Four months already??

Well I must say that today was the crash after the high. We had such a great week and were able to really relax, but things have taken a bit of a turn as they often do. Last night we spent the night in a hotel and were so looking forward to getting some good sleep, but Ben has come down with a cold and he was up ALL night!

We finished the drive home and I sit here tonight full of emotion as I am uploading pictures to the computer. I am so very thankful that we were able to take the time and just be together at the beach, but as I look at my pictures two very important members of my family are missing. Instead of four Bolte feet there should be six! Instead of two little boys playing in the surf there should be four. I say should, but I know with God in control there is no "should". Everything is working according to His plan. Sometimes I just wonder why His plan has to hurt so much.

Today marks four months from the day I held Asher in my arms and shared him with the world. I miss him so much. I find myself wondering what it would be like to have a four month old. Would we have gone to the beach this year? I am glad we did, but I would have given anything to stay home with Asher. It is like I am always being stabbed with this double edged sword.

A beach vacation with a less than beach ready body was difficult too. Asher being my fourth baby has done quite a bit of damage to my figure. Someone today actually asked if I were pregnant again! Talk about a downer. Not that I would not love to be pregnant, but that I had a baby four months ago and still look like I am pregnant. For some reason I am having a REALLY tough time getting this weight off. I try and try and try, but some days are really hard and I do tend to emotionally eat, and I also have great intentions of exercising and yet I always feel exhausted. (for the record I do not need to seek professional help. I am okay, just whining :-))

This grief thing is tough work. I AM working through it and I do see God so clearly keeping his hand on our family through each and every twist and turn. I will continue to follow Him and be obedient even though I am not crazy about his plan sometime.

As I stated before today is four months since Asher joined his big brother in Heaven. We are coming off of a vacation high and it is probably not a great combination. Tomorrow Howard wants to go and take care of cemetery things. Ordering the tombstone, and getting some flowers planted for Isaac and for Asher. I have not been to the cemetery since we buried Asher. I know it sounds weird, and I am not even sure why. I can't put my finger on it but I just have no desire to go and stand in front of two of my children's graves and try to wrap my mind around the reality and finality of it. I am content to stay in my safe home and just rest in knowing that this is not the end.

Ordering the tombstone was the TOUGHEST thing for me with Isaac. It seems so out of the order of things to walk around an establishment gazing at granite and fonts and designs trying to pick out something that depicts the life of your child (in a way you can afford). It crushes me that try as I might I will NEVER be able to pick something that I know Asher would have loved. I never got to know my boy. I am not sure if he would have loved tractors and things on wheels like Luke or if he would have loved balls and animals like Benjamin. It is on my list of things to ask him when I get to Heaven but until then I will never know. As a mom that is a tough thing to swallow. We want to know our children's' ins and outs. We know each and every quirk and like and dislike. I long to know Isaac and Asher. I long to hold them one more time. How can four months seem like yesterday and yet like an eternity ago?

How strange it is that though I miss them both more than my words could ever express I would NEVER wish them back. I know that the place they now reside is far more glorious than anything I can imagine. I know that they are playing at the feet of Jesus Himself and they will never know pain, disappointment or heartache. For that I am thankful. I would never want to take that away from them. Heaven is the ultimate goal and they beat us to it. I do wish things could have been different in some ways, my heart aches for them each moment of each day and yet I would not take them away from the joy they are experiencing now.

Please pray for me as we embark on the next step in this journey. I know that though this makes it all seem too final, that this is truly not the end, I do not understand God's plan but I will continue to submit and pray for his will in my life and in the lives of each of my family members. He is in control, he is on his throne and he is never changing and that is the only thing that allows me to pick my head up off of the pillow in the morning and continue breathing. I know he has a greater purpose for all of us and I cannot wait to see what it is!

Happy four month birthday sweet Asher Bolte. You have brought such joy to your mom and dad. We are so very proud of you son. You have continued to bring people closer to the Lord and we cannot imagine a more important job for such a little guy! Please kiss Isaac for us. Your brothers down here miss you both. They speak about you ALL the time. What a glorious day it will be when all of us are united. We love you both so very much! We will continue to share your lives with everyone who will listen and we will continue to be a voice for you as you have been two of life's greatest surprises. Children TRULY are a gift from the Lord. You are both immense blessings to our family!