Thursday, April 16, 2009

Letting go of Fear

So today I am 32 weeks pregnant with my fifth baby. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I LOVE being pregnant. I find myself daily stuck in the wonderful world of feeling her kick and roll and reveling in the miracle that is and wanting it to last forever, all the while allowing myself to dream of what it will be like to hold her and gaze up on her face (that she refuses to show us despite serial ultrasounds).

Luke was born at 35 weeks, Isaac and Benjamin were both born just before 37 and Asher was born at 33 weeks. Looking at my track record makes me panic just a little to know that this pregnancy is coming to an end, likely within the next six weeks by her choice, and if not we will surely meet her June 3rd, my scheduled c-section date.

Because Luke came five weeks early, around this point in pregnancy I always become a little restless if things are not done. I have put off doing many of these things for quite sometime out of fear. I am well aware that that fear that has taken residence in my heart over the past eight months is not from God. I feel him nudging me daily to put down the fear and embrace the joy of the new things he is doing in my life and though I have resisted he continues to be patient and continue gently nudging. I am reminded that whatever time the Lord blesses me with this little gift, I will embrace and love her whole heartedly. I hope and pray with every ounce of my being that we will get to love on her and watch her grow and that she will outlive us all, but I also know that that is sometimes not the path the Lord chooses for us.

I have often wondered if God was punishing me or trying to teach me a lesson that my stubborn heart refused. I mean, how else do you explain him allowing me to endure the heartache of letting go of two of my children so soon? But I have come to this conclusion: The Bible tells us that children are a gift from the Lord. They are a blessing. I believe the Bible to be the word of God, I believe it to be Truth. Because I believe these things, I must also believe that the Lord would not ever use a child as "punishment". They are a gift, some remain with us for many long years and others only moments, but either way they are a gift, a blessing from our Heavenly Father.

That is not to say that there are not lessons the Lord has taught me on this path, and ways he has shaped me into a person I never would have been without Isaac and Asher, but his plans are good, they always have been. The truth is that those boys, like us were not created for this world. They were created specifically for the time they were here on this earth, they lived the lifetime God intended and changed our lives profoundly, just as each of their brothers and sisters will. Though it broke my heart this Easter to fill two baskets instead of four, I could not help but be reminded of where those other two boys were celebrating Jesus' Resurrection in the presence of Jesus Himself. Though my heart aches, I can't imagine a more perfect place.

I have felt in the past few weeks a peace that I haven't felt in quite some time. I was tempted to get a little discouraged by the anemia and gestational diabetes issues, but was quickly reminded that it is all temporary and that God has it all under control. I am taking the supplements needed and adjusting my diet as necessary and this baby is growing well.

My heart is still aching for my boys in Heaven but it leaps for joy each time I walk past the nursery, my sweet husband labored in for weeks to make the perfect pink space for our sweet girl. I breathed deeply days ago when I washed the first load of little pink things friends have already purchased for her and hung them in her closet. This is all uncharted territory for me and I have to say that the change is welcome. The Lord knew I would need this. I never imagined myself the mom of a girl, and yet it fits.

Last night we installed new carseats in our car. We own a Scion XB and if you know cars, it is small. We drive a lot and need the fuel efficiency and since it will be paid off in a year or so we did not want to replace it so instead we chose to get new carseats for each of the kids so that we could fit three across the back seat. The boys' seats came on Tuesday and yesterday Howard installed them and we went to the library. It was so cute to hear them talking about how there was now room for their baby sister and all of the things they would be able to do to help care for her in the back seat. For the first time my heart did not jump into my throat wanting to remind them that they may never get that chance.

Right now we are gradually preparing our home for this new blessing and I have to say I am enjoying every moment of pregnancy and being the mommy to a five year old who is reading and doing math like a champ and a two year old who is really getting the hang of potty training and making us laugh every day. I am in awe of the gifts the Lord has given me. And don't even get me started on the husband he blessed me with. I was so discouraged when he was not outwardly gushing with excitement at the idea of a baby GIRL, but the way he took over the nursery project and made her the most creative beautiful space I have ever seen melts my heart. I was nervous and had trouble giving over control, but it is perfect. (I will post pictures as soon as I find my USB cable)

I guess all in all I am excited, I am rejoicing in today for that is what I have been given, and really, I have been given so much!

THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE! I WILL BE GLAD AND REJOICE IN IT!

29 comments:

Lisa said...

I am just so happy for you - happy that you have a peace you haven't felt in way too long.

Anonymous said...

Oh Kristy i'm so happy for you all!!!!!! My little man came early too on mar 15 at 36wks. I admire your strength and courage and the way you allow God to use you. I pray for you everyday and can't wait to see your newest blessing.

Laurie in Ca. said...

I love this post Kristy, every single word of it. I love how God is doing a NEW thing in your family, just as He promised. I love that you are rising above the anxious thoughts and choosing joy in this time. Fear is so crippling and we know it well, but God breaks the chains of fear, moment by moment to remind us He is in control of every breath. I am so excited for you and this precious baby girl you carry safe inside. I love you and may your joy be full!!:)

Love and Hugs, Laurie

The VW's said...

Thanks for your message of hope and your words of wisdom! I am SO happy for you!

Melanie said...

Precious and perfect!

Jenn said...

I am so happy for you that you will be having a healthy baby girl! You have been through so much and God is truly blessing you and your family!

Corie said...

So excited for you Kristy. So great to hear the joy in your writing. Looking forward to "meeting" your newest little one.

Sheryl said...

love ya, kristy! i am so happy to hear the excitment in your voice!

Christa @ Quintooples said...

I lost mu USB cable for my normal camera too. ACK!!!

I am so excited for you!!!!!! :)

I can't WAIT to see pictures!

Chris and Emily said...

beautiful heart shining through in this post - so well said Kristy!!Love hearing about God moving in your life and the wonderful wisdom he's given you.

You're driving me crazy with the USB thing - FIND IT SOON - I'm anxious to see the pictures!!!:)

Laura said...

I love following your blog...
sometimes it is important to "take stock" and look around and be thankful for what God has blessed us with.
I know myself I can be so focused on what I "don't have" that I forego thanking Him for everything I do have, and when I do, I recognize I have an abundence of everything.
God bless you and your family.

Miche said...

I don't "know" you but I think of you often. You are so strong and your faith is so evident in your posts.

I'm so excited to "meet" your little girl when she arrives in a few short weeks.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers that you can let go of the fear even for just a few moments.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Fireflyforever said...

Thank you for sharing these words today. I have been feeling so discouraged (it has been 6 months since my baby was born silently) and God has spoken to my heart with your wonderful words (especially about God not using our children as a punishment. This has lain so heavily on me at times.)

Although we don't know each other I feel privileged to have been allowed to follow your pregnancy with your sweet little girl through your blog. I am praying that you will all get to share a lifetime full of love.

Jill

♥ Somebody Loved ♥ said...

Kristy,

I truly believe that you are not being punished by the things you have suffered. The trials we have on earth only make us stronger.

While reading your posts I can see that you are a stronger woman having suffered... also you will use that knowledge to help others in situations like yours.

May Our Heavenly Father continue to bless you and watch over your family.

ToOdLeS.ShEiLa

Kirsten said...

What a joy to read that you are enjoying your pregnancy and the fear no longer has the same hold on you. You give me hope - it still creeps in on me far more often than I prefer.

I'm so glad that you are at such a great place. Praise God.

Praying for you through it all.

The Dortenzos said...

Your faith and peace are amazing and such a testimony to so many! I am praying for strength in the next few weeks and for just awesome time of reflection and preparation as you get ready for your sweet girl :)!

Susie (So Blessed) said...

I am waiting expectantly for this new little female blessing to arrive on the scene at the Bolte house! And honey, you just wait, you've never seen gushing like you will see from Howard when he meets his little daughter...and that will only be the beginning!

Love to you and your sweet family,
Susie

Devin said...

Oh, Amen to that Kristy!

*and I am so, so excited for you all too!*

Cheryl F. said...

Rejoice, don't let your joy be stolen. What an amazing family you are. Your strength and faith in God really shows through. I could stand to learn a lot from you. Blessings.
Cheryl F

nikki wood said...

I just came across your blog, I am a mother of two children in Heaven as well. And my Alyssa passed away on Feb. 22nd, 2008 just like Asher Joseph. It saddens me to think that on that day we were both saying good bye to our babies...I am going to add you to my blog roll.

Laura said...

So happy for you...embrace what He has placed in front of you. Praying for your heart to remain calm.

Can't wait to see the hairbows!

connie said...

Kristy, I always love reading your writings. I started to write a response here, and realized there's no way to do justice to what you make me think about when you share. I think we grow by leaps and bounds when we are going through the harder parts of our lives, and you are whizzing past some of us, right now. I'm gonna send the rest in email.

I love you, and am praying for the right delivery day for you, and peace, peace, peace. And lots of laughter.

Oh, and please, lots of pictures when that day finally comes. :)

stephanie said...

I bumped into your blog,on my way somewhere else,and stayed. You and your family are truely amazing and filled with faith.To write so beautifully about your boys... it must be a grace from God.You bring me to tears, with your words and leave me speechless.I am so excited about your little girl. You are going to have so much fun with her. God Bless you, Stephanie

Ang said...

I follow your blog all the time and pray for you often...so excited to get to see your newest addition. You are right..These wonderful children are gifts from God!! Thanks for your strength. you are an amazing woman!!

2feetonearth1inthestars said...

I'm so happy for you sweetie! I really am!! I can't wait till your wee girl is here safe and sound!

Kim said...

What a beautiful post. Can't wait to see baby pics!

Kristen said...

Your faith is amazing and God has special plans in store for your family. You are so right that your boys were made for heaven and God needed them. I pray for your family and for your new little blessing!

crystal said...

Thank you for sharing this. throughout my pregnancy and especially after losing my baby Calvin Phoenix in my 18th week, I often found myself wondering if God took my son to punish me for everything I have done wrong. Thank you for pointing out that God would never use a child as punishment, for children truly are gifts from our Lord. And I will thank Him everyday for blessing me with my first child, as short of a time as I had him with me on this earth.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Beautiful post from a beautiful heart...praying for you...