Saturday, August 2, 2008

What??? God??? Is that you? .....FINALLY!

I have shared before that I have had faith for quite sometime, but it wasn't until my twenties that I gave my life to Christ and learned that our purpose in life consisted of more than just being a good person and avoiding the MAJOR sins and showing up at church. In the grand scheme of life I am still very young in my relationship with God as it just began seven years ago. In the past seven years I have like most others had times of extreme closeness with God and also times where I really wonder if he is even there at all. I always come back to the answer that He of course is.

I have prayed, studied the Bible, done devotionals, gone to church, served, worshipped and all of the things that seem to fit into the formula of being a good Christian. I have talked to women that have said that God tells them things. This was not something I had experience with. I have always been really curious about this, yet extremely skeptical. It seemed weird, I mean how could he do that and what would he sound like?

I had come to the conclusion that I am sure he truly does speak to people, just NOT me. I mean what could God have to say to me? Of all of the people on this earth, why would he take the time to speak to me? No, I had never heard God so he must reserve his words for special people, people who are doing great work for His Kingdom. Not ordinary me.

In the past few months I have been PLEADING with God to make an exception. Just once. Just give me a word, something to go on, something to cling to. All I have been given is "Be Still", I have literally seen it on billboards, in songs, several places in my devotional and in several other encounters, that is all he has given me...

That is until just recently when I actually began to take Him at His word. I have never been a person who is comfortable just sitting with her own thoughts. Often times that leads me to tough places, places I would just as soon avoid. Finally in the last week or so I have forced myself to buckle down, in a desperate search for some form of hope.

In all honesty it has been a terribly uncomfortable week for me emotionally, I have forced myself to be still and deal with things I have been pushing aside for some time in an attempt to just return to normalcy as quickly as possible. I can honestly say that this week, I have stilled my heart, my mind and my body in an attempt at actually hearing God, and guess what, He has spoken...

It wasn't the way I had imagined, (you know Morgan Freeman popping up in a white suit somewhere) but it was as clear as could be. I had been torn about a few things lately and I was really struggling. One of those things was sending Luke to preschool and the other was growing our family. I have shared with all of you in previous posts my battle with those two situations.

I was praying a few days ago and I was praying specifically for my children and for any children God may bless us with and that was when I heard WHY??? it just kept repeating in my head. I remember shaking my head thinking ok, so now I am hearing voices in my head?? Then it was like I had this epiphany. Why was I wrestling with these things if I knew in my heart what I was to do? God was already telling me what to do. That was when I had to force myself to answer the question.

I have always been a people pleaser. I desperately care what other think of me and I seldom feel as though I fit in in any given situation. It is one of those strongholds that I have been battling for years and years. I want to appear to have it all together, to be a good mom, a good wife, a good Christian. The thing is, when we do things for appearances they are just that, superficial. I have had a really superficial relationship with God in the past and I am so sick of it, I am thirsting for more.

The cold hard truth is that I knew I wasn't to send Luke to preschool, but I worried about what others would say when they found out I wasn't sending him. "Oh she's gone off the deep end, she lost two sons and now she is never going to let the others out of the nest." or "Now she has become one of them, one of those overprotective Christian mothers who wants to shield her son from the world." It was like God was shaking me saying, "Kristy, look at your answer, just look at it." I did and I have to admit, I was ashamed with the reasons I gave.

When it comes to having more children I have this desire that is unexplainable to have more children and God was asking me WHY on earth I would question Him now. The cold hard truth here is that I am afraid of what people will think. I have already been told that I better not dare put my family through the heartache of losing a child again, I have no right to put a child or myself through any of this again. As I type this I am certain that my fear is not of living this journey again, I KNOW without a doubt if another special baby is what the Lord gives, then He will certainly give me the grace to get through, He always does, my fear lies in the idea that we would lose our support because people would think we are "asking for it".

God has really been dealing with me lately and as I have really done some listening and being still and this is what God has given me. I am certain he shared this truth with me this weekend. It is this: Life is but a moment and we can do what other people want us to do and live a life of obligation or we can do what we want to do, and if we in fact are living a life with a firm relationship with our Heavenly Father he will mold and shape our wants and desires to His will. This will be a life of true joy because any life lived to glorify god in accordance to His will could be nothing less.

