Sunday, August 10, 2008

Boldness and Brutal Honesty

The wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion. Proverbs 28:1


The past week has been a whirlwind of emotion for me. As I shared on Wednesday, I babysat for my sister-in-law on Wednesday. Howard had a meeting at school so it was just me and the three boys. I got up early to get my housework done in anticipation of a crazy day and I have to say it was one of the most fun days of the week. We had a great time. I had carefully planned out the day and had things organized and ready to go and everything went pretty smoothly.

Howard called at nap time to see if the house had imploded, and there was silence. The children were napping and I was reading. Peace had dominated the afternoon. As I sat reading that afternoon and reflecting on my day, I sipped my blueberry coffee (which is utterly delicious to all of you close minded naysayers. :-))and I thought about what it would be like to have three or even four boys in my home daily. I have often secretly wondered if God had taken the boys from me knowing that there was no way I could handle that many children. Maybe he knew that it would put me over the edge. I like order. I do not like noise and chaos. If I am speaking honestly, I cannot deny that I have wondered if that wasn't why God had chosen to take Isaac and Asher.

This day proved to me that I CAN do it. Having more children will certainly cause me to rise early and plan a little better, but at the end of the day, a house full of children would be worth every early moment. I don't believe that is why God allowed my boys to enter Heaven so soon. It wasn't that I would not have been able to handle them. We would have adapted and we would have loved each moment. More children doesn't have to mean more chaos, it just means a little more thinking ahead.

All that said, this week, I had a pregnancy scare. Not scare really, more surprise. I suspected, I took a test, I got a positive result (continue reading before jumping to conclusions). We had been praying about all of this and wondering where God might lead us when it comes to growing our family and we had been preventing pregnancy right now mainly for my health for a bit. I have had four sons in less than five years. We had chosen to use Natural Family Planning for many reasons ( and I am not looking for birth control advice), but when I saw the two lines on the test my heart leapt. While waiting the two minutes for the results I had prayed, I had prayed that God WOULD bless us with a child, and there WAS a faint pink line, I decided to keep this to myself completely remaining in prayer all the while. I thought about the fact that this baby would be due about a week after Asher's due date, I thought about how strange that would be since Ben's due date was about a week after Isaac's. I prayed that if God were choosing to give us another blessing, that he would allow us to keep this one here on earth.

In disbelief I took another test two days later...this one turned out to be negative. And as it turns out I am NOT pregnant.

All of this got me thinking though. When I thought I WAS pregnant I felt a relief that I was a bit surprised by. I felt a peace knowing that I did what the world would have me do, I was trying to prevent getting pregnant and if I were in fact pregnant it was "a God thing" and therefore I had that to hide behind. It was not a decision I had made, it was a decision God had made and I would just have to go along with it.

I must admit that upon finding out that the first test must have been defective, I was disappointed. I had gotten a bit excited and I had shared my excitement with Howard before taking the second test and the look on his face was simply priceless. He has never had a doubt and has been ready to have another baby all along when the time is right for me physically. I could see the excitement in him. We were disappointed. We long to welcome another little one into our home.

As I have prayed about this the past day or so, God has again spoken to my heart and I am learning a hard truth about my Father. The thing is that I was excited and more than anything I was relieved that I had an excuse, we WERE trying to prevent a pregnancy, so I could not be blamed for those who think we are NUTS. It happens, but at least I wasn't asking for it, it was all on God. Now, this is not to say that the conception of a child is not a "God thing" it totally is, he is our creator, the creator of ALL life.

The lesson is this, God was speaking softly telling me that He knows the desires of my heart and that he will bless our family, but not under these circumstances. Not hiding behind his coattails. I must step out in boldness. I must step out in faith. It was as though He was asking "Don't you trust Me?" and my reply was something like "Yes, but...." and then he cut me off again and said, "again that is not how it works, either you do or you don't, there is no but!" You should check out Emily's post on this, I assure you, you will be blessed by her writing! I always am!

If we want God's blessings, we must be BOLD enough to ask for them. We must trust Him completely. I am so very quick to say I trust him, but it seems I am just as quick to take it back. People probably thought David was nuts as he approached Goliath, a giant, with a stone. People probably thought Peter was nuts as he stepped out of the boat, people probably thought Daniel was nuts, heck imagine how nuts some people must have thought Jesus was. The thing is that all of these people were BOLD in faith, they made a choice to step out in faith, not cower behind excuses. God is not the excuse! He is the answer!

My prayer for tonight is this:

Hi God! Thank you for continually teaching me and molding me. You are such a generous and loving God, who has blessed me beyond measure. Lord, I pray that you continue to teach me and that you give me the strength, faith, and the grace to step out of this boat I am in. I pray for the strength, David had as he stood facing a giant with a mere sling and a rock, the faith it took for Peter to step out of that boat, I pray that I am able to tune in to your voice only, tuning out the voices of those around me, for Your voice, is the one and only voice of truth, the one that will lead me down the right path, whatever that is, I pray that you mold my desires to your will and that I will be able to stay focused with my eyes solely on you and not the things or feelings of this world. Lord I am so unworthy, yet so incredibly grateful that you ARE my rock, my salvation. I give it all to you Father, again, I give it to you for you and only you can bring beauty from these ashes!

