Sunday, August 17, 2008

Kristy The Outcast

First I want to thank all of those who have come along side of me in the past difficult week to provide love, encouragement and prayer. I am so blessed to have such an army petitioning our great God on my behalf.

Grief is such a tough thing. There are no words to adequately describe it as it is so very different from person to person. While in the midst of grief it feels like we are completely alone and though many people love and comfort us, no one truly understands our exact feelings, or exactly what the person who died meant to us. Even those who have endured similar losses, get it on a level most don't but still have varying ways of moving through their own grief.

Grief is such a personal thing. It is completely different for each person and I guess that is another thing that is driving me crazy! I want a formula, a 12 step program or something. I do well with that...it involves planning and knowing what is ahead. Grief is just not like that and now that I think of it, neither is faith. You make progress steadily for a period of time only to be thrown backwards having the wind knocked right back out of you. It is okay to get knocked back, we just have to continue trudging on even if we don't like it (and right now I don't). God will reward perseverance or so I am told :-).

It has been amazing to have so many other moms come along side me and share their own journey with me. It certainly makes things seem so much less lonely. It makes me feel a little less crazy when I confess some of my crazy quirks only to hear "Oh my goodness, I do that too!" I am thankful that God has provided me with such a wonderful blog family in addition to my family an friends close by to pray for me when I can no longer pray for myself. Please know I read each and every comment and email and I try to respond to each email I get.

For the past few years I have really struggled with fitting in. I often feel alone even in a group of people because I never feel like I quite fit. Kind of like a square peg in a round hole ALL the time. I have shared these feelings with a few of you. I feel misunderstood by everyone, I feel like I can never quite convey what I mean to. I am kind of young to be so old and I guess that is part of it. I am still in my twenties (barely) and many of my friends my age have not even had children, much less had four or lost one. I find myself frustrated that no one understands the depths of my pain, not that I would even want them to, and no one knows the beauty Isaac and Asher brought into my life, I mean some people can understand largely, but it is such a personal thing, only I know what they REALLY meant to my life and I try hard to convey it here but always feel I fall short.

I have been going to God with these feelings because after confessing my fear of not fitting in while in Atlanta my sweet friend Emily so kindly pointed out that those feelings were not coming from God, so "Where were they coming from?".

This is the Psalm I feel that God has given me to meditate on and it has really helped me to spend some time here today as those ugly feelings began to take over my heart.

It is Psalm 139 it is my new favorite...I have always loved verse 13 but the whole thing just rocks.

Oh Lord, You have searched me and known me, You know my sitting down and my rising up; You understand my thought afar off. You comprehend my path and my lying down, and are acquainted with all my ways. For there is not a word on my tongue, but behold, O Lord, You know it alltogether.

This is just verses 1-4 and really the entire Psalm is amazing.

The author of this Psalm obviously also feels misunderstood, but he knows there is One who does understand. It is God. The author feels all alone yet he knows his God is right there with him each and every step of the way. It is just another example of feelings not matching the truth. Often we feel all of these things, but we are NEVER alone, God always understands. Feelings do not equal reality.

I have had some REALLY rough days lately. Days where I feel alone and days when I feel like I am about to be consumed by my grief, but each day God gives me the grace to keep my head above water, even almost 6 months out he brings people to help carry me in whatever way they can. He is the light in my complete darkness and I am so grateful. My heart breaks tonight for those who grieve without that hope. Without knowing they can cling to their Heavenly Father and that he alone can provide peace and comfort that can be found NO where else. No person or thing will ever fill that void. God is it. Things are still tough. I am still clinging with every ounce of strength I can muster but I will not be moved. So I guess even if I never fit in anywhere else on this earth, I always have a place I fit perfectly in my Father's hand.

18 comments:

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Dear Kristy,
You are not an outcast. You are perfect, you are precious and God is so proud of you. Proud of you for choosing to praise Him and continue to have faith in Him even though you have had to give two of your boys over to Him. Those hard days, weeks, even hours are gonna, I think always be there. But...it's how you choose to handle them and you are fighting sweet sister. You are fighting the good fight and your are winning. You are a blessing to so many of us even when you are struggling you are a blessing and an inspiration.
I hope you know how much you mean. How much your boys (all 4 of them) mean. God must really love you for blessing you with those 4 boys. And I love you too. I will keep praying for you as you continue to find your way in this grief journey. You are doing it!
Love you!
Kim

Suzie said...

