Thursday, April 30, 2009

Thoughts at 34 Weeks

This is my FIFTH pregnancy, and honestly it is hard to believe that Howard still wants anything to do with me after enduring pregnant Kristy FIVE times! Luke was born at 35 weeks so for me my nesting instinct kicks into FULL gear at 32 weeks, just in case. This house has been a whirlwind of sorting, packing dusting, and organizing. One by one the projects are getting done and the house is becoming more "ready".

Yesterday I took inventory and made another list of things to be done before our little girl's arrival. As I looked at all that has been accomplished in the past 8 months it is hard to believe that a mere 15 months ago I stood in a similar place. Asher was born two days shy of 34 weeks because he was showing signs of distress in the womb. His little sister has already spent more time with me than he did. It is an eerie feeling. We are so very excited for her arrival, yet so very broken yet from his all too quick departure for Heaven.

The term "sorrowful yet always rejoicing" takes on new meaning. Emotions become so complicated I can't even sort them out. Hormones run high and I find myself walking a fine line between longing for Asher and grieving the loss of him and jumping for joy that our next little miracle is almost here.

The next week or two will be pretty big here. This weekend is my baby shower. I was reluctant to the idea at first, but I must say I am glad I have friends who know me well and pushed me just enough. I am really excited to celebrate our new blessing. It almost feels like I am cheating though. Like my overwhelming joy for the gift of her somehow takes away from the love I still hold for Asher and I know that this is simply NOT true, but it is just a tough line to walk. Each of our children, whether they live in Heaven or here on earth hold their own place in our hearts that only they can fill. Baby Girl, could no more fill Isaac or Asher's place than Luke or Ben could. They are each their own special gift.

The Lord makes it more and more clear to me each and every day that He is doing a new thing and yet in the dark hours of the night fear sometimes creeps in. I am at the point in pregnancy where I am up pretty much every hour or so for a bathroom break or a TUMS or a drink of water. Sometimes I lie in bed, unable to fall back to sleep, my mind racing with the what ifs and unknowns. My dreams often become more vivid and scary, though pretty out there and silly. Nighttime is often a constant battle of my mind. I obsessively do kick counts to reassure myself that all is well and the baby is fine. I have made one trip to labor and delivery so far to set my mind at ease and just see the lines on the monitor.

In so many ways I wish I could be pregnant forever. I really do love it. It is so amazing and I am more aware than ever of what a gift it is just to be able to carry a baby in my womb. And in many ways I cannot wait to hold this little ones in my arms. I am reminded of the reality of life when my sweet five year old son speaks of his sister saying " it is going to be awesome to have a baby in this house IF she lives". He too is aware at his young age that there are no guarantees and while that makes me sad for him, it also makes me glad to know that he does not take any of it for granted.

This coming Tuesday is my next and final "Level 2" ultrasound in Pittsburgh. Again, Howard cannot go. I am more at peace this time for sure but there is always that sneaking fear that creeps in. Part of me wants to skip it all together because it is tough to organize childcare and travel since we are still on only one vehicle, but I know that last time it did provide me with peace. So we will see.

Thank you all for continuing to check in on us and support us. We are so very blessed and we covet each of your prayers.

16 comments:

siscaboo said...

(((HUGS)))

I so understand. I have the same feelings, and emotions, and hormones running rampant over here. I didn't realize that we are only a week apart.

My baby shower is this weekend too and I am soo excited for it but, kinda guilty about it. Ok, alot guilty about it.

Praying for you!

Lea said...

Wishing you much peace and love. Glad to hear things are going well.

xo

asplashofsunshine said...

Just sending hugs from California! Take care of yourself and give your tummy a little hug for us too.

Kathaleen said...

Kristy, you are getting so close to holding your little girl. What a blessing! :) I will pray for peace in the coming weeks and for your u/s. Enjoy your baby shower and all the fun girly things!!

Kathaleen

Anonymous said...

May looking into the eyes of your daughter bring you the peace and love of God in all His glory. May it bring you healing.
-just a stranger praying for your family.

Marie said...

I have been following your blog but never posted but just had to tell you, enjoy this time in your life,this little girl will bring much joy to your family and the Angels will always be with and near you ,I too have a little Angel, Paul joined the Heavenly host of Angels in 1962 ,Also have 3 more sons, 6 grandchildren and 3 great grandsons

Suzie said...

I am hoping and praying that your lil princess stays put for awhile longer. I am just so happy for you. I know what you mean about being pregnant, and loving it. Hard to explain, but a wonderful feeling. I hope you have a blessed time this weekend at your shower. You deserve it. I will be thinking of you and praying.

Love ya girl!

ReadyAim said...

Your words are so eloquent and profound. It sounds like you really understand your feelings and are handling them in the best way possible. I hope you are able to keep reminding yourself that this baby is her own special blessing and celebration over her does not in anyway diminish the lives of Isaac and Asher. I will pray that is the message you play in your head to drown out the others of guilt and doubt.

Celebrate and enjoy your shower! Your beautiful baby girls is almost here!!!

Praying for you.
Lisa

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

Ill be thinking of you on Tuesday, maybe you would want to fly down this way and come with me on Wednesday???? Just a thought:)
Hoping you stay pregnant a couple more weeks!

Rebecca said...

I am just joining in your journey as my own painful one has begun. I am amazed at your strength and honesty. I pray that your baby girl is all the miracle that know she is and more!

Denise said...

Hi Kristy,
I haven't posted in along time but have been continuing to pray for you, your new miracle, and your family. I understand the mixed emotions about wanting to be pregnant forever and yet wanting to meet your little one. I love being pregnant as well! I will still be praying. Much love your way from someone who only knows you from your blog. -- Denise

Blessed Mom of 8 said...

Praying for the final weeks to be filled with peace and joy!

Praying that you can allow this pregnancy to be all that God is wanting for you and Him together!

Praying your heart is full of so much love that nothing else can fit in!

Praying you rest!

I hope your baby shower is everything you dream it will be - PINK and all girly!

Love and blessings,
Jill

Laurie in Ca. said...

Sweet Kristy,

I am praying for the fine line you walk between "sorrowful yet always rejoicing". You know I love you guys and pray God's best for the new thing He is doing for you right now. I pray for balance in your heart as you miss sweet Asher and look forward to meeting baby girl. Asher will never be forgotten nor replaced ever. And I am praying for your nights to be filled with His peace as you sleep. I hope your shower is over the top for you tomorrow and I wish I could be there:) I look forward to celebrating the birth of your fifth child, who just happens to be a princess girl!!:) A new thing for sure. I love you Kristy.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

stephanie said...

I think you are one of the bravest moms(and Dad) in the world.God hand picked 5 incredible children for you and this baby girl is the cherry on top. I can't wait til you can squeeze her for all of us out here waiting with you.All our prayers to you and your family.

Kathaleen said...

Praying for you today Kristy!!

Love Kathaleen

Amy T. S. said...

I have no idea how I ended up here, but I will be back. I've never lost a child so I have no idea what you have been through, but I know the Lord is great and has your precious boys and daughter in His hands, whether on earth or in heaven (or in utero, which counts as on earth, imo).