Monday, December 8, 2008

Permission to Dream

At this time last year we had just received news that there was likely something wrong with Asher. I was 20ish weeks pregnant and I was quickly seeing the dreams I held for my fourth son slip away. It was such a tough thing to spend the rest of my pregnancy trying to enjoy my baby yet not getting to decorate a nursery, prepare our home for another child, or any of the "normal" stuff a new mom does. In some ways that was excruciating. In others it was a blessing.

You see, with Isaac, we had no idea until the day we had him that anything was wrong. Our home was prepared, our hearts were prepared to bring home our little boy. That did not happen and when we came home empty handed, we came home to a home fully prepared for a newborn. It tore my heart out to have to put all of the baby stuff away after coming home. There was evidence of a baby in our home, yet no baby.

Now I find myself in limbo. Here I am again expecting a new baby. Yet I have NO idea what to expect. I have spent the last three months struggling with hoping for the best while trying to stay grounded and remind myself of the reality that we may be asked to walk that road again. We may yet again come home empty handed. That thought literally brings me to my knees.

I spend the majority of my days trying to push the idea that I am pregnant behind all of the other things I have to do for the day. It is becoming harder to do as my body is changing. This is my fifth baby and I have to say that with each of those babies my body has begun changing a bit sooner than the last time. :-) As I look down and see my growing abdomen the dreams begin to pop into my head, dreams of names, nursery colors, baby showers, and then just as quickly as they sneak in, I shove them away again. Afraid to get my hopes up.

I find myself wondering at what point I will allow myself permission to dream those dreams for my baby. I find myself longing for the blissful innocence of my first pregnancy. I want to be giddy with excitement at the prospect of bringing home another little blessing, and yet I am afraid to let my heart go there.

I know that there is a good likelihood that everything will be fine, I know God can make that happen, I know he is capable of anything, and yet he has chosen the other path for us twice. I am still very confused as to how to pray for this baby. I know I need to pray for God's will, but as a mom, I cannot also help but hope that this baby lives. I cannot help but cry out to God and beg him to allow me to watch this little one grow up with his or her brothers here on earth.

Our next ultrasound is December 30, we will have another one four weeks after that. It is likely that we will have a good indication as to how God has knitted this little one together by then, but I am wondering at what point in this pregnancy I ill be able to breathe. When will I give myself permission to dream baby dreams?

29 comments:

ASHLEY said...

I HOPE EVERYTHING TURNS OUT ALRIGHT FOR YOU. AFTER READING YOUR BLOG YOU TRULY DESERVE. I AM NEW TO YOUR BLOG BUT WILL HAVE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY IN MY THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS.

Suzie said...

Hang on girl. You are so strong. I know that the dreams are so sweet, yet bittersweet. I dont know what to say. But know that you have so many praying for you and Baby Bolte #5. Not a day goes by that you will not be held up in prayers. I love ya!

**hugs**
suz

Rachel said...

I've never commented on your blog before. I found you through MckMama's blog. Oh, how I pray for your baby. For your peace with this pregnancy. I hope you can start dreaming soon! All the best to you and your family!

Kelly @ The Beauty of Sufficient Grace said...

You probably won't breathe until your baby takes his/her first breath...and even then, you'll breathe cautiously. Hold on to hope when you can and dream your baby dreams when you are able. Cherish the gift of the life of your little one for each day...one day at a time. We only get the sufficient grace we need for this day. My heart aches for you...oh, how I remember holding my breath, living from ultrasound to ultrasound...holding on to any shreds of hope I could, praying, begging, and pleading with God for the life growing inside me. I know that you know our God is a God of miracles...we just can't always choose the packages our miracles come in. But we can trust Him...He will give us the sufficient grace we need for today and He will carry us through whatever tomorrow brings. Just hold on...

our family said...

Kristy-
Beautifully written. I know only a tiny piece of that waiting and wanting to hope and living in limbo through my miscarriages but can't even imagine the extent of trying to balance between guarding your heart and falling in love with the miracle growing inside that you are experiencing. Praying that you can get reassurance that your baby is healthy at the next two ultrasounds and that God will give you a peace and a hope so that you not only enjoy this little one while he or she is growing in your womb but look forward to enjoying him/her in your home. Praying and pleading with you that God hears your prayers and blesses your whole family with a healthy child and another sibling to grow up with Luke and Ben.
Hugs and Prayers
Rachel in PA

Susie said...