In your wonderful name I pray! AMEN!

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2

13 comments:

M said...

Thank you for your honesty! I admire you for that so much. Just wanted you to know I am reading your post and praying for you!

Michelle

Emily said...

You have no idea how this speaks to my heart. No idea at all. I am praying for you and I know our Father hears you and will credit your faith as righteousness. :)

Alicia said...

Beautifully spoken, Kristy! And oh, so true!! I have had two miscarriages in less than a year...and hid behind "we were not trying...." (I am 38, others say "Why would you want another child?) You have given me something to really think about...

Thank you!

Jill said...

Kristy,

AMEN! Bravo for your boldness and honesty!

God is working many wonderful things in your heart right now and it is a blessing to be a part of them as you share with us here!

God does desire only one thing from us - our belief 100%, 100% of the time. No strings attached, no holding back and with total abandon!

I pray you let the soft words of God soothe your spirit and soul in the coming days and weeks. That those words replace the ones you hear now - you won't be able to do it or others will judge you for the timing of the next child.

You owe the world no excuse. You are a child of the Most High and He will create life perfectly when the time is right. He will be right there guiding you every step of the way as you will have to rely on your faith to get you through. How sweet a place to be - righ in our Father's will!

Hold tight to His promises and rest in His love for you!

Praying for you and your precious family!

Psalm 37 was shown to me last night as I was praying - maybe it was for you! Love - Jill

petebon5 said...

again what an inspiring post!!! i really needed that prayer today. you rock! i hope everything is laid out before you. have a blessed day!

Stacy said...

Kristy-Thank you so much for your honesty and the purity of your words and emotions. I have been blessed by your words.

I know so well the mind games that Satan uses to play with us...when are hearts desire is to truly trust the one and only....I AM! Satan deceives, distracts and causes us to question. And each time, we have to take each of those thoughts captive and put our minds back on Christ and His promises.

Hold tight to the desire that God has put in your heart and your husband's heart. Keep looking straight ahead and don't waver at what those around you say, who discourage you.....

"Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved." Psalm 62:1-2

I will be praying that God shows you His perfect timing and that you will be strengthened as you wait on Him.

Devin said...

I could comment on soooo many of the different things you said...

...but instead I am just going to say that that was one of the best, most honest, and inspiring posts I have read in a long, long time.

Thank you for sharing Kristy!!

Elisha said...

Kristy, I have very rarely commented on your blog but have been reading since long before beautiful Asher was born...but I felt the pull to comment today. You are absolutely right that your choice of whether or not to grow your family should not be based on your fear of what others may think but rather on what you wish and what Gods plan is for you. If your still in any fear of what people may think if you do choose to have another child then I hope you keep my opinion at heart. I think You and Howard choosing to have another child would be a beautiful gift irregardless of the outcome. You are so brave in the face of what I cannot even begin to imagine and far stronger than many who would just give up on thier dreams of a big family. Issac and Asher were gifts for however short of time... And any other child if you so choose would be such a gift as well. Good Luck. And on a side note... Your post made me realize my own fears as well... I have 3 boys 5,3,1 and have really been feeling the pull to have another child ... I realized through openess on your fear that I also fear what people will think - Shes only 26 and on baby #4 ! Completely different situation but still fear of what they will say rather than listening soley to my heart. If that makes sense at all . Good luck on your decision and I hope your doing alright :)

The Whalen Family said...

I think that your faith in God and how you look at things and life in general is amazing. Even beyoond everything that you and your family have gone through. It's so inspiring and I can see the Lord working in your life in more ways than one. You put a smile on my face Kristy!

Thank you!

*Tiffany*

The Dale's said...

I do not know you at all but I felt led to leave you a comment. You have every right to have (and try to have) another child. Every child is a miracle that they are even conceived. If you feel God laying on your heart to try again and you feel ready I think you should not try and give reasons why or even to explain it to anyone. Its up to God, no one else. I just wanted you to know, you aren't nuts for wanting another one, they are precious gifts from God...who wouldn't want another one? God bless!

the*4*of*us said...

Wow--you are definitely seeking God's will in everything! Good for you!!!
We use NFP and didn't get pregnant for 4.5 years, until I prayed and told God that if He wanted us to have another baby then it was up to Him. Sure enough, a month later I was pregnant!
I hope you enjoy another cup of blueberry coffee today!!

Tanya said...

Your posts show so much faith in the Lord, and a growing in seeking His face not the world and its approval. I am so blessed by your posts!

Kenzie said...

Kristy-

I absolutely LOVE this post! I love the truth that you have discovered and have shared with us... I love that God continues to reveal things to each of us that are exactly speaking to our moments of life... I love that you ARE bold and are trusting Him in everything. He knows it's hard to give it all up!

Praying for you as always! Love lots,
Kenzie