Saturday, December 27, 2008

Someone is Always Missing

Christmas is over. We made it through. We had a great time with our families, enjoyed TOO much good food, went to church, and opened gifts. This was our first Christmas without Asher. He was still kicking me and rolling around inside my belly last Christmas. That would be his only Christmas with us. It hurts. I think for much of this holiday season I have just numbed myself and the moment things began to get hard, I just would flip the numbing switch.

This is our fourth Christmas without Isaac and they do say that this all gets easier with time and that the first Christmas is the worst, I am not sure I agree. It rips my heart out thinking that this was the FOURTH Christmas spent without Isaac and our first without Asher. There was such an absence felt in this family that it took my breath away several times. Someone is always missing.

On Christmas Eve we met some good friends at Chuck E. Cheese for lunch. We had a great time, but I just kept looking around thinking that we were missing two children. Sometimes I even get that feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I forgot something, and then I realize that I haven't forgotten anything, half of my boys are missing and some days it sucks the breath right out of me. Someone is always missing.

We headed from lunch to church. This is where it began to hit me really hard. At our church we have childcare on Christmas Eve only for children 5 and under. I stood there looking at the sign thinking...wow...each of my four kids would qualify. After leaving the kids to play at Jesus' birthday party, we headed to service. I stood there as they played the usual Christmas songs and all I could do was cry. Tears continually streamed down my face. It took everything in me not to let it turn to the ugly cry.

I am not sure exactly why I was crying. I am sure it was partly that I was feeling the loss of my boys so heavily that day, it was also because all I could think of was Mary. She was chosen to carry a child only to have to let him go. Only her son did not peacefully enter Heaven minutes, or hours after birth, he lived 33 years. Then he died an excruciating death. I cannot imagine the overwhelming urge Mary must have had to take it all away from him. To run from the plan that God had. My already broken heart breaks for Mary.

I stood there crying with one hand on my swelling abdomen, feeling the baby moving inside where Asher moved last year and I wondered what God's plan for this child is. Fear began creeping in. My heart was already hurting so much, I was walking a fine line. I shoved it away and tried my best to get a hold of myself reminding myself that He is doing a new thing here.

We headed to my dad's for Christmas Eve dinner and gift giving. It was so fun watching the boy's eyes light up as they opened gifts and ate treats, but someone is always missing.

We came home and made reindeer food, opened new pj's, wrote notes for and set cookies out for Santa, heard Santa's jingle bells while reading Christmas stories and literally flew to bed. It was fun to see the excitement building in Luke and Ben, but there is always someone missing. Two someones.

It was very fun to play Santa but as we hauled out gifts I could not help but think of what the pile would look like for four sweet boys. Howard headed in to get a shower and I prayed to God just for peace and strength to get through the next day without two of my sons. He always provides.

Christmas morning was fun as the boys shook with excitement when they saw Santa had come. They tore through their gifts squealing with joy at each discovery. Two squeals were missing.

I made a big breakfast that mainly only Howard and I ate because the kids were just too excited to eat. We spent the day in our new PJs playing games and opening packages with a trillion twisty ties. We headed to Howard's parents for dinner and gift giving. Isaac and Asher's absence was almost too much for me there as I watched the cousins playing.

As I sit here today I wonder if I am the only one who felt the void, who noticed their absence.

There was ONE family who was sure to include Isaac and Asher in our holiday festivities and Greg and Ginger, I will be forever grateful for that ornament you made. You could never know how much it means to us. Especially that you remembered our boys this Christmas.

I suspect I am not the only one. I suspect others remembered, but weren't sure what would be appropriate as often times people are afraid to bring up sad feelings. I assure you those feelings are always there. They are just below the surface where usually I can hide them. The fact remains that there are two someones who are always missing from this family and we miss them as much today as we ever have. We know we are blessed and we are so thankful for each of our children, yet it sure does hurt to go on without two of them. Remember them with us and never be afraid to talk about them with us.

12 comments:

Emily said...

I think I could have written at least half of this myself. That numb switch is usually on around here. I kept it that way as much as I could and pressed forward, but I thought of you and our sweet friends who know that Christmas is just not whole. When I went to our Christmas Eve service, the first child I saw was born on the very same day Miller Grace died. I had never seen her before, as her family had moved away. Talk about a punch in the stomach, to see that beautiful little girl who is the exact same age as my heartache, dressed in her Santa dress! Whew. It is hard. So hard. And someone is always missing. If you're anything like me, you're constantly searching for little signs of them, from ornaments to mentions of their name to just anything that includes our sweet babies that left so soon. I am praying for you and asking God from the bottom of my broken heart to let our 2009 babies stay with us for many, many Christmases to come.