I'm there.

We finally found some relief after the big ultrasound. But now that I'm involved with a grieving mother's group there's all these cord accident stories that have me terrified...

The what ifs are going to drive me mad.

I don't think I'll set stuff up until a few weeks before. I pulled out the girl clothes a few weeks and looked at them. I'm getting excited, but there's still some apprehension.

Thinking of you!

Mrs. P said...

We were just discussing the topic of How to pray in Sunday school on Sunday. God's will is perfect, I just wish I had more understanding...because sometimes, I just don't get it.

I am still faithful, and I trust that His way is the right way...but my human mind just can't grasp these situations.

I am praying, and I know there are a lot of us who are anxious for your next sonogram appointments.

zanesmommy said...

Praying for you. You do such a great job of expressing what I think. Praying for a calm heart, peace, and comfort.
Christine

Shannon said...

Loving you, Kristy. And always praying for your little one growing. Wish I had some words to make the day to day apprehension a little easier, but I know only He an do that for you. But I'm always praying that He will slowly allow the joy seep in to stay. love you, girl!!!

Melanie said...

Dear Kristy, I cannot even imagine what is going on in your heart. I pray for you, for your peace and for your hope, and especially for the little one who is just fine for today.

Michelle Farley said...

Kristy,

No words can take away that feeling but please know that many people are praying for you!!! You are an amazing and strong woman and I admire your strength.

Cristi said...

May you be washed in the peace that passes understanding. May the Lord bless thee and keep thee and make his face to shine on thee and give thee peace!

Just Me said...

I don't have any words (although yesterday I did end up "googling" the lyrics to "A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes" for another reason and found the lyrics better than I remembered...) but I am praying for you and thinking about you always.

Take care,
Amanda

the*4*of*us said...

dream away!!! Even the beauty of what you will experience during this pregnancy is a dream come true, right? You guys are so blessed already...I can't wait to see that everything is just fine!Praying!

Michelle said...

Kristy~ I am praying for you and pleading with God to give you your hearts desire to raise this child! Not a day goes by that he doesn't bring your name to my mind in prayer. Love, Michelle

The Pittsburgh Hites said...

Even if you are afraid to dream, we already are for you! Baby "rose" is already part of our daily life here at the Hites house. Maggie asks about "her" almost everyday, making sure all is well. She is excited for Luke and Ben to have a baby sister. Ahh, I know it may be another brother, but let's humor her for now! She hasn't been wrong yet! Keep breathing, taking it a day at a time, and yes allow those little glimpses of hope and happiness about "her" to shine through...I can already see her, either 100% princess, or fighting with the boys over the trucks...i don't think there will be a middle ground! lol! Stay strong Kristy, we're all praying!
-Ging

Laurie in Ca. said...

Praying for you Kristy. It is hard to believe that a year has passed since I heard the news of Asher and have been following your journey ever since. I want to encourage you to dream sweetie. I know God wants this for you as you place your cares at His feet. I have watched you change and grow so much this past year. This new baby is a gift from Him and He will guard your dreams and hopes. He is faithful and you can trust Him. I am praying, hoping and dreaming with you and I believe and trust with all my heart that this one will be coming home with you. I love you Kristy and pray God's best blessings for you and your family.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Pete, Alison and Charlie said...

Thinking of you Kristy - I so understand where you were coming from. I'd love to have a pregnancy where my biggest concern was swollen ankles! Although having said that, if I ever had an ultrasound where they told me that everything was fine, I don't think I'd believe them anyway! Take care - we're thinking of Baby Bolte lots! XXX

Emily said...

Hi, I'm also new to your blog. I do pray that you are able to take this baby home. I think it's pretty realistic for you to wait to dream, to wish you had permission to assume things will go right, and also to find yourself dreaming anyway.

Thanks for sharing your life on your blog. I'm rooting for you and the new little one!

The Dortenzos said...

