Sinking In

Last night I was lying in bed and Howard came in to read before going to sleep. He asked how I was doing as I had just showered and not re-emerged to finish our Wii game. I looked at him and said, "Howard, there is a chance that this baby might live." the words just spilled out and then came the tears. He looked at me bewildered and said "Yes, Kristy, this baby is going to live. It sounds to me like someone has been feeding you lies" It had just hit me. I had been living the past twenty one weeks telling God that if He again chose to take my baby to Heaven that I would trust and willingly give them over despite how badly I wanted to keep them, preparing myself for that, never thinking about the idea that He might allow this baby to remain a part of our family here on Earth, just not allowing myself to go there.

I struggle with the idea of hope. We use the word freely. "I hope the results are good." "I hope we get to go on vacation." " I hope we get to sleep tonight." We use the word when we don't fully expect something to happen but we want it to. The word hope in the Bible is used differently. It is used as a word to describe something we fully believe but cannot see.

I fully believe that God has a plan for my life. I fully believe that that plan is good. I have struggled with the idea of hoping for a healthy baby. When I use the word hope in that context I have been using the worldly definition of the word hope. I truly want this baby to be healthy, yet in all honesty, I am not confident that it is truly what will happen. I am still struggling with that. I mean God has allowed two of my children to die in my arms. Why would he spare me this time? There is no indication that anything is wrong, I know God is doing something new, that is certain. Each of my children have been a new blessing from God. Each of them similar yet so different. I know this baby will be no exception to that. I am just not sure how to be confident that God will allow me to bring this baby home. I am certainly not exempt from more suffering.

I am still keenly aware of the fact that NONE of us know what tomorrow holds. We just have to trust God and keep living for Him. I will admit though I am feeling reassured and the possibility of bringing a little one home this spring makes my heart leap for joy, I am allowing myself to begin to dream of all things newborn. I am praying that the next ultrasound on February 23 (the day after Asher's birthday) goes as well. I am so very grateful that they were able to see and measure the brain structures and other vital organs. As for the gender...really, and in all honesty...it just doesn't matter. I know that God knows what is best for our family. Should He bless us with a fifth son I will be just as excited as if he chooses to bless us with our first daughter.



The truth is that I LOVE being the mommy to boys. I also love being the only girl in the house. That said, I would love to have a Cabbage Patch Doll in the house and play Barbies (though the teenage girl part...scares me a little, okay, a lot). If I got to choose boy or girl...I am not sure I even could. So I am okay with waiting, that part will reveal itself in time whether at the next scan or not until birth, we are just thrilled that this baby is growing and developing on track. We have found out the gender of each of our children through ultrasound but we are well aware of the fact that finding out the gender is not the purpose of ultrasound nor should it be.

Regardless of what the future holds, we know God is sovereign over all of it. He knows what is best for us and we are just trusting in his plan. Thank you all so much for praying for us. I am overwhelmed every day by the number of people loving and praying for our family. I am so thankful for each of you.

"I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Psalm 31:14-15

I am so glad that this scripture is true.