My prayer tonight as I type is that God would continue to mold and shape my desires, not for me, but for his glory. Whatever that is, I pray that I will remain still and listening for his whisper. I pray that he will continue to be the guiding light in my life and in the life of my family and I am confident that where ever he leads his grace is sure to follow! It is always there and it is always sufficient! I KNOW what I need to do, I need to stop worrying about what others think and just focus on the only One who matters.

I am more at peace right now than I have been in sometime and I am convinced it is because God has spoken to ME! Ordinary me! He loves me! He has asked me to just give it all to him and stop listening to what everyone else says and feels, that is not a life that will lead to joy or give glory to God. He practically yelled at me "STOP!" He gave me this verse to solidify our conversation.

He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your fathers had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the LORD. Deuteronomy 8:2-4

May we all depend on God's word to satisfy our every hunger and every thirst.

28 comments:

TNKerry said...

What an awesome feeling. To feel God speak to you and to trust what you have heard. Trust your heart.
One day I will share my story on my blog, but I also felt God speak to me and it is for that reason that I went through with my desire to adopt my little girl.

zanesmommy said...

Kristy,
Thank you so much for this post. It came on a day that I needed it. God is so good that he sends us to these places where he can talk to us, even via that computer. I have been struggling with the same things and face the same reasons why I do what I do. My greatest struggle right now is going to see my best friend. We have not seen each other for a year and in that year she has lost two baby boys and I one. It is just one more bond that we share that I wish we didn't. And I am so sick of crying at times that I don't want to see her. Plus, after the talk that we had today, I know that she is needed help and is pushing it all away.
We will continue to pray for you and God's leading.

Lindsay said...

You really have no idea how much this post has "spoken" to my heart. I've been really struggling with the decision to have a larger family and the option of home-schooling...something I'd NEVER thought I would be interested in doing three years ago. But the thoughts ran through my head as they did yours - what will others think? Who will be there to help me if we have a 3rd b/c I know I'll end up in the hospital twice if the previous two are any indication of how things go. And then there's the fact that I have two autistic nephews and my mom says "what if?" Well guess what, my mom's not a believer and I am, and I know that with His help, I can do anything He wants to give/not give me. You are SO right when you say that is superficial. God knows the desires of our hearts and choses to grant them or not - and whatever He choses, He will provide the support we NEED along the way. I praise Him that you got your answers for your two questions! I seriously need to schedule some alone time with Him - cause you and I both know that with two kids running around, you have to schedule if anything is going to get done at all.

In His Grace ~
Lindsay

Stacy said...

Kristy-I can so relate to all that you said! We have walked some similar roads. During our 5th son's c-section, my uterus had a window in it...they saw my son before they did the cut. My ob told us if we had another child, I would be at a huge risk of rupturing my uterus. He strongly told us to get my tubes tied during that c-section. I couldn't. My husband and I didn't have peace right then. Well long story...but we went on to have our 6th child, Faith Elizabeth by c-section. My family thought we were being selfish, my husband's family actually sat us down and told us we were thinking irrationally....trusting God over doctors...what was seen. People all around us questioned our motives and our actions. We continued to tell them we were following God.

We walked in Faith and trusted God leading us. I was scared during that pregnancy, but kept going back to the truth of God's word and what He had spoken in my heart and that of my husband. That He desired another child for us. I, too, am a people pleaser and God has done such a work in me in getting me to see that all I need to worry about is pleasing Him. He takes care of the rest.

Just keep laying down the fears and the questions..He is so faithful and will speak to you His will and He will strengthen you as you walk in His will. The blessings of being in His will are so much better than anything this world can offer!

Oh, I will pray for you that you will hear clearly all that He speaks to you and that He will give you peace in each decision.

In Christ-Stacy

The Pittsburgh Hites said...

