Thursday, September 4, 2008

Erradicating Hidden Idols

Grief is so unpredictable. You can be walking along enjoying life and all of the sudden the bottom drops out. I have had a really great few days with the kids. I expected Howard's going back to school to be really tough on all of us and though we miss him it is kind of nice to be back into the swing of things.

This morning the bottom dropped out. It is just one of those days that I just want to go back to bed. I look at my boys and I desperately want to enjoy them because I KNOW what a blessing they are. I know how incredibly blessed I am to have them and I should revel in each moment the Lord allows me with them and yet my grief for my other two boys clouds all of that and makes it tough to even see anything clearly. If I had my way about it I would probably just go back to bed and pull the covers over my head and not come out today. That however is not an option. I do have two of the world's most amazing little boys to care for today and that is what I will do. Thank you Jesus!

I look at Ben and how amazing he is and how great it is to see him look at everything as though it is the most wonderful discovery. He is experimenting with words and boundaries. I wonder if God will ever allow me the privilege of watching and assisting in the growth of another child this way. Will I ever have the chance again to know what it feels like to bring a baby home from the hospital, nurse my newborn baby, to see Benjamin be the big brother? I for sure have been blessed with the children I have, but I am left wondering if this is it for us. And if it is I pray that God will remove the longing for another Bolte baby from my heart. I love my boys more than words could ever say and if they are the only two children I get to raise on this earth, I will know that God knows what is best and has blessed us abundantly.

The thing is I still have this super strong desire for more children and that thought terrifies me. In a recent discussion with my amazing husband I was brought face to face with something that needed to be brought to the surface. He asked me if I honestly thought we could risk going through the loss of another baby. Now this was the FIRST time he had ever shown any doubt (at least with me). He was ready to have another baby months ago and has just been waiting for me to feel ready. He has been my rock, my unwavering pillar of strength and in a sweet conversation with me where he very carefully chose his words so as not to completely freak me out he confessed his fear, his doubt and his desires.

I am so thankful that he loves me and trusts me enough to do this, but it completely threw me for a loop. I told him that I really felt I wanted more children and that I was sure that we would just have to pray and have faith that God would give us the desires of our heart, to which he rebutted "yeah, we did that". Stunned, I said "what?" and he went on about how while we were in the hospital with Isaac he had never prayed so hard or completely expected God to move and yet Isaac died anyway. Then through my pregnancy with Asher, Howard never once doubted. He fully and completely believed God was going to deliver us from this tragedy. He was going to save Asher. There was just no doubt in Howard's mind.

He reminded me that we prayed so faithfully for our boy, we held on to the Hope that God would perform a miracle and yet again, our son was ripped from our arms and we went home empty armed and broken hearted. Not once but twice God allowed this agony, this unfathomable emptiness in our lives and there is certainly NO guarantee he would not allow it a third time. Howard went on to say that it certainly wasn't about faith. We had faith so having faith that he would give us a healthy baby seemed irrelevant and, prayers? really, if God has a plan, why even pray anyway?

I sat there in the dark car stunned, tears streaming down my face my boys sleeping soundly in the backseat. I had no answer. It was like now not only was I grieving the loss of my boys, but I was also losing the one person who always came at me with "well, pray about it" or "you just have to trust" he always made it sound so simple.

Howard was (gasp) showing his humanity and it scared me. I have always been kind of irritated by his incredible faith. He never questions never worries and trusts like no one I have ever known. Whenever I come to him with a worry, he always has a simple answer, like well, is that thought coming from God? or maybe you should pray about that. Now, he was wavering.

We came inside and put the kids to bed and I got online searching for answers. I did much genetic research hoping to have some better statistics to throw at him and that was when God spoke. I stopped typing frantically and closed the computer and I sat and listened as my God reminded me that my help comes from Him alone. Howard is in fact human. He is so very worthy of all of my love and respect. He is the most amazing man that I have ever known and I am so blessed that he chose me to share this life with him. I marvel at that fact every day. But, Howard is not God. That seems kind of silly and quite obvious, but I think sometimes I put so much of my faith and hope in him that I lose sight of where my help should be coming from.

God no doubt intended for us to marry and for our spouse to be our helpmate. But it is completely unfair of me to put Howard up on this pedestal. He is human. He too lost two little boys that he loved dearly. He too is broken and hurting, though he doesn't always show it. He deserves a wife that can love him and his humanity. That can be here to listen as he doubts and worries just as he does for me. Howard and I will remain united with God in this. We will remain in prayer and follow his prompting, together as a team with God as our one and only.

