Saturday, September 25, 2010

Hey Jealousy

As a parent who continues to grieve the loss of two sweet children, I often wonder if certain aspects will ever get easier. Lately, it seems that EVERYONE is announcing a pregnancy. My heart leaps with joy for each of these new families. Raising a child is one of the most amazing gifts the Lord bestows upon us. Children are a gift from Him and they are remarkable. Somewhere beneath that joy though is a hint of jealousy lurking just below the surface. And somewhere below the jealousy lurks jaded pessimism.

As I hear of each new announcement, I grieve the fact that of five pregnancies, I still hold three children. Two I held only momentarily and my arms will forever ache to hold Isaac and Asher. Fifteen months...that is the longest amount of time that I have gone without being pregnant since having Luke. I am there. It seems odd not to be making any announcements of our own. I love pregnancy and I love all that having a newborn brings. I miss it.

I also struggle with the loss of innocence that came with losing my boys. I know that a positive pregnancy test does not equal a healthy baby in nine months. When I was pregnant with Luke, I just assumed the positive test always led to a positive experience. Not all babies are healthy, I find myself struggling not to warn every pregnant mother of that fact. I bite my tongue every time someone refers to the excitement leading up to their "gender" sonogram. I want to tell them what it is like to sit in that dark room, clinging to the hope of a beating heart and a growing brain. Gender being the least of the worries.

Then I am reminded that I get to raise three sweet healthy children, one of whom has beaten so many odds already. I get to snuggle them and hold them daily. I got to carry FIVE babies in my womb to full term (Asher was a bit premature). Some mothers NEVER even get that. Some women out there long to feel life within their womb and they never do. Some mothers will never have babies. I have had five. Five of the most amazing babies on the planet. I get to mother two boys who reside in Heaven, but their presence in our hearts changes everything. They have brought people to Jesus and have made us some of the most blessed, proud parents in the world.

I am quite certain that my pregnancy days are over, but remain open to whatever the Lord has in store. Each time those ugly feelings of jealousy or jadedness (is that a word) sneak in, I lay them at His feet, often only to pick them up again.

A friend sent a text earlier this week wondering if these feelings were normal or if they ever go away. Will we be sixty years old still yearning to give birth once more? These feelings make us feel ugly and horrible. We want to rejoice and feel only joy and yet these other emotions sneak their way in. I am praying tonight for the Lord to take these human emotions and fill the voids in our hearts with more of Him. Would you join me in prayer for hurting and grieving parents everywhere? Those with children, those who have lost children, and those who have yet to hold a child of their own.

12 comments:

Ellie said...

You know what, I have four children and after my last one, I had a tubal ligation. I was sure I was done. I still am sure, but I long to be pregnant again and to hold and nurse a newborn. I love pregnancy too, just like you, and the newborn phase is my favorite. I am sad that I will never give birth again, even though I know that I do not need any more children. So I know how you feel, in that regard at least.

The Pittsburgh Hites said...

As you already know, two of the last three years I have been pregnant, but we're DONE with this mommy getting pregnant again...even knowing it's bad for my body, and knowing we've beat the odds with 3/4 pregnancies resulting in our beautiful children coming home, I still long for BABIES! Maybe it's our age?? I don't know, but girl there is just something about newborns, and being pregnant...and then realizing you made the decision to never do it again. It just makes it seem so FINAL. and heartbreaking. I had a "moment" at the hospital after having Cate when I realized it would be the last time we'd ever be there, getting ready to bring our baby home again...
Our doors are also open to other children, and praying that the Lord is tending to our future babies, wherever they may be!

Trennia said...

I have a hard time with not having more babies.I cry,but it changes nothing.I had a hysterectomy affter my daughter died.I was and still am after two years broken,but also thankful that God a let me be a momma to 5 earthly children and three heavenly ones too.It's hard to deal with I wish I could still have another baby ,but I can't I wonder if it'll ever go away for good?Somedays are better,but then it hits and I'm sad again.(((HUGS)))

The Tellinghuisen Family said...

