Sunday, February 21, 2010

Homesick



Homesick is probably the best way to describe how I am feeling lately. For the past several days, I find myself on the verge of tears pretty much ALL the time. I have had some pretty deep conversations with my boys who are growing up before my eyes about their brothers in Heaven, and with each passing year, they gain a better understanding of death and Heaven and it brings me to my knees with each and every question.

I cannot count how many times in the past week that my prayer has just been "Jesus, could you just come back now please. I am growing weary of this life and long to be with you in Heaven...it is all just too much" I have been unbelievably tired (grief is HARD work) and I have been pretty irritable (a shock, I know.). We decided to take the weekend and focus on the kids. Isaac and Asher's birthdays remind us that life is brief and we just don't want to waste what we are given, whether it is 35 minutes, 6 days or many years.

I feel drained, I don't have anything profound to say except that this is hard work, even years in, it is hard. I feel like lately, everything brings back a memory that leaves me teary eyed and on my knees praying for Jesus' return. I have been feeling like I am just plain out of words. I fold my hands to pray and yet cannot find the words. I am not sure if it is because there just aren't words, or if it is because I feel like there are no words left to say that I haven't already said.

About a month or so ago a good friend called to see if we wanted to get tickets with them to see MercyMe and Aaron Shust at a local venue, and being HUGE music lovers, we said sure without putting much thought into it. We bought the tickets and then I realized that the event was tonight, on the eve of my fourth boy's second birthday. Last week when I realized what the weekend would likely be like, plus the fact that I STILL have not left Hope with a sitter, I decided we should find someone else to take our tickets.

Well, then one day turned into the next and the tickets remained in the glove box of our car. We decided we would just take Hope with us to the show and go anyway. THEN I checked to see about taking her and found that she would have needed her own ticket, so I froze. I honestly just wanted to throw in the towel and forget the whole thing, but being the frugalista (el cheapo) that I am, I could not bear to see the money we spent on the tickets go to waste.

My heart sunk at the thought of leaving Hope with anyone but then I decided to call a dear friend to see if she would keep her. She is one of those friends who was more of an acquaintance before Asher, but jumped right into the grief waters with me with both feet, never afraid to ask how I REALLY am doing or what she can do to help. I am so very thankful for her and I knew if anyone could love on Hope in my absence it would be her. She was free and excitedly agreed to take on the task! :)

I was a ball of nerves, but I knew she was in good hands and would be very loved. We dropped her off and headed over to the concert. As I sat in my seat before the music started, I sat there praying for the strength to praise God despite the fact that it was honestly the LAST thing I felt like doing at that moment. I felt like I had no words left. It had all been said. THEN...

Aaron Shust came out on stage and sang the words

Calloused and bruised/ dazed and confused
My Spirit is left wanting something more
Than my selfish hopes/ and my selfish dreams
I’m lying with my face down to the floor
I’m crying out for more
Give me Words to speak
Don’t let my Spirit sleep
Cause I can’t think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe You my life
So give me Words to speak
Don’t let my Spirit sleep
Every night, every day/ I find that I have nothing left to say
So I stand here in silence awaiting Your guidance
I’m wanting only Your voice to be heard
Let them be Your Words
I just don’t understand this life that I’ve been living
I just don’t understand
I just don’t understand these lies I’ve been believing
I just don’t understand

Tears began flowing down my cheeks, after the first two phrases. I did all I could to hold back so as not to go into the UGLY cry. I am so broken, and yet I want nothing more than to glorify God with all I have been given. I have just come to a point where I am just not sure how to do that. I feel like all I do is fall short with each task I take on. I felt like God had literally brought me to this place tonight to remind me that sometimes when words fail me, I just need to shut my mouth and listen to what He has to say. Tonight this song is my prayer.


21 comments:

Devon said...

thank you for sharing your heart...

i could have written this post myself. grief is hard work...you do it with such grace and a brave face but thank you for sharing your hurts with us...so we can lift you up.

love you dear friend!

Brookeanne said...

Awww Kristy! I'm so sorry! I wish I could give you a hug :(. Even with Claire being my third child and never having experienced loss or grief the way that you have, I have the hardest time parting with her.
You are amazing, strong and a wonderful mother to your three beautiful children. They obviously adore you. You're in my thoughts and prayers!

Michelle said...

