Friday, May 21, 2010

Tears


This week has been a tearful one for me. Howard and I decided it was time to clear out this house and have a HUGE yardsale, so we have been working each day on clearing out the unneeded stuff in this tiny house and at first I was excited and as I began the work, I could not believe how difficult it really was. Tears fell like rain all week. I have been a complete mess.

As I would open a box to go through it, depending on it's contents, it was like reopening an old wound. Random photos or cards amidst other things would bring tears of joy, tears of sorrow, tears of gratitude, tears of longing. The toughest part by far was going through the baby stuff. Howard and I have decided that unless God leads otherwise, we are done having children biologically. I have had five babies in six years and when Hope was born, the doctor saw a "window" in my uterus and suggested I at the least wait a few years before thinking of doing it again. Not to mention the brain issues Isaac and Asher had compounded by Isaac and Hope having EB. Suffice it to say, we are just not prepared to walk that road again, but if the Lord calls we will walk wherever He leads. We fully intend to adopt or foster one day. The cost of adoption though has our heads spinning and wondering if that is really an option.

That said, if He leads us down the path of having a baby again, whether it is through birth, adoption or foster care we know He will also provide the means and all of the necessities at that time. God had really placed it on my heart to dig through the baby stuff and get it into the hands of families who NEED it NOW! So I have been working hard going through things and finding families who would be blessed with it.

For some reason going through this baby stuff is hard. It is grief work. I am grieving a loss. And I never expected it to be like this. It is just STUFF and I am really not a STUFF kind of person. I had several meltdowns as I was sorting and felt so completely stupid for having such a hard time getting rid of STUFF! I am a sentimental gal, and when I would look at an outfit I would have memories of the kids wearing those outfits. I wasn't really attached to the outfit, just the memory that has gone with it. I have tried hard to breathe deeply and take in each moment, committing it to memory, because I know full well that sometimes tomorrow doesn't come.

My heart was so heavy all week. I am SO thankful for each of my five kids, I know well that there are many moms out there who will never get to hold ONE of their children, let alone FIVE miracles. I know how blessed I am, and yet this is just not how I pictured it. I imagined a house FULL of babies, I imagined rooms FULL of bunkbeds, not side by side cemetery plots in the baby section of the cemetery. I have three happy, healthy, busy children in this home and joy abounds, yet there is always something, someone(s), missing. I have two boys in Heaven who will never know pain and are right where they were meant to be. I will not see them play tball, or graduate from Kindergarten. I do not know if they would prefer Superman or Batman ( a fiercely debated topic in our home). It stings. As a mom, we want to know our children, we are the ones who know them best, and I was robbed of that. It is a hard pill to swallow.

THEN, this morning I woke up and my sweet mother in law took Ben for a while. I sat here just thoroughly enjoying Hope (the yardsale has been put off due to rain) we played and sang, we snuggled and I nursed her and rocked her to sleep all the while, tears ran down my face. My heart was so overflowing with gratitude and joy, that I thought my chest might burst. I still look at her each day and can't believe she is mine, the Lord trusted her to ME.

After I put her down for her nap I went back and looked at my first post after her birth. I was so scared. Scared doesn't even touch it, I was terrified. Her skin was blistering, we were headed to take our two day old baby to have a biopsy done, we were given the worst case scenario and we were just clinging to His promise that He had it all under control. We sure didn't.

I read through ALL of the comments that day and was again touched by the massive amount of people who have been praying for our family. I feel completely unworthy, yet am so thankful. As I read through the prayers for Hope, each. and. every. one. had been answered. She thrives and is completely healthy. I don't take that lightly. Not for one minute do I want to take for granted what the Lord has blessed us with. He has given, he has taken away, he has given, and taken away and yet through it all His love shines through so brightly I can barely see at times. My heart is forever broken, I guess it had to be. I mean all the joy that is in this heart needs that outlet so it doesn't explode! :) Once again, sorrowful, yet rejoicing! :)

4Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; 5in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; 6in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; 7in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; 8through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; 9known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; 10sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything. 2 Corinthians 6:4-10



7 comments:

Trisha Larson said...

I just cleaned out and sold all of my baby stuff at a garage sale last month. I am still hoping and praying that God will bless us with another but after 2 years of trying...it's not looking too good.

I am sad that my kids are growing up too. I pushed a stroller for 10 years straight and if Nate would have lived...I'd still be pushing one. I am not ready for this season of life to be done. There just doesn't seem to be anything that I can do to stop it.

So...I too am focusing on the Joy and the moments at hand. Trying not to look forward or back. Trying to embrace today!!!

Hugs,
Trisha

Carla said...

wow...thats what I went through a couple years ago when we decided to be done making babies. It was SO hard...I still don't know exactly why we decided that...other than it was kind of assumed. I really grieved as I gave away our baby stuff. I knew someday I wanted to foster or adopt (my husband wasn't "there" yet). We are still waiting on God's timing as far as adopting but have now had six different precious babes in our care. Someday I'm sure we will adopt out of the foster system...it's so needed...and basically free.

May God bless you, comfort you and lead you with each step and season you enter.

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Beautiful post from a beautiful heart...

As Angie Smith recently shared in her book, I Will Carry You...

Joy and grief do seem to dance together.

I love how you shared your heart here...and I can relate in so many ways.

Praising God for the miracle of Hope's life...and for all the miracles we've experienced through the lives of our children.

Love to you..

Not so Molly Mormon Afterall said...

I have been watching your journey from afar, you have wonderful wisdom and strength. I wanted you to know that people are mourning with you, even though you don't know it. Our son passed 17 years ago in the 8th month of my pregnancy and it's been a long road. I am so thankful to have the Gospel of Jesus Christ in my life to help me through it.

Nicole said...

Weird...I was doing the very same thing today...as far as "cleaning house" goes...I know exactly how you feel. Hugs!

Divine Mrs D said...

This is so beautiful. I am so glad that you have been showered with blessings!

Mom Of Five said...

Hi Kristy..I have followed your blog for a long, long time. I don't blog, not very good on the computer and my five kids keep me going I don't know how you all do it :) I have been reading Cooper's Mama blog for a long time too but now I can't catch up. Wondered about the new baby girl. I don't know how to get her ta approve me. Any ideas??? Thanks, your family is gorgeous. Thanks, Jenny Arostegui (Raleigh, NC.)