I hear you, girl! I feel so bad when I hear other people announce their pregnancy..and I feel jealousy or a twinge of hurt. And I AM pregnant! I always wonder what it is like to have a pregnancy where I wouldn't have to worry if my child will be affected with a life threatening condition. And I still am not sure we will ever experience a healthy baby. So, even being pregnant now, I still feel that way?! It's crazy! And I think I will always want, miss, long to be pregnant...

Carla said...

I can totally relate! Getting easier to be "done" making my own babies now that God has blessed me with other babies to love. Being done with childbearing, feeling a baby in the womb, breast feeding...was really hard. I felt like I may as well go through menopause, sit in a rocker and grow cob webs. It's the end of a chapter..one associated with life and vitality. Life does go one though...and if you find yourself aching for a baby there are lots out there waiting for a mommy as great as you to love them. :)

Patty said...

I read your entry today and it home with me...My daughter's first angelversary/birthday is coming up and I find myself trying to genuinely congratulate friends on Facebook with their new babies. Thanks for being honest about jealousy and the loss of our naivete- God is so loving to accept our human emotions.

Erica Largent said...

My husband and I lost our first baby a little over a year ago. Our daughter had full Trisomy 18 and lived for three days. While we will likely go on to have more children, and I am healthy enough to carry more babies, I find myself feeling those same emotions you expressed every time I hear about a new pregnancy! I have to bite my tongue to keep from raining on their parade. I have to remind myself that in all likelihood, they will have a healthy baby. But it is difficult not to feel jealous and less than optimistic. I don't know if that will ever change - no matter how many babies we have.

Erica
www.thelargentlife.blogspot.com

Jayme said...

I often wonder if the reason I feel my family isn't complete is because I'm missing babies... that even if I had 100 kids I'd still feel like we weren't done.

Sheryl said...

oh wow! i haven't been here in a long time and it figures i would land here tonight. only God orchestrates these things. my feelings of "jealousy" are different than yours (although i did lose a child thru miscarriage)...when i hear women speak of their marriages there is a part of me that just wants to tune it out...because i did not have that "happily ever after".

HOWEVER, God is trying to get it through my head that "happily ever after" is not here on earth. man...when will that sink in?

love you kristy and the example that you all have been to so many of us.

Brittany said...

I found your blog through a mutual friend and I can relate to your post. I, too, struggle when there are pregnancy announcements, even though I haven't lost a baby I held in my arms, I have suffered multiple miscarriages. I have to be careful and pray earnestly about letting my feelings get the best of me. I, also, sometimes feel the need to "warn" others as well. I yearn to have more babies, (my husband thinks I am crazy!) But I wonder if we will always have this feeling of wanting just one more??? It's a very interesting thought.

Beautiful family! ;)

Jason & Vanessa said...

Kristy once again you have posted EXACTLY what I have been feeling. I'm pretty sure we are done having bio kids I'm kinda okay with that but every time someone tells me they are pregnant I get so excited followed by a bit of jealousy. I HATE that about me. It is one million time worse if they are pregnant with twins. I try to repent quickly but I hate that it always happens. I think the same thing as you. I have been blessed to be pregnant 3 times and I have 4 kids (2 in heaven) but it still happens I long for what I don't have. It all come down to not being content in where the Lord has me. I do indeed repent when I have these feeling but I am praying for the day when I don't have those feeling at all. Will it always hurt to see new born twin girls??? I sure hope not but I do know that God is so good and I want to honor him with all of me including my emotions. I fall so short so often. I will be praying for y'all as y'all pray for me! I love you girl!!!!

Vanessa

Stacey said...

Kristy,

I am a grieving mother of 16. I too carried two sweet boys to term and I'm 24 weeks pregnant with our 3rd little boy. It's an absolute blessing to carry a baby and I cherish every kick I feel. Unfortunately, 13 of our babies never made it past 14 weeks. I know the feeling of a positive pregnancy test and the agony in not knowing the future. I don't know that the pain ever goes away, but I do believe that it becomes more tolerable. I often think of our babies in Heaven, but at the same time, I'm so fortunate to have the opportunity to be a mother to our boys here on earth. Lots of hugs!