Praying for you! I Know that guarding your heart feeling--I know that fear of loving and allowing yourself to just give your whole heart! BUT--if you do--God will use that love and multiple it in many ways!!!! You are in my daily prayers and I pray that God's peace and mercy surrounds you!!!! Katy

Anonymous said...

Kristy,
I love your heart. We are praying.
becky and steve

bri said...

Oh Kristy my heart grieves with you. I know the hurt and pain that you have experienced and I know it will keep you from enjoying fully the new blessing that is forming within your womb. YOU ABSOLUTELY CANNOT LET SATAN STEAL YOUR JOY! NO MATTER THE COST! It is never easy the things we are called to do as Christians. We cannot lose our Identity of being first a DAUGHTER OF THE MOST HIGH KING. He is the ONE that can perform MIRACLES! He can see this little one grow up in his/her family. Satan is just waiting and laughing at your heels. I am standing firmly in prayer that JOY comes and sweeps you off your feet and allows you to LOVE and ENJOY this new baby with all your mind, heart, soul, and strength!

Okay this is random but for some reason I keep thinking this baby is a girl. Then when I read that line about him or her... i remembered you don't know the sex yet.... hmmmmmmm maybe, just maybe!

Tanya said...

I am so excited for you, and am praying for this pregnancy right alongside of you.

Laurie in Ca. said...

Just stopping by this morning to let you know I am dreaming with you and I love you very much. Praying God's dreams all over you from head to toe:) Have a wonderful week.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Laura said...

Thinking of you...praying for small breaths to come and small glimpses of hope. I so remember living from ultrasound to ultrasound...one step at a time. Praying for your heart.

Melissa Dovel said...

Kristy,

I thought I already posted a comment on this post (guess I diddnt:) One thing occured to me while praying for you. It seemed so obvoius that the Lord was showing me and I want to make sure I say it correctly. He gave you this pregnancy just like He has with your other 4 boys. I also felt like no matter what happens this is a journey and a gift. So if you choose to celebrate and dream and prepare only good can come from it. No matter what im sure you would benefit most from enjoying the moment. I hope that does not sound harsh I pray if sounds encouraging. I do not know you past pain so I have no way of knowing how possible or impossible that is. I have been praying for you to have peace through this pregnancy. Much love and prayer from our family to yours.

Kim (marygracesummons.blogspot.com) said...

Dear Kristy,
OH sweet friend. How can you not dream? I say dream, hope, pray and cling to that faith we have. Sure we are going to automatically guard our hearts, but you have this baby now, God has put this baby wiht you now.....he/she is already yours for you to dream about and try as we may...at a certain point (the body changing I am sure) we are forced to give in. I know how I feel and feel the same apprehensive things...but when reading of your feelings I want so much for you to just have that joy now, dream now, love now, now is what we have!!
I love you and am praying and dreaming with you too!!
Love,
Kim

Anonymous said...

Matt 7:7-11 7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. 8 For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened.

9"Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? 10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? 11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

I've read your blog for some time. You are a gifted writer and God will use your gifts.

After reading today's comments, I wanted to share those familiar verses with you. When my grown daughter was in critical condition and not expected to live after a car accident, I clung to those words. I did not know what was God's will for her....for her husband...for her three children...or for us her parents. What I DID know was that whatever happened it would be bread for all of us...for God would not give us a snake. He would give us all what was best. My daughter, a child of His, would be in heaven. Although our pain would be almost unbearable, I knew that God would use it for good in our lives, her children's lives, and her husband's life. I know from reading your blog that you believe that too. May you cling to His promises.
P.S. Our daughter is fine now.

In His Love, Carolyn (child of God and grandmother of 7)

Kirsten said...

Kristy -

What a beautiful post.

This is a post I'm sure I will return to often for encouragement. Future pregnancies will never be the same in terms of the naivety I once had. Having women that show me the way down the path has been a blessing at each step on this journey.

Praying for you daily. For the peace that passes all understanding. For permission to dream and dream big. For freedom to receive the abundant blessings that God will show upon you and your family. There are additional chapters to your story. Nothing provides restoration the way God provides restoration. Your life and family is going to be fuller and more blessed than you could have ever imagined.

Dare to dream - and be surprised at how He will give you even more.

Blessings,
Kirten