Saturday, May 12, 2012

Mighty To Save

Mother's Day...

Since losing my mother in 1988, Mother's Day has always been a day I dreaded. It has been a day that I've wanted to just pull the covers over my head and forget. As a child, making Mom's Day crafts, for an alternate family member or inviting an alternate family member to a Mother's Day banquet was almost like twisting a knife in a wound. For me it was always a reminder of what wasn't, of what I desperately missed and yet would never know. I ached, a piece of me missing, a gaping wound in my broken heart that no one else could fill.

That sorrow took on a whole new meaning when in 2005 my second son went from the arms of my husband, his earthly father straight into the arms of his Heavenly Father. Mother's Day was doubly hard as a daughter missing her mom, AND as a mom missing her son. Mother's Day seemed like a day simply to exploit the brokenness in my life. Losing Asher in 2008 only compounded the pain.

For decades now, Mother's Day swoops in in May and steals my joy, bringing to my knees as tears fall and I mourn what has been lost. I have dreaded Mother's Day for so long that I have had no idea how to embrace it. I have been blessed with healthy children and being their mother is an honor like no other. I want to celebrate that, yet I've not known how. The void is too big, too gaping and too raw.

This year, I am trying desperately to break the cycle. Mother's Day doesn't steal my joy. Satan does. He swoops in and pulls the rug right out from under me, reminding me of all that's been lost and making me yearn for and even envy those who celebrate without the sorrow and loss. He reminds me of how I fall short and am nothing to be celebrated myself. The thing is...he can only do that if I let him. If I focus my eyes upward, I see a God who is MIGHTY to save. I see a God who has held my quivering grief filled body through each and every loss. I see a God who has shown me comfort that I would never have known otherwise. I see a God who has never left, who has wiped each tear and picked me up and led me onward.

Mother's Day will likely always be bittersweet. Being a mother is one of the greatest honors the Lord has bestowed upon me, but the scars of loss still ache a bit. I am coming to accept the fact that they likely always will. Much like life, we are constantly swaying between grief and joy and it is a journey, and one that will likely never end. All we can do is keep our focus on Him and surrender. We give it to him, all the hurt, grief, anger and bitterness. We lay it at his feet and we walk away. We leave it. He is good. He has a good plan and he will work each and every ugly hurt out for our good. He will. I have seen it. I look back at where I have been and where I stand and I am awestruck, it doesn't negate the pain, but gives it purpose.

I sit here tonight thinking of all of my friends out there dreading tomorrow. Some of you have just lost your own mom, some have lost a precious child, some long to be mothers, some are mothers who have given up their children. I think about the despair and raw heartache. My heart breaks because I know a bit about that ache. I believe God has really been speaking to my heart today. I wish I had magic words to offer, unfortunately there are none.

Friends, if a taste of bitter is what you are feeling as Mother's Day approaches, let me encourage you. It might take twenty four years, but one day it will hurt less. One day you will be able to breathe again. One day you will be able to go outside the safety of your home on Mother's day and not want to punch every daughter taking her own mom for granted or mom taking her children for granted. God is with you today. Our savior, he can move mountains....I have witnessed it. He is mighty to save, and he wants so desperately to save you. He CONQUERED the grave! He did...he did it for you and for me. For me, dreading Mother's Day, I believe became a habit. I am going to break that habit right now, replacing it with looking it as an opportunity to pray specifically for each hurting heart out there...each heart that is dreading Mother's Day.

We serve a God who is so much bigger than we can fathom. We serve a God who has plans we couldn't dream up if we tried. He wants good things for us, and sometimes pain is part of that. It sucks, but I promise there is purpose. He conquered the grave, His power is within us, and weeping may last for the night but I am here to tell you that JOY comes in the morning...sometimes it takes years, but it comes if you accept it. I have felt for so long that I needed to dread Mother's Day because of all of the sorrow it reminds me of and that if I did not weep and grieve on this date that I was doing a disservice to my grief, but I am learning that I can allow the joy to come. I can celebrate because God has conquered all of it. My feet are firmly planted upon the Rock and He has proven Himself to be a faithful and loving God. I can celebrate in SPITE of all of the pain because His grace and His hope are GREATER than all of it.

