Four Years Gone By

Four years ago I sat in a hospital bed making some of the most monumental decisions I will likely ever make.  We prepared to meet our sweet fourth born son under circumstances no one would ever wish for.  I think back on that day and sometimes find myself wishing I could freeze time right then...February 22, 2008 right around 2:30 pm.  Asher entered this broken world and brought a deep joy and happiness I had never known.  Through Asher the Lord showed me His presence.  Never have I ever felt Him more tangibly than that day as some of the dearest people gathered around us and sat Shiva. It was the most sacred day I have known.

Here I sit, February 22, 2012 and I want to say that it is all okay, that I am at peace and that it truly is well with my soul.  By and large, those things are true.  I have accepted that this is the journey the Lord has called me on.  He has been long preparing my heart for something I couldn't even fathom, and as we stand on the cusp of that something, my heart still aches to hold that tiny 4.1 pound miracle just once more.  It IS well with my soul, but it still hurts like crazy.  I sit here tonight, three children sleeping soundly in their beds and two in the arms of their Heavenly Father.  I am grateful, but it still stings.  I long for the day "He makes all sad things come untrue".  I am sorrowful, yet rejoicing because though the loss is agony, the gain is far more.

I think the thing that stings most is as I walk about my day today, there wont be a four year old ginger haired little boy bounding after me with dreams of cake and balloons and presents.  To anyone looking in from the outside it will look like a day just like the rest...no visible reminder to the world that Asher was here, and that crushes me.  It is so hard to learn how to celebrate a birthday like this...without the birthday boy.  We celebrate him every day, but our children here in our home, look forward to their Heavenly brothers' birthdates because they know they mean celebration, I love that.  If you are reading this, could you do me a favor and celebrate him too?  He has changed me forever and shown me depths of heart that I never knew existed.  He brought a deep joy and gladness into our lives, our Happy.  Would you celebrating him by bringing joy into the life of someone else today this week, his month, in his honor?  It would do this mama's heart good to know my sweet babe has not been forgotten and that he lives on.


And, if you know someone who is walking this earth without someone they hold dear, would you sit Shiva with that friend, and be His hands and feet to them?  A grieving heart needs to be acknowledged, don't be afraid to speak the name of the one who is missed.  It might bring tears, but they are likely tears of gratitude, I will never tire of hearing the names of any of my children spoken aloud and for Isaac and Asher it doesn't happen as often as my heart longs for and I cherish it when it does.  Don't be afraid, enter into their pain and just be with them there.  This, is what Jesus would do.

Happy Fourth Birthday my sweet Asher Joseph.  You are forever missed and loved.  Your life has been an immeasurable gift and we are SO grateful we were chosen to receive it.  May we never forget all you have taught us in your 35 minutes on this earth.