But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.2 Corinthians 12:8-10
This has become one of my VERY favorite verses. The truth resonates with me beyond words. I pray each day for the power of God to rest on me, knowing that His grace is ALWAYS sufficient!
Lots of people ask how I am, most don't really wait around long enough for the real answer. They get the forced smile and "fine" that I have become so accustomed to giving. There are people though who are brave enough to say "How are you Kristy?" and when I give the smile and the standard issue "fine" they say, "Ok, but how are you REALLY?" They know. They want to know. They want to share in my pain and help me carry my burden. I am so very thankful for those people.
I know I am loved, I know I have more support than any person deserves and I am in no way complaining. God has brought all of the right people to me at just the right times and I have been lifted to new heights when I don't even think that it is possible to stand. I also know that suffering makes people uncomfortable. There is often an awkward silence that follows my truthful answer. No one knows what to say and there is nothing that will make anything any less excruciatingly painful. Bottom line. It is what it is.
People often say that time heals all wounds. I beg to differ. This is a wound that will never heal. The searing loss of my precious sons is something I will NEVER heal from. There will always be a big gaping wound that no stitch or bandage can close. What I am learning though is that even though this pain will never go away, each day God makes me just a little stronger. I am constantly reminded that I must lean on him and on the days that I struggle to even get out of bed he reminds me of how blessed I am. He brings friends who check on us even six months later, or drop off a dinner or gift card just because. It makes my heart smile just to know people still remember. My boys are not forgotten, our pain is not forgotten.
The road is tough and if you ask how I am honestly doing, all I can say is that I take it day by day and sometimes moment by moment. there are still tears every day, I still have tough conversations with God every day, it still hurts and I still have a hard time going out in public most times. I am trying, and am trusting in God and his infinite wisdom. The truth is I have no idea why he chose us for this journey. I have no idea why he has brought suffering into my life so many times, but I am also coming to realize that if I worshipped a God who's plan my simple mind could fully comprehend, he would not nearly be the God I do serve. The God that is so much bigger than anything I can even imagine. The God that is so deserving of every ounce of my worship and praise. The God who pours his love, grace, and mercy upon his children in abundance even though not one of us deserve it. So I will just have to accept that my mind is not capable of understanding his plan from where I stand. I have a limited view.
So I still hurt. I have a heavy load to carry, but God increases my strength daily. I have hope. I grieve, but I have hope. I know that God loves me and is going to do great things in my life. He has blessed me with the most amazing husband anyone could dream of and four of the most precious boys I have ever had the privilege to lay eyes upon. I am forever broken, but equally blessed. That is how I am doing!