So, tomorrow is likely to be bittersweet, but I sure am going to relish in the sweet because if you had told me a year ago we'd be the parents to a half dozen children, four on earth and two in Heaven, I'd have though you nuts, but not our God...he is so creative, so merciful and so loving and his plans for us are good. You might be in a pit of despair right now, and it is okay to hurt, to really enter that pain and allow yourself to feel it, walk through the muck and the mire, and place your feet upon that Solid Rock, because He IS mighty to save and he will bring beauty from the ashes. There is purpose in the pain. He promises he will and he keeps his promises. It is okay to be where you day you will breathe day He will make all sad things come untrue. He is the only One who can fill the void, and He will...if you let him. The positive may never outweigh or make up for the negative...but even in the negative...He is there.


Tracey said...

Thank you for writing this...

Jenn @Treasuring Lifes Blessings said...

Thank you for sharing! With this being my 2nd Mother's Day since one of my children died, it is definitely bittersweet and a mix of emotions. I too am a momma to 6 and I thank God for each of those blessings, no matter where they live! {{{hugs}}}

zanesmommy said...

So well written. So true and so touching. It is such an honor to be entrusted with our children but so hard not to have them with us. Then not to have your mother. So painful. Love you dear friend and can't wait to hear how your loves celebrated you!

5Binders said...

This was beautiful!! I have not lost my mother, or any of my earthly children, although I have had 5 miscarriages between my 3 earthly children. 5 years ago, my mom lost her mother on May 1st, my oldest child's 5th birthday, and didn't want to spend Mothers day with me. I tried to understand, and loved her from afar that year. The next year, her stepmom died, again on May 1st, and again, that year my mom wanted to be alone. Then still, for the next 2 years, she still didn't want to see me. While I tried to understand, I was very hurt. As her daughter, I wanted to be with her, to celebrate her as my mom, but she was to hurt to have it. This year, she agreed, and it was a beautiful day. I told her how much I loved her and begged her for weeks before to let me have the day with her. When she tried to refuse, the only words I had for her were " I can't tell you I understand, because I don't, but I can't tell you that I miss you. As YOUR child, I want to honor you, do special things for you, more than the norm, for this day, and I'm feeling as though I don't have a mother on this day because I am not able to do special things for you, but I will try to understand if you say no.". She did say yes!!! Itwasabeautiful, bittersweet day for us. I made dinner, had flowers, and made her a collage with pics of her and her mother, and a second of her and her stepmom. We also went to the cemetery to put down flowers, and just be for awhile.
While I can't understand fully your pain, I'm so glad that you are still able to let your kids love a child that wasn't able for 4 years, I can tell you it hurts. My mom said she didn't realize that it was hurting me as well, and she needed to wake up and realize she was still a mom. Thank you so much for writing this Kristy, and I hope you had a blessed day remembering the good times with your mom, and letting your kids love you!!!!

She said...

Thank you. That's all. :)

Unknown said...

I love your family's story.

I love YOU!

I also love the fact that you continue to witness here on your blog and in the way you're raising your kiddos.

Mother's Day has been hard for me...and your post made me realize that the loss of five unborn babies AND my uterus may have something to do with that, you know?

Is it sad I never had connected the dots?

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

This post is so full of hope and truth...and because of Him there is hope and healing. One day, those in the pits of despair will breathe again.

And, this sentence, is why I love you:
"One day you will be able to go outside the safety of your home on Mother's day and not want to punch every daughter taking her own mom for granted or mom taking her children for granted."

You get it.

I've been so out of the bloggy loop. I was feeling a lot of the same wrestlings on Mother's Day, as I often do, especially since my mother passed away. But God is faithful...and He is always good.

I get it, too.

Love to you...