Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Struggling today...

This morning I find myself struggling more and more. I am trying so hard to just be patient and wait to see what God has in store. I am eating well and resting so that I am giving Happy the best chances possible, but ultimately I know that this is completely out of my control. No matter how hard I try, I cannot control this situation. The thought of going back to Pittsburgh makes me nauseated. It is still 3 long weeks away but it was not a pleasant experience and it was very difficult to be positive there. Today I am feeling a little sorry for myself. I am wondering what God is trying to show me. I am trying so hard to live and learn and yet each and every time I think I may have a moment to breathe, tragedy strikes again. I have joked that I wouldn't dare walk outside in a lightening storm but in a way I am not joking. I feel kind of targeted. I mean I am totally losing the odds game. We all have bad things happen in life but as I look back at my life I see a trainwreck and good always comes out of the pain, but I just need a moment of rest. I am tired today. I am feeling weak and am questioning everything yet have no answers. I pray that God will deliver me from this situation and heal my little guy. I long to hold him in my arms and let him know how deeply I love him. His brothers are anxiously awaiting him. Luke is so sensitive, and he knows something is up. If he doesn't know where I am he constantly will come to find me and "check on me". It breaks my heart that he is worried. His view of what it means to get a new baby is so different from most children. He knows what happened with Isaac and was confused when Ben came home. Now, I am just praying I don't have more to explain to him after this. He already hugs the baby every morning and talks to him through my belly if that is the microphone to Happy's heart! It is so sweet. Today I am just praying for God's grace and strenghth. I cannot do this on my own. I am growing weary.

1 comment:

The Pittsburgh Hites said...

I think today was just a tired day. It was all i could do today to get out of bed, poor Greg had to get Maggie ready for school and he took and picked her up himself. It's not very often he's able to do that, so i'm sure he didn't mind too much.
We were at Genetics yesterday. Only Shell and my sister know we had a sonogram so we can surprise Mema and my Aunt this weekend. We met with a lady, i can't remember her name(not the same one you saw) and i think they like to scare people. After they went over family history, they went over all the options for us in the next couple months. Yesterday was basically the sonogram to measure the back of the neck and blood work. Barney wouldn't cooperate with the first tech, so we went for bloodwork and she told me to walk around and drink lots of water. I think they forgot about us, over an hour later when i thought i was going to burst i finally asked if they were coming back for me. We were in the Genetics waiting room for about an hour and a half yesterday. Talk about fun! Our second tech was great, poor Barney looked like he was wedged in a crevice of of two rocks because my bladder was so full. She let me use the restroom and then Barney started wiggling again. There were hands and legs going everywhere! At one point Barney was standing on his(her) head!! It was pretty amusing. Our second tech was the same tech that did our sonogram this spring when i first started spotting. It was a little daunting to go back in that room, but i had to remind myself that's not the room we were in when we found out we lost the baby! All in all it wasn't too bad, but we won't find out anything else for at least a week when the results come back. I have the pleasure of an Echocardiogram at my next sono. in January. My family has a high history of heart defects so they just want to be careful.
How far were you when you started feeling Happy move? I can feel Barney pretty regularly now, and i think Greg and Maggie are a little jealous. Maggie like Luke loves to talk to the baby, it melts my heart. I think it's their age, they just know and are such little givers, it's wonderful.
I'm glad you got to enjoy a couple days with Howard and the boys, it's nice to just have family time. We don't get much of that either. It seems like Greg is gone more and more with work and school. I can only imagine what's going to happen in the spring when he's working on his Doctorite AND working!
I'm sorry to hear about your friends as well, we'll add them to our prayers. Hopefully they're all wrong and they'll get good news when they come to Pittsburgh! I think these tests are crazy! When Maggie was born she was in the 95-97th percentile in ever catagory but her head size. I think that was only in like the 75th. They told me her head was small. I thought it looked big, and by the time she was 6 months she had a HUGE(bald) head!!
I just can't fathom that people asked you what your going to do about Happy! Don't they have children? I just cannot imagine anyone even thinking there's an option just because their baby might have an obsticle to overcome. Obsticles are what build character! If all of our lives were perfect and without obsticles where would be? Life is about challenges, it makes us stronger! Happy will have character coming out of his ears! Combine Ben and Luke, they are both quite the characters, and you'll have Happy!
Okay i wrote you a novel again. I'm getting good at that. I hope your feeling a little better tonight, take a deep breath(and maybe a warm bath)and kiss the boys!
We're still praying!!