying out.
Your problems won't last forever.
Let Me put you back together

The words of that song have been echoing in my heart and mind all day. Just knowing that Julie loves me and thinks of me so often that she would think to burn that to a CD and deliver it to me overwhelmed me.

There are a couple of lines especially that have been stuck in my head all day and the main one is:

"You just want to feel loved, instead of all the pain"

WOW! That is so it! I am so weary from the pain yet I cannot let it go, but when I feel that love from others and from God it makes the pain a little more bearable.

"Just looking for your place in an ordinary life"

Again. I am a person who has a great support system and lots of people who truly love me but I seldom feel as though I belong. I am always searching for my place and with each hole in my heart I have changed at my core. I am trying to focus on God and who He wants me to be but I wish he would be just a little more obvious!

"Is your burden too much? Is it more than you can bear? I'll help carry the load if you're willing to share."

Again, this seems to be the central theme to life right now. The trick is being willing to share. I tend to bear it all as I sit at this keyboard yet in my life I am not always as open. I can be difficult to read and often use jokes and sarcasm as a coping mechanism. I am learning that I need to allow others to help carry my stretcher and not fight it so much. There is no reason to do this on my own, that is not what God ever intended.

Then I think about the last line....

"Let me put you back together" as I listen to that line I think of a piece of pottery once it has been broken, it can be put back together, but it is never again the same. There are jagged edges and shards of the piece that will never be recovered, there is glue sticking out from the cracks and it is in many ways the same piece as it was before and yet it is profoundly different. That is how I feel. I am asking the Lord to put me back together yet I know I will never be the same person I once was. I will always bear the scars of brokenness. It is difficult to continually search for who you are and just when you think you are figuring it out, to be slammed down and broken again. Yet as long as my God gives me breath I will pick up the pieces and allow Him to put the pieces back together into any shape he chooses. It is not easy and it is not what I would have chosen for myself, but I am learning every day that this life is NOT about me.