Boldness and Brutal Honesty

The wicked man flees though no one pursues, but the righteous are as bold as a lion. Proverbs 28:1

The past week has been a whirlwind of emotion for me. As I shared on Wednesday, I babysat for my sister-in-law on Wednesday. Howard had a meeting at school so it was just me and the three boys. I got up early to get my housework done in anticipation of a crazy day and I have to say it was one of the most fun days of the week. We had a great time. I had carefully planned out the day and had things organized and ready to go and everything went pretty smoothly.

Howard called at nap time to see if the house had imploded, and there was silence. The children were napping and I was reading. Peace had dominated the afternoon. As I sat reading that afternoon and reflecting on my day, I sipped my blueberry coffee (which is utterly delicious to all of you close minded naysayers. :-))and I thought about what it would be like to have three or even four boys in my home daily. I have often secretly wondered if God had taken the boys from me knowing that there was no way I could handle that many children. Maybe he knew that it would put me over the edge. I like order. I do not like noise and chaos. If I am speaking honestly, I cannot deny that I have wondered if that wasn't why God had chosen to take Isaac and Asher.

This day proved to me that I CAN do it. Having more children will certainly cause me to rise early and plan a little better, but at the end of the day, a house full of children would be worth every early moment. I don't believe that is why God allowed my boys to enter Heaven so soon. It wasn't that I would not have been able to handle them. We would have adapted and we would have loved each moment. More children doesn't have to mean more chaos, it just means a little more thinking ahead.

All that said, this week, I had a pregnancy scare. Not scare really, more surprise. I suspected, I took a test, I got a positive result (continue reading before jumping to conclusions). We had been praying about all of this and wondering where God might lead us when it comes to growing our family and we had been preventing pregnancy right now mainly for my health for a bit. I have had four sons in less than five years. We had chosen to use Natural Family Planning for many reasons ( and I am not looking for birth control advice), but when I saw the two lines on the test my heart leapt. While waiting the two minutes for the results I had prayed, I had prayed that God WOULD bless us with a child, and there WAS a faint pink line, I decided to keep this to myself completely remaining in prayer all the while. I thought about the fact that this baby would be due about a week after Asher's due date, I thought about how strange that would be since Ben's due date was about a week after Isaac's. I prayed that if God were choosing to give us another blessing, that he would allow us to keep this one here on earth.

In disbelief I took another test two days later...this one turned out to be negative. And as it turns out I am NOT pregnant.

All of this got me thinking though. When I thought I WAS pregnant I felt a relief that I was a bit surprised by. I felt a peace knowing that I did what the world would have me do, I was trying to prevent getting pregnant and if I were in fact pregnant it was "a God thing" and therefore I had that to hide behind. It was not a decision I had made, it was a decision God had made and I would just have to go along with it.

I must admit that upon finding out that the first test must have been defective, I was disappointed. I had gotten a bit excited and I had shared my excitement with Howard before taking the second test and the look on his face was simply priceless. He has never had a doubt and has been ready to have another baby all along when the time is right for me physically. I could see the excitement in him. We were disappointed. We long to welcome another little one into our home.

As I have prayed about this the past day or so, God has again spoken to my heart and I am learning a hard truth about my Father. The thing is that I was excited and more than anything I was relieved that I had an excuse, we WERE trying to prevent a pregnancy, so I could not be blamed for those who think we are NUTS. It happens, but at least I wasn't asking for it, it was all on God. Now, this is not to say that the conception of a child is not a "God thing" it totally is, he is our creator, the creator of ALL life.

The lesson is this, God was speaking softly telling me that He knows the desires of my heart and that he will bless our family, but not under these circumstances. Not hiding behind his coattails. I must step out in boldness. I must step out in faith. It was as though He was asking "Don't you trust Me?" and my reply was something like "Yes, but...." and then he cut me off again and said, "again that is not how it works, either you do or you don't, there is no but!" You should check out Emily's post on this, I assure you, you will be blessed by her writing! I always am!

If we want God's blessings, we must be BOLD enough to ask for them. We must trust Him completely. I am so very quick to say I trust him, but it seems I am just as quick to take it back. People probably thought David was nuts as he approached Goliath, a giant, with a stone. People probably thought Peter was nuts as he stepped out of the boat, people probably thought Daniel was nuts, heck imagine how nuts some people must have thought Jesus was. The thing is that all of these people were BOLD in faith, they made a choice to step out in faith, not cower behind excuses. God is not the excuse! He is the answer!

My prayer for tonight is this:

Hi God! Thank you for continually teaching me and molding me. You are such a generous and loving God, who has blessed me beyond measure. Lord, I pray that you continue to teach me and that you give me the strength, faith, and the grace to step out of this boat I am in. I pray for the strength, David had as he stood facing a giant with a mere sling and a rock, the faith it took for Peter to step out of that boat, I pray that I am able to tune in to your voice only, tuning out the voices of those around me, for Your voice, is the one and only voice of truth, the one that will lead me down the right path, whatever that is, I pray that you mold my desires to your will and that I will be able to stay focused with my eyes solely on you and not the things or feelings of this world. Lord I am so unworthy, yet so incredibly grateful that you ARE my rock, my salvation. I give it all to you Father, again, I give it to you for you and only you can bring beauty from these ashes!

In your wonderful name I pray! AMEN!

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will." Romans 12:2