February

Oh February,

How you have come out of nowhere. How did it get to be February so quickly? When I realized it was February my heart sank. February is a loaded month for me. You know how more often than not, the anticipation of an event is worse than the actual event itself? Yeah, that hasn't much been the case for me when it comes to February.

Most people look forward to February as a month of romance and love, hearts, flowers, and candy. I see it as a reminder of what isn't. A reminder that I grew up motherless and that my arms are still desperate for the little four pound boy that graced my life on a cold February 22, 2008.

Aside from the fact that we might as well live in the North Pole this time of year and seasonal affective disorder reigns with many folks, and the fact that we are currently a one vehicle family and cabin fever is at its peak, the month holds many emotional dates. Dates that unless you have experienced such losses you couldn't really understand. Once you have suffered a great loss, often times just the mere sight of a specific date is enough to knock the wind right out of you. Sometimes it sneaks up and sometimes the anticipation lingers for weeks beforehand.

February marks the birthdate of my mom, who, if you have been reading this blog for long, you know died when I was nine years old. She was in her mid thirties when she died and with each year as I approach that age, I find myself struggling just a little more. I have made quite a bit of progress in the past year in dealing with my anger toward her (she committed suicide). As I settle more and more into my role as a mom I see her pop up in me from time to time and though it scares me I am thankful I recognize the characteristics that put her on the edge all the time and can take steps to be different. I pray daily for the Lord's grace and guidance so that I become the wife and mom He wants me to be not the June Cleaver, I wish I was.

February also marks the time we had with Asher. The 22 will be his 2nd birthday. The 35 minutes he was with us were 35 of the most amazing moments of my life and though my soul literally aches for him, I am thankful he will never know this kind of pain. I rejoice because he lived. The Lord granted me 32 weeks with him in the womb and 35 minute in my arms. He surrounded me with love and comfort and I have never experienced anything so beautiful and yet so heartwrenching.

I have some big plans for this month to remember my fourth boy. I will share as the details fall into place. Many of you sent cards for his birthday last year for me to put into his memory book, and we welcome you to do so again this year if you like! Just email me kbolte01@gmail.com for the address to send those to.

PS if you run into me this month and I seem in a fog, or if you just don't know what to say, a hug will do...there are no words...just love