Thursday, January 29, 2009

Sinking In

Last night I was lying in bed and Howard came in to read before going to sleep. He asked how I was doing as I had just showered and not re-emerged to finish our Wii game. I looked at him and said, "Howard, there is a chance that this baby might live." the words just spilled out and then came the tears. He looked at me bewildered and said "Yes, Kristy, this baby is going to live. It sounds to me like someone has been feeding you lies" It had just hit me. I had been living the past twenty one weeks telling God that if He again chose to take my baby to Heaven that I would trust and willingly give them over despite how badly I wanted to keep them, preparing myself for that, never thinking about the idea that He might allow this baby to remain a part of our family here on Earth, just not allowing myself to go there.

I struggle with the idea of hope. We use the word freely. "I hope the results are good." "I hope we get to go on vacation." " I hope we get to sleep tonight." We use the word when we don't fully expect something to happen but we want it to. The word hope in the Bible is used differently. It is used as a word to describe something we fully believe but cannot see.

I fully believe that God has a plan for my life. I fully believe that that plan is good. I have struggled with the idea of hoping for a healthy baby. When I use the word hope in that context I have been using the worldly definition of the word hope. I truly want this baby to be healthy, yet in all honesty, I am not confident that it is truly what will happen. I am still struggling with that. I mean God has allowed two of my children to die in my arms. Why would he spare me this time? There is no indication that anything is wrong, I know God is doing something new, that is certain. Each of my children have been a new blessing from God. Each of them similar yet so different. I know this baby will be no exception to that. I am just not sure how to be confident that God will allow me to bring this baby home. I am certainly not exempt from more suffering.

I am still keenly aware of the fact that NONE of us know what tomorrow holds. We just have to trust God and keep living for Him. I will admit though I am feeling reassured and the possibility of bringing a little one home this spring makes my heart leap for joy, I am allowing myself to begin to dream of all things newborn. I am praying that the next ultrasound on February 23 (the day after Asher's birthday) goes as well. I am so very grateful that they were able to see and measure the brain structures and other vital organs. As for the gender...really, and in all honesty...it just doesn't matter. I know that God knows what is best for our family. Should He bless us with a fifth son I will be just as excited as if he chooses to bless us with our first daughter.



The truth is that I LOVE being the mommy to boys. I also love being the only girl in the house. That said, I would love to have a Cabbage Patch Doll in the house and play Barbies (though the teenage girl part...scares me a little, okay, a lot). If I got to choose boy or girl...I am not sure I even could. So I am okay with waiting, that part will reveal itself in time whether at the next scan or not until birth, we are just thrilled that this baby is growing and developing on track. We have found out the gender of each of our children through ultrasound but we are well aware of the fact that finding out the gender is not the purpose of ultrasound nor should it be.

Regardless of what the future holds, we know God is sovereign over all of it. He knows what is best for us and we are just trusting in his plan. Thank you all so much for praying for us. I am overwhelmed every day by the number of people loving and praying for our family. I am so thankful for each of you.

"I am trusting you, O Lord, saying, "You are my God!" My future is in your hands. Psalm 31:14-15



I am so glad that this scripture is true.

21 comments:

Kathaleen said...

I made a red baby bib and I said to Dh if this baby lives look what I made for Christmas next year. He looked at me and said I was being negative. I am trying to protect myself, but does God want us to carry that burden? If we could fully trust him and not worry for tomorrow... I am wondering if I am holding back and just giving him enough to function, not how he longs for us to live.

I am so happy about your baby! I realized after I read your good news I was seriously stressing for you. My shoulders were all stiff and tight. :) So glad everything looks perfect!

Praying :)
Kathaleen

Ms. K said...

Kristy... I have the ultimate faith that this one is knitting itself together perfect with divine guidance.

Maybe replace hope with faith. I have faith I will get sleep tonight. I have faith this baby will come home and grow with my family. I have faith we'll have a fabulous vacation ... I find just a shift in word changes the whole meaning.

What I have faith in? I'll have a house of my own, with a red door, and a fenced back yard with a dog-friend for me. I have the utmost faith in that!

<3 you!

Laurie in Ca. said...

Kristy,

I am with you sweetie, just a healthy baby for the Boltes. I have such hope for you all Kristy. I continue to pray that God keeps your hope in Him higher than any lie the devil tries to throw your way. He who is in you is bigger than he who is in the world. I am trusting HIM for you. I love you Kristy.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Carrie said...

