Monday, February 1, 2010

February

Oh February,

How you have come out of nowhere. How did it get to be February so quickly? When I realized it was February my heart sank. February is a loaded month for me. You know how more often than not, the anticipation of an event is worse than the actual event itself? Yeah, that hasn't much been the case for me when it comes to February.

Most people look forward to February as a month of romance and love, hearts, flowers, and candy. I see it as a reminder of what isn't. A reminder that I grew up motherless and that my arms are still desperate for the little four pound boy that graced my life on a cold February 22, 2008.

Aside from the fact that we might as well live in the North Pole this time of year and seasonal affective disorder reigns with many folks, and the fact that we are currently a one vehicle family and cabin fever is at its peak, the month holds many emotional dates. Dates that unless you have experienced such losses you couldn't really understand. Once you have suffered a great loss, often times just the mere sight of a specific date is enough to knock the wind right out of you. Sometimes it sneaks up and sometimes the anticipation lingers for weeks beforehand.

February marks the birthdate of my mom, who, if you have been reading this blog for long, you know died when I was nine years old. She was in her mid thirties when she died and with each year as I approach that age, I find myself struggling just a little more. I have made quite a bit of progress in the past year in dealing with my anger toward her (she committed suicide). As I settle more and more into my role as a mom I see her pop up in me from time to time and though it scares me I am thankful I recognize the characteristics that put her on the edge all the time and can take steps to be different. I pray daily for the Lord's grace and guidance so that I become the wife and mom He wants me to be not the June Cleaver, I wish I was.

February also marks the time we had with Asher. The 22 will be his 2nd birthday. The 35 minutes he was with us were 35 of the most amazing moments of my life and though my soul literally aches for him, I am thankful he will never know this kind of pain. I rejoice because he lived. The Lord granted me 32 weeks with him in the womb and 35 minute in my arms. He surrounded me with love and comfort and I have never experienced anything so beautiful and yet so heartwrenching.

I have some big plans for this month to remember my fourth boy. I will share as the details fall into place. Many of you sent cards for his birthday last year for me to put into his memory book, and we welcome you to do so again this year if you like! Just email me kbolte01@gmail.com for the address to send those to.

PS if you run into me this month and I seem in a fog, or if you just don't know what to say, a hug will do...there are no words...just love


12 comments:

Emily said...

Love you. And that precious almost two year old, too.

Erika said...

(((hugs))) i wish i lived closer because i would give you the biggest hug. i know the importance of dates, as well...and how they can be so hard- the anticipation, especially. keeping you in my thoughts and prayers ALL month long...

(((hugs)))

xoxo,
erika

littletinyfootprints.blogspot.com

The Dortenzos said...

You are one incredible lady!!! God is blessing many through your testimony! Prayers for you this month!! Jer. 29:11

Trisha Larson said...

March is that month for me. I'm already dreading it. I hope that we both find peace, comfort and God's love.

Hugs,
Trisha

Dana said...

I wish I had some words of comfort for you. Praying for peace and joy for you and your family during this month.

(((hugs)))

Rebekah said...

I just made it through another January which is the difficult month for me. I hope and pray that you feel wrapped in a peace and comfort that surpasses all understanding this month!

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Love...and prayers...

Rebecca said...

Just reading about your heavy heart made my eyes misty. I know He is with you in the fog and with Asher in eternity.

Sending ((hugs)) your way.

Devin said...

I can't imagine how difficult this month will be....I pray each day for you and your family, and will continue to!!

Rob and Jordan said...

John 14:27 "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.." My heart just aches for you and Im crying with you. I will be praying this verse over you through the course of this month.

Lisa said...

Hello, It is Lisa from Jasper, Forever our first born. I wanted to let
you know that I wrote your angels name and took some pictures and wanted
to give them to you. I am doing this for all the angels on the blogs that
I follow. Here is the link. I hope you like them.
http://waterfallangels.blogspot.com/2010/02/asher.html

Laurie in Ca. said...

I love you sweetie, you know I do. I am praying for you as this month is upon us, asking God to continue His wonderful healing of your heart. I would give anything to bump into you and give you the biggest hugs I have. Love you Kristy so much and praying you through. He is enough.