Hey Jealousy

As a parent who continues to grieve the loss of two sweet children, I often wonder if certain aspects will ever get easier. Lately, it seems that EVERYONE is announcing a pregnancy. My heart leaps with joy for each of these new families. Raising a child is one of the most amazing gifts the Lord bestows upon us. Children are a gift from Him and they are remarkable. Somewhere beneath that joy though is a hint of jealousy lurking just below the surface. And somewhere below the jealousy lurks jaded pessimism.

As I hear of each new announcement, I grieve the fact that of five pregnancies, I still hold three children. Two I held only momentarily and my arms will forever ache to hold Isaac and Asher. Fifteen months...that is the longest amount of time that I have gone without being pregnant since having Luke. I am there. It seems odd not to be making any announcements of our own. I love pregnancy and I love all that having a newborn brings. I miss it.

I also struggle with the loss of innocence that came with losing my boys. I know that a positive pregnancy test does not equal a healthy baby in nine months. When I was pregnant with Luke, I just assumed the positive test always led to a positive experience. Not all babies are healthy, I find myself struggling not to warn every pregnant mother of that fact. I bite my tongue every time someone refers to the excitement leading up to their "gender" sonogram. I want to tell them what it is like to sit in that dark room, clinging to the hope of a beating heart and a growing brain. Gender being the least of the worries.

Then I am reminded that I get to raise three sweet healthy children, one of whom has beaten so many odds already. I get to snuggle them and hold them daily. I got to carry FIVE babies in my womb to full term (Asher was a bit premature). Some mothers NEVER even get that. Some women out there long to feel life within their womb and they never do. Some mothers will never have babies. I have had five. Five of the most amazing babies on the planet. I get to mother two boys who reside in Heaven, but their presence in our hearts changes everything. They have brought people to Jesus and have made us some of the most blessed, proud parents in the world.

I am quite certain that my pregnancy days are over, but remain open to whatever the Lord has in store. Each time those ugly feelings of jealousy or jadedness (is that a word) sneak in, I lay them at His feet, often only to pick them up again.

A friend sent a text earlier this week wondering if these feelings were normal or if they ever go away. Will we be sixty years old still yearning to give birth once more? These feelings make us feel ugly and horrible. We want to rejoice and feel only joy and yet these other emotions sneak their way in. I am praying tonight for the Lord to take these human emotions and fill the voids in our hearts with more of Him. Would you join me in prayer for hurting and grieving parents everywhere? Those with children, those who have lost children, and those who have yet to hold a child of their own.