I have had a lot on my heart lately. I have hidden much from this blog and it just isn't my style. Typically, I am an open book and lately, as the Lord continues to work on refine me I find myself seeking seclusion and safety. He is working nonetheless.
For a long time my heart has ached. Ached for certain someones who are not physically in this house but take up a special room in my heart. For a long time I assumed that this aching was for my boys. My arms have literally throbbed in aching longing for those sweet boys and with Asher's birthday approaching, his absence is very real. As I have isolated and spent time with the Lord, He has shown me much. If I am being honest, I will say this has been a painful season of my life as the Lord has so clearly shown me areas of my life that I have been holding back.
He has shown me that when I chose to give my life to Him, He wasn't just asking for my extras. He demands more than my free time, my extra money (whatever that is), and a piece of my heart. He demands it all. He holds me accountable for EVERY moment, EVERY penny, and every dark secret in my heart. EVERY.ONE. As I have done some examining it has become all to clear what things I have been witholding. I have followed and obeyed, but if the cost seemed to high, I have copped out saying that it wasn't what God was calling me to do.
I think this is a lie that we often believe as followers of Christ. You know, the one where we believe that if God is TRULY calling us to do something, that it will be easy, that we will have a warm fuzzy feeling and affirmation that we are following Him. I am not sure I believe that exists. I believe that we are ALL called to follow Him in RADICAL obdeience. We are asked not to count the cost. Sometimes I think because I am trying so hard to get us out of debt, all I do is count the cost.
As I have spent more time in prayer and quiet time with God, I have found that he has opened my eyes to a few things. This aching I feel in my heart, is actually not for Isaac or Asher. I miss them, I do ache for them at times for sure, but I know they are happy and in the arms of their Heavenly Father. I know that they are where we all ultimately want our children to be. I do not have to worry about them. As I have gone deeper I have realized my aching is for OTHER children who belong in this home who are not here.
That said, one night Howard and I were talking...he was talking about how we have always said we would ONE DAY do foster care, but now was not the appropriate season of our lives. As we examined the decision to wait for a more "appropriate time" we looked at each of the reasons we were waiting. They were all about us. Every.single.one. was about our comfort and fears. Our home is too small, our bank account too small, we don't want to be tied down, we don't want to take away from our three sweet kids...and as we listed them we realized how selfish we in fact our and we know our God is bigger than all of that...SO we took the leap. God calls us to care for the orphan! He tells us that whatever we do to "the least of these" we also do to Him. We have finished our foster care classes which were NOT easy. We left Hope with a sitter for the first time which broke her heart and mine. We have our paperwork done and are waiting on CPR certification and First Aid...then we will have our home inspection and our home will be prepared for whoever the Lord has for us.
Satan has attacked on EVERY corner...babysitters have cancelled, sickness looms, money has been tight and as we force ourselves to push through each obstacle we have found His blessings on the other side. I have no doubt that this is going to be a difficult and often heartbreaking journey, but I also am confident that it will be laced with joy and blessings. I am white knuckling through it all knowing that I cannot allow myself to lose momentum. It is going to be an adjustment for all of us and I know as children come and go, our hearts will shatter, we have lived that reality before and we know all too well that the Lord can piece back together with beauty even the most broken of hearts. Beauty from ashes...only our Lord.