Good?

"It was good for me to be afflicted" Psalm 119:71

This was a verse in one of my devotionals today. I must have read it fifty times over trying to understand. Good to be afflicted? Really? Um...no, not so much.

I have had a lot of ups and downs lately. I have had a lot of fun with my family, and I know how incredibly blessed I am to have the family I have. I have been kind of at a loss for words, hence the lack in blogging. There are just no words to describe how I feel. I feel so broken and so sad, yet so grateful. I have so much, and I have lost much. It is a strange paradox a constant tug of war with my soul.

I haven't been feeling so great physically lately and yesterday my amazing husband took the day off to completely take care of me and the boys. He let me, actually forced me to stay in bed most all day! He played with the boys and they had a wonderful time with their daddy. I sat in bed just thanking God for that man. He is more than I could ever have dreamed of! Praise God!

I sit and watch Luke and Ben each day as they grow and I am constantly amazed at the wonderful little boys they are. They are definitely the hand picked perfect boys for our family. I am so grateful to be able to raise them, to watch them grow and to help develop their character. Though I do not get to raise Isaac or Asher, I still know they were perfect also and hand picked for our family. It hurts that they aren't here, but I know that this is exactly where God had intended for us to be at this moment in time.

I have been isolating myself a bit lately. I wanted to take the time to be in this moment. This moment God has chosen for me. I am sharing with him my extreme disappointment, sadness and anger, and also my gratefulness, hope and joy. I am not there yet. I am not able to say whole-heartedly that it was good to be afflicted, but there has been good in the affliction.

I have received much encouragement lately. Many people sharing with me what my boys have meant to their lives, and just knowing that Isaac and Asher are changing the way people are living their lives, bringing them closer to their Heavenly Father, my heart is so very broken by the distance between us and yet so very joyful at the incredible purpose their short lives are serving. I am so proud of all of my boys! I am seeing that God is using all of this. I am grateful and humbled that he has chosen our family for such important things. Praise God!

"His grace which was bestowed upon me was not in vain." 1Corinthians 15:10

I have been struggling with feeling so very unworthy of this immense task at hand. Continuing to praise God and fight the good fight when my heart is hurting and longing for my boys. I have screamed at the top of my lungs demanding God tell me why on earth he thought I could handle this! The truth is I can't. I can't handle any of it, but He can, and he continues to provide enough grace to get me through each day.

The feelings of unworthiness have really brought me down, like God must have made a huge mistake to trust me with this. In the past few weeks, I have prayed about all of this and God has spoken to my heart. He has expressed to me that by not fully believing the grace he has provided me with is meant for me I am not trusting Him. I am believing lies! It is a sin to not accept what he has offered, and I have been having a hard time with that acceptance. If I believe and have faith, and I do, I must also believe that God doesn't make mistakes, he has trusted this cross for me to bear for a reason. A reason that is greater than I can imagine. He continues to give me the grace to pull through each day and he will continue to do so. None of us are truly worthy, but Jesus died to wipe all of that away and it doesn't do justice to Him when we don't fully accept it. I guess in some ways I thought I was just being humble, but that is not humble in God's eyes.

Humbleness is saying "yes God, I am worthy because YOU have chosen me" no matter what the circumstance. He chooses all of us for different tasks.

Today we had some new and dear friends over to play for a while and it was good to break the isolation! We had a fun time and a full house and as our friends left, my oldest boy was singing as he cleaned up toys "This is the day, This is the day, that the Lord has made..." His sweet spirit and these new friendships have reminded me that no matter what happens in a day, it is a day that the Lord has made and we are to be glad and rejoice in it. I am trying to do that now.

Life can change dramatically in a day's time, yet even those days are days the Lord has made. We are drawing near to the day that changed our lives one year ago, a day that our hopes and dreams for Asher changed forever. Even that day is a day that the Lord had made. We all have days that change the course of the future we thought we had planned. Maybe the key is to quit planning and just give it all to Him!? Easier said than done! But I will surely give it all I have!