With all that you have been through anyone can surely see why you are struggling with hope. You are gaurding your heart in case things don't turn out the way you want them to. I think you are an amazing woman and your faith is inspiring. You are only human and I think you do an amazing job demonstrating your love and trust in the Lord.

Trish said...

Kristy,
I would have to think you were crazy if you didn't struggle with how to think and what to hope for. The road you have traveled would lead anyone to struggle with fear of what to hope and what to dream for. Just from where I sit now I struggle with putting hope in having a healthy family. Some part of me fears that by putting my hope in that I am not being humble. And that I am trying to control how God works which obviously I know I can't. I don't know if these are some of the fears that have been driven up for you, but these fears in how to be really have been on my mind. So your post hit home today!!

I guess I'm trying to say it's okay to feel shaky on where to put your hope right now, God understands. The place I can find comfort in those difficult thoughts, is God knows already. HIS plan!

with love,
Trish
Max's mom

sumi said...

Psa 130:7 Let Israel hope in the LORD: for with the LORD there is mercy, and with him is plenteous redemption.

He IS merciful, and he DOES restore, Kristy. I sometimes wonder if he will choose to give me another sweet little girl to love or not, but I know that whatever happens, my testimony (and yours) will always be: "The Lord is good."

HUGS!!! Thanks for your sweet and encouraging comments on my blog. I am a bit weepy today but comments like yours warm my heart.

Heather said...

i'm so proud of you and how you're still being so fluid to God and his plan. your courage in him is inspiring.
i have three boys, then lost two babies, then had a baby girl. she' 8 months old.
i was terrified when we found out she was coming! i only know boys!!! and i agree, being a mommy to all boys is something special. :) but i've enjoyed it all thoroughly... as you would too.
praying for continued peace and grace as you keep moving forward. one day at a time!
-heather

Kathy said...

My sister is 22 weeks today, she is also aproaching the time where she learned she had developed HELLP and the Dr needed to bring Brody into this world at only 25 weeks... his little lungs were just too small, he fought so hard for 9 days. It is so very hard to watch her go through this time and she so wants to buy things for him (yes another Boy!!), but also hesitates not knowing what the future holds...We have HOPE and praying for the Best.Your post is so true...thnx for sharing your life...Praying for you and your family in Georgia.
Kathy:)

Ang said...

I am so happy as I am sure you are that God has allowed another blessing to come into your family!! God is still Able and on the Throne. I do wish for crystal balls sometimes or to be like in Bible times and just actually hear HIS voice outloud..:) I will be praying for your family!!

Carla Burlando said...

Your fears and your hopes are so familiar to me. Having lost two babies already it is hard not to prepare yourself for the worst...but don't forget to also prepare for the best..for the blessings He wants to give you. I struggled with fear throughout each of my pregnancies. We lost our innocence after loosing our first child and with each subsiquent pregnancy I struggled. I almost think my last pregnancy (number 5) was the hardest. Dumb superstitious stuff...we lost number 1, kept 2, lost 3, kept 4....number 5 ? There was a pattern and I was on the loosing side. I'm not a supersticious person by any stretch but I couldn't kick that fear. I had to claim it as the lies it was and believe that each baby is a unique gift..not just an even or odd number :) He is a healthy and energetic two year old right now :)
You will have a beautiful little blessing tearing up your house very soon. :)

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Oh, I have so been where you are. I remember struggling to hope when I was expecting our youngest son James (after losing our twins, Faith and Grace and a year-an-a-half later, our son Thomas). My husband could not allow himself to believe that our baby would live througout the entire pregnancy. It wasn't until we held him in our arms that it was real...and even then, we couldn't believe it! We CAN hope in our Lord...He will never let us down...whatever the outcome. I know you know that. He is carrying you, even now. And we are praying...and we will keep praying, for hope and for the blessing of new life.

Keep Hanging on,
Kelly Gerken

Brittany said...

Hi! This is the first time to post on your blog. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have the fear of your child not living. The good news is that everything is going well thus far. So take comfort in that. Even though I am sure it is easier said than done!

Mbeaty19 said...

After reading your post I felt a strong need to post back to you. I had three miscarriages within a year. Two times the miscarriages were discovered on days I was scheduled for an ultrasound. (Therefore I can relate to your ill-feelings about ultrasounds) Each time I asked God for his guidance and after each loss I turned to him instead of away as so many do. I asked him to take care of my babies. I told him if I was not meant to have children of my own and instead adopt I would follow that path. When I discovered that I was pregnant again I found myself believing that the child was destined to be with God as were my others. Throughout my whole pregnancy I never could shake that feeling. It wasn't until I had my son for the first time did I truly realize how doubtful I had become.
God knows what is best for us. I believe that your child is going to be here to stay for a long time. God has his plan and if you let him guide you and not question what can not be changed that plan will reveal itself.

