We had kind of settled in here at the Bolte house, Hope is beginning to sleep and be a little more content to sit on the floor next to me while the boys help with household tasks. My house is beginning to reappear from under the piles of clutter and laundry, as I once again find my rhythm.
And yet, just the other night, grief gripped my heart so tightly that I could barely breathe. I am not sure if it is the fact that "typically" at this point in life, where things begin to ease up and the demands of a newborn are behind us, we are blessed with a new life and my body is invaded again for another nine months, and the fact that that is just not going to happen again, or if it is the fact that Isaac's birthday is next, he will be five this July.
In case you missed it, we do birthdays BIG in the Bolte house...here we have "birthday week". A week of fun designated for celebrating the ones we cherish most on this earth. We know all too well that we are never guaranteed a tomorrow and that we should cherish today and we do our best to celebrate each blessing the Lord has bestowed upon us.
I sit and wonder, what Isaac would look like at five years old. He and Luke are our two NON redheads. I wonder if he would look like Luke. I bet he and Luke would be best buds. I wonder what type of cake he would like, would it be white like his big brothers? Would it be chocolate like mama and Hope? Or, would he prefer a cheeseburger like his daddy? Would he want transformer decorations, or Hotwheels? What would his wishlist look like?
Sometimes I drive myself nuts with this stuff. I KNOW that Isaac will celebrate his fifth birthday in the most perfect place, just as he has the four birthdays prior to this and just as he will for eternity. Yet I can't help but wonder what my Isaac would be like. A mom is supposed to know her kid, I was robbed of that. Six days is not long enough, especially when you are so deep in shock that you can't see straight.
I went to bed that night teary, Howard asked what was up. I told him I was sad. He gets it. He just held me and let me cry. Sometimes a wave of grief engulfs me like a tidal wave when I least expect it. I have learned to allow myself the time to be sad instead of trying to push it away. We have to walk through it, we can't skip over it or it will bounce right back and throw us under the current again.
In a way it felt good to be sad for a while. Sometimes I think we need that reminder of where we have been so that we can embrace the grief and move forward. There is nothing wrong with revisiting your grief, but I am learning I just can't reside there. My life would not be the same if it weren't for Isaac and Asher. I would not be the same mother, wife, daughter, sister, or woman. They have forever changed me and I don't want to ever forget that. There is something sacred about revisiting the sorrow of losing something so dear, we just have to embrace it and move forward with the blessings before us. I would give just about anything to hold my boys just one more time, but I can't allow myself to miss out on the blessings of my living children because I am so deep in grief. Learning the balance is tricky and I am still trying to figure it all out.
Luke is out of school for summer, Howard will finish up this week (but will be working a summer job) and we have a lot of fun little things planned for our summer. As we enter July, the days we held and let go of our Isaac, if you think of us, please pray. Pray for our hearts, pray for balance, and pray that we always see the blessings the Lord has put directly in front of us even as we continue to grieve.
If you are also walking this grief tightrope, how do you balance it all?
11 comments:
wow, kristy, i'm struggling with this too.....i think i'm just beginning to realize when i get in those "pits" and then allow myself to grieve hard and slowly come back out....but more than that, i am learning grief and joy just dance together....with one another each and every day.....for me, anyways. every happy moment has a bit of sadness to it....and every sad, a bit of happy.
thank you for being real with us and sharing your heart.....
I just wanted to let you know that I had a baby boy at 23 1/2 weeks. Enough to feel him kick and grow inside of me. I had 1 ultrasound and found out he was a boy. On the next he was gone. He had all of the features of a normal baby and in fact some babies are even born at this stage and live. I had him on December 17, 2004. We just celebrated his 5 year birthday. Last night I felt grief for him and cried. There are some days it still hits me too. I don't know why. It helps me to know other mothers are out there and feel the same things. I think these blogs are a great idea to be able to connect with others. Thank you for sharing your feelings and being able to type them out. It really does help us other babyloss mothers.
"I went to bed that night teary, Howard asked what was up. I told him I was sad. He gets it. He just held me and let me cry."
I am so, so glad that you have a hubby that 'gets it' and that knows you so well to know that that was exactly what you needed--just someone to hear you cry, you know? He reminds me so much of Shane...such a gift from God during my dark times. That man can talk me down from a ledge like no other. I'm so thankful for him, and so thankful you have Howard.
It sucks to be robbed of your 'dream' of life with Isaac. I think, deep down, sometimes I have the hardest time with that aspect--I had dreams of life with my child, and I was robbed of all of that. Every birthday, every Christmas, the list goes on and on.
I am praying for your heart Kristy. And I can't agree with you more--grief is definitely a place that can be visited, but not a place to dwell in. It is so good that you recognize that...getting to that point can be really hard. I wanted to dwell there for way, way too long. So glad for friends/family that helped pull me out--I will be praying for you (even more than usual) in the coming days. Love you friend.
I am walking the same tightrope. I lean on God, focus on the blessings that I have and I blog. It feels good to get my feelings out and to relate to others that are on the same path.
Hugs,
Trisha
This post really touched my heart. Our sweet little Chelsea would be 17 now, the sadness and grief are still there. Someone once told me that it will always be there but we learn to live with it and that's true. I have a neice who was born a few months after we lost her, it has been so hard but also good to watch her grow up. At each milestone...graduation, dance recital, prom, first date....I see a missing spot. Thank you for your honesty when you write about missing your sweet boys, not too many people "get it" and even less will talk about it.
You are in my prayers. God will give you the peace that you need, and you deserve. He hates to see you greive like this.. but knows that your hearts hurt. He will help you get through it. Hold tightly to him for he is your Lord, and he will not waver.
Praying for the days ahead of you.
Balancing grief can certainly be tricky and I'm not really sure if there is a 'right' way to do it. Like you, I don't reside in my grief but there are times when I visit it, whether wanted or not.
Angie Smith describes it well in the subtitle of her book, I Will Carry You ~ The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy. We do the best we can. We embrace the joy when it comes and we ride the waves of grief when they come and we marvel at how intertwined they both are in every moment of our lives.
Love and Prayers for you...
I was hit by grief last night, out of the blue and so suddenly! My whole family was over for dinner and my brother was acting so goofy and making me laugh so hard...until the laughing turned into tears of grief! I was missing our girls sooo much at that moment.. wishing that they were there too, with my family and laughing at their goofy uncle. I choked back the tears, but was shocked at how much I wanted to just sob and sob! I would have if it weren't for all the people there!! It's so strange how you can be doing perfectly fine and even having fun and then...wham!
yesterday should have been my due date. I'm still learning to live with the waves of grief that catch me completely offguard sometimes. We're just finally at the point where we're talking about starting to try again. How do you take that chance again? We've had a healthy baby boy and an angel baby girl. I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through a loss again, or the fear of a loss. Any advice? I started reading your blog before Hope was born, long before my pregnancy. I think God was preparing me- letting me already know there's others out there that have gone through what we did.
Blessings to you!
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