Dont have any words of wisdom for you tonight...not that I ever do... all I can offer is my thoughts and prayers for you my dear friend. Grief is a horrible thing. Please know that I am here for you, and I know it isnt much, but a shoulder sometimes can mean so much. I love ya!
suz

Kenzie said...

Kristy-

I love you so much. I know you fight each day to be exactly who God is calling you to be... I think many of us are there... but you are doing an amazing job! I think you are just perfect and the time we shared was such a blessing to me- you amaze me, you make me laugh, your face reminds me that God's mercies are new every morning and it is only through HIM that we have the strength to rise again.

You are awesome and I think you fit just perfect... My life wouldn't be the same without the blessing of you!

Love you and praying!
Kenz

M said...

I joined my family this weekend at a place to 'retreat' in the country. The silence sitting on the big porch was something I don't hear as much as I like living in the city. So as I sat, telling the Lord of my gratitude and concerns of my world... you came to mind. So I prayed for you. Again. I appreciate your honesty and the way you allow others who can't understand your specific pain... to learn from you and all that God is showing you. Now that I am back, I read of your hard week and I am so sorry. I am honored to know your name and lift it up to our Lord and Savior. Thank you for sharing.

Love, Michelle

Melissa Dovel said...

Kristy,
I dont think anyone can understand anyones grief for any loss. One thing I can relate with you on is how much we mommies love our children. God made us like no other to have the bond that we do with our children. I know that because of you and your journey I have looked at my children differently- I have always thanked the Lord for them, but now I try to breath in and love each and every age that they are. I have and im sure many others have too- wept tears for the loss that you have experienced for having to let go and trust that the Lord will carry you. I read that you feel out of place or that you feel like you never quite fit in..... the funny part to me is that I know you only in blog land but this 30 something (barely:) mom has from the start felt like you fit perfectly inside my heart. It was never about finding your blog and feeling sorry for what you were going through. It was led of the Lord and I instantly felt a bond and that I was to pray for you. I pray as you continue on your path that thoughts of your boys here on earth bring them closer to you. Your boys ALL 4 of them are oh so precious and perfect. I pray all the time for God to pour his peace all over you so that those unbearable moments are covered with His sweet presence. You are climbing up and out of the valley. Keep reading your psalm and let it speak to you. Sending you my hugs. You do fit and I call you my friend! I tell folks about your boys all 4 of them quite a bit. I have a lady at my church who lost her son to a heart condition he never left the NICU for his 6mo. of life. She asks me all the time hows your online friend doing? So see you fit more perfectly than you even knew. OK ill stop for now just know that I love you my dear fellow mommy. Praying for God to continue to speak truth to you and for fear and lies to go back where they belong:)

Sorry for the book!
In His Love,
Melissa

milehighmom said...

Praying for you as you continue to find your way along the path of grieving. May you be encouraged daily in your walk with HIM, that you are a perfect child of God, and you do indeed fit right where He has placed you, in this day and this moment. We may not know each other but I pray I may encourage you in some way because you have encouraged me greatly! Blessings to you! -Melissa

asplashofsunshine said...

I sit here not knowing what in the world to say to a perfect stranger. I not only do not know you, but I will probably never experience what you have in life. Having said that, I hope you know how many prayers and thoughts are swirling around the world for you, your husband, and all four beautiful boys. My random comment is probably just that, a random comment. BUT I hope you can get a glimmer of comfort in this moment. Take care of yourself.

Melanie said...

19 I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall.
20 I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me.
21 Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
22 Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed.

Melanie said...

ooops...the Scripture is from Lamentations 3. I meant to include that. MELANIE

petebon5 said...

kristy, you are not an outcast. you have changed my life. you have been there to carry me and you don't even know it. your family is just precious. your boys have changed my life forever and gave me trust strength faith in the lord, (being that i myself am an infant in my life with Christ). i think that right now are hurting so deeply and needing people to carry you. that my friend, is why i am writing this today. i along with your friends are carrying you and getting you through this valley. you are not misunderstood. you are a true friend. like kim says you are fighting a good fight. god loves you and each of your boys. keep on fighting and don't let satan get a hold of anything my dear.

Stacy said...

