Friday, February 12, 2010
Many of you know as I have posted before, that today marks what would have been my mother's birthday. She took her own life when she was 34 years old. I have been working through a lot of feelings in the past few years since becoming a mom myself and am trying HARD to let go of my anger. My life is different because of her life and because of her death and in some ways that makes me terribly sad and in other ways I am grateful. Grateful that she taught me the traits of a great mom and what matters, and also what doesn't and when it is time to let go of the perfectionism. She was never able to do that, and because I see her mistakes, I can. I can be different.
I don't remember much about her. I remember her perfectionism, I remember her being involved in my school and being a "room mom", I remember a clean, well organized home and fantastic birthday parties. I remember her laugh and I remember her cry. I remember her holding my nine year old self as she cried the night she died. I want to understand. I don't. I try, but I doubt I ever will.
I wish she was here to hold her grandchildren. I wish she was here to hold me when I had to say goodbye to two of them. I wish she had been there the day I said "I do" and I wish she had been there when HER mother got sick. A lot of things died along with her. A lot of hopes, dreams and wishes.
Today, I wish she were here so the kids could give her kisses and homemade gifts.
The reality is....she is not. :(
Sometimes life just hurts doesn't it? I am so thankful I know this is not all there is. I have to admit that in the days since having Hope, I have found myself spread thin, and falling short of pretty much everything. I have had to back away from childrens' ministry, realizing my ministry is here at home right now, I have stepped away from my part time job until next school year to care for Hope. I fall short as a mom, a wife, a cook, a housekeeper, and accountant. I cannot do it all. My floors that used to be washed by hand daily are now lucky to get mopped once a week. My intense need for organization and nickname of "label girl" have all but died. Some days I find myself in tears because I so desperately want to do better. I want to live up to all of the potential God intended. I want to be the super mom and wife.
As much as it hurts to be without her, she taught me an important lesson. Though I fall short, my best is better than nothing at all. In the end, that was what I got as a kid, no mom. Even in my frustration and failure, I know that just my being here for my kids is something. My best is not perfect, but it is good enough. I was chosen for my children and them for me. I adore Howard and want nothing more than to be the best helper I can be to him and even when I fall short and lose my temper or snip at him, he loves me, and having me as a wife is better than going at it alone.
I fail. Every. single. day. I fail. My mom wasn't well enough to see that her presence was all that was needed, but because of her colossal mistake, I can. I can see it. Despite my shortcomings, my presence matters in this family. My kids love me, my husband loves me and my God loves me and that is enough. So for that lesson, I thank my mother.
Happy Birthday Mom. I wish you could have seen how much you matter. I wish your mind was not so clouded that you could barely get out of bed in the morning. I am sorry we didn't see it and we miss you. Thank you for this important life lesson. Thank you for helping me be the mom my kids need.
Posted by boltefamily at 12:00 AM