Tuesday, December 16, 2008

An Empty Crib

Last night in our home, a crib stood empty. Despite our circumstances it is the first time in a really long time that this has happened (and the children were not in our bed). Benjamin wants to be more and more like Luke each and every day and last night he moved into his "big boy bed". We had not planned ahead for this. I was working last night and while I was working, Howard took it upon himself to go and get a mattress from friends of ours who offered one a while ago and he prepared the bed for Ben, crisp sheets, blankies, pillows, even a bed rail.

I work from home teaching students online in the evenings so when I emerged from the bedroom after my four hour shift I was surprised by what I saw and a little taken back. I took a deep breath as this is something we have been talking about doing for a while. The boys were in the tub and I asked Howard if tonight would be the night we moved Ben into the bunk beds we purchased when we found out Asher would be joining us. We figured we would need the crib for him and we have a small home, so the bunk beds were a perfect choice.

Howard said it was up to me. He looked at me knowing that there was more to it than just having Ben sleep in different bed. When Asher did not come home from the hospital we did NOT come home to an empty nursery or crib. Ben's sweet little body slept sweetly in that space. There was not a physical emptiness in those places. One bunk bed stood empty but that was somehow easier to deal with.

After bathing the boys we PJed (I doubt that is a word) them and the four of us sat on the floor of Luke's bedroom and read a few Christmas stories. It was such a sweet time as Ben repeated "Do not be afraid! I bring good news!". Then Luke climbed to the top bunk and Ben cheerfully climbed into the bottom. He was so excited. As Howard and I said our goodnights and walked down the hall we heard "I love you Luke, good night!" "I love you Ben, Good Night". My heart melted. AAAAAAAAHHHH brotherly love.

Then as I got to the end of the hall and peered into the empty nursery where the crib also stood empty it hit me like a ton of bricks. Ben is growing up. He is such a joy to us, but my baby isn't still a baby, and the baby I had intended to sleep in this crib after him never will.

For now that crib, the crib we purchased for each of our children to drift off to dreamland in is empty. Two of our children have slept there and two of our children never will. I know this is how God intended it, but somehow it just doesn't seem right.

24 comments:

connie said...

Kristy, I'm sorry for days like this. I am sure it's part of healing, but still. Thank you for sharing this.
love, connie

Stacy D said...

Christy,

I can only imagine how hard that would have been. Those reminders come and the most unexpected times sometimes, and like you said, hit you like a ton of bricks. It is so hard.

Praying for you...

~ Stacy

PS- I wanted to e-mail you some questions/thoughts... do you have an e-mail address where I can reach you? If you don't want to post it, you can e-mail it to me at coolteacher79@yahoo.com Thanks :)

The Pittsburgh Hites said...

Just realize my friend that THAT crib will not be empty for long, and you have lots to do, getting that room ready for Rose...so see it's perfect timing, Ben knew!
I'm sending hugs and good thoughts your way today! Now off to see our princess be an angel in her school play!
Can't wait to see all of you!
-Ging

Kathaleen said...

Praying for your family.

Blessings!
Kathaleen

The Dortenzos said...

Thanks for writing and sharing that!! soooo often I feel like I could have written your posts :) Though our kids are 4 and 2 i wanted to keep them in that crib forever so that it would never be empty, never be put away so that the feeling "one missing" wouldn't be sooo strong! I pray that God will give you peace and maybe some reflection as that crib is empty--that you can prepare your heart and home for this new life!!! Praying for you!!!!

Devin said...

Praying for you today Kristy....

Brotherly love is such a special thing, isn't it? The fact that they share a room is guaranteed to make them even closer. We have all three of our boys in one room, and we plan to keep it that way, even if another would come along (we have another bedroom that is an office, and we could split them up if we wanted to, but we choose to keep them together).

I know some days are so hard. I understand that perfectly. May God's love and peace surround you each moment, and remind you that He is always there and has a perfect plan for everything.

Much prayers today,
Devin

Rebecca CA said...

I am so sorry for your empty crib. I pray that soon it will be filled with a brand new baby that comes home to you and not his heavenly Father.

