Monday, August 25, 2008

Hope In MANY Forms...

Be strong and take heart, all you who hope in the LORD.Psalm 31:23-24

I want you all to know that last night I slept great! I used many of the verses you provided and just kept my mind focused on my God, putting on His full armor as my mind drifted to sleep and last night my mind stayed right where it needed to be. I even woke up once around 3 and just kept repeating verses so that that fear did not even have a tiny opening. YEA! Praise God!

When we got home from church last night we were surprised to find that our kitchen had been taken over by a colony of ants. We have NEVER had ants before and I have had many people say how bad they are this year, but we had not had any. Well before church we brought in a bountiful harvest from the garden and I believe our veggies provided the vessel that allowed the ants to take up residence in my home, my kitchen nonetheless.

Now, for those of you who know me this is something that would put me over the edge normally. I am a neat FREAK and the idea of critters in my home, much less my kitchen where I make food for my family was enough to make me completely insane (as opposed to moderately insane :-))! So I took a deep breath, googled what to do to get rid of them and I began. I began scalding tomatoes (for a super salsa I made) and preparing veggies to get them put away so the ants would have no reason to enjoy our kitchen. Once I got things put away I sprayed everything down with vinegar which I guess is supposed to get rid of them because it removes their scent or something...then we went to bed.

This morning I woke with kind of a yucky cloud hanging over as today was Howard's first day back to school. He is a Middle School Social Studies teacher. I knew I would have to face the day without him and I was kind of apprehensive. Usually I am so ready for him to go back so I can get back into a routine with the kids, but not this year. He has been here for me to lean on every day this summer. I have never had to be alone. I knew I would miss him!

I read my devotional and got the boys some breakfast. Ben then insisted he was done with diapers today, which for many of you would say WAHOOO! But I was not planning on doing that today! Oh well, potty training begins...needless to say with a little frustration and a few puddles! :-) He is getting it though. Smart kid!

Frustration was peaking around 10 as I needed to get dinner in the crock pot and Ben refused to even put underwear on. They were going along behind me like little tornadoes undoing everything I did. Saved by the bell...the telephone rings and it is my in-laws who, God bless them, wanted to take the boys outside to play and pick berries! Thank you Jesus for grandparents!

I had a moment to breathe so I threw the roast in the crockpot and sat down to check email and this is what I found in the old inbox...

Hi Kenzie, Angie, Yvette, Kim, Kristy, Chrissy, and Emily,

I have been reading each of your blogs for awhile, and have cried and prayed for each of you and your sweet stories. I am so thankful that God was able to lead you all to one another for friendship and support during this season of your lives.

I just wanted to let you know (in case you had not heard yet) that this past weekend at the Beth Moore conference in San Antonio, TX, Beth brought up your group from the Deeper Still conference! (It was cool sitting in the audience, feeling totally in the "the know" when she brought you up.) She sounded utterly amazed at your strength and the work God was doing in and through you. I sat there and thought to myself how awesome that must be for each of you.

So many of us are deeply touched by Beth Moore and her amazing teaching gift, and yet SHE was touched by YOU. So, not only have each of your stories helped and encouraged so many ladies over the blogosphere- reminding us to hug our little ones a little tighter, pray a little harder, and realize that we CAN do all things through HIM who gives us strength- but, your children's legacies are continuing to live on, as people, like Beth, remember your story and use it as an example of God being glorified through hard times.

I continue to read each of your blogs and I still pray for your sweet hearts. I cannot imagine anything more difficult than what you have experienced, and without sounding cheesy, I want you to know that I have been incredible inspired by each of you. May God bless you each richly, and I cannot wait to meet each of your special little ones in heaven.

It was written by a sweet woman from Texas and I sit here typing through tears as I try to get my mind around the hugeness of God. Of what he is doing here in my life. On a day where I had been allowing frustration to get the best of me I was losing sight of what God is doing. Something so much bigger than a colony of ants, a messy house, or a potty training toddler. God is using our family, our brokenness, our sadness. He is working in and through us.

I can rejoice and praise God as I clean up Ben's puddles and wipe away ants because this is not it. This is not the end of the story. God is allowing me to be here to be the mommy Ben and Luke need and he will reunite me with Isaac and Asher some day as well. Right now they have the best caregiver possible. I guess what I am saying is that as I sit here today, still broken, still sad, arms still aching for my boys, there is a joy in my heart. A joy in knowing God has this. He loves us and will bring all of this around for our good. A joy in knowing that my boys are NOT forgotten. They were created in His image for an amazing purpose and they are living on! My heart today is filled with joy and hope and Melody, I thank you for sharing!

God continues to provide everything I need. He sends his grace and hope in ways I could never have imagined, whether verses from blessed blog friends, wonderful grandparents or a sweet email from Texas. God is good my friends and he is at work and I am super excited to see what the next page of the story brings!

But as for me, I will always have hope; I will praise you more and more.Psalm 71:13-15

(Is that not the coolest verse EVER?!) With God I will always have hope! I will praise Him more and more!

12 comments:

Lissa Lane said...

I'm so glad and thankful to God that you were able to get to sleep. I've suffered crippling anxiety since I was 8 years old. As you can imagine since loosing my peanut it's become 1000xs worse.

Right now my sleep schedule is so messed up because a few weeks ago I just couldn't calm down enough to sleep. It is a very very vicious cycle and I've also written down many helpful verses.

I am glad that you were able to sleep and that your readers helped you.

god Bless

Emily said...

As I sit here OVERWHELMED, this is what I needed to hear. And I'm so thankful that God gave me a few free moments to read it.

M said...

WoW! You ladies are so wonderful! I assure you, you have many reading this blog that you inspire daily. Praise God for a rested and calm night for you. Thinking of you and praying for you today as your husband is back at work.

Michelle

Jill said...

Kristy,

God bless you for being so brave! For desiring to be used! To share your pain, joy and sorrow with everyone who stops by your blog!

God bless you for not letting fear or the enemy win! Praise God for you knowing who you belong!

I'm so honored and humbled to be a part of your life even in a small way - praying along side of you as you grow in His truths and love!

Your story has touched many lives, along with your sweet friends who have all blessed me too! God does NOTHING in vain and this will bring honor and glory to His Holy Name! Thank you for sharing that email - it blessed me too!

With great praise that you found rest for your weariness in Him and His truths last night. I will continue to pray that He lulls you to sleep each night and brings forth much light around you!

Love,
Jill

The Whalen Family said...

God is so good!

Melody said...

God is using you, your family, and your precious boys. He is working in and through you. And He is going to continue to provide His hope, grace, mercy, and love to you forever. What a mighty God we serve!

Praying for your sweet heart.

Mae said...

I just stumbled across your blog yesterday. And I stayed up way too late last night reading.
And today's post just showed that it wasn't a mistake.
God Bless you and your family, as well as the families of other moms who have had to go through the loss of a little one.

Jill said...

Oh - I forgot to mention our son Joshua (2.5) decided on Friday no more diapers and it is time for big boy potty pants. LOL! He is really doing incredible and only had two small accidents in three days. We are SO proud of him.

I have shared about fear a few times on my blog and want you to know that God is using it again in a different form with me now too - to speak to my need to let go of control in every area, not just the places I feel safe to let go! God is using the fear to show me His faithfulness and love for me. He is using it to speak to my heart and bring forth the darkness I have tried to hide from Him and myself. He is using it to let His light shine through my brokeness and work in my life for His glory.

All we have to do is choose to let Him in and do His work. No work for us but to abide and trust in His love! His plan is perfect, holy and good!

Lots of love,
Jill

Jennifer said...

Kristy-I have been following your blog for several months now, after I found it through another blog. I check on you and others in your group every few days....it is strange how you can become so connected to people you don't even know or haven't even spoken too. Your story has brought much encouragement to me. Although I have never lost a child as you have, I feel like I have much in common with you just being a wife and mother. Your faith in our Lord through such trial in your life is an inspiration to me each day. May God richly bless you as you put all of your trust in Him.

Devon Rene said...

that is such a beautiful email...thank you for sharing!

and that verse, wow. i love it.

Melissa Dovel said...

Kristy,

I am so happy to hear that you slept well. I will continue to pray for your sleep. How exciting that when you need it most you get an email that allows you to soar! Your boys are shared more than you could ever know. I want to thank you for trusting this portal to share your journey. If I had not known of your feelings- I could not have approached and prayed for many others who have lost a child. I think your amazing, and I praise the Lord for leading me to pray for you. I speek more and more victory as you continue on with your walk in Christ.

Blessings my sweet friend,
Melissa

So Blessed said...

I'm so thankful you got precious sleep...and I'm thankful for the precious testimony of your life.

The words to a favorite song come to my mind:

Through It All
Words and music by Andrae Crouch

I've had many tears and sorrows
I've had questions for tomorrow
There've been times I didn't know right from wrong
But in every situation
God gave blessed consolation
That my trials only come to make me strong

I've been a lot of places
And I've seen so many faces
But there've been times I've felt so all alone
But in that lonely hour
In that precious, lonely hour
Jesus let me know I was His own

Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus
I've learned to trust in God
Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to depend upon His Word

So I thank God for the mountains
And I thank Him for the valleys
I thank Him for the storms He's brought me through
Cause if I never had a problem
I wouldn't know that He could solve them
I wouldn't know what faith in His Word could do

Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to trust in Jesus
I've learned to trust in God
Through it all
Through it all
I've learned to depend upon His Word
Yes, I've learned to depend upon His Word
I've learned to depend upon His Word

Keep depending on His word, sweet Kristy...He will never let you down.

Love,
Susie