I guess I needed that reminder that night. That sometimes idols sneak in without you even realizing it. I was using Howard as one. I needed to change my perspective. I need to love honor and cherish Howard, but never put him before God. God specifically says that we are not to have idols before him. NOTHING is to be more important to us that God Himself. These idols come to us in many forms, sometimes money, people, jobs, cars, hobbies, pets, the truth is, anything we put before God is an idol and I know I am going to take a closer look at my life to excavate the idols that are hiding beneath the surface. Do you have any excavating to do? Let's go on a dig!

You shall not make for yourself an idol in the form of anything in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the waters below. Exodus 20:3-5

12 comments:

The Whalen Family said...

Wow. That was pretty powerful. I think there are times when we all need to take a step back and re-evaluate our lives and what we are putting before the Lord. Thank you for that reminder Kristy.

Always praying for you!

*Tiffany!*

Laura said...

I could have written this post...my husband and I had this same conversation just last week...he said almost the same words Howard did...if God is going to whatever He wants anyway, why pray? I too was stunned but it was good for me to see that Josh does have doubts and he still continues to work through his loss everyday. They have so much resposibiblity and so many looking to them...me included! I was reminded that I need to be looking to God to answer those questions for me and not have any other idols. Wish you were closer...we would have so much to talk about! xoxo

Shannon said...

Hi Kristy,

How ARE you doing today? I was out walking a little bit ago and thought of you. You come to mind so often when my daughters in school and it's just me and the boys doing boy things.:)

Thank you so much for this reminder today. This 'funk' that I've been in seems to lesson as I grab a hold of these lessons that we know we need. Idols are so tricky...I think it's because Satan's so good at 'hiding' behind them so we don't see him. I appreciate that you shared and I'm already 'digging'.

love you friend,
Shannon

Laurie said...

Kristy,

This is an amazing post here. I think we all need to do some excavating on a regular basis. I truly love Howards honesty with you and I believe with all of my heart that it will strengthen your requests before God. I know that we are to have no idols before God, but what a blessing to have our mate right there worthy of being in the running.:) It reminds us of where our husbands strength comes from. I am praying for you as I do my own digging out here in California. I needed this today. I love you and all four of your precious boys. And I am asking God to give you and Howard clear direction in growing your family.

Love and Prayers, Laurie in Ca.

Corie said...

Your posts continue to amaze me as they are so much the same as my thoughts. I have been struggling so much with anxiety and fears and yet God is faithful to keep me going. Cnversations you have now are so different and our thoughts of them different. I really dont know how to put it into words, but I want you to know, you are not alone. I am here, walking with you often with the same things. email if you ever need to.

ajc4ever said...

This is a very beautiful and powerfully written post. Thank you.

Anonymous said...

I had a similar conversation with my husband, too. He shocked me as well with his gentle statement that it could be Satan lurking behind my desire for another child.. that I was making an idol of the idea of another healthy baby... that my happiness depended on another child, not on God and what he has already blessed us with.

Melanie said...

I love the verse in Jonah that says, "Those who cling to worthless idols forfeit the grace that could be theirs." Powerful.

Devon Rene said...

i just love you because you are so freaking honest and its so refreshing!

you have once again reminded me that i am not alone and that there are other families out there struggling with the same things.

our husbands sound so similar and always freak out too when he isnt the *perfect* man of god. but so glad to know he is human too!!

i hate that grief is so out of our control and so unpredictable but at least we know that our god is the same every single day!

thank you for being you. you have taught me so much!

msharae said...

Kristy, I loved this post, but it took me a little while of thinking about it to be able to comment... mostly because once again your words echo a theme in my life (even though our circumstances are different, it seems like God shows us a lot of the same things).

I was thinking Saturday night about what I could teach my kids that would REALLY have the most lasting impact - when we're surrounded in our society by people who have vague Biblical knowledge and random spiritual ideas (that often sound good even if they aren't theologically sound), where do you START with teaching your kids about God? What's the most important lesson?

I decided that if I could teach my kids only one thing it would be that God is more important than anybody. I realized that if I could imbed that one truth within them, plant that one seed, then all of the other important things to know about God and about Christ and about life and about death (and life after death) would all fall into their proper place, with proper perspective.

So THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for sharing with us this piece of your journey! It blessed my heart to see someone else struggling in a fierce way with the idea that God is more important than anybody.

With love!
Meg

Lisa said...

I think in this grief journey, I am realizing that people always disappoint... only God is unchanging, completely trustworthy and He alone will provide us with everything we need!

Devin said...

Great, great post Kristy. We have so many more idols than we even realize...I think, even some times, without meaning to.

It is good to take a really hard look every few days and examine--make sure that God is FIRST before everything and every ONE else.

Thanks for this reminder!