Yesterday was a rough day for me. Sometimes it still, even years later catches me completely off guard. I woke up kind of in a fog and couldn't snap out so I sat down to blog and decided to go back and reread stuff I had written years ago and then it hit me. November 20th, was the date in 2007 that we got Asher's prognosis. It was the day that we knew something was terribly wrong. It was the day that we were counseled to end his life. It was the day that my broken heart, once again shattered into a million pieces.
I think back to those days and though I have never been more broken in my life, I have also never felt the hand of God in a more tangible way. The body of Christ did come alongside us and we were loved and supported like never before. As hard as those days were, I sometimes miss those days. Though it hurt terribly, things were crystal clear. I am so very thankful that God gave us Asher. I am so grateful for the grace and strength the gave us as we walked a journey we never could have fathomed. I miss my boys, but some days I have to be honest, it makes my heart happy that they will never know the pains and heartache of this world. They are rejoicing at the side of our Father and have NO worries. They are worshiping and joyful. My heart physically aches, but I am grateful.
The day got harder still when we went to have a family photo taken for our Church Directory. For some reason I always think I can get through a family photo without losing my mind and the fact remains that I cannot. When two someones are missing, it just doesn't feel right. I did ok, and held myself together but am not proud to say that I was anxious, irritable and snippy with my family all afternoon.
This time of year is so tough. So many reminders and so much wondering what might have been. The holidays especially make my heart hurt. I write today asking that as we approach the holiday season that you would join me in praying for families who are missing special someones. I pray that we can all choose joy and find peace in knowing He is sovereign over it all.
I want to leave you with a few pictures of my three earthly kiddos from before our family pictures yesterday. The photographer got a great shot of the three cuties, but at 32.00 for ONE picture, we just couldn't go there. So here is what I got! :)