I have blogged before about my struggle with letting go of "things" that have memories attached to them. I know full well that those things do not hold the memory, and yet I found myself this summer in a basement flooded with water forced to begin to do the hard work of sorting and purging.
It has been a long process. I am still struggling. It wasn't until I took a very careful look at our finances that I decided that it was in fact time to do some really hard work and get us out of our debt. We accumulated a lot of credit card debt after having Isaac and Asher, for expenses related to their medical care and funerals and just for travel expenses, meals out because I was too exhausted to cook, and from just making stupid decisions when chest deep in grief.
I have had a stirring in my heart for a while now about eliminating this debt so that our money is truly God's and not tied down to our debts.
I decided it was time to consign and Craigslist EVERYTHING. We had a huge yardsale and made several hundred dollars. I struggled especially letting go of the baby things, but at the same time it was a relief.
I am not certain if God will grow our family any further or if our family is complete. I am however certain that when He makes that decision, He will also take care of the details. At this point I do not feel at all at peace about birthing any more children, but foster care has always been on our hearts.
Last night I went through the remainder of the baby clothes and separated them into boxes for friends who have recently had babies. It was hard, but also sweet to know their wee ones will wear my precious babes' clothing. The boy's clothes are much harder for me. I can't shake the heaviness of the thoughts that two more of MY boys should have worn those clothes. Six LARGE boxes of clothes were taken today.
It all became a little much tonight when a woman called because she was interested in the boys' crib bedding I had posted on Craigslist. I had posted it TWO months ago. NOW I get a bite! She was crunched for time and wanted to come see it immediately. My heart sunk. That sweet bedding was the very thing I agonized over for Luke. I wanted it to be perfect. It took months of searching before we found the perfect set. I had a huge shower and received ALL of the pieces for Luke's nursery. I remember painting his tiny room in our tiny mobile home seven years ago. I was thrilled with the outcome and enjoyed using the set in a different way in our new home when Ben came home.
Tonight, a Subaru pulled up to my home, a woman got out, came in, took one look and said "I'll take it". She handed me the money and I boxed up the whole set for her. It wasn't until she pulled out of the driveway that the tears began to fall. Oh how I wish that bedding had nestled four boys instead of two. My heart was torn. I am a mess. I know that it was just a bedding set. I know that another little guy will now get his start snuggled into the soft jersey sheets that my boys snuggled in. It really was doing no one any good in a Rubbermaid bin in my basement, so WHY DOES IT STILL HURT?
I am pretty much a mess tonight. It seems I cannot find balance. I feel like a crazy clown juggling a million balls, among them, God, Marriage, Children, Family, Debt, Housekeeping, Gardening, Canning, Reading, Showering, Sleeping, and right now I feel like I can't keep them all in the air. Everything is struggling, I can't juggle it all, I just spent the past hour in a dented minivan (a vehicle who knows extreme emotion well) just sitting and crying out to God. I just am not sure what it is I am supposed to be doing right now. I feel pretty much like a failure at everything. I am broken, sad and alone. The good news is, that I know that in this state, God will use me. He must be working on something. Right?