Kristy-I understand your pain well...and a lot of what you voiced..I feel as well. Last week was a hard week. I can relate to each of your words. Thank you for your honesty.

Just continue seeking Him. Satan wants you to think you are an outcast...you aren't! You are precious in God's sight. You are HIS child. You are bathed in His love and His embrace.

We all walk through our grief differently...I think, because God knows us so intimately and has something unique and special for each one of His children. He has something so special for you. He will bring you through this grief. It will get easier. It will. Keep clinging to His truths.

I am praising God that He has surrounded you these women whom you got to meet at the Deeper Still conference. They are each such a sweet and beautiful gift from God.

I will continue praying for you as you walk through each day.

"But those who wait on the Lord, shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint." Isaiah 40:31

You will make it up the mountain and out of the valley!

In Christ's love and amazing grace-
Stacy

Lissa Lane said...

I completely understand bad bad days. As you probably read from my own blog. Something that comforts me slightly is the fact that God also lost a child. To know that he is sitting next to me at night as I sob my eyes out and hold the blanket that my dieing daughter was wrapped in and HE cries for ME. What an amazing beautiful thought.

I also feel like an outcast. I'm 23, I have 2 living children with special needs, 3 m/c, and 1 Baby in Glory. I am also not able to have anymore children. I feel so old compared to these naive worry-less people that are my peers.

I've been told by other Christian's who've not experienced the loss of a child that I should be ok now because she's in a better place. But in the words of the group Mercy Me

'You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
'

The Whalen Family said...

I have grown to love you so much just through reading your blog Kristy! You are such a beautiful person inside and out.

andreawilliams said...

I wish that I had something profound to day, but I don't. I wish that I could heal your heart. You are an inspiration to so many of us. Thank you for sharing you rfeelings so honestly. Know that you are loved by people who you have never even met!

Becky said...

I too know what it is like to feel like they do not fit in. Not for the same reasons as you though. I grew up as a third culture kid and when we came back so I could finish school at age 16, my life became very different. Gone was the diversity that I experienced in a city outside of the USA. Instead I was thrust into a small town. I missed the ocean, the mountains, the smells and the language. Most of all I missed my church.

I am so thankful for those years. I have learned to care about others. I have learned to appreciate other cultures. I have learned to accept people like me. People like you. People that just don't seem to fit in. Souls that have been laid upon my heart and that I hope to love to Him.

So Blessed said...

Sweet Kristy,
I read an article today about Steven Curtis Chapman's family and it spoke of grieveing with hope...I think you are doing that beautifully. I am sorry that you you have this pain and at the same time I am thankful that God continues to pour out His hope into your heart. You, dear one, are made in your Father's image and are beautiful and perfect...any thoughts otherwise are only attempts of the enemy to discourage you. How right you are that you fit perfectly into His hand...and that you can't be snatched from it...what a wonderful, reassuring promise!Please know that I will be lifting you in prayer even more often than normal.

Love,
Susie

Jill said...

Kristy,

I'm so glad you have been clinging to Psalm 139 - allow His truths to soothe the places in you have listened to the hurts of this world. Allow His heart and love for you to remind you how very special you are to Him. How very special you are to your sons and husband. How very special you are to us - the ones who pray for you and believe in you right now, today!

Praying today is a better day andyour heart is rejoicing in His love for you. There is no greater place to be than in the palm of His hand or sitting on His lap as the tears fall!

Lots of love,
Jill

Anonymous said...

Kristy,
I read this post several days ago and just really didn't know what to say. So I prayed. I've come back to your post several times trying to think of something to say to encourage you.

Ephesians 2:18-20
For through him we both have access by one Spirit unto the Father.

Now therefore ye are no more strangers and foreigners, but fellowcitizens with the saints, and of the household of God;

And are built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Jesus Christ himself being the chief corner stone

See, all believers are strangers in this world. To some degree I would guess that we all could make a case that we don't "fit." I could bore you with how I feel like an outcast many times. But we aren't, not really. We are "heirs with the Saints of Light" (Col. 1:12) Our hearts will always long for Heaven. You have faced overwhelming loss; I can't even imagine. A mother's heart breaks just even trying to imagine. But what I do know is that God is on His Throne and Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end," still is true today. He will give you HOPE and a FUTURE.

Just know you are loved, you are prayed for, and God is using your testimony.

Karen in TN