Homesick

Homesick is probably the best way to describe how I am feeling lately. For the past several days, I find myself on the verge of tears pretty much ALL the time. I have had some pretty deep conversations with my boys who are growing up before my eyes about their brothers in Heaven, and with each passing year, they gain a better understanding of death and Heaven and it brings me to my knees with each and every question.

I cannot count how many times in the past week that my prayer has just been "Jesus, could you just come back now please. I am growing weary of this life and long to be with you in Heaven...it is all just too much" I have been unbelievably tired (grief is HARD work) and I have been pretty irritable (a shock, I know.). We decided to take the weekend and focus on the kids. Isaac and Asher's birthdays remind us that life is brief and we just don't want to waste what we are given, whether it is 35 minutes, 6 days or many years.

I feel drained, I don't have anything profound to say except that this is hard work, even years in, it is hard. I feel like lately, everything brings back a memory that leaves me teary eyed and on my knees praying for Jesus' return. I have been feeling like I am just plain out of words. I fold my hands to pray and yet cannot find the words. I am not sure if it is because there just aren't words, or if it is because I feel like there are no words left to say that I haven't already said.

About a month or so ago a good friend called to see if we wanted to get tickets with them to see MercyMe and Aaron Shust at a local venue, and being HUGE music lovers, we said sure without putting much thought into it. We bought the tickets and then I realized that the event was tonight, on the eve of my fourth boy's second birthday. Last week when I realized what the weekend would likely be like, plus the fact that I STILL have not left Hope with a sitter, I decided we should find someone else to take our tickets.

Well, then one day turned into the next and the tickets remained in the glove box of our car. We decided we would just take Hope with us to the show and go anyway. THEN I checked to see about taking her and found that she would have needed her own ticket, so I froze. I honestly just wanted to throw in the towel and forget the whole thing, but being the frugalista (el cheapo) that I am, I could not bear to see the money we spent on the tickets go to waste.

My heart sunk at the thought of leaving Hope with anyone but then I decided to call a dear friend to see if she would keep her. She is one of those friends who was more of an acquaintance before Asher, but jumped right into the grief waters with me with both feet, never afraid to ask how I REALLY am doing or what she can do to help. I am so very thankful for her and I knew if anyone could love on Hope in my absence it would be her. She was free and excitedly agreed to take on the task! :)

I was a ball of nerves, but I knew she was in good hands and would be very loved. We dropped her off and headed over to the concert. As I sat in my seat before the music started, I sat there praying for the strength to praise God despite the fact that it was honestly the LAST thing I felt like doing at that moment. I felt like I had no words left. It had all been said. THEN...

Aaron Shust came out on stage and sang the words

Calloused and bruised/ dazed and confused
My Spirit is left wanting something more
Than my selfish hopes/ and my selfish dreams
I’m lying with my face down to the floor
I’m crying out for more
Give me Words to speak
Don’t let my Spirit sleep
Cause I can’t think of anything worth saying
But I know that I owe You my life
So give me Words to speak
Don’t let my Spirit sleep
Every night, every day/ I find that I have nothing left to say
So I stand here in silence awaiting Your guidance
I’m wanting only Your voice to be heard
Let them be Your Words
I just don’t understand this life that I’ve been living
I just don’t understand
I just don’t understand these lies I’ve been believing
I just don’t understand

Tears began flowing down my cheeks, after the first two phrases. I did all I could to hold back so as not to go into the UGLY cry. I am so broken, and yet I want nothing more than to glorify God with all I have been given. I have just come to a point where I am just not sure how to do that. I feel like all I do is fall short with each task I take on. I felt like God had literally brought me to this place tonight to remind me that sometimes when words fail me, I just need to shut my mouth and listen to what He has to say. Tonight this song is my prayer.