Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Letting Go

I have blogged before about my struggle with letting go of "things" that have memories attached to them. I know full well that those things do not hold the memory, and yet I found myself this summer in a basement flooded with water forced to begin to do the hard work of sorting and purging.

It has been a long process. I am still struggling. It wasn't until I took a very careful look at our finances that I decided that it was in fact time to do some really hard work and get us out of our debt. We accumulated a lot of credit card debt after having Isaac and Asher, for expenses related to their medical care and funerals and just for travel expenses, meals out because I was too exhausted to cook, and from just making stupid decisions when chest deep in grief.

I have had a stirring in my heart for a while now about eliminating this debt so that our money is truly God's and not tied down to our debts.

I decided it was time to consign and Craigslist EVERYTHING. We had a huge yardsale and made several hundred dollars. I struggled especially letting go of the baby things, but at the same time it was a relief.

I am not certain if God will grow our family any further or if our family is complete. I am however certain that when He makes that decision, He will also take care of the details. At this point I do not feel at all at peace about birthing any more children, but foster care has always been on our hearts.

Last night I went through the remainder of the baby clothes and separated them into boxes for friends who have recently had babies. It was hard, but also sweet to know their wee ones will wear my precious babes' clothing. The boy's clothes are much harder for me. I can't shake the heaviness of the thoughts that two more of MY boys should have worn those clothes. Six LARGE boxes of clothes were taken today.

It all became a little much tonight when a woman called because she was interested in the boys' crib bedding I had posted on Craigslist. I had posted it TWO months ago. NOW I get a bite! She was crunched for time and wanted to come see it immediately. My heart sunk. That sweet bedding was the very thing I agonized over for Luke. I wanted it to be perfect. It took months of searching before we found the perfect set. I had a huge shower and received ALL of the pieces for Luke's nursery. I remember painting his tiny room in our tiny mobile home seven years ago. I was thrilled with the outcome and enjoyed using the set in a different way in our new home when Ben came home.

Tonight, a Subaru pulled up to my home, a woman got out, came in, took one look and said "I'll take it". She handed me the money and I boxed up the whole set for her. It wasn't until she pulled out of the driveway that the tears began to fall. Oh how I wish that bedding had nestled four boys instead of two. My heart was torn. I am a mess. I know that it was just a bedding set. I know that another little guy will now get his start snuggled into the soft jersey sheets that my boys snuggled in. It really was doing no one any good in a Rubbermaid bin in my basement, so WHY DOES IT STILL HURT?

I am pretty much a mess tonight. It seems I cannot find balance. I feel like a crazy clown juggling a million balls, among them, God, Marriage, Children, Family, Debt, Housekeeping, Gardening, Canning, Reading, Showering, Sleeping, and right now I feel like I can't keep them all in the air. Everything is struggling, I can't juggle it all, I just spent the past hour in a dented minivan (a vehicle who knows extreme emotion well) just sitting and crying out to God. I just am not sure what it is I am supposed to be doing right now. I feel pretty much like a failure at everything. I am broken, sad and alone. The good news is, that I know that in this state, God will use me. He must be working on something. Right?


Michelle said...

Thinking of you tonight. I'll say a prayer for you! I have a hard time letting go of my kids baby clothes as I have so hoped and prayed for 'just one more' but it hasn't happened yet. :( Praying God will hold you close tonight and comfort you in only a way that He can. :)

Ronda said...

Kristy, my heart hurts for you. I hope that in letting go of these things you can find some peace in your heart. I can't imagine the loss you have experienced, but I pray that you are ok.


Erika said...

kristy, i know i commented on fb about this- but i just wanted to say that i have been there (and was even talking with devon about this very issue earlier tonight!)...

we recently sold our glider- and i have so many memories of being pregnant with vivian and annemarie and sitting in that chair and rocking. why did i sell it? i was being practical-but yes, the tears did fall.

and when i was pregnant with v&a, i sold our single stroller- and i miss that, too. i know it's just a stroller, but it was my first-born's stroller...the one i picked out for her and took her everywhere in...i know it's JUST a stroller- but these baby years are so fleeting, and especially when you want something tangible to hold on to to remember the babies who aren't here.

i get it...and just want to give you a hug. ((((hugs))) i am proud of you for getting rid of debt and making space in your house- it's just HARD. (((hugs)))

melissa said...

I know He is working on u. Praying for u as u go through this part of your journey. Much love

Laurie in Ca. said...