I am more happy right now than you will ever know. I know how hard you have been struggling, and I've prayed so hard just for you to find this peace!!
Let me just tell you my friend, you underestimate us, your friends. You are so loved, and i could not imagine any of us thinking less of you for wanting another baby. You are a fantastic mother, and i am envious actually that Luke gets to stay home with you another year! Maggie is just so headstrong and does not do well with just me. She thrives with her teachers and other kids to be with. I am really having a hard time with her being gone all day, and if i could(without her going crazy) keep her home this year, i would!!
By the way, thank you for spending most of the day with us yesterday, it was great getting to spend time with all of you!! Maggie was exhausted last night, but talked about it all day today!!! Anytime you all want to get away, we're just a call away!!
Love, Ginger

Angie said...

Kristy,

you are so awesome. it takes a lot of courage to do what you did this week, and i am so thrilled that God spoke to your heart, clearly and undeniably, on the two major things you had lifted up to Him. Praise Jesus!

Love, Angie

Melanie said...

Well said Kristy!! I am reminded about the story of Elijah...he didn't hear God's voice in the wind or rain or thunder, but in a still small voice. Oh that I would learn to listen to the quiet more often.
I know what it's like to hear God's speak to you, and there's no way to explain it, except to say it comes with a PEACE.
Peace to you this day!! Love, MELANIE

heather said...

i too echo all the other have said. it's so frustrating how we let what other people "might" think change our lives. :( i homeschooled my son last year but three months before the end of the year put him into school. he is a special needs kid (not bad.. but difficult things) and i just couldn't do it. i felt like the christian mother who was failing her kids. the one with the big family who didn't fit the mold. it was hard for me. and i spent way too much emotional energy on it.

i get too the worry about people thinking you're asking for it. i don't understand why people get involved in our family planning, but sadly, many do. we have 4 and want more and you can't believe what people say when they hear that.

i am thrilled that you are able to hear his voice, and are focused on him. i know these things are scary, but with the peace of knowing it's what God is asking of you you'll be able to rest.
praise God for your answered prayer!!
-heather

Anonymous said...

I am so proud of you for following your heart! If you and your husband desire more children, you should have them!! May God bless you all!! Marcie, Ohio

Jill said...

Dear Sweet Kristy!

Praise GOD! I'm so happy for you and wish I could give you a big HUG!

God wants to speak to everyone - not an elect or special people. I took lots of time with Him for me to get that too. I had to go through many trials on my own and in my own strenght before I allowed myself to be still and quiet to hear His voice. Even now - maybe especially now I need to STOP so that I can hear Him speaking. My life is a bit busy with seven soon to be eight children all under 7!

Kristy, God does love you. He loves all of us. He loves those who don't know Him too. His love endures forever and never fades, changes or goes away!

Oh sweet friend - I'm so happy He walked you through this so you could know deep where it counts the only one you need to bring honor and glory to is Him. The one that knows you by name, knitted you together in your mother's womb and loves you more than you will ever know. Like you He gave His Son - Jesus so we could all have our spirits reborn and live forever with Him.

It is by Spirit that you will hear Him. It is by your spirit that is alive in you that speaks God the Father!

Be still is what He gave me all last year and even before that when our adoption journeys were getting scary. Be still sweet one - I am here.

Have a blessed day! If you need someone to just listen I am here. Don't let the world dictate who you are in Christ or His calling for your family. Let His soft voice call to you and your husband exactly where He will have you. It will be perfect according to His will.

I want to only be in His will right along with you!

Hugs,
Jill
PS Sorry this was so long but I'm so excited for you and right there with you! Listening and weed pulling!

Joanna said...

I LOVE BREAKTHROUGH!! Most often they happen when we realize all that WE are doing is just not working so we FINELY sit still and say FINE GOD WHAT DO YOU HAVE? I relate with your people pleasing ways. When I finely accepted Gods plan to homeschool I had to literally say it out loud before I could leave my house for fear of what others thought. My goodness! Everyday God would say Are you questioning MY plan or YOUR plan and I realized when I put God in it there was peace when I replaced Him with me there was everything but peace. Being still is almost impossible for me as well but only then do I have His MANIFEST presence! I don't want anything else! In order to get soda out of the fountain we must align our cup under the flow of soda...God is no different! We must align ourselves with His flow, His plan, His Word . . . God is good! This is exciting stuff! Enjoy your time with your son this year! AND even if what you are calling your support abandon you guess who will NEVER leave or forsake you!? Besides, your sisters in Christ will be there to hold you no matter what because we know what God WE serve and in one accord we live!!

