Maximize Your Mornings

God has really been putting a lot of things on my heart lately and I am dying to share them but I really am not even at a place to put most of it into words just yet. Most of it deals with being more intentional with my time, as a woman of God, wife, and mother. I take my job seriously, but sometimes I get my priorities mixed up. Often times cleaning and housekeeping come before all of those other things and, well, while I FIRMLY believe that housekeeping is important, when things are not prioritized, all things tend to crumble, and while we are doing ok in the Bolte house, I see great room for improvement.

My goal here is to be a woman of God, a woman who has a passion and fire for our Lord, who is in the word daily and is living out the life God called me to live. I want to love Howard well and completely, I want to raise my children to love and fear the Lord and I hope to live out my life in a way that allows me to be the hands and feet of Jesus, living by example and not just by words.

One of the WORST times of day for me is morning. I am ashamed to admit it but in our household, our mornings go a little something like this...

6:50 a.m. Howard gets up and gets ready for work

7:10 a.m. Howard leaves and Hope wakes up.

7:11 a.m. I begrudgingly get out of bed to get Hope, I get her a drink and we snuggle on the couch and watch the morning news.

7:30 a.m. I go in to wake Luke and then go out to make his breakfast

7:35 a.m. I go in and remind him to get up.

7:40 a.m. I now coax him out of bed in a less than pleasant manner. ;)

7:45 a.m. Luke gets dressed and I continually ask him if he is done

7:50 a.m. He sits down and begins to eat

8:00 a.m. It is time for Luke to brush his teeth but he has still not even started eating

8:00 a.m. Luke crams as much food in his face as he can

8:05 a.m. Luke brushes teeth while I put his shoes on him.

8:10 a.m. I help him get his jacket on backpack on and out the door

The bus picks him up sometime between 8:13 and 8:16

I then begin getting the little ones breakfast and dressed for the day

At this point I am already out of steam. I feel like I have wrestled a giant and lost. I have sent Luke off to school all the while barking at him to move on to the next task. I feel like I send him off with a less than stellar start and I begin my day feeling defeated. It sets the tone for the day most days and I want better for my family. I don't want to give them what's left of me, I want to give them the best of me.

I have been praying on this for a while now, unsure of where to even begin and I feel like the Lord has really been telling me that I need to get up earlier. BEFORE everyone. I need to get myself up and together and right with the Lord before encountering my family and their needs. NOW, this is hard for me. I am a night owl by nature and I LOVE to sleep in. Hope still is NOT consistently sleeping through the nights and I am more than tired in the morning. I also struggle because we live in a small home so if I get up early, it tends to then wake everyone else and then I feel like my initial effort has been negated.

I have been fighting Him tooth and nail on this and coming up with every excuse in the book and I feel like today it has sucker punched me in the face. Every verse I went to, every click on the computer brought me to the conclusion that it is time. It is time to change my ways and get my hiney out of bed. EVEN if everyone else wakes up ten minutes after I get up, I will have at least had ten minutes to pray and get up. I will set myself right with the Lord and begin my day with Him so that He can shine through me the rest of the day. I will make my husband coffee and be sure his lunch is ready to go before he is up, I will send everyone off with a kiss and a smile, so that their days start in a way that will help them set the tone for a great day.

I came upon a blog today that I have fallen madly in love with. It is called Inspired to Action and the author there has started a Maximize Your Morning Challenge. I LOVE this idea, because for me a huge tool to keep me on track is accountability! I need others to hold me accountable. This week's goal is SIMPLY getting out of bed early. I would love it if you would check out this site, download the ebook and join us on this mission to become passionate homemakers who put God first, first in life and first in the day. If you have a blog, be sure to link up! I am so excited to see how God uses this to make me a better, daughter of Him, wife, and mom!

Kids Will Be Kids!

Rub a Dub Dub, 3 Boltes in a Tub

Four of the TOUGHEST guys I know!

