When I think of the idea of Mother's day, the words that come to mind are "gut wrenching". I woke up this morning, after waking several times last night with various children and the "Mother's Day" wall hit. I pulled the covers over my head and began to cry, I then decided to jump in the shower where tears streamed down my hot cheeks as I tried to gain some perspective on a day that brings so much mixed emotion.
I have always for as long as I can remember dreaded Mother's day. To me it seemed just another made up holiday to make people buy flowers and candy and a day for some to celebrate while others hide in their closet and cry For some people to flaunt the relationship they have while others mourn what they don't. Kind of like Valentine's day.
It is true. My own mother took her own life when I was nine years old. She left me motherless and broken and I will never be the same girl I once was. My reality was changed forever. As a kid, Mother's Day for me was getting shuffled to another classroom while all the other kids made Mother's Day gifts, so that I wouldn't feel bad, they meant well, but it always magnified the loss for me. I have no idea what it would be like to have a mother to call when my heart has been broken, when I am not feeling well and need a hand or to go have coffee or lunch to celebrate life's joys. I try to imagine what that might be like because I desperately want my children to know what that is like, but sometimes I fear I have been so scarred that it is tough for me to be what I do not know.
As I sit here in bed at this moment typing on these keys, I am determined to turn this day around. It hurts to be without my mom and it hurts like Hell to be missing Isaac and Asher. My heart hurts...BUT, I have Luke, Benjamin and Hope here. The Lord has trusted me with training them and I have such a desire to do it well. The time I get to invest in them IS an investment in their eternity and I am so grateful that I get to be the mom to each of them. All five of my kids have blessed me beyond words. Being the mom to Howard's children has proved to be the toughest task of my life but also the most amazingly rewarding. These children have taught me so much and they really do inspire me to do better. They deserve all God intends for them and God has trusted me with making sure they know His love.
Motherhood is tough. Motherhood is exhausting and thankless and heartbreaking. Motherhood has stretched me beyond my own capacity and taught me what it means to trust in the Lord, it has taught me what love is. It makes me want to strive to be the woman God wants me to be for them. Because of those five little blessings, I want to be a better person. Motherhood has brought intense laughter and anguishing tears.
So, I guess, really why should Mother's day be any different? Motherhood is an amazing gift that entails all of the most intense emotions a woman can experience. It involves allowing a part of ourselves to be exposed, a part we never knew existed. For me, Mother's day is much the same. It is, like motherhood, filled with heartbreak and loss, but also so much more...it is filled with hope and joy and love. It is worth every tear and broken heart.
Our Father is orchestrating something so much greater than we even know. He chooses each mother for her children and each child for that mother. It is no accident that my motherhood journey has taken the winding twists and turns that it has. Each experience in my life is shaping me into the mother, wife and woman that the Lord wants me to be and for that I am grateful. I am beyond thankful for Lucas Robert, Isaac Matthew, Benjamin Oliver, Asher Joseph and Hope Amelia. They have each made me love deeper, live harder and cherish each moment. The gift the Lord has given me in those five little people humbles me to my knees. I don't deserve any of them and yet He has blessed me still. The idea of cards and gifts seems so insignificant in comparison to the gifts they give me every day. I am thankful to just get to be their mommy. I don't take the job the Lord has given me lightly and I pray that in the coming year I am able to honor Him and train them in the way they should go.
So I woke up crying, and tears will likely fall throughout the day, but the joy is there too. It is always there. I will spend the day rejoicing that the Lord chose me for this journey and I will give thanks that I get to live this life. For me the journey of motherhood is full of sorrow and full of joy and it is through sorrow and joy that I get to grow and love the family the Lord has blessed me with. Motherhood is beautiful, but sometimes it is finding the beautiful in the ugly. I am determined to seek out the beautiful and celebrate that today.
Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything. 2 Corinthians 6:10
This IS the day that the Lord has made, I WILL be glad and rejoice in it!