Hope for 2009

I have been thinking all day of how to put my thoughts and feelings into words and I am afraid words cannot really do justice to the paradoxical feelings I am having as we begin 2009.

In one way I am a little sad. 2008 was Asher's year. He was born in February and his first birthday is fast approaching. He is such a blessing to us and part of me doesn't want to say goodbye to the year that we were blessed enough to meet him in. His birth date truly was the most amazing day of my life. I have never in my life SEEN the body of Christ in action as I did that day. I could physically feel the Lord's presence with us. On that day, his people, friends, family, nurses, doctors, photographers, all became His hands and feet. The love that day was unlike anything I could begin to explain. It was in so many ways a perfect day. I have to admit that my selfish human self wishes the outcome had been different, but the beauty of that day is just indescribable and it is a day I will hold dear in my heart forever and ever.

I am in awe at the love and support we have been shown in 2008. I am filled with sorrow that my boy is not here, but I am so grateful for each person who helped to carry my mat when I could move forward no further. I have been able to come to this place, my blog and be real, be honest, be me, without (much) :) judgement, even when the hurtful anonymous comments come there are dozens of uplifting encouraging ones to remind me of what it is REALLY about. Thank you all for not letting me lose sight. I am so thankful for each of you who have taken the time to get to know us, pray for us, love us.

I miss Isaac and Asher as much today as ever, but I have HOPE. My hope remains steadfast, knowing this is not the end. Sometimes it feels like the sun doesn't shine for weeks, but that hope is always there. He continues to guide us gently down this rocky path and I stand in awe at what He is doing. There is no way that I can comprehend what His plan is or why this was the best path for me, but I trust that he does. He is sovereign over all things.

As I welcome 2009, I do so with great apprehension. I have no idea what the year holds, but I know that I have hope. Today I have a sweet baby growing inside of me. I do not know what tomorrow brings, but for today I am more than rejoicing in the fact that things are going well and this little one is growing just as he/she should. 2009 will be the year that we meet this new Bolte. I am so excited to see the blessings flow from this new gift God has given us. I have an amazing husband who works so hard to be a good leader for this family. I have two boys in Heaven that I will get to hold again someday. Those two boys will never know the sorrow and pain that come with living in this broken world. I also have two boys who live in this house that fill my life with hugs and laughter, they teach me what matters and show me how to better live with a child like faith, I have an great family, the best friends a girl could ask for, and a wonderful support system here. Above all I have a Father who loves me with a passion that I cannot even begin to fathom. A Creator who I pray will use my family this year to further His Kingdom in any way he sees fit. I am blessed.

It is with a certain sadness that I say goodbye to 2008, but I do look forward to the hope of tomorrow. I know that my goodbyes are not forever and that He has blessed me beyond measure. Far more than I deserve. He continues to pour out His Grace upon me and I am excited to see what He has in store for 2009 for I know his plans for me are good because He says so!

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11