Baby girl ready for a football game at Daddy's school, sporting her first shiner.

These boots were made for walkin'....and that's just what they'll do...one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over YOU! :)

Fifteen Months

Ok, so I have fallen behind. Hope turned SIXTEEN months this week, but we just had her Fifteen Month Well Baby Visit. Here is what's up...

Hope is weighing in at just over 17 and a half pounds and is 29 1/2 inches tall. The doctor isn't very happy with that. She has gained about a pound since her 12 month visit and has grown 2 inches. Her weight has fallen off the chart from the third percentile and the doctor wants me to start her on Pediasure STAT. After trying to wean her from her acid reflux meds (Prevacid) we decided she was not ready for that yet...she quit eating and sleeping within the week and is back to doing both now that she has been back on for a week. She is also having some trouble with her scalp. It is very dry and flaky and her hair seems to be thinning a bit on top. The pediatrician prescribed a cream because he was afraid it was a fungus...I am not so sure. I am going to take her to the dermatologist on Monday because she is due for a visit anyhow and see what they say. I have no idea where she would get a fungal infection since her brothers do not have it. I think she just has super sensitive skin and maybe I need NOT put pigtails in her hair all the time. We shall see. A second opinion never hurts right?

As for the weight gain, I have decided to take a wait and see approach. She has a weight check in a couple of weeks. I don't want to put her on Pediasure if it isn't absolutely necessary. I am trying hard to feed the kids whole, natural, real foods and the first two ingredients in Pediasure are water, and sugar. Plus a whole lot of chemicals and preservatives put into a can and sold as nutrition. (OFF your soapbox Kristy!) Anyway, we stocked up on foods she loves, avacadoes, yogurt, beans, bananas, and the like and are gonna try to do it the natural way.

Don't get me wrong. IF I really thought she was not thriving, I would do it, but she is...we counted...she says about 80 words, runs, walks, follows commands, plays, eats, and even has gone on the potty a couple of times. She is not lacking in development. She looks healthy and I am thinking she might be a small girl.

That said, the doctor's words still stick right there in the back of my mind making me doubt. We will see how things go in a couple of weeks and go from there. Otherwise she is doing great! She is just starting to sleep through the night. She goes to bed around 8, wakes up at midnight for a quick snuggle, and then has been sleeping until 7 or 8 which is HUGE for us!

What, Mom? I am fine!

Sitting on the step waiting with Luke for the Bus, eating a freshly harvested pepper in her brother's old Firetruck PJ's.

Roasted Red Pepper hummus by the spoonful!

So smart she is playing chess!

Black bean and pineapple salsa at Paladar on a girls day!

Hey, it's Moses! Oh wait! Those babies in baskets are the Boltes! :)

Getting SO big (despite the numbers) and such a happy girl!

Albion Fair 2010

In case I haven't explained before, we live in a VERY rural part of Pennsylvania in a farming community. One of the HIGHLIGHTS of each year is our local fair. Our family is pretty hard core when it comes to the fair. We pretty much go EVERY night from Tuesday to Saturday. This year the fair was September 14-18 and we did it right! :) We went EVERY day, even the night of the tornado warnings (though we scooted just in time to dodge even a raindrop). The kids had A BLAST, learned a ton, and got very dirty. It was a wonderful week for sure...here are some of the highlights...

FIRST...let's not lie...THIS is what the fair is all about. These particular french fries. They are made by a local church and there is just NOTHING like them. Seriously. They are the bomb!

Hope enjoyed the parade on Saturday. It was a beautiful, sunny and warm day!

Ben did not enjoy the clowns...but did humor me here. Poor kid.

The tractor aisle is the main attraction for the Bolte boys...well...all 3 Bolte kids!

We sat on every.single.tractor. :) Notice the rain gear...I tell you...we are die hards.

Hope LOVED the Merry Go Round!

AND the tractor pulls!

