The Ground You Walk on is Holy

I cannot seem to stop the tears today. I do have faith and the only thing that keeps me going is knowing that the day will come when my entire family is reunited. I have faith, I have hope, and I am blessed, but the pain still cuts so deep.

It seems unimaginable that thirty eight months and two days ago I sat in a hospital room with my husband and kissed my second son's forehead as he slipped away. I watched my strong husband hold his beloved son as he took his last labored breath. We exhausted ourselves praying that our son would beat the odds. He would live. Then we were blasted with the truth that God chose something different for our family. Isaac now lives with Him.

Three months into the grief journey we found out we were expecting our third child. We tried the best we could to pick up the pieces, hand them all to God and look forward to the arrival of our new miracle. We were told that having another child with Isaac's same health issues was not of concern as he had contracted a virus inutero and my body was now immune to that virus.

We enjoyed every moment of this pregnancy knowing that there are no guarantees but secretly thinking that there was no way God would command us to walk that road again. Blessings abounded and our third son was bigger than his older brothers, by a lot, he always measured big as if to assure us that he was a different child that came with new hopes and dreams of his own.

Benjamin came into the world perfect and healthy on a blessed day in July of 2006. I sat in a hospital room with hope. I would get to take this boy home. Luke would get to be a big brother. Isaac was not forgotten, but with Benjamin came hope and healing. It was as if God was reassuring us that we would make it.

Then just seven months ago today, I sat in a hospital surrounded by closest friends and family and watched as my fourth son slipped away.

It seems so unfair. TWICE! Really,God, Really? TWICE? Who are we that you would ask us to carry this burden? How on earth are we supposed to do justice to this cross you have chosen for us?, we are just an ordinary family who wants to live a simple life, love eachother, and honor you. This morning I woke up with those words on the tip of my tongue. I headed for the Bible to see if He had anything for me to soothe my aching heart. He led me to the book of Exodus, the story of Moses. Coincidence? Not a chance!

I read the story of Moses...(this is my translation, I encourage you to read it for yourself from your Bible, as I am loosely paraphrasing)

I started in chapter 3. Here is poor Moses, minding his own business. Tending sheep for his father-in-law, he was just an ordinary guy, doing a quite ordinary job. He led the sheep through the desert to the mountain of God. There he saw a bush, it was on fire, but it wasn't burning up. So he decided to take a closer look. The Lord appeared to him in the flames and called him..."Moses, Moses!"

Moses must have been a little freaked out, but said "Here I am". God warned him not to come any closer, and commanded him to take his shoes off, stating that the ground he walked on was "holy". That ground had undoubtedly been walked on before by people, perhaps even Moses, with their shoes on, but in this moment on that particular ground, something bigger was happening. God revealed himself as the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, and Moses looked away, afraid to look at God.

The Lord admitted to Moses that he had seen the suffering of His people in Egypt and was concerned. He revealed his plan to deliver the Israelites out of Egypt and told Moses to "go". He was sending Moses out to command that Pharaoh let them go.

Moses must have been shocked. He said to God, who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and lead the Israelites out of Egypt? I can only imagine he peed his pants! I mean really God? An ordinary Shepherd guy to go and stand up to Pharaoh!? And God just said, I will be with you! He didn't say it would be easy, he didn't say there would not be pain, suffering and wilderness wandering. He just said "I will be with you"

Okay so I read that story and then read it again and again. Trying to get what God was saying to me and my broken heart this morning. I got a few things, and if you bear with me I will try my best to share them.

First, I pondered the idea of Holy Ground. I have struggled for so long to describe what it is like to hold your child as they die. This is it. This phrase describes it exactly. A moment that is tragic and heartbreaking, seemingly scary and sickening, yet there is a peace and beauty about it. When I think back to July 20, 2005 and February 22, 2008, that my friends was "holy ground". Such immense loss and sadness, yet such a sense that there is something so much bigger than all of that, intense pain and immeasurable peace. Those are certainly not moments I would have chosen to experience, but I hold on to those memories like life sustaining air. Those were "holy ground" moments. We all have them I am sure. From the outside it seems as though the worst moment one could even imagine. I mean I knew ahead of time with Asher that it was likely that he would not survive, and I worried about what people would think about standing in my room and holding and loving my dead son, we were planning for this. I can honestly tell you though I wish the outcome were different, it was the most amazing day of my life. A day where I actually saw the body of Christ, and his arms were embracing my family. There was something so much bigger going on that the anticipated awkwardness of people thinking it was morbid. The ground in that room was certainly holy ground.

I also struggle with why for even an instant God thought I could handle any of this. I am just an ordinary person, a stay at home mom who simply wants to enjoy my family and make a good home for them. I never bargained for any of what I have been handed. But...then again, who does? We aren't given those choices. No one would ever choose them. There are no guarantees, and what God plans often looks nothing like what we plan. Not comforting I know, but again, I doubt very much God is interested in our comfort. He asks us to just be obedient. To carry on when we feel we can no longer move because He is there. He is with us and that is all we need to know. SO...my heart is still hurting, the tears are still flowing, I do not understand any of this, I have no idea why so many people today are suffering in so many ways. He doesn't ask me to understand, he just asks be to believe that He is there, He knows best, and he will work it all out for the good of those who love them.

So in short, I really didn't figure anything out and it is likely I won't, I mean what could possibly make any of this make sense in our minds anyhow? I ask you to continue to pray for us as we figure out how to live this life God has chosen for us. I pray that through our pain we can bring him some sort of glory.

Thank you all for being faithful in prayer, and for remembering my boys today. There is an emptiness in my arms today where a seven month old baby should be and I struggle with that. We are a family of six and I miss my boys so much!