Permission to Dream

At this time last year we had just received news that there was likely something wrong with Asher. I was 20ish weeks pregnant and I was quickly seeing the dreams I held for my fourth son slip away. It was such a tough thing to spend the rest of my pregnancy trying to enjoy my baby yet not getting to decorate a nursery, prepare our home for another child, or any of the "normal" stuff a new mom does. In some ways that was excruciating. In others it was a blessing.

You see, with Isaac, we had no idea until the day we had him that anything was wrong. Our home was prepared, our hearts were prepared to bring home our little boy. That did not happen and when we came home empty handed, we came home to a home fully prepared for a newborn. It tore my heart out to have to put all of the baby stuff away after coming home. There was evidence of a baby in our home, yet no baby.

Now I find myself in limbo. Here I am again expecting a new baby. Yet I have NO idea what to expect. I have spent the last three months struggling with hoping for the best while trying to stay grounded and remind myself of the reality that we may be asked to walk that road again. We may yet again come home empty handed. That thought literally brings me to my knees.

I spend the majority of my days trying to push the idea that I am pregnant behind all of the other things I have to do for the day. It is becoming harder to do as my body is changing. This is my fifth baby and I have to say that with each of those babies my body has begun changing a bit sooner than the last time. :-) As I look down and see my growing abdomen the dreams begin to pop into my head, dreams of names, nursery colors, baby showers, and then just as quickly as they sneak in, I shove them away again. Afraid to get my hopes up.

I find myself wondering at what point I will allow myself permission to dream those dreams for my baby. I find myself longing for the blissful innocence of my first pregnancy. I want to be giddy with excitement at the prospect of bringing home another little blessing, and yet I am afraid to let my heart go there.

I know that there is a good likelihood that everything will be fine, I know God can make that happen, I know he is capable of anything, and yet he has chosen the other path for us twice. I am still very confused as to how to pray for this baby. I know I need to pray for God's will, but as a mom, I cannot also help but hope that this baby lives. I cannot help but cry out to God and beg him to allow me to watch this little one grow up with his or her brothers here on earth.

Our next ultrasound is December 30, we will have another one four weeks after that. It is likely that we will have a good indication as to how God has knitted this little one together by then, but I am wondering at what point in this pregnancy I ill be able to breathe. When will I give myself permission to dream baby dreams?