Thursday, August 28, 2008

Broken Beyond Mending, Blessed Beyond Measure

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.2 Corinthians 12:8-10

This has become one of my VERY favorite verses. The truth resonates with me beyond words. I pray each day for the power of God to rest on me, knowing that His grace is ALWAYS sufficient!

Lots of people ask how I am, most don't really wait around long enough for the real answer. They get the forced smile and "fine" that I have become so accustomed to giving. There are people though who are brave enough to say "How are you Kristy?" and when I give the smile and the standard issue "fine" they say, "Ok, but how are you REALLY?" They know. They want to know. They want to share in my pain and help me carry my burden. I am so very thankful for those people.

I know I am loved, I know I have more support than any person deserves and I am in no way complaining. God has brought all of the right people to me at just the right times and I have been lifted to new heights when I don't even think that it is possible to stand. I also know that suffering makes people uncomfortable. There is often an awkward silence that follows my truthful answer. No one knows what to say and there is nothing that will make anything any less excruciatingly painful. Bottom line. It is what it is.

People often say that time heals all wounds. I beg to differ. This is a wound that will never heal. The searing loss of my precious sons is something I will NEVER heal from. There will always be a big gaping wound that no stitch or bandage can close. What I am learning though is that even though this pain will never go away, each day God makes me just a little stronger. I am constantly reminded that I must lean on him and on the days that I struggle to even get out of bed he reminds me of how blessed I am. He brings friends who check on us even six months later, or drop off a dinner or gift card just because. It makes my heart smile just to know people still remember. My boys are not forgotten, our pain is not forgotten.

The road is tough and if you ask how I am honestly doing, all I can say is that I take it day by day and sometimes moment by moment. there are still tears every day, I still have tough conversations with God every day, it still hurts and I still have a hard time going out in public most times. I am trying, and am trusting in God and his infinite wisdom. The truth is I have no idea why he chose us for this journey. I have no idea why he has brought suffering into my life so many times, but I am also coming to realize that if I worshipped a God who's plan my simple mind could fully comprehend, he would not nearly be the God I do serve. The God that is so much bigger than anything I can even imagine. The God that is so deserving of every ounce of my worship and praise. The God who pours his love, grace, and mercy upon his children in abundance even though not one of us deserve it. So I will just have to accept that my mind is not capable of understanding his plan from where I stand. I have a limited view.

So I still hurt. I have a heavy load to carry, but God increases my strength daily. I have hope. I grieve, but I have hope. I know that God loves me and is going to do great things in my life. He has blessed me with the most amazing husband anyone could dream of and four of the most precious boys I have ever had the privilege to lay eyes upon. I am forever broken, but equally blessed. That is how I am doing!

11 comments:

Audre said...

Isn't our God amazing? God has shown me your strength and said to me "You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you." Thank you for sharing this amazing journey so that God can, does and will show HIS glory through your story.

Thank you

Shannon said...

My dear Kristy,

Today's been 'one of the days' for me and it's just 12:45. When I think of tackling the rest of the day without tears and complaining, that alone is exhausting. Thank you for putting yourself out there. I don't feel so alone in all I feel. Thank you for being transparent. Just reading your title has 'put me in my place', so to speak. As Emily said the other day...God is good all the time. It's just hard to focus on this sometimes in the middle of the toughness.

I love you my friend. Praying for you always.

Shannon

Melanie said...

Beautiful...

Laurie said...

Dear Kristy,

God loves you and HE IS doing great things through you right now, moment by moment. I love you and I love your honest heart. This is the answer I would expect to hear if I were to ask you how you are. I pray for you to feel renewed strength each day you wake to the pain and the blessing. I don't understand all of this either but I stand with you and pray for you to find peace in it. Grace is getting you through and I still carry a small part of your burden with me. All of the pictures of Lukes birthday are so precious. He looked so happy!!!
Take care and have a wonderful day today.

Love and Hugs, Laurie in Ca.

The Whalen Family said...

All, I can say is you are such a beautiful person Kristy and I thank you so much for sharing how you feel and being so honest. I woke up today thinking about our neice today. She'd be 20 months old today and it just hurt. But, for some reason it helped me to talk to my sister-in-law about it and I looked at her picture and just smiled. I have to remind myself that God has a reason for everything that He does. We may not understand but, sometimes that's the beauty of it, not knowing. Stay strong and do what is best for you to remember your beautiful sons!

God bless you!!

*Tiffany!*

The VW's said...

What an awesome verse to meditate on! Your thoughts on having a "limited view" of God's plan really made me think and to remember once again that He does have a plan! I need to try to stay focused on this fact when I'm struggling with my worries of the future! Thanks for the reminder! God Bless You!!!

Lissa Lane said...

>I am forever broken, but equally blessed. That is how I am doing! <

Amen. Amen. Amen

So Blessed said...

Your faithfulness to see your blessings even in your brokeness is a powerful testimony...

My prayer for you is that as He strengthens you and gives you hope that He will continue to pour out His blessings on your sweet family.

He who promises is faithful...

zanesmommy said...

I so understand exactly what you said. How true it is. I wish it were different, but that is not what God had planned. I often ask why, knowing that I will not know until I am in Heaven. Then, I may not even realize that I had wanted the answer. But the ability to get through the day is all I can pray for. I will pray that God continues to bless you and your family.

Corie said...

Incredible post! So honest, so real. I think that that this trial has not only proven my faith, but my friendships as well! So many are uncomfortable with tears and grief. Would rather hear we are doing great, but God is glorified in honesty also. You are doing great. Forget the time thing...I agree with you. It just hurts different as we continue on this journey. Think of you often

Melissa Dovel said...

Kristy,

I love that your write from your heart. I pray and encourage you to get your self out more and more. That's what the enemy wants from us is to be isolated. Your testimony is amazing. Your ability to comfort others who have come after (and even before) you, is AMAZING! You are stronger than you think- you should never hesitate to tell anyone about your boys who have gone to heaven. If they feel ackward (so what) they wont when they walk away from you and it will soften their hearts for the Lord. You know im one of your biggest fans- I am blessed to have followed your journey. Know that I pray for you every day and that you inherit His strength on the days that you feel like you cant go any further.

Your friend,
Melissa