Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Blissful Ignorance

Six years ago today, I was a different person.  I lived a different reality and I cried a lot less.  Six years ago I walked the earth, belly swollen with child, assuming that very soon I would go into labor, give birth to a beautiful baby boy and take him home to live happily ever after.  Visions of two little brothers close in age, being best friends, loving each other, fighting with each other and sticking up for one another danced through my mind.  I dreamed of his first tooth, first steps, first day of kindergarten and dancing at his wedding. 

Since that day those rose colored glasses have been shattered.  I live a completely different reality.  I live in a world where decisions like what color to paint a nursery don't matter because decisions like taking your child off of life support trump them.  I have seen tiny urns and gravestones for babies.  I have held my own children as they took their first breath and also their last.  I have planned baby memorial services and sobbed until I was certain my c section scar would tear back open. 


Somehow...today..the day before Isaac's birthday is often one of the hardest days for me.  It marks the end of an era and the shattering of those rose colored glasses.  An innocence was lost and while I sometimes wish for those days again.  I am determined to count it all joy.  I know that what the Lord has for me is greater than I could ever imagine.  I know even on my darkest day He holds me in the palm of His mighty hand.  Today, I will fight the urge to pull the covers over my head and sleep the day away.  I will resist eating a gallon of ice cream and sitting in a dark room.  Today I will put one foot in front of the other...breathe in and out, and choose joy.  I know that my hurt pales in comparison to what the Lord holds for me.  For today, as I struggle to exist, I will stand firm on that promise, knowing I am loved and that Isaac is right where the Lord planned for him.



11 comments:

Amber said...

Hugs and Prayers being sent your way today!

Alicia said...

Very well spoken. I had no idea that life could be so different after the death of a child. Happy Birthday to Isaac. My prayers are with you.

A said...

Oh Kristy, my heart is with you on days like today. I love how you CHOOSE to remain joyful even in the midst of your sorrow. Thinking and praying for you today- celebrating the life of little Isaac!

Heather said...

Many prayers your being sent for you.

Cheryl said...

My heart aches for you and your loss of the age of your "rose colored glasses"...brings tears to my eyes that others have had to go through such a difficult time.

Your blog encourages me as a fellow Christian who has experienced loss. Recently I have really found your blog as though Christ is really speaking through you to me.

Thanks for posting with your heart.

((hugs))
With love,
Cheryl

Crystal Theresa said...

Thinking of you and your sweet Isaac today and especially on his birthday, tomorrow. ((hugs))

Kelly @ Sufficient Grace Ministries said...

Love to you, dear friend...remembering Isaac with you today...

Happy Birthday sweet boy!

Jenn said...

(((hugs))) I feel your pain. The 13th was our sons first birthday & today is his 1st angelversary. Praying today is a day of reflection of your sons precious life & the impact he has made on many!

Becky said...

Some thoughts are harder to bring under captivity - I have been praying for you the past two days.

Yesterday there was an article in our newspaper about a mom who lost a daughter at 26 weeks - miscarriage. She has turned that into a ministry where she makes up memory boxes for those who experience early delivery/stillbirth. She includes a camera, photo album, packet of forget me nots, poem, tissues. I have been pondering this - thought about adding kit for prints, simple gown, blanket, knit cap (for very early gestation), resources like NILMDTS, a Bible believing church, etc. The head nurse on L & D goes to my church and I thought about running it by her. We have had two still births in the past two days. Something for me to pray about - a ministry that could really be a blessing and touch some hurting people.

Stacy D said...

Thinking of you and praying for you today, Kristy. Remembering your precious Isaac with you...

Aspiring Foster Mama said...

I love you friend. Beautiful post. Praying for you now and always!