Laurie in Ca. said...

Sweet Kristy,

You and the other girls were on my mind all day Christmas as our family was here. The thoughts of you and your missing babies quietly saddened my heart all day. It is hard to celebrate when you know others are silently suffering. I prayed for you girls all day in my heart. I love you.

Love and Hugs, Laurie

Laura said...

Thinking of you.

Nicole O'Dell said...

God bless you guys. It had to be so difficult.

*hugs*

Merry Christmas Isaac and Asher!

thepipers said...

I hear you on the time making it easier thing. Not so sure about that.

There were times this week where Felicity's absence was definitely more heavy for me than last year. Last year I was still in total shock.

We have a couple ornaments that friends made for us last year, and hanging them up on the tree was very special for me. I'm thankful for our Felicity ornaments.

Anonymous said...

Kristy,

Still check/read your blog every day, still praying for and thinking of you and your family. I also wish Isaac and Asher were still with you. I don't think I'd know how to ease the hurt, but all of us "blog friends" out here are keeping you in our prayers.

Hugs,
J. in OH

Debbie said...

Most people don't get the message that it is better for mothers and fathers hear that others miss them because we are missing them and saddened already by their absence. Thank you for your words that express much of the same in my heart.

Praying always,
Debbie

Amelia said...

Yes, two someones missing but you do have two little boys with you. There are people who do not have any of their children with them or will never know what it's like to have one child to raise and love.

You really need to focus on your two healthy boys. It would be so very sad if Luke and Ben grew up thinking they weren't enough to make their mommy happy.

I know that sounds harsh but it just seems like you focus more on the two little guys that are missing than you do on the two you have here with you.

Some of us will never get the chance to raise a child we have given birth to. You have been given that chance twice and may get it again with the little one inside you. I know it's hard but just try not to loose sight of that.

boltefamily said...

Amelia,

I see where you are coming from, thank you for the important remminder, and I assure you that I am keenly aware of the blessings I have been given. I really DO know just how blessed I am.

Anyone who knows me knows that I cherish Luke and Ben and love them more fiercely than ever. They know how important they are and they also know how important their brothers are eventhough they are not here.

This blog is about my journey in losing two of my children. So it is my main focus here. It is where I come to grieve. There is much more to my life than what I share here. It may seem like I write more about the sadness than the joy, but there certainly is a lot of joy.

And while I cherish each of my children who are here, there presence does not negate the intense absence of their brothers. Having some children does not make up for losing others. They are each their own blessing and each of them hold their own piece of my heart. Some days are really hard and the grief takes over...it is part of this journey...if you shove it away and don't deal with it it will rear its ugly head eventualy. This is my way of dealing. I write.

Isaac and Asher are also my children and to move on and just focus on Luke and Ben would be impossible. I am a mother of four soon to be five and each of my children know that I am happy yet I grieve. That is the reality in our family and there is a balance. I can enjoy my blessings yet mourn the boys I will not be able to watch grow.


I am so sorry that you have been unable to have children. I cannot even begin to imagine the heartache that must come with that. Please let me know if there are any specific ways in which I can pray for you as I am honored that you have chosen to follow our story.

Michelle said...

Kristy, you are really patient and compassionate!
I have thought of and prayed for you this Christmas. I am so glad Ben and Luke had a great time! They are SO cute in their matching pjs! All of your boys are thought of and remembered. I hope those close to you will remember to say their name in conversation. Thank you for teaching me that is important to a mom who is missing her baby.

Melissa Dovel said...

I just want you to know that I thought about your family on Christmas eve. and morning. I thought about Isaac and Asher not being there with you and knew it had to be hard. I also thought PTL that Ben and Luke were with you! I dont think that it gets easier but I do think as time goes by Peace from the Lord covers you and you can count on it. Big hugs and warmest wishes for you and your sweet sweet family this comming year.

In His name,
Melissa

Christy said...

Kristy,
Thank you for your transparency. We have a daughter who is struggling with a disease she was diagnosed with this summer that will cause her to lose everything physically and mentally, be bedridden, and ultimately die, probably before she is is kindergarten age. She will turn 3 on March 1. I mourned on Christmas day for the sweet little bubbly girl we had last year. The little girl this Christmas was sad and cried almost the entire day. There was no running around chasing the other kids and playing with her new toys, or clapping or laughing, or hugging or kissing. Before God began leading us through this journey with Emma I had a hard time understanding why people couldn't focus on the children left behind...why there was such a need to focus on the one that wasn't with them. I understand now, and you have written about it so beautifully. Thank you again for sharing.
Blessings,
Christy