Three Years

Dear Sweet Asher,

While you were growing in my belly, we nicknamed you "Happy", I cannot think of a more fitting name. You have taught us so much, not just about happiness, but about joy. Joy isn't circumstantial, and you brought both happiness and joy. From the moment we knew you existed we loved you fiercely and we will never stop. Our time with you was some of the most sacred time I have spent. You have taught me to make the most of the time we are given, to love deeper and take risks. You have taught me that in the midst of the most unimaginable pain, beauty lies. You have taught me that God really IS capable of picking up the most shattered of pieces and gently and slowly piecing them back together into something useful.

Because of you, my life is changed. I thank our Lord each and every day that he blessed me with the gift of you, no matter how briefly. Like each of your brothers and sister, you have blessed me beyond measure and have helped to mold me into the person He wants me to be. You have strengthened my desire to live in a way that pleases God, to take the narrow road, so that one day I will kiss your sweet face again.

I can't lie, today, my boy, my heart is once again shattered into a bajillion pieces. The sting of death is so real to me as I wonder if you would have chosen dinosaurs, monster trucks or something completely different for your cake. Would you have the same fiery personality as your ginger haired siblings? I bet you and Ben would be the best of friends. He misses you, but looks forward to your birthday each year because we do something special as a family and he has only happy memories of your time with us. Luke has a sensitive heart and will often times out of the blue feel your absence so much that it brings tears. He loves you so much and talks about you often, and Hope, we are teaching her about you. She sees your picture in the living room and says "Baby Asher?". She loves babies. I know you would be her biggest protector.

Your daddy misses you something fierce. He is strong and holds it together most of the time for us, but you can see in his eyes how he longs to hold you again. Somehow I thought three years out, the pain would be much less intense and somehow today I can barely catch my breath. It took everything I had in me to set my feet on the cold floor this morning. I miss you so much it physically hurts sometimes. But I have also learned that grief ebbs and flows, it hurts so much, but we only grieve because we loved. You taught me so much about love, Asher, so much. Because of you, I have known a love that most never will and I have learned to praise God even when his plan hurts so much you don't think you will survive.

He tells us "blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted" and this is so true. While we ache for you we also take GREAT comfort in knowing you are right where you were meant to be. You accomplished SO much on this earth in your short time with us and we are beyond proud to be your parents. You get to worship at the feet of our Lord for all of your days, you will never know the pain we feel, and that comforts my mommy's heart. You have changed us and we will never be the same, and honestly I wouldn't want it any other way. I would do it all again in a minute, even through the pain, because amidst this intense pain there is beauty, joy and happiness. Our God weaves all of that together to make beauty from the most difficult of circumstances, and I am grateful.

I am grateful for you sweet boy, grateful I get to know the privilege of being your mama. I will love you and grieve for you fiercely for all my days, and my life is richer because of that. You will never know what you mean to this family. Today, on your third birthday, my son, you are dancing at the feet of Jesus, and I can't think of a better place to be. One day, we will be together again, one day, and until that day comes we will continue to keep on keepin' on through the valleys and on the mountaintops. We will praise Him for all of it, because it is in the deepest of valleys that we sometimes find the greatest of gifts.

I love you more than words could ever express.

Forever yours,
Mommy

I will cherish February 22, 2008 in my heart forever. Click HERE for a glimpse of that sacred day.