Her FAVORITE was the Hawaiian Shaved Ice

Baby birds, waiting for their bite of the ice. Once ice...five mouths...hmmm.

Luke in a wheel

"Look, Mom! I am as big as this wheel!"

Hope girl in her John Deere dress from Ginger in the wheel of a tractor!

He is so cute I can barely stand it!

It was a great week...all hail the Albion Fair! See ya next year!

Hey Jealousy

As a parent who continues to grieve the loss of two sweet children, I often wonder if certain aspects will ever get easier. Lately, it seems that EVERYONE is announcing a pregnancy. My heart leaps with joy for each of these new families. Raising a child is one of the most amazing gifts the Lord bestows upon us. Children are a gift from Him and they are remarkable. Somewhere beneath that joy though is a hint of jealousy lurking just below the surface. And somewhere below the jealousy lurks jaded pessimism.

As I hear of each new announcement, I grieve the fact that of five pregnancies, I still hold three children. Two I held only momentarily and my arms will forever ache to hold Isaac and Asher. Fifteen months...that is the longest amount of time that I have gone without being pregnant since having Luke. I am there. It seems odd not to be making any announcements of our own. I love pregnancy and I love all that having a newborn brings. I miss it.

I also struggle with the loss of innocence that came with losing my boys. I know that a positive pregnancy test does not equal a healthy baby in nine months. When I was pregnant with Luke, I just assumed the positive test always led to a positive experience. Not all babies are healthy, I find myself struggling not to warn every pregnant mother of that fact. I bite my tongue every time someone refers to the excitement leading up to their "gender" sonogram. I want to tell them what it is like to sit in that dark room, clinging to the hope of a beating heart and a growing brain. Gender being the least of the worries.

Then I am reminded that I get to raise three sweet healthy children, one of whom has beaten so many odds already. I get to snuggle them and hold them daily. I got to carry FIVE babies in my womb to full term (Asher was a bit premature). Some mothers NEVER even get that. Some women out there long to feel life within their womb and they never do. Some mothers will never have babies. I have had five. Five of the most amazing babies on the planet. I get to mother two boys who reside in Heaven, but their presence in our hearts changes everything. They have brought people to Jesus and have made us some of the most blessed, proud parents in the world.

I am quite certain that my pregnancy days are over, but remain open to whatever the Lord has in store. Each time those ugly feelings of jealousy or jadedness (is that a word) sneak in, I lay them at His feet, often only to pick them up again.

A friend sent a text earlier this week wondering if these feelings were normal or if they ever go away. Will we be sixty years old still yearning to give birth once more? These feelings make us feel ugly and horrible. We want to rejoice and feel only joy and yet these other emotions sneak their way in. I am praying tonight for the Lord to take these human emotions and fill the voids in our hearts with more of Him. Would you join me in prayer for hurting and grieving parents everywhere? Those with children, those who have lost children, and those who have yet to hold a child of their own.

Plentiful Perilous Parenting

I have been overwhelmed and honored by the amount of responses I received from my last parenting post. I heard from many of you via comments but I heard from even more privately via email and I want you to know that even if I haven't had a minute to get back to you, I have prayed for each of you one by one. I get it, and I am right there in the trenches with you.

This is tough stuff, this parenting stuff. My biggest struggle lately has been balancing, being too hard on myself and over-reacting and making sure I am not giving myself a free pass. I mean, I know that I cannot be perfect, and that I am on the whole a good mom, but I also want to always strive to be better. I am so honored that God chose me to pour into the lives of these precious ones and I long to hear him say "Well done, good and faithful servant" one day.

I am still spending time daily in prayer for those of you who contacted me and for parents all over. The World needs our kids. This is a truth and also close to the title of a book sent to me today by a sweet blog reader. I am LOVING this book so far and hope to do a post on it at a later date. I urge you to check it out if you are looking for a resource like this! :) Remember we are ALL in this together. Thank you to the many of you who have shared with me. I am praying for you and cheering for you. We can do this! It takes a village right? Even a cyber village! :) If you have any additional prayer requests please do feel free to email me or leave a comment!