Auntie Em said...

I am so blessed by your family. I am praying for a completely normal, uneventful pregnancy with a fabulous outcome and lots of sleepless nights in about 19 weeks!

In Christ,
Paige Wright
http://www.carepages.com/carepages/AnnaandEmma

Jason and Vanessa said...

I just wanted to let you know that I am praying for you. My husband and I delivered conjoined twin girls on November 11, 2008 they only lived for an hour. (I can't remember if I have commented on your blog before sorry) When I think about getting pregnant again all the thought that you wrote about in your post just start flooding my brain. I just have to remember that God is sovereign and His ways are far better than mine. I really enjoy reading this blog http://emily0305.blogspot.com/2009/01/she-gets-to-stay.html
their baby also died and she is now pregnant again. Yall have a lot in common and I'm sure could be such an encouragement to each other. I'm so excited that you have LIFE growing in your womb. Like I said I'm praying for you and your family!

Vanessa Delgado

Meredith said...

Praising God for his little miracle he has blessed you with! I am SO amazed at your strength and I have learned so much just following your story. You are an amazing mom and your boys are so blessed to have you for their mom. CONGRATULATIONS! Stay strong and continue to TRUST in the Lord at ALL times! Praying for you!

Lindsay said...

Thank you so much for being the FOURTH follower on my little blog. I'm really trying to build up a strong base of Christian solid women, to pray for and for support.
I am so glad that this pregnancy seems to be going beautifully. Once you have that pink, squirmy, baby in your arms, the worry won't have mattered. I just KNOW it will be ok. So go ahead and be joyful! I am rejoicing for you.

** You are going to be such a testament to us babylost mommas, that we too, can bring another baby safely into this world.

Cristi said...

For a Christian there is a balance to find between faith/trusting God and knowing what he has allowed to happen previously. It is a road of letting go of the life line, and grabbing it again when you feel yourself beginning to fall, then letting go again. God understands. He is the one who created us.

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

Hey Kristy,
Wow, you really have a way with words. Your post made me cry. I am right where you are (albeit not pregnant yet!) in terms of 'hoping' that next time everything might be ok. Hoping, but not really expecting it will be ok, nor really believing that it can be. You give me so much strength and so much hope. After a miscarriage, then the death of our first son, Will, 15 minutes after he was born from a genetic condition (25% chance of recurrence), then our second son, Charlie, being born with an unrelated, but incurable congenital heart defect - so many people have said we should just give up and make the most of the time we have with Charlie. But I'm not 'done' with babies yet, and Charlie is desperate for a sibling who he can meet. He's five and a bit now, and understands that we might have a baby like Will, who has to go straight to Heaven, or one like him with a 'special' heart... or even a boring, ordinary 'normal' baby! (Oh, how I'd love to have boring and ordinary for a change!) It's just so hard to hear him pray every night for our (as yet not-even-conceived!) next baby - 'Dear Lord Jesus, please let our baby have nothing wrong with it and let it be able to stay with us.' Charlie has quite a few food issues because of his heart, and struggles a bit with eating. But my mum told him that she's been praying he'll find eating easier - and just recently he's started having school lunches and is doing really well with them. He said to me the other day 'Nanny was praying that I'd get quicker at eating, and I have - and I've been praying that our next baby will be ok - so it will!' I guess that's the kind of faith and hope I should be aspiring to! Sorry to ramble on - I know you understand where I'm coming from! Please know that we're praying for all of you, and especially for your new little one. With love X

Tracy said...

Oh my! I had lost you from my pop-down blog list after being gone on vacation (the hazards of reading blogs at work!) and just re-found you and read your wonderful news! And selfishly, even better for me, I didn't have to wait for the good news of the ultrasound -- I found out you are expecting and expecting a healthy baby all at once. At the same time, I know that healthy ultrasound does not mean worry-free pregnancy, so I am thrilled to be able to pray for you and this little one. Thank you for sharing your life with us.

Christy said...

Oh you sweet sweet woman. My heart aches for you. I am absolutely praying for you and for this sweet baby growing inside of you. I believe you will bring this sweet baby home and if the baby is a girl, you will love her and not worry about the teenage years, because no matter how bad they MIGHT be, they'll be worth every moment!

She/He will be a beautiful blessing and so very, very loved! My how she/he will be loved!!!