Thursday, August 13, 2009

Prayers and Canimals

I sit here tonight gripped with fear...I am not sure what has happened today to cause it, but it is creeping in and I am fighting, yet the fear seems to be winning. I panic with every "symptom" I see in Hope. Is it a heart defect? Is it internal blistering? Is it colic? My mind is racing and I cannot seem to focus. Please pray for me and for sweet Hope. I can never tell if it is a "mom's intuition" and something to follow up on or Satan trying to steal my joy with fear. Please pray for discernment for me. I want to be Hope's best advocate and yet I want to enjoy her and not worry incessantly with each whimper, cough and whine.

On a totally different, extremely hilarious note this is a conversation I had with Ben last night as we were getting ready to read bedtime stories.

Ben: "Mommy, I want the book with the canimals in it."

Me: "Canimals? I am not sure I know what book you mean buddy."

Ben: "Mom! You know the ones that hump."

* He of course meant that he wanted the book about CAMELS. I am pretty sure I will be laughing about this one for weeks.


Cameron said...

Praying for our Father's calm, peace and discernment to wash over you. May your heart rest in the gentle control of His will. A mother's vigilent eye is a gift and a necessity. One that serves you well with your blessed children. May God hush Satan's lies and fortify your strength with His truth!! You are loved and prayed for tonight, blessed sister!

Jennifer said...

*hugs* Saying a prayer for you tonight.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Praying for peace.....

Shari said...

I have been praying for you and precious Hope. I pray you can feel Jesus' peace, comfort and strength during your fearful, confused times. Take care! And, that was funny about Ben's conversation!

Just Me said...

I don't know if this will help or not, but I have a chronic illness (bipolar disorder). I went through what you are describing, always fearful every feeling I had was things going out of control. I lived with so much fear.

But as time passed I got used to this being part of my life. I learned that I can have normal feelings about things, and even that I can get depressed when bad things happen and it doesn't mean everything is going to fall apart. I have learned when to worry I have something wrong and when not to.

As hard as it is to believe, you will adjust. I think it is one of those things related to God making us in mysterious ways.

PS. Love reading about the area you live in. I went to college in Grove City.

Cheryl said...

Philippians 4:6-8 Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

Psalm 18:2
The LORD is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer;My God, my strength, in whom I will trust

Matthew 11:28
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."

Praying these for you and praying that you'll feel the peace and comfort of God encircling you today.

With Hope,

Heather said...

Praying that God will calm your fears and give you insight when there is a problem. It's so hard to tell with babies as it is, and it must be that much harder for you. Praying it's just colic, nothing more. Praying for peace that passes your understanding.

Laurie in Ca. said...

Went to sleep last night and woke up this morning with thoughts and prayers for you dear friend. Asking God to cast out your fear with His perfect love for you and Hope. Love you bunches.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Gramma in Indiana said...

I can so relate to that! It's like my imagination can run wild. I finally had to surrender the whole thing to God. Whether I lived or whether I died it was okay because nothing could happen to me that ultimately God allowed. And what He allows is best for me. I tell myself that over and over and over. I also quote alot of "what time I am afraid, I will trust in Thee" to myself. It helps.

KK said...

Canimals, I love it!

ShEiLa said...

I think feeling a bit of panic is natural considering your life experience... Any wonderful Mother would naturally have fear of losing again... and I will pray that you will have discernment between what needs worry and concern and what doesn't.


Rachel said...

Praying for peace for you. You have been through so much with losing two babies even if Hope didn't have EB it would be perfectly normal for you to be a little more cautious and worried then other moms. Add to that her EB and of course you worry about your sweet girl. Praying that God will give you peace and continue to keep Hope healthy and strong.
Hugs and prayers
Rachel in PA

Emily said...

*Snicker* what a funny conversation! Love that kind of thing!

Praying for you and your sweet girl and you learn and grow.

julia said...

Please consider talking to your OB about your issues with panic and fear. These are clearly symptoms of post partum depression. Although Hope has medical issues, and you have had bad outcomes in the past, you still are showing symptoms of this type of problem, which needs to be addressed.

boltefamily said...

Thank you Julia for being concerned. I have actually spoken with my OB and my PCP about my fear and panic, and as of right now I am really dealing with things pretty well. I have my moments. Who doesn't? But I recognize when it is happening and pray and work through it. We are aware of and on the look out for PPD as it is always a possibility, but for now it is just a mom who has been through a lot dealing with a lot. :)

Mommato4miracles said...

I am praying and will continue. As a mom of a child with a chronic medical condition, I am so anxious whenever ANYTHING is different. I often pray to God for discernment for myself and will also now be praying for yours too:-)