It's Like Looking in a Mirror

Perilous Parenting

I hate to admit, but lately, I am pretty sure my parenting skills are NOT something the Lord would be proud of. I mean, I do a good job of putting on a great show, I like to "look like" super mom, but if you were inside my home, you might think differently. When no one is watching, I have gotten lazy, I have put housework above heartwork, and allowed the excuse of "I'm a type A kind of gal" to rule the roost.

It had gotten to the point that all the children did was fight and bicker and then I would just holler over them begging them to quit. I was so consumed with trying to get my house in order and do all of the "homemaker" type things that I let parenting fall to the way side.

I tell you all of this because I feel like the Lord wanted me to. I feel like as moms we all tend to want to look like we have it all together, we get pretty high and mighty at the grocery store when we see another mom struggling with the tantruming child while ours sit quietly in the cart. When the truth is, that as moms we should be a little, okay, a lot more compassionate. It happens to ALL of us. We are parenting in the trenches and instead of delighting in another mom's moment of battle, maybe we should react a little differently.

A few weeks ago our kids begged for mohawks, we were not crazy about the idea, but decided that it was just hair and that we wanted our kids to know that God doesn't care at all what we look like, he loves us the same. Let me tell you though, if you EVER want criticism in the Christian community, give your kid a mohawk. I was ASTOUNDED. Suddenly, my cute kids who typically are very well behaved and mild mannered, got stares, looks, and snarky remarks made even by family members who love them. They were the SAME kids, just looked different and suddenly they must be heathens. Literally...they were called heathens because of their hair.

Luke got a pretty hurtful comment from a family member and came home broken-hearted and wanting to cut his hair. I asked why he wanted to cut it. His response, broke my heart. He said he loved his haircut, but he didn't like that other people didn't like it and thought he was a bad kid because of it. Seriously.

We were suddenly on the other side of the judging table and I didn't like it one bit. I hate to admit but I have had more prideful moments than I can count out in public as I watch another mom struggle with her kids misbehavior. "MY kids would never act like that".

Then all of the sudden Ben grew an attitude. He began to get mouthy and hateful and the fighting in our home was unbearable. I spent weeks, beside myself, not knowing what to do next. You know those moments where you are quite sure you are ruining your kids for life, and that you have missed the opportunity to save them from a life sentence in federal prison. Yeah...that is where I resided. He was hitting, kicking, spitting, yelling...the WHOLE deal. Like...was not even the kid I knew.

In a moment where I felt like I had nothing left to give, that I was surely the biggest parenting failure in the history of the universe, I cried out to God. (Why is it that we often ONLY resort to taking it to Him once we have reached the end of ourselves?) In that moment, I felt a peace come over me and I just started praying for that boy's heart.

I had had a conversation with another mom a week earlier and was talking about how I didn't know how to reach his heart...that I knew something was up, but that I wasn't sure what to do. I told her that I didn't want him to quit hitting, kicking, yelling etc, just out of fear of punishment, I wanted to see a change in his heart. Her response was "Oh, so you want him to be a twenty one year old in a four year old body". No...that wasn't it. I went to college to be a teacher, I get child development. I know that all kids his age are impulsive and act out. I know that. I also know that sin is sin, and my boy had sin in his heart and was struggling. I wanted to guide him in examining his heart and dealing with the sin. Yet in talking with most of my parent friends, I could not find someone who understood my plight.

After a quick Internet exchange with a friend half way across the country, she got it. She recommended "Wise Words For Moms" and "Don't Make Me Count to Three" by Ginger Plowman. I hopped on Amazon, redeemed my Swagbucks, and wondered what I would do without these resources for the next week or so until they arrived.

