I have sat down to blog countless times over the past few months and each time I sit to type, I just cannot force my fingers to tap away. I sit here and think about what to type and mostly, I've got nothing. Over the past week or so I have tried to do a lot of self reflection to see where I am. To check my heart as a mother, a wife, a friend, a daughter, and a follower of Jesus. Honestly, I'd be ashamed to share my report card.
I have been in a weird funk. I have felt isolated and alone. As strange as it sounds, I miss the closeness I felt with God during and after the losses of my sweet boys. Things were crystal clear then. It was all about survival. I had no one to cling to but Him, and cling I did. Now, I fear I have become a bit complacent.
As I went about my morning chores this morning, I was thinking of God. I have been really working on the condition of my heart and one of my struggles is "doing things as unto the Lord" I keep a pretty clean house and cook pretty well and serve my family, but not always with the joyful heart the Lord would have me serve with. As I went to water my plants this morning, I realized it had been a while since I had watered them. They were parched and droopy. I do not have a green thumb and those poor plants go through torture. I seem to only remember to water them when they are near to dead.
The thing is, I have been treating my spiritual life and walk with God much the same way as those poor plants, I only water it and care for it when it is in desperate need, when things are going wrong, or when I am really down, but not on a daily basis. I have had a great summer with my family. We have done a lot of fun things and spent a lot of time together, but when it comes to taking time with God, I have been very neglectful. I have had nothing to write because I am parched.
My vibrance and gusto for the Lord have wilted like the leaves on my African Violet. Weary, parched and ugly I drag myself to bed each night falling asleep before my head hits the pillow.
I have been burning the candle at both ends, trying to be the helpmate to Howard, the teacher my kids need, the mom who can juggle it all...canning, baking, cleaning, gardening, etc. And let's be honest...no one can keep all of those balls in the air, especially when they are not taking the time to refuel themselves. In an effort to pour as much of myself possible into the family I love so dearly, I have run the kettle dry.
In an effort to be everything to everyone, I had pretty much eliminated my devotion time, exercise time, heck, even shower time some days. (ew, I know). The thing is, I thought all of this would make me more productive and it has had only the opposite effect. I am run down, weary and of no use to anyone.
In discussing this with a few friends, I realized that I was going about things all wrong, I was putting the cart before the horse so to speak. I am now working hard to find myself and my PASSION for the Lord again. I want to be on fire for Him. I want to be used by Him. I am reworking my schedule and my priorities as we start this new school year and it feels good.
So, hopefully with a renewed spirit I will begin regular blogging/journaling again as the Lord works on me. So stay tuned...He is not done here yet! :)
Please also share with me your tips for making sure you refuel and reconnect with God daily. I know we all lead busy lives, and need to make this a priority and would love to hear how some of you manage it all. :)