Kristy - I'm praying for you today as you continue to praise God through difficult storms. I cannot relate to the pain you are enduring but I am sympathetic and love your heart! I have learned so much through reading your blog and knowing your boys through your words.

~*~ Allison ~*~ said...

I want to say that I am sorry you're grieving this way, but I do believe that it is good for the soul.

How wonderful that God met you in the place that you were & gave you some wonderful words. I LOVE when He does that!

Many blessings dear one,
Allison

asplashofsunshine said...

Happy 2nd Birthday on 2-22! Hugs to the entire Bolte family today. I hope 2day brings joy and smiles for the boy that continues to touch so many people. Happy Birthday sweet boy!

Rebecca said...

*sniffle*

I pray those same wordless prayers sometimes too. Grief is such hard work. Thank you for sharing your tender heart.

stephanie said...

I am so glad you went to that concert. God obviously arranged it all for YOU!!!

I'm proud of you, you were able to leave Hope( not easy I'm sure) and go.

You are an absolutely unbelievable woman, I don't know if you realize that.


I am so blessed to have found your blog.

The Bailey's said...

Praying for you, dear blogger friend. God is good, all the time.

:)

Trisha Larson said...

Kristy-

I too never realized how "physical" grief is. It just wears you out in ways that are unimaginable to those who haven't experienced it. I'm so glad that you got to go and have a moment with God. I hope that that recharges you and gives you the strength to continue.

BTW, I can't wait for Jesus to come too. Isn't it time already????

Hugs,
Trisha

Heather said...

Praying for you today. Sometimes there just aren't any words. I'm so glad you made it to the concert and that God met you there.

Just Me said...

Happy Birthday Asher! Thinking about your family today who misses you like crazy, but so very proud of the legacy you have left behind. Love and hugs to your family.

Amanda

Alicia said...

Praying for you and thinking of you....

Amanda said...

He truly knows what we need, when we need it.

Holli Davis said...

I am praying for you Kristy.... I am so sad you have to feel this way.... you are on my heart and mind.... Trust in the Lord.....

Mommato2miracles said...

praying! God truly does know right where you are, you don't need to say anything he knows your heart, rest in Him and He will carry you through. (I am preaching to myself while I write this as I am dealing with more crisis issues with Sam) It is hard in the emotional places of life to give those anxities, fears, brokeness, and heartache to Him, but He is waiting and I pray for you this day that you will find your strength and hope in Him. With love and prayers!!!!
PS: listening to you about the babysitting cracks me up, I am so thankful that I am not the only one out there that is so protective:-) I think Sophia was 11months and I left her with family and I called like 52 times:-)

Trennia said...

I always stand in awe when I'm to the point like you just tired and wanting the Lord to come then He boosts us with something mere as a song,a child's kiss, or someone to say hey I love you and it's like God is standing right there in the room giving me the strength to go on.
(((HUGS)))

Laura A said...

Hi Kristy - I don't post often but do try and stop by as much as I can. My heart breaks for you, and I SO wish I had the words to say that would be of comfort for you. Please know that I'm praying for you - may God give you peace.

Love from TX,
Laura

melissa said...

wanting 2 wish 'happy' a grand celebration in heaven with his sweet brother along side him. thinking of ways to honor your babies with Jesus. This week my quest is to say their names and share their story's and the story of strength and growth in Him. 4 in our weakness He makes us all stronger! Issac & Asher have made many stronger myself included. I can not wait to weep tears of joy to someday meet them and to see u hold them and never have 2 let go again.


Blessings
Melissa

Crystal Theresa said...

((hugs)). i'm glad God brought you to hear those Words. it is hard work and unless you've walked in it, it's very difficult to understand that it will never leave us. i hope you find continue to find solace and comfort in Him as we wait for our turn to take our places in Heaven and with our babies.

-crystal @ Blessed to Be Broken

Hilary said...

What a truly powerful song and I'm glad God used it to speak to you that night. There was a reason for your persistence in going!

I know you must hear it a lot, but I am thinking of you and praying for you and I wish there was something I could do to take your pain away, but I know that's not possible.
You are such a blessing to so many people, including me. Thank you for opening your heart to us.

Debra said...

Kristy,

I know what you mean. I feel dazed alot of the time, I can't think clearly...I can't really pray. I too, long for Heaven when we can leave this world and all it's heartaches behind.

I have a hard time at church during worship, not breaking down in the 'ugly' cry.

It's hard work to keep going.