I sat down and had a heart to heart with Howard about my struggles. I felt like my fuse was short with everyone, I had lost my joy and that I was just a constant referee. He agreed and apologized for lack of leadership. We sat and prayed together for our family and committed to making things different and following the Lord. We have spent lots of time since praying for our kids, for our family, for our parenting. I have spent time combing through the best parenting book ever...The Bible, yet felt kind of overwhelmed still. We were definitely seeing progress, but I felt like I still was not reaching the hearts of my kids.

I sat down and wrote out some verses that I wanted to use in my parenting on index cards and hung them where we would all see them.

Here are some of the verses I used:

"God gives joy to those who promote peace." Proverbs 12:20

"Whatever you do, work heartily as for the lord and not for men" Colossians 3:23

"Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might." Ecclesiastes 9:10

"Walk in humility, consider others better than yourself." Philippians 2:3

"Do everything without complaining and arguing" Philippians 2:14


I began praying like crazy for the hearts of my kids and for my own heart. I have often prayed for their hearts but mostly forgot to pray for my own and I was not in a place myself where I was being very effective.

Since this funk, the books have come from Amazon, and I will say they are more than worth their purchase. I was reading the Bible and finding verses, but these resources helped me to further unpack what the Bible says and the way we need to instruct our kids so that they can examine their hearts.

Our home still has squabbles and moments of selfishness for sure, but my kids are REALLY getting it. For example...whenever we go anywhere to eat, the boys always fight over who gets to sit next to mom. As we entered a restaurant over the weekend...here is the scenario that played out.

Boys: I want to sit by mom, no I want to sit by mom, NO I WANT TO SIT BY MOM.

Luke: Ben, I want you to sit next to mom this time, because I love you and want you to be happy and I need to think of you before thinking of myself.

SERIOUSLY? SERIOUSLY! That is not to say that every incident plays out like this...it is a small victory, and I will take it...it is sinking in.

Just a month ago I was in such a yucky place, I felt like a huge failure and was so beaten down. Today I see progress...ONLY GOD...ONLY GOD. I am still the same hugely flawed person. God put me in my place and reminded me of my immense responsibility to train the hearts of these precious ones. I have recently really felt called to pray for parents everywhere. If you are in that place...that rut...that funk...and would like me to specifically pray for you, I would be happy to. Please just leave a comment or jot me an email to kbolte01@gmail.com. Keep on fighting the good fight...He has it all under control...follow Him and take Him at his word.

Bittersweet School Days

Everyone ready to see Luke off on his BIG first day of FIRST grade.

A bouquet of flowers for the teacher.

The light just isn't right...

could you guys turn the other way?

YIKES!

Swallowed up by the big yellow monster. (though I might add...this is the WRONG bus!) Let your light shine buddy...let your light shine.

Luke is actually in his third week of school. I have just been having a hard time adjusting to life with Howard and Luke back in school, I think we have a schedule down now and life is feeling a bit more normal.

Luke is LOVING first grade. He has the very same teacher that Howard and I both had and we are beyond thankful for the little school in our community. It feels like a family and if not for that school, I am quite certain I would have kept Luke home and homeschooled him. I know however that at this school he is loved, cared for and is learning. He adores his teacher and is quite excited about all that first grade entails. He has been trusted with the responsibility of "bathroom monitor" and we have been told he makes good choices, is quiet and is a WONDERFUL reader. :)

I feel a little like life is moving in FAST forward. My once five pound preemie is now in first grade and my four year old is seriously four going on forty, and my baby girl is walking, talking and growing by leaps and bounds. Where does the time go? I swear, I blinked and this is where we were. I am scared to blink again.

The Lord has been really working on me lately on being more intentional with my time with Him and more intentional with my time with my kids. We spent a good portion of the summer cleaning out and purging our home. We have gotten rid of all baby and maternity stuff and seriously, I thought I was going to have to be committed. I am a lady who LOVES pregnancy and newborns and all that entails (in case the having five babies in six years didn't clue you in). I'd love to continue growing our family, but as of now, the Lord doesn't seem to be steering us in that direction. Pregnancy at this point could be dangerous for me, and as a kid who lost her mom at a young age, I am not willing to do that to my kids knowingly. I feel God has really been walking me along this road, showing me that I need to be wise and also reminding me that there is more than one way to grow a family.

