February is always such a tough month on my heart. It is the month that marks my mother's birthday and Asher's. I have for so long carried so much anger toward my mom, and I can honestly say that I think that healing is happening. As God works on my heart he sometimes painfully forces these things to the surface and forces me to deal with them.
This month I had to write an "autobiography" for our Foster Care Agency. I put it off until the last possible moment. While I have NO trouble elaborating about my sweet Isaac and Asher, when it comes to my mom, it is a wound I prefer to leave bandaged. It isn't always a part of my life I feel comfortable sharing and it downright hurts.
As I look back on this past year, though her absence still stings with each milestone and hardship, I still long to be able to call my mom for reinforcement when I am spent or to just cry with her or have lunch with her, but I am able to see a lot more. Through my writing of my mother and her suicide on this blog, I have had a few women this year write me and thank me for sharing so openly. They too were struggling with the feelings my own mother must have had and after reading through the experience from my perspective they were able to make different choices because of the LOVE they have for their own kids. I have also connected with other women who have similar hurts. The thing is...it hurts, deep into the core of my soul it hurts, but the Lord has brought purpose to this suffering too.
So, while I do wish things could have been different and I long to have a mom of my own, I also have been able to find gratitude and joy where I am. The Lord is capable of redeeming all of our hurts. One day it will all be made right. Oh how I long for that day.