Blissful Ignorance

Six years ago today, I was a different person.  I lived a different reality and I cried a lot less.  Six years ago I walked the earth, belly swollen with child, assuming that very soon I would go into labor, give birth to a beautiful baby boy and take him home to live happily ever after.  Visions of two little brothers close in age, being best friends, loving each other, fighting with each other and sticking up for one another danced through my mind.  I dreamed of his first tooth, first steps, first day of kindergarten and dancing at his wedding. 

Since that day those rose colored glasses have been shattered.  I live a completely different reality.  I live in a world where decisions like what color to paint a nursery don't matter because decisions like taking your child off of life support trump them.  I have seen tiny urns and gravestones for babies.  I have held my own children as they took their first breath and also their last.  I have planned baby memorial services and sobbed until I was certain my c section scar would tear back open. 


Somehow...today..the day before Isaac's birthday is often one of the hardest days for me.  It marks the end of an era and the shattering of those rose colored glasses.  An innocence was lost and while I sometimes wish for those days again.  I am determined to count it all joy.  I know that what the Lord has for me is greater than I could ever imagine.  I know even on my darkest day He holds me in the palm of His mighty hand.  Today, I will fight the urge to pull the covers over my head and sleep the day away.  I will resist eating a gallon of ice cream and sitting in a dark room.  Today I will put one foot in front of the other...breathe in and out, and choose joy.  I know that my hurt pales in comparison to what the Lord holds for me.  For today, as I struggle to exist, I will stand firm on that promise, knowing I am loved and that Isaac is right where the Lord planned for him.