We came to the conclusion that IF God chooses to grow our family through foster care (which is an avenue we intend to explore) then He will surely provide whatever "stuff" we need at that time. So we decided to let go and bless others with all of our baby stuff. It has been so hard, yet so freeing. All of that boy stuff that I had hoped that Isaac and Asher had used too was even harder. (But I found exceptionally good homes for those things) :)

As I move into this next phase of life I am a little sad to be leaving the newborn stage behind but am so excited for what is ahead. Watching my kids grow and learn has been just amazing and the more intentional I am with them the more exciting things I see.

Letting Go

I have blogged before about my struggle with letting go of "things" that have memories attached to them. I know full well that those things do not hold the memory, and yet I found myself this summer in a basement flooded with water forced to begin to do the hard work of sorting and purging.

It has been a long process. I am still struggling. It wasn't until I took a very careful look at our finances that I decided that it was in fact time to do some really hard work and get us out of our debt. We accumulated a lot of credit card debt after having Isaac and Asher, for expenses related to their medical care and funerals and just for travel expenses, meals out because I was too exhausted to cook, and from just making stupid decisions when chest deep in grief.

I have had a stirring in my heart for a while now about eliminating this debt so that our money is truly God's and not tied down to our debts.

I decided it was time to consign and Craigslist EVERYTHING. We had a huge yardsale and made several hundred dollars. I struggled especially letting go of the baby things, but at the same time it was a relief.

I am not certain if God will grow our family any further or if our family is complete. I am however certain that when He makes that decision, He will also take care of the details. At this point I do not feel at all at peace about birthing any more children, but foster care has always been on our hearts.

Last night I went through the remainder of the baby clothes and separated them into boxes for friends who have recently had babies. It was hard, but also sweet to know their wee ones will wear my precious babes' clothing. The boy's clothes are much harder for me. I can't shake the heaviness of the thoughts that two more of MY boys should have worn those clothes. Six LARGE boxes of clothes were taken today.

It all became a little much tonight when a woman called because she was interested in the boys' crib bedding I had posted on Craigslist. I had posted it TWO months ago. NOW I get a bite! She was crunched for time and wanted to come see it immediately. My heart sunk. That sweet bedding was the very thing I agonized over for Luke. I wanted it to be perfect. It took months of searching before we found the perfect set. I had a huge shower and received ALL of the pieces for Luke's nursery. I remember painting his tiny room in our tiny mobile home seven years ago. I was thrilled with the outcome and enjoyed using the set in a different way in our new home when Ben came home.

Tonight, a Subaru pulled up to my home, a woman got out, came in, took one look and said "I'll take it". She handed me the money and I boxed up the whole set for her. It wasn't until she pulled out of the driveway that the tears began to fall. Oh how I wish that bedding had nestled four boys instead of two. My heart was torn. I am a mess. I know that it was just a bedding set. I know that another little guy will now get his start snuggled into the soft jersey sheets that my boys snuggled in. It really was doing no one any good in a Rubbermaid bin in my basement, so WHY DOES IT STILL HURT?

I am pretty much a mess tonight. It seems I cannot find balance. I feel like a crazy clown juggling a million balls, among them, God, Marriage, Children, Family, Debt, Housekeeping, Gardening, Canning, Reading, Showering, Sleeping, and right now I feel like I can't keep them all in the air. Everything is struggling, I can't juggle it all, I just spent the past hour in a dented minivan (a vehicle who knows extreme emotion well) just sitting and crying out to God. I just am not sure what it is I am supposed to be doing right now. I feel pretty much like a failure at everything. I am broken, sad and alone. The good news is, that I know that in this state, God will use me. He must be working on something. Right?