Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Good?

"It was good for me to be afflicted" Psalm 119:71

This was a verse in one of my devotionals today. I must have read it fifty times over trying to understand. Good to be afflicted? Really? Um...no, not so much.

I have had a lot of ups and downs lately. I have had a lot of fun with my family, and I know how incredibly blessed I am to have the family I have. I have been kind of at a loss for words, hence the lack in blogging. There are just no words to describe how I feel. I feel so broken and so sad, yet so grateful. I have so much, and I have lost much. It is a strange paradox a constant tug of war with my soul.

I haven't been feeling so great physically lately and yesterday my amazing husband took the day off to completely take care of me and the boys. He let me, actually forced me to stay in bed most all day! He played with the boys and they had a wonderful time with their daddy. I sat in bed just thanking God for that man. He is more than I could ever have dreamed of! Praise God!

I sit and watch Luke and Ben each day as they grow and I am constantly amazed at the wonderful little boys they are. They are definitely the hand picked perfect boys for our family. I am so grateful to be able to raise them, to watch them grow and to help develop their character. Though I do not get to raise Isaac or Asher, I still know they were perfect also and hand picked for our family. It hurts that they aren't here, but I know that this is exactly where God had intended for us to be at this moment in time.

I have been isolating myself a bit lately. I wanted to take the time to be in this moment. This moment God has chosen for me. I am sharing with him my extreme disappointment, sadness and anger, and also my gratefulness, hope and joy. I am not there yet. I am not able to say whole-heartedly that it was good to be afflicted, but there has been good in the affliction.

I have received much encouragement lately. Many people sharing with me what my boys have meant to their lives, and just knowing that Isaac and Asher are changing the way people are living their lives, bringing them closer to their Heavenly Father, my heart is so very broken by the distance between us and yet so very joyful at the incredible purpose their short lives are serving. I am so proud of all of my boys! I am seeing that God is using all of this. I am grateful and humbled that he has chosen our family for such important things. Praise God!

"His grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain." 1Corinthians 15:10

I have been struggling with feeling so very unworthy of this immense task at hand. Continuing to praise God and fight the good fight when my heart is hurting and longing for my boys. I have screamed at the top of my lungs demanding God tell me why on earth he thought I could handle this! The truth is I can't. I can't handle any of it, but He can, and he continues to provide enough grace to get me through each day.

The feelings of unworthiness have really brought me down, like God must have made a huge mistake to trust me with this. In the past few weeks, I have prayed about all of this and God has spoken to my heart. He has expressed to me that by not fully believing the grace he has provided me with is meant for me I am not trusting Him. I am believing lies! It is a sin to not accept what he has offered, and I have been having a hard time with that acceptance. If I believe and have faith, and I do, I must also believe that God doesn't make mistakes, he has trusted this cross for me to bear for a reason. A reason that is greater than I can imagine. He continues to give me the grace to pull through each day and he will continue to do so. None of us are truly worthy, but Jesus died to wipe all of that away and it doesn't do justice to Him when we don't fully accept it. I guess in some ways I thought I was just being humble, but that is not humble in God's eyes.

Humbleness is saying "yes God, I am worthy because YOU have chosen me" no matter what the circumstance. He chooses all of us for different tasks.

Today we had some new and dear friends over to play for a while and it was good to break the isolation! We had a fun time and a full house and as our friends left, my oldest boy was singing as he cleaned up toys "This is the day, This is the day, that the Lord has made..." His sweet spirit and these new friendships have reminded me that no matter what happens in a day, it is a day that the Lord has made and we are to be glad and rejoice in it. I am trying to do that now.

Life can change dramatically in a day's time, yet even those days are days the Lord has made. We are drawing near to the day that changed our lives one year ago, a day that our hopes and dreams for Asher changed forever. Even that day is a day that the Lord had made. We all have days that change the course of the future we thought we had planned. Maybe the key is to quit planning and just give it all to Him!? Easier said than done! But I will surely give it all I have!

21 comments:

mrsrubly said...

you are so right. this is the day that the Lord has made for each and every one of us. continue to put your faith in the Lord and he is helping you to bear that cross. i know it's a struggle and you will have good and bad days, both happy and angry days. but we just give it to God and he will take control. he will lead us and light our paths as we put one foot in front of the other. i have been really praying hard for you my sweet friend. may you have the unworthiness feelings be forever gone, out of your heart of hearts. you are very worthy. don't ever doubt that. you have Jesus Christ, family, numerous friends to carry your mat. we love you and your precious sweet family.
PS i am happy for you and the boys to have a playdate! those are always fun! until next update, my heart to yours bonny

Shannon said...

One day soon we just need to find the time to chat on the phone. This post just makes me want to do this. That verse. Oh my goodness,Kristy. I think of your circumstances and then mine. Why does He think we can do this? AND acknowledge that it's all good?! I agree...not so much:).

I've read your words a few times and as I pray I think for me, God's just reminding me that although so much has been brought my way from the enemy, none of it goes without passing through Him first. Yeah, hate that part...cause then we get into knowing that He could have stopped it. All in all, it's so complex but I think it just comes down to us loving Him with a child like heart and truly recognizing that He is omnipotent and there's just some stuff we won't understand until we are graced with seeing Him face to face.

I'm praying. Our journeys are so different but yet we seem to be growing in such similar ways. I love you girl, more than you know. Shannon

zanesmommy said...

Well said. You do such a great job of putting into words what I have difficulty doing. I am so glad that God brought me to your blog. May God continue to heal you though your rough times and bless you beyond your dreams.

What a lucky woman to have such a thoughtful hubby. Even though you were sick, I hope you found it refreshing.