I also wanted to know how you got into teaching classes online. I am a single mom and struggling and have heard about this and would love to be able to make a little more to help with our bills. I have a college education can you pass on any information if it is something I could do
washingtonplace@earthlink.net

Suzie said...

awww... I know from looking at an empty crib for two months after loosing Cooper, that was so hard. Lil Ben... he sure is something isn't he? And for those two to say that after you guys left the room, it just melts my heart! Even if they don't like to share the cars I bring for them, they still love each other. :o)

That crib wont stay empty for long. I can just feel it.

Praying for you like always!
Love ya

Nicole O'Dell said...

Wow that had to be a bittersweet time. I can only imagine.

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

Praying...

Claire said...

Praying with you that this spring that crib will be full of a warm bundle in the form of a new little miracle baby. PRaying for you tonight as you miss the little boys that never got to sleep in that crib.
Hugs and Prayers
Rachel in PA

bri said...

I am sorry that it is so hard to visually see this. It is going to take time to get over every hump there is. You are eventually going to go through every thing there is to miss about them and then you can start to full heal but until then you are going to keep "stumbling" upon "accidental" things that are going to stop you in your tracks with the thoughts of "what if's" and "if only's". I dealt with that a lot. I still do when I see an outfit that I registered for and see it on MY NIECE or situations like that. I stare in oblivion at them picturing my sweet little girl in that outfit, car seat, blanket etc. and think "okay this is another place of healing, Thank you Jesus for your kind, healing ways!"
You see HE is not rushing you to "get over it, or to just deal" He is leading you to a place of healing over each and every thing that you will ever remember and he is being kind to let you savor the memories of your sweet sons, even as brief as it may have been, along the healing path. His healing takes time but it is ever so gentle!
I am praying that this does get easier and more peaceful than abrupt so to speak. I KNOW it is hard but Peace is abundant when called upon!

Blessings

msharae said...

Oh goodness, that is tough. It's one more thing that you just don't think about the same way anymore...

I hope the boys enjoy their bunk beds!

Mrs B said...

I can only imagine how it felt to see the crib empty. I think those kinds of moments sneak up on you. I am praying that those moments lessen and your days continually fill with peace. God bless you.

Steve+Marie Douglas said...

bitter sweet.
Praying For you guys

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Kristy,
It's not right. It's weird how these types of things can affect us so profoundly. I am sorry.
I love you,
Kim

Mrs. P said...

Kristy I am so so sorry. I can't imagine. If I could hug you I would ((HUGS!)) My whole family is praying for you and your family, and the sweet life you are carrying right now.

Congrats to Ben! Is there anyway to make them STOP getting so big?!?? It takes my breath away to see my kids growing up before my eyes. It goes so so fast.

Reagan and Ethan share a room and there really is nothing more heartwarming than night time conversations between siblings (and sometimes funny! We have a baby monitor in their room so we can listen to them. They are a riot!)

Jill said...

Christy,

Praying for you as you walk this journey of faith!

Praising God for the new life growing inside of you - hope restored.

I know how hard it is to watch your children grow up and ask to be a big boy. Joshua just did this last week and he can't get enough of his big boy bed. Precious really!

Blessings to you and your family this holiday season!
Jill

Amelia said...

I can't imagine what it's like to lose a child much less two.

Just remember there are so many people out there who never get the chance to use their crib even the first time. It's great that you have gotten to use it with two healthy happy little guys.

Just Me said...

Praying that a few months from now you will bring home a healthy baby who will fill that empty crib...

Hugs and prayers,
Amanda

Susan said...

I recently came across a couple of colorful designs on more bunk beds and kids bedroom furniture.

Shannon said...

It's never easy when those moments happen. For me, I just keep telling myself: He has a plan - find the beauty in the bigger picture.

Sending you hugs and prayers

Rachel said...

Bless you. I am praying for you. I am good friends with Emily Cassidy. Your babies are all four beautiful.

positively lisa said...

Kristy, I stumbled upon your blog tonight and while I "kind of" knew of your losses, I had no idea of the full story. You are remarkable. What wonderful Faith and love. While I don't know the kind of loss you've felt, I know too well of those strange little reminders of those who left us too early, even now 12 years after loosing Jim.

I'll be following your blog and praying with you that a new baby Bolte gets to sleep in that crib.
~Lisa Baldwin