I am praying for you Kristy and my heart hurts for you. God is using you all the time sweet friend and you bless me so much by being you. He is going to be faithful in getting you through these hard emotional times. I am here for you and love you so much.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Danae Hudson said...

I hope that you would do foster care. It's been on our hearts too and I've met children who had no where else to turn to and could use your big heart.

I read a poem today from Streams in the Desert...and I thought of it when I was reading it. If you have it, it's on page 266-267 and it's the September 5th entry.

Heather said...

I understand what you're saying. Praying that God gives you comfort and guidance during this time.

Rob and Jordan said...

My heart hurts for you and I just wept with you reading through this post. Esp that last paragraph. But, as I was reading it.. it struck me when you said .."I dont know what to do.." bc you were doing EXACTLY what you are suppossed to be doing. You said you were "crying out to God" in your van. He doesnt expect you to be skipping and singing walking through this suffering He has laid before you.. He just expects YOU! He just wants YOU. Look at the life of David.. read through his psalms. He poured his heart out before the Lord.. whether it be anger, deep, intense grief, sadness, frustration, fear, regret... ALL OF IT! AND... the Lord was PLEASED with David. The Lord looked WITH FAVOR upon him, because David gave Him his heart- whatever the condition. There is nothing to make it better, so I wont even attempt, but there is comfort in knowing that He just wants you to run TO Him and NOT away. Do not be discouraged or feel guilty, you are doing the BEST you can (even (and esp) when you dont feel that way!)!!!! Praying the God of peace brings your weary soul rest today.

Geri Kelly said...

I am praying for you on these hard days. I know there are no words of comfort strong enough. You and your family remain in my prayers.

A said...

All I can say to you is that I am so incredibly sorry that your heart is hurting this way. Although I cant even begin to fathom what its like to lose a child and have to let go of things that hold so many memories, I do understand what its like to literally have no where else to go but the feet of Jesus. He is with you, Kristy and He DOES have something so wonderful planned for your future. If I have learned one thing in the past year and a half- its that there will always be a better... we cant imagine it during the present but when we are able to look at our past and see how far we've come, that is when God's plan really starts to make sense. I think about you so often and wear my Isaac and Asher shirt to celebrate your sweet boys probably weekly. Sending huge hugs and prayers your way tonight!

Inkling said...

I don't know if this will come out right, but maybe the tears falling as the bedding was taken away so quickly was another layer in the processing of grief and trauma. For you, it's not just baby stuff. The loss of two of your boys makes it so much more than just "baby stuff".

Today I had a panic attack as I drove to the office that houses both my former maternity care providers and the pediatrician we use for our son. I had been needing to go pick up some paperwork for almost a month for my son from the pediatrician, but couldn't get up the nerve to go back in and risk seeing any of the staff involved in the malpractice that led to my horrific birth injury. So when I did go in and gut it through the rising panic, the dam broke as soon as I made it back to the elevator and the tears wouldn't stop falling.

For me, it wasn't just an office visit. It was a reminder of the grief and loss caused by that trauma. It was yet another layer of grief in this whole process of letting go and finding healing. That sounds like where you are today. I think you are really courageous for letting go of those things in the middle of your grieving. I will be taking you to Jesus just as I crawl up in His lap myself.

~ Sara in BC

Rachel said...

Praying for you Kristi that God continues to bring you peace as you miss those sweet boys in heaven. Praying that you are able to vision them swaddled in the loving arms of our Father, in a lovely home He had carefully prepared for them. Even as He is preparing a place for you one day to come home to. Praying for your heart to enjoy your sweet ones here on earth as you anticipate your joyful reunion where your family will be reunited.
Hugs and Prayers

Lori said...

We spent the better part of today cleaning out the basement. Or trying too...it's a several day project.

Tubs and tubs of clothing and books for Matthew. He was outfitted for the next 3 years.

I know much of things bought for Matthew will be able to be used for Luke, but that doesn't make it any easier because I know that they were bought for Matthew.

Cleaning out Matthew's nursery in order to get it ready to be Luke's is killing me. I don't want a shrine, know that there's no purpose in keeping his bedding or all the things so purposely and lovingly picked out, bought and received, but...

It's just killing me.

Thinking of you....

Emily said...

Right. Days late, I just found these words and I hope your heart has found some healing since.

Tell Howard to be nice(r) to our sanctuary, k? :) It's just dented enough to have personality. Any more and it might enter into hoopty (hooptie? hooptee? how do you spell that?) status.

Love you so. Praying GOOD things come from this pain.