Mrs. MK said...

Thank you, God, for answering Kristy's prayer....for leading her and directing her.

Anonymous said...

Kristy,
Hi, I haven't talked with you in awhile because the days of summer are moving fast and we are consumed with them. But, I have been reading your posts and right now, I am filled to overflowing with joy just knowing that the Lord has finally given you some peace about your struggles. People are always willing to give advice and tell you what they think about how you are handling your life, your kids, your choices...but you know what? At the end of the day, no one knows Luke better than you and Howard. No one knows what that little boy needs this year and what your family needs this year better than the two of you. You are both in prayer and this is so much a God thing. I am so excited for your year to come. It's time to stop listening to "the other people" and immerse yourself in this year. A year to be content and be still and a year to make some awesome memories with your family. Again, I am so excited for your discovery, for the Lord sharing His words with you and that you were being still and listening...We need some Luke and Ben time at our house so we'll call you this week and have some fun with them, okay? God bless, becky

Laurie said...

Kristy,

Don't you just love how good God is at getting our attention. He just wanted you to Be Still, no small task is it? But look at how He blessed you by speaking to you on these two hearts desires. I want you to know that I was with you in "Waiting for Happy", am caught up thanks to your heart in Isaac's beautiful story, and am ready to walk along side of you in prayer for whatever else God wants to do through your life. I am here for the long run girl. Creation of babies is Gods gift, we are just the willing vessels to help Him get them here:) Your heart is in such a beautiful place and you bring glory to Him just by being you, honest and true. Don't ever worry about what anyone else thinks, God sure doesn't does He?:) I love you and am praying for the beautiful future He has planned for your family.

Love, Laurie in Ca.

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Amen Sister, Now..I want you to print this out, lamenate it, put it on your mirror and in your car and read it every day, especially on the hard ones. It speaks truth and guess who wrote it?

I am certain he shared this truth with me this weekend. It is this: Life is but a moment and we can do what other people want us to do and live a life of obligation or we can do what we want to do, and if we in fact are living a life with a firm relationship with our Heavenly Father he will mold and shape our wants and desires to His will. This will be a life of true joy because any life lived to glorify god in accordance to His will could be nothing less.

I am praying for your Kristy. You continue to be a blessing!
I love you,
Kim

Kenzie said...

Kristy-

I'm so thankful that you were able to sit and be still and that God clearly spoke to you about two of the BIG things you (and we) have been praying over. I know that He takes His time but I am SO thankful that you feel at peace with all that was spoken to your heart. I love you friend!

Praying,
Kenzie

Cheryl F. said...

Kristy,

I have followed your blog for quite sometime and have often thought I don't know how she does it. I am also a Christian, but I struggle and want my walk with the Lord to be much closer. I believe God will and has given you peace. You know what you can handle. I think we all struggle with outside influence and I am also a people pleaser. That I think makes it more difficult. We are in the process of adoption a baby girl from Vietnam and I had have a lot of not so nice things said to me and not the support I would have desired from my husband either, but I felt like we were being led and I know this was his plan for us and HE knows the plans for you also. Just continue to trust in him and set your eyes on him and dont let the naysayers impact your decision. Your in my prayers.
Cheryl F
www.whattonameher.blogspot.com

Emily said...

OH WOW!!! I can't tell you how excited I am for you... for me... for us!!! :) God is doing something big, isn't He? SO thrilled to walk this road with you. I'm happy to share what I've gathered in the two seconds I've been on this homeschooling path. :) So, so happy for you!!

I miss you & I love you!

Kirsten said...

