I've Got Nothin'

Mother's Day always hits me kind of hard. It has since I was nine years old and my own mom died. I know I am very blessed to have my sweet family, and I do enjoy and cherish them on this day, but the joy is always laced with a bit of sadness. I tried hard to think of a post I could write today to encourage moms who have lost babies or sons and daughters who have lost moms and basically, I've got nothin'. It is hard. Plain and simple. Even when we know our loved ones are in a "better place" it is hard. Dreams die with them and the picture we envisioned for ourselves are forever changed. We grieve the loss of them, and the loss of the dream.

I will tell you that I made it through the day, and that is good enough for me. My family let me sleep in, took me to lunch at my FAVORITE little local drive in, and I was showered with handmade cards and a marigold from the "Mother's Day Bazaar". I spent time with my sweet grandma, the only woman I really knew as a mom, and had dinner with Howard's mom. I only broke down and cried twice, and I hate to admit but a couple of times I got snippy with my family. The Lord has sent many people to encourage me and love on me this week and though my heart hurts, I know He is good. I am blessed beyond measure and I am very thankful. I go to bed tonight with a heavy, and thankful heart.

Here is my post from last year, I am in much the same place and will be spending time tonight and tomorrow praying for the heavy hearts out there at this time of year:

Well, last year I shared some of my thoughts of my own mother on mothers day here. I would like to say I am at a better place with all of that but I cannot say that just yet. I am working on some things, but Mother's day still remains a day that brings stinging tears to my eyes and a sickness to my gut. ( It seems kind of a pointless day that just alienates those who are missing mothers or those who are missing children. I mean why not celebrate motherhood on your children's birth dates, the dates you became a mother rather than some arbitrary day in May?) OK sorry that was my rant.

I have much to be thankful for. I am very certain of this and I assure you that I am very aware of how blessed I am. For some reason I just really still struggle with Mother's day. I have since 1988 and am pretty sure I always will. I will never forget the Mother's Days in school where all of the kids made projects for their moms and I got taken aside to do an "alternate" project for my dad or my grandma. It always made me feel so much worse. I know the teachers were trying to be sensitive to my situation, but the whole thing just stunk. My heart would always sink as those project dates drew near. As a kid all you want to do is fit in and this was one time of year that I always felt like I stuck out like a sore thumb.

These days I no longer am in grade school, but have similar feelings still. Even as I sit with my own boys and create mother's day projects for grandmas. I think about how they will never know my mom. How they were cheated out of a grandmother. Cemetery visits should NOT have to be part of a Mother's Day celebration and in my life, for too long they have been.

I also think about the two boys I wish would be here to jump on the bed in the morning and cover me with sloppy kisses wishing me a happy Mother's day. There will be two boys who do that and for that I am so grateful, but there will still be two missing and their absence is felt very tangibly on days like Mother's Day.

This Mother's day I am still without a mother, I am the mother of FIVE children. Two in Heaven, two on earth, and one still growing inside my womb. There is a lot of hurt for me that comes with Mother's Day, but also joy. Joy that I have gotten to be the mother of five children. Joy that some women only dream of.

I think sometimes on Mother's Day we celebrate moms and what it means to be a mom, but I think we also forget, that for many this day opens wounds and stings an already broken heart. There are so many people out there who are motherless, and so many mothers who are childless. I will be spending some time tonight and tomorrow praying for those very hearts, and I ask that if you feel led you would join me. If you have a hurt or prayer request this Mother's Day, I would be so honored to pray for you specifically as I pray for the brokenhearted. You can leave a comment here or email me at kbolte01@gmail.com and I will surely spend time in prayer for your heart as I am so keenly aware of the hurt this day can stir up. But as aware as I am of that hurt, I am equally aware of the comfort that our Lord can and will bring and I will be praying for that comfort for each of the hearts hurting this Mother's Day. The Lord has been so good to me and has comforted my aching heart and I want Him to be able to do the same for you!