Someone is Always Missing

Christmas is over. We made it through. We had a great time with our families, enjoyed TOO much good food, went to church, and opened gifts. This was our first Christmas without Asher. He was still kicking me and rolling around inside my belly last Christmas. That would be his only Christmas with us. It hurts. I think for much of this holiday season I have just numbed myself and the moment things began to get hard, I just would flip the numbing switch.

This is our fourth Christmas without Isaac and they do say that this all gets easier with time and that the first Christmas is the worst, I am not sure I agree. It rips my heart out thinking that this was the FOURTH Christmas spent without Isaac and our first without Asher. There was such an absence felt in this family that it took my breath away several times. Someone is always missing.

On Christmas Eve we met some good friends at Chuck E. Cheese for lunch. We had a great time, but I just kept looking around thinking that we were missing two children. Sometimes I even get that feeling in the pit of my stomach, like I forgot something, and then I realize that I haven't forgotten anything, half of my boys are missing and some days it sucks the breath right out of me. Someone is always missing.

We headed from lunch to church. This is where it began to hit me really hard. At our church we have childcare on Christmas Eve only for children 5 and under. I stood there looking at the sign thinking...wow...each of my four kids would qualify. After leaving the kids to play at Jesus' birthday party, we headed to service. I stood there as they played the usual Christmas songs and all I could do was cry. Tears continually streamed down my face. It took everything in me not to let it turn to the ugly cry.

I am not sure exactly why I was crying. I am sure it was partly that I was feeling the loss of my boys so heavily that day, it was also because all I could think of was Mary. She was chosen to carry a child only to have to let him go. Only her son did not peacefully enter Heaven minutes, or hours after birth, he lived 33 years. Then he died an excruciating death. I cannot imagine the overwhelming urge Mary must have had to take it all away from him. To run from the plan that God had. My already broken heart breaks for Mary.

I stood there crying with one hand on my swelling abdomen, feeling the baby moving inside where Asher moved last year and I wondered what God's plan for this child is. Fear began creeping in. My heart was already hurting so much, I was walking a fine line. I shoved it away and tried my best to get a hold of myself reminding myself that He is doing a new thing here.

We headed to my dad's for Christmas Eve dinner and gift giving. It was so fun watching the boy's eyes light up as they opened gifts and ate treats, but someone is always missing.

We came home and made reindeer food, opened new pj's, wrote notes for and set cookies out for Santa, heard Santa's jingle bells while reading Christmas stories and literally flew to bed. It was fun to see the excitement building in Luke and Ben, but there is always someone missing. Two someones.

It was very fun to play Santa but as we hauled out gifts I could not help but think of what the pile would look like for four sweet boys. Howard headed in to get a shower and I prayed to God just for peace and strength to get through the next day without two of my sons. He always provides.

Christmas morning was fun as the boys shook with excitement when they saw Santa had come. They tore through their gifts squealing with joy at each discovery. Two squeals were missing.

I made a big breakfast that mainly only Howard and I ate because the kids were just too excited to eat. We spent the day in our new PJs playing games and opening packages with a trillion twisty ties. We headed to Howard's parents for dinner and gift giving. Isaac and Asher's absence was almost too much for me there as I watched the cousins playing.

As I sit here today I wonder if I am the only one who felt the void, who noticed their absence.

There was ONE family who was sure to include Isaac and Asher in our holiday festivities and Greg and Ginger, I will be forever grateful for that ornament you made. You could never know how much it means to us. Especially that you remembered our boys this Christmas.

I suspect I am not the only one. I suspect others remembered, but weren't sure what would be appropriate as often times people are afraid to bring up sad feelings. I assure you those feelings are always there. They are just below the surface where usually I can hide them. The fact remains that there are two someones who are always missing from this family and we miss them as much today as we ever have. We know we are blessed and we are so thankful for each of our children, yet it sure does hurt to go on without two of them. Remember them with us and never be afraid to talk about them with us.