Letting go of Fear

So today I am 32 weeks pregnant with my fifth baby. I cannot even begin to tell you how much I LOVE being pregnant. I find myself daily stuck in the wonderful world of feeling her kick and roll and reveling in the miracle that is and wanting it to last forever, all the while allowing myself to dream of what it will be like to hold her and gaze up on her face (that she refuses to show us despite serial ultrasounds).

Luke was born at 35 weeks, Isaac and Benjamin were both born just before 37 and Asher was born at 33 weeks. Looking at my track record makes me panic just a little to know that this pregnancy is coming to an end, likely within the next six weeks by her choice, and if not we will surely meet her June 3rd, my scheduled c-section date.

Because Luke came five weeks early, around this point in pregnancy I always become a little restless if things are not done. I have put off doing many of these things for quite sometime out of fear. I am well aware that that fear that has taken residence in my heart over the past eight months is not from God. I feel him nudging me daily to put down the fear and embrace the joy of the new things he is doing in my life and though I have resisted he continues to be patient and continue gently nudging. I am reminded that whatever time the Lord blesses me with this little gift, I will embrace and love her whole heartedly. I hope and pray with every ounce of my being that we will get to love on her and watch her grow and that she will outlive us all, but I also know that that is sometimes not the path the Lord chooses for us.

I have often wondered if God was punishing me or trying to teach me a lesson that my stubborn heart refused. I mean, how else do you explain him allowing me to endure the heartache of letting go of two of my children so soon? But I have come to this conclusion: The Bible tells us that children are a gift from the Lord. They are a blessing. I believe the Bible to be the word of God, I believe it to be Truth. Because I believe these things, I must also believe that the Lord would not ever use a child as "punishment". They are a gift, some remain with us for many long years and others only moments, but either way they are a gift, a blessing from our Heavenly Father.

That is not to say that there are not lessons the Lord has taught me on this path, and ways he has shaped me into a person I never would have been without Isaac and Asher, but his plans are good, they always have been. The truth is that those boys, like us were not created for this world. They were created specifically for the time they were here on this earth, they lived the lifetime God intended and changed our lives profoundly, just as each of their brothers and sisters will. Though it broke my heart this Easter to fill two baskets instead of four, I could not help but be reminded of where those other two boys were celebrating Jesus' Resurrection in the presence of Jesus Himself. Though my heart aches, I can't imagine a more perfect place.

I have felt in the past few weeks a peace that I haven't felt in quite some time. I was tempted to get a little discouraged by the anemia and gestational diabetes issues, but was quickly reminded that it is all temporary and that God has it all under control. I am taking the supplements needed and adjusting my diet as necessary and this baby is growing well.

My heart is still aching for my boys in Heaven but it leaps for joy each time I walk past the nursery, my sweet husband labored in for weeks to make the perfect pink space for our sweet girl. I breathed deeply days ago when I washed the first load of little pink things friends have already purchased for her and hung them in her closet. This is all uncharted territory for me and I have to say that the change is welcome. The Lord knew I would need this. I never imagined myself the mom of a girl, and yet it fits.

Last night we installed new carseats in our car. We own a Scion XB and if you know cars, it is small. We drive a lot and need the fuel efficiency and since it will be paid off in a year or so we did not want to replace it so instead we chose to get new carseats for each of the kids so that we could fit three across the back seat. The boys' seats came on Tuesday and yesterday Howard installed them and we went to the library. It was so cute to hear them talking about how there was now room for their baby sister and all of the things they would be able to do to help care for her in the back seat. For the first time my heart did not jump into my throat wanting to remind them that they may never get that chance.

Right now we are gradually preparing our home for this new blessing and I have to say I am enjoying every moment of pregnancy and being the mommy to a five year old who is reading and doing math like a champ and a two year old who is really getting the hang of potty training and making us laugh every day. I am in awe of the gifts the Lord has given me. And don't even get me started on the husband he blessed me with. I was so discouraged when he was not outwardly gushing with excitement at the idea of a baby GIRL, but the way he took over the nursery project and made her the most creative beautiful space I have ever seen melts my heart. I was nervous and had trouble giving over control, but it is perfect. (I will post pictures as soon as I find my USB cable)

I guess all in all I am excited, I am rejoicing in today for that is what I have been given, and really, I have been given so much!

THIS IS THE DAY THAT THE LORD HAS MADE! I WILL BE GLAD AND REJOICE IN IT!