Corie said...

Thank you Kristy...love your honesty. I am calling soon. Just trying to find the right time. The 2 hour time different is a bummer!

Steve+Marie Douglas said...

I know.

His sustenance be your all in all.

Mrs. P said...

I want you to know how much your blogging has meant to me. There have been times when I have struggled with my losses, and when I look at your great losses and how you have handled them so gracefully I am humbled, and so grateful that you have chosen to share with all of us. I have learned so much from your amazing testamony.

I hope you are feeling better soon. I continue to pray for you and for Howard.

A Look Into Our Lives said...

Beautiful truths you have spoken here!
Thank you once again for sharing your heart. It just brings it back to one, ultimate truth - this world and everything in and all that happens is about Him! Hard to understand and accept sometimes and I so wish I could get more answers to the "why's" of life.
I just continue to pray the best for you and again am so grateful for your openness.

Also, I'll be thinking of you in the mornings now as my son and I always start our day singing "This is the Day" together :)
Blessings to you.

Hilary

So Blessed said...

We must use the same devotional book...and I agree this was a tough one. You are so precious to share your life with all of us blog readers...and what an amazing blessing it is to be able to support you in prayer. Isn't God good to bond us with people (even ones we haven't actually met)to help us and encourage us? I have had that experience many times, myself, and look back and see God's hand. You are in my prayers, sweet Kristy. Love, Susie

Jessica mommy to Alex/ RTS said...

You keep choosing to praise Him, you keep choosing to have faith.
You keep amazing me!

Sheryl said...

What a great post. I completely agree with your statement about not being able to say it was good to be afflicted, but there was good in the affliction. I would never have chosen the path of my life. Nor would I want to miss the blessings I have received because of the afflictions. You're right it is such a tug. I know Jesus better than I ever would have. And I suppose that is what is most important to Him.

Don't let satan's lies take root. You are trustworthy with all that God has given you. He makes no mistakes! None. As hard as that is to understand. It is truth.

Love to you-
Sheryl

Kirsten said...

Hugs and love to you, sweet friend. I can relate to the paradox of feelings. You describe it so well. I wish I had "the answer" to make it better. Even a guess would be nice sometimes.

The emotions are so intense, yet on the opposite extremes of the spectrum - within a few minutes. It is enough to make me feel crazy sometimes. Then I remind myself that is what grief is like.

I pray for you and your family daily. You are a huge encouragement and example to so many who follow your story. Thanks for being honest and transparent in your journey. It is such a blessing. You are the encourager to so many - I'm glad that you were able to let your sweet Hubby encourage and love on you.

Hugs and blessings to you,
Kirsten

Kirsten said...

Hugs and love to you, sweet friend. I can relate to the paradox of feelings. You describe it so well. I wish I had "the answer" to make it better. Even a guess would be nice sometimes.

The emotions are so intense, yet on the opposite extremes of the spectrum - within a few minutes. It is enough to make me feel crazy sometimes. Then I remind myself that is what grief is like.

I pray for you and your family daily. You are a huge encouragement and example to so many who follow your story. Thanks for being honest and transparent in your journey. It is such a blessing. You are the encourager to so many - I'm glad that you were able to let your sweet Hubby encourage and love on you.

Hugs and blessings to you,
Kirsten

Melissa Dovel said...

I think that each word He gives you brings you closer to Him- That is all He wants. The closer you are to Him the more you see Him and have comfort that your boys are safe and secure. Geeze I hope that makes sense! I love ya and I am praying for you and your right that God has brought change to others thru Issac and Ashers lives. I am one of them:)

Hugs from Texas
Melissa

Kenzie said...

Kristy-

I LOVE your heart as you continue to share the brokenness you feel, but also the joy... the unworthiness (as we all are) but worthy because of Christ. You are absolutely beautiful and I don't know why He picked you for this either, but I know He is honored by the way that you continue to fight to be always in His will in these extreme times. He loves you so much and ... well, so do I! : )

Have a beautiful day sweet girl!
Kenz

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Sweet Sweet Kristy,
You nailed it my friend. It is a strange paradox a constant tug of war with my soul. Your post today I could mirror. Thank you for always sharing the realness of your heart and not just on the good days, it helps others to feel so okay with where they may be at (yes me). I am so thankful God has blessed you with your husband! I will keep on praying for you Kristy. I love you.
Kim

Melissa said...

Thank you Kristy for you kind words on my blog. You are such an inspiration and you have so much strength. It is refreshing to hear that you know there are going to be bad days but that you will fight with the help of God to overcome those days. You are not alone dear friend and you are loved by many.

Sending you a hug tonight,
Melissa

Laura said...

Such good words...so transparent and honest. I am praying for you and your heart as well. You are an amazing woman...even on the days it doesn't feel that way. We are holding your arms up as you walk and praying for the shadows not to be so long. Sending you much love...xoxo

Becky said...

Wednesday night our Bible study was in Psalm 119 and that verse spoke to me as well. In a sense, it is a promise that we will be afflicted. Not something we want to hear huh? There is so much in that chapter. I will be praying for you as you are going through hard times - times of affliction. The think the worst afflictions are those that affect us emotionally.

The Pittsburgh Hites said...

Where have you disappeared to?? It's not like you to be gone this long. I hope you are all off having fun and enjoying the sunshine this weekend!!
Hope to see you soon!
-Ging

Elena said...

I love how you said the affliction wasn't good, but good has come from it. Maybe that's the truth of the matter right there. Because without affliction or sorrow we can't know good or happiness. Kind of a two edged sword isn't it?

The Whalen Family said...

Kristy, I have said this before and I really do mean it. You truly inspire me.

*Tiffany!*