Kristy,

What an amazing post. The tears flowed from my eyes as I read each word because I can relate to your struggle. My circumstances are different (I'm not making decisions about home schooling) - but the core issue is the same. I feel less alone reading your words.

I often feel more vulnerable than ever in my grief. And the struggle to move through the pain is so uncomfortable. I know God is with us though, He is carrying us through it.

I'm so proud of you and for your courage in being so transparent. Thank you. Your words bless more than you know. God is so faithful - He brings overflowing blessings when we are obedient.

Bless you today,
Kirsten

Sheryl said...

Wow, wow, wow!! Amazing words! Of course God speaks to you Kristy. Sometimes His words just seem "so simple" that we think that can't be God.

I apreciate your honesty and transparency. I guarantee you that you are not alone in making decisions based on what others might think. God will bless you for getting real.

Love ya and still praying,
-Sheryl

Anonymous said...

Hello,
It is so good to read this entry. It sounds like you are on the right path. Continue to follow God. He will lead the way.
AmyK.

Mashel said...

That is a awesome Post Kristy, I will email you since I don't want to write a long, long comment, but I just want you to know that is great.

Laura said...

So beautiful....so proud of you! Good word for me too. Praying for you..sending love!

Devin said...

Kristy,

I just have to share with you what this post has meant for me.

A little while back, Emily posted on leaving her job in favor or homeschooling her daughters. Then Yvette did, on how she meant it "only for a little while" for Tanner--and it turned into one of the greatest things she ever chose for him....and she wrote about how much it has actually blessed HER.

See, I have been struggling with this decision myself. I feel like this is what God is calling me to do too, but I am a people pleaser as well. I am concerned for what people will say (I soooo related to your she's lost one and now she's freaking out comment!) And, you know....God forbid that we, as Christian mothers, actually try to shield our children from some of the horrors of this world.

Goodness, that's our job! :-)

Anyway, I made the decision just this week to keep my oldest, who will be 5 in October, home with me for one more year and not enroll him into preschool. I checked into it thoroughly--the things that he would be learning are things that I have already taught him at home, and he has down pat--his numbers, letters, colors, bible stories...(and we have even gone beyond that) we do all of that already! It was affirmation to me that I have been able, with some guidance from others and the Lord's direction, to start him on the right path in this home-schooling adventure, and for now, we are going to continue down this road!

I don't know yet what Kindergarten is going to bring--we will either put him into Christian school--the same one that I went to for 15 years--, put him in our excellent public school system here in our town, or homeschool him...but I know that for right now, home with me is where the Lord wants Colin to be.

It was just amazing being reaffirmed of my very difficult decsion while reading your post, and I wanted to thank you for your transparency and for sharing! You are doing so many people so much good through this blog--me included!

Cathy said...

You truly seem like His good and faithful servant. Hoping His plans are to bless you even more abundantly. Cathy & Annabel

Just Me said...

Still sending prayers your way.

I like your new blog layout--SO cute! Did you do it yourself?! I've been thinking my blog could use a facelift, but have NO clue how to do that sort of thing...that takes some kind of special talent that I do not have :o)

Take care,
Amanda

Melissa Dovel said...

Kristy,

You have indeed with out a doubt recevied what you have been seeking. I hope that you continue to shead that feeling of fear that none will support you. Thats from the pit of you know where! The only understanding and affirmation you need is of the Lord. I am so proud of you for hearing and following what the Lord is giving to you. So many people that you will probably never meet in person will pray you through this. I pray for perfect peace as you move forward and shead the rest of the world and what they will think. I have wanted to say this for some time and now for some reason it feels fittting to say. The headder on your page with you and your husbands hands on Asher everyone knows its a beautiful picture- There is something special about it at least for me that I feel when I log on and see it- I feel that love that you and your family have for him- sorry if thats strange for me to say or something I should not have said. To me it speaks life and an affirmation of the word you have been given that he WILL bring you exceeding joy.

Your sister in Him,
Melissa

Tanya said...

What a beautiful breakthrough God has blessed you with! The peace is evidence in your post. Continue to press on to the goal Christ has